Chapter 19 IT ISN’T A COMPETITION
The next morning was about as fun as scrubbing the litter box with my own toothbrush. I walked to school—it was freezing—keeping several yards behind Grayson. At some point, he must have heard my footfalls because his shoulders stiffened and he walked a little faster.
Through morning classes, I pretended like I couldn’t hear the whispers, or feel the sidelong glances full of judgment.
I just stared straight ahead, jaw clenched, as I pretended like I was so focused on the lesson.
Then, lunch.
I went to the library—the very back table, just out of sight of the librarian’s desk, and dumped my backpack on the wooden top as I sank into the hard chair.
Already, I was exhausted from the day. I hadn’t slept last night, too busy thinking about what an awful person I was for still being Grayson’s phone friend when he (understandably!) hated me in real life.
If only I’d been able to tell him yesterday.
Just get it out there. Rip off the bandage, even if it meant taking a layer or three of skin.
Ugh.
Just as I was pulling out my sandwich, another person rounded the bookshelves and paused there.
Jessica.
“Hey,” she said quietly. “Do you mind if I sit with you?”
For a moment, I could only stare at her. “Why?”
She stared at the floor. “I can’t sit with them anymore. What they did yesterday—it was so mean. To you. To him.”
“Yesterday was your line?”
Jess shook her head. “I thought we’d all ride it out and be friends again. I hoped, anyway. Like, I thought Kat might see that she is mean and vindictive sometimes. And that Mary Heather might pick a lane, not just make nice with whoever’s directly in front of her.”
“You know, I always thought that if the group fell apart, it would be Kat leaving, because she and Mary Heather wouldn’t see eye to eye on something.” I sighed. “I guess I underestimated how loyal they really are to each other.”
“Yeah. I—I didn’t expect that.” Jessica clenched her jaw. “But yesterday, when Kat posted the Grayson texts, I realized she wasn’t even acting in self-defense anymore. Like, not even in her own mind. She isn’t trying to get you back for the tampon thing. She just wants to destroy you.”
What an absolutely chilling sentence to hear. “I might have just peed myself,” I said grimly. “Have a seat, if you feel safe being in the line of Kat’s fire.”
Jess took the chair across from me. “I’d rather be in her line of fire than support her another minute. Plus”—she looked up from digging in her bag—“I missed my friend.”
The corner of my mouth twisted up. “I missed you, too.”
For a few minutes, we ate our lunches in silence.
“I’m sorry I didn’t stand up for you.” Jess snapped the lid closed on her sandwich container.
“It’s okay. I don’t blame you for it. Anymore, I mean. I was mad at first, but I don’t know that I’d have done anything different in your position. I’m the one who tried to bring you into it.”
“Well, you were right when you said I wasn’t happy about Mary Heather just ordering prints of my picture like that. I’d have said yes if she’d asked, but … I wanted her to ask.”
“It’s called consent,” I agreed.
“Anyway, she canceled the order. So it doesn’t matter.”
“It matters that she tried to get away with it.” I returned my lunch bag to my backpack. “But what about the banner on the scroll? Didn’t you make that?”
Jess snorted. “They asked me for help, but I said no. So they got Mary Heather’s cousin to do it.”
“Isn’t he eight? How does he know how to do that?”
“I’m genuinely afraid to ask.”
We both laughed. A good laugh, like we were both relieved to have that whole conversation over with and get back to just … being friends.
“Can I show you something?” I pulled out my phone. “I’ve actually been dying to share this with you.”
“Really?” She leaned forward. “Please!”
I opened my “Text-Door Shenanigans” album and slid my phone to her.
She leaned over and slowly swiped through the pictures, studying the screen.
From the red leaves against the sky to the cat rock to the cones of yarn on my dresser, she gave each photograph thoughtful consideration.
When she reached the end, she looked up with a disbelieving smile. “You kept taking photos.”
“I wasn’t sure if I should.”
“Of course you should!” She shook her head. “I don’t know why Kat thought there could only be one photographer in the group, but it isn’t a competition, Virginia. I think it’s wonderful that you’re getting into photography. It’s something we can share and work on together. I’m excited!”
I blinked back tears. “I almost quit, you know. Right after that photo of Grayson.”
“What made you try again?”
Uh, Grayson.
No, I couldn’t say that.
“My text-door neighbor.”
Jess stared at me for a second. “I’m going to need you to explain that a little more.”
“Okay, so you know your phone number.”
“Yes.”
“But make the last digit one up. Or down. That’s your text-door neighbor.
I made friends with mine. He’s our age. And before you remind me, I know.
Safety first. I told my sister. And we told my mom and dad, who called his parents.
But anyway, Knight—that’s what I call him—encouraged me to keep taking photos.
It helped having someone who wanted to see them.
I wanted to impress him.” I reached across the table and tapped my phone, pulling up “Cardinal’s Eyes Only”—the album with actual people in it—and let Jess see that, too, since she already knew all the people.
She gave those the same attention she’d given the others, smiling at a few—like the ones with Victoria standing at the overlook. “I really like these. Can I show you some of mine?”
I sat up straight, suddenly not sure if Jess had ever just …
wanted to show me her photos. Usually, she shared the Four Takes ones, or shots we’d asked her to get, but I couldn’t remember if I’d ever just swiped through one of her albums the way she was looking through mine.
Wow. I probably should have asked. Or at least made it clear that I wanted to see her photos.
“Yes!” I held out my hands for her phone. “Give it.”
She grinned and passed me her phone. While I scrolled through her absolutely exquisite photos, she said, “You know, I’m going to need to hear more about this Knight guy. Don’t be stingy on the details.”
I was stingy on the details, at least when it came to the personal things Grayson—as Knight—had shared with me.
And (obviously) his real identity. I didn’t want to betray him.
Again. More. Like, in a new and awful way.
But recounting those initial texts, the books we talked about, the stories he was so happy to share … it made me smile.
“You like him,” Jess said when I was done, having skipped right over the string of texts from yesterday, of course.
“Yeah.” I sighed. “But I think superposition is better than regular position. At least for us.” It couldn’t last forever, though. I knew the truth. He’d figure it out eventually. I needed to tell him.
I just had to find the right time.