Chapter 2 – Leon #2
“This is a safe space, James,” Katherine said in a soothing voice. “Everything you say stays in this room, unless you threaten to harm yourself, a child, or an elderly or otherwise vulnerable person.”
Leon had heard similar promises from his first therapist. His mom hadn’t believed in therapy, even though it probably would have done loads of good for Leon growing up.
When he started taking classes at the university he’d been able to see a school counselor and she’d actually helped Leon a fair bit.
He wondered idly if James had ever seen a therapist, or if this bizarre mediation session was the closest he’d ever come to having someone to confide in.
James smiled weakly at Katherine and then bit his lip, giving Leon a questioning look.
Leon sighed and tried to channel a bit of what he’d learned back in therapy. “Yeah, I’m a safe space too. I even have one of those little stickers on my laptop so the younger staff know they can talk to me, or whatever.”
James’ features contorted into something unreadable.
He stared over Leon’s shoulder for several beats, before he finally nodded and met Leon’s gaze.
“That first day, I didn’t want to out myself like I was outed at my last shitty job.
Back then I wasn’t able to pass as easily, so it sort of happened against my will.
When I started here, I had no intention of outing myself as queer… or trans if I could help it.”
Leon had to admit, he’d suspected James might not be as “straight” laced as he tried to make himself appear. That sense of a caged animal Leon got from James made him think there must be some sort of inner beast that was more than just plain suits and ugly ties.
Leon had definitely never pegged him as being trans, though.
He felt his eyes threatening to glance down at James’ lap, but he knew better than that.
That was the type of bigoted shit he tried to fight against. Instead he replayed every interaction they’d ever had and tried to see it through this new lens.
If anything, it just made him sad. Leon would have loved to have more openly queer coworkers besides Conroy, who worked in legal on the other side of the building.
Recently, it seemed like some of the younger staff were more open about being queer, but the age difference had always left Leon feeling even lonelier than before.
For the almost three years he and James had overlapped at the firm, it would have been nice to have a queer coworker closer to his age.
Maybe they even could have been friends.
That memory of James’ first day on the job had always sat like leaden stone in Leon’s stomach, though. It made him lash out whenever James was near, and yes, it also made him move his IT requests to the bottom of the pile.
James was studying his face intently and Leon gave him a sad smile. Usually his lips were set in a scowl or a disapproving frown around James. It was good to see they could still form other shapes.
“Sometimes,” James said softly, “other queer folk can still figure it out just by looking at me. I wish I could say that in the moment, I thought you knew, and would understand that I was in the same boat as you but… honestly, I took one look at you with your tattoos and rings and ripped jeans and thought if anyone was going to ‘stick it to the man’ or whatever, it would be you. God knows by that point I was tired of fighting.”
“You didn’t have to laugh, though,” Leon said, his fingers unconsciously tightening around James’. To his surprise, James squeezed back.
“I understand it being your first day, but you didn’t have to go along with it. You could have stood your ground. Instead, it made me think that if you were willing to laugh in my face right off the bat, then you’ve probably been laughing behind my back ever since,” Leon said.
He gazed into James’ face, but suddenly it wasn’t his face he was seeing.
He saw his mom’s face, criticizing him, when she was supposed to have his back.
He saw the faces of supposed friends throughout his teenage years who would make homophobic jokes in his presence.
None of them had had his back either, and it had taken him years to be able to stand up to them.
He shook his head to dispel the unwelcome images, and James seemed to shrink in on himself at the movement.
“You’re right,” James said softly, and for the first time his hands fully relaxed in Leon’s grip.
Or maybe relaxed wasn’t the correct word.
They went limp, and his shoulders sagged forward as his head dropped to his chest. “I am truly sorry, Leon. I should have had your back. I know it’s no excuse, but after mom’s diagnosis and dad up and leaving, I think I just put my head in the sand and gave up–” James’ voice broke, and he paused to wipe his cheek somewhat awkwardly on his shoulder.
He made no move to break their connection though, so Leon didn’t either.
“I gave up on a lot, but things are changing. It’s taken me a few years, but I finally feel like I have my feet under me in the department.
I’ve been trying to speak up more. I mean, hell, some of my little minions have spoken up in recent staff meetings and I think we’re finally seeing some changes in the department, even with Antonelli.
I wish I could have done more but… I will do better moving forward. ”
James lifted his head, and Leon saw true emotion behind his eyes.
He’d seen James give presentations to his minions, which honestly was a pretty good nickname for his team of finance nerds, and his eyes had always seemed opaque.
A steely blue like some of the neighboring skyscrapers, never letting light or feelings in or out.
Now, though, they shone with determination and conviction.
“Well… first, let me just say that cancer’s a cruel bitch. I lost my da to it growing up. Left me stuck with my mam which… well… I guess, all that to say, I'm sorry to hear about your mam. I didn’t know all that about her or your da.”
James nodded and gave Leon a wobbly smile. “I don’t think anyone at work knows. It’s not something I broadcast but… I’m sorry about your dad. My mom has been in remission for almost a year, but it took its toll.”
Leon nodded in understanding. His father’s cancer had taken him quick, and while he was envious James still had his mam, he didn’t envy him the long fight it must have taken to get here.
“I also didn’t know about you being trans and… whatever else you are,” Leon added, offering his own admission in return for James’ honesty.
“I’m pan,” James said, and Leon let out a surprised laugh.
“Pick that up from your minions?”
A laugh burst out of James, like maybe it wasn’t something he was used to doing. “Yeah, I actually did. It means–”
“No, I know what it means. My neighbor’s kid kvetched at me when I didn’t know what the pin was on her pack. Pink, yellow, and blue, right?”
James gave a lopsided grin, and then his eyes narrowed. “You know a lot of yiddish.”
Leon nodded and shifted his grip, surprised to find he was not only used to holding James’ hands, but was actually beginning to appreciate the warmth and stability they provided. Now that they were substantially less damp, that is.
“My bubbe was Jewish. I spent a lot of time at her place growing up… anything to not be at home, and I picked up some phrases over the years.”
James tipped his head to the side in a curious way and his lip curved up in a small smile. “What does mensch mean? I always thought it was a good thing.”
Leon let out a startled laugh, and when he saw the perplexed look on James’ face he laughed even harder.
“It is a good thing. My bubbe used to always call me her little mensch because I took care of things around the house once da died. It means someone of honor and integrity…” Leon trailed off and both of their expressions sobered.
“Ah… but… when you said it about me–”
“I meant it as a jab at your whole prim and proper, don’t want to get your hands dirty schtick, but I guess I didn’t have the full story. I–” Leon rolled his shoulders uncomfortably again as more memories from his childhood flashed across his mind.
It had taken him a long time to begin standing up for himself, and an even longer time to stand up for others.
He’d been a bit of a punk in middle school, angry at his dad for dying and his mam for…
well, for being who she was. Even though he’d been getting his fair share of bullying at home, it hadn’t stopped him from going along with the slurs and jabs his crew would make at other kids.
For a long time he’d thought he couldn’t afford to show weakness, not at home or at school, but that had gotten him nowhere.
He’d made his fair share of transphobic, homophobic, and bigoted comments to fit in with the rough crowd he felt trapped in.
When he finally began standing up for himself, he was able to begin standing up for others in his life too.
It sounded like maybe it had taken James a bit longer to get to that point.
Yes, maybe he could have done better and tried harder, but Leon could see now how James wasn’t ready at the time.
With others, Leon wasn’t usually one to hold grudges.
Hell, he’d even forgiven his mam before she’d passed the year before.
If he poked a little harder at his feelings, something he tried to do on occasion, he could admit James had been a special case because Leon had expected better of him.
From the outside, his life seemed so simple and easy, with his tightly buttoned shirts and pristine office space, but maybe he’d misjudged him.
The same way he’d been letting James form his own opinions about him being the resident “bad boy” or whatever some of the younger staff giggled behind their hands.
Leon didn’t really mind it, but it meant few of his coworkers actually knew him.