Chapter 22
TWENTY-TWO
Linc removed the bag of coffee from the freezer to make a pot of strong brew. Despite being in his house and bed, he’d barely slept.
The fridge was as empty as the house felt after his time with Jalen and Kendra. She’d invaded his every thought. And it had only taken one night together and one alone to make him feel like something was missing from his life.
Since before dawn, he’d replayed her speech telling him she saw his worth over and over until it had started to drown out the negative messages repeated so many times in so many ways that he had believed them.
Shortly after her stint in rehab, Bri had told him how counseling helped shift her perspective from a victim mentality. She’d encouraged him to consider seeing a therapist to deal with any issues from their upbringing, but he’d blown off the suggestion. After all, he was a tough Spec Ops guy. His kind didn’t need sympathy for having a crappy childhood or want to talk about their feelings.
What Bri said about him walking away at the first sign of rejection as a defense mechanism was true. What if, instead of protecting him from being hurt, it kept him from having the life he’d once dreamed of?
Jalen had stolen his heart the first time Linc held him as a newborn. Though he didn’t plan to become a father, he loved being Uncle Linc. He thought back to what Kendra had said yesterday morning.
As a kid, he dreamed about being part of a functional family. His mom getting clean and making him and Bri her priority. That hadn’t happened. But he’d still dreamed about one day having a wife who loved him. Having kids he’d love and protect. Except the fear he didn’t deserve or wasn’t good enough to take care of a family had been pounded into him over and over.
Most days, he risked his life serving in the military. The time had come to risk something else. He wanted to believe what Kendra said. That what she saw in him was true. He could have the life he’d dreamed of as a kid.
It was early. However, he only had four hours until he had to leave Fayetteville, so he pulled out his phone and scrolled through his contacts.
After verifying Kendra’s car was in the DSS parking lot, Linc entered the building. He passed through security and made his way to the reception area.
“I need to see Kendra Andrews,” he told the same middle-aged receptionist he remembered from his prior visit.
“Do you have an appointment?”
“I don’t, but it’s important that I speak to her for a few minutes.”
“You were here last week, right?”
“I was, but this is personal business.”
The receptionist gave a knowing smile. “I got you, dear.” She picked up the phone. “Kendra, you have a visitor at the front desk. They need you to sign for something.” She winked at Linc, then hung up. “She’ll be right out.”
Linc shifted his weight as he waited. The way Kendra froze in the hallway and her mouth hung open as she stared, made his heart stop beating. She regained her composure to meet him by the desk.
“I take it I don’t need to sign anything.” Kendra’s gaze shifted from Linc to the receptionist.
The receptionist gave a guilty shrug. “I know you’re busy playing catch-up, and he didn’t have an appointment, but I’d want to see him if he asked for me .” She batted her lashes.
“Is there someplace private we can talk?” he asked Kendra.
“I can see if either conference room is available,” the receptionist offered.
“That’s okay. We’ll go outside.” Kendra motioned him to exit.
Was she going to blow him off? His airway constricted, and a tightness spread from his chest to his gut, but he wasn’t going to retreat, no matter what artillery she lobbed his way.
“How are Bri and Regina doing?” She remained standing rather than sit on one of the metal benches to the side of the entrance.
“They’re good. Between the kidnapping charges, firing on a law enforcement officer, and the drugs, cash, and weapons found, Tawnya, Malloy, and their boss are going away even without them testifying, which is great news. Bri went back to work today. Regina wants to get home, but she’s not comfortable driving to Atlanta yet. I think she wants to tell her friends in her book club and bridge group what she went through to get some sympathy, so I’m driving her to Atlanta today.”
“You and Regina in a car for six hours? That sounds above the call of duty.” The dawning of a smile and her light laugh eased the tension.
“Well, she’s now referring to me as her step-grandson.”
“It sounds like you two have made progress. When do you have to go back to Europe?”
“I fly out of Atlanta this evening. That’s why I had to see you before I left. I’ve been thinking about what you said. A lot. I’m accepting that my upbringing impacted me more than I wanted to admit. You keep getting the message that you aren’t worthy, and it sinks in.”
She moved slightly closer and held out her hand. He took hold of hers. The electricity still there between them gave him hope he hadn’t damaged this beyond repair.
“After Christmas, classmates would talk about the gifts they got from Santa. Mom barely had money for food or rent—and that was before drugs took priority over gifts. But the idea of Santa knowing who’s been naughty and nice made me feel I wasn’t as good as kids who got lots of great gifts. Regina taking in Bri, but not me, after Mom died reinforced that.”
“I understand. I’ve seen similar situations play out. But it doesn’t make it true.”
“It wasn’t a one-time thing. At the group home, we were enrolled in a program providing gifts for kids in foster care. They asked us to list what we wanted. We put down things like a gaming system and new sneakers. I said a bike so I could ride to see Bri. Instead, I got socks, underwear, a warm winter coat, and a basketball.” Since he didn’t play basketball anymore, his foster brother had traded him for a decent pair of sneakers he’d outgrown.
“I’m sure the family who had your name had good intentions. Often, good-hearted people think they know best. They don’t stop to think that kids experiencing foster care want to be like their classmates and friends. Have the same kinds of things.”
“Exactly. Then, there were the girls who didn’t want to date a boy in the system. Or their parents didn’t want them dating the child of an addict. That information gets out and spreads. It’s hard to shake that kind of history.”
“And while my family had similar experiences and wouldn’t judge, the bias against military members was a trigger for you.” She sighed with an apologetic expression.
He nodded. “Joining the military has been the best thing in my life. It’s provided income, skills, routine, stability, and acceptance. It appealed to my sense of justice. Most of all, it gave me family. Maybe I didn’t have a father figure growing up, but I’ve had mentors and role-models there. I need to get a few things straight in my head. This morning, I called a Green Beret friend. His wife is a counselor. We talked briefly, and she referred me to her colleague.”
“That’s a pretty major step.”
“It is.” It’d been hard to accept that he needed help, but it’d given him the courage to be here. He had to be willing to change. “But it’s what I need to do if I’m going after the things I want in life, like a wife and kids. And I don’t want just any wife. I want someone who gets me and isn’t afraid to challenge me—or tell me my thinking is screwed up. If she’s beautiful and compassionate, those are perks too.” He took hold of her other hand. “I’m hoping you’ll give me another shot. And that while I’m deployed, we can talk and message each other.”
“I would like that. Very much.” She closed the remaining distance between them. “I’m also willing to challenge Grandma Ruby. Because I’m not willing to settle for just any guy. I want someone who makes me feel the way you do. Safe. Protected. Respected. I get mushy inside watching you interact with Jalen. And you give me butterflies when you smile at me. Even more so when you kiss me. Which you should do right now.”
He’d put his heart out there. This time, it hadn’t been rejected. He happily followed Kendra’s order to kiss the woman who instilled the required sense of worth to complete him.