Chapter 18 #3
I stopped, instantly alert. “Sure, yeah. Everything all right?”
He glanced left, then right, then shook his head. “Not here,” he said and started walking.
Which wasn’t an answer, or maybe it was.
Whatever afterglow might have lingered in my bones slipped away as I followed him into an on-call room, empty but for a blanket folded on the cot.
Gray light seeped through a tiny window, bathing the cramped space in just enough brightness that we didn’t need to flick on a light.
I closed the door without being asked and leaned against it, arms folded. “Okay, you’re scaring me a little here.”
“Yeah, just…” He cleared his throat. “Don’t panic, okay? It’s just a heads-up. I could be wrong.”
Don’t panic? There was exactly one thing I’d done, one misstep, that could warrant this kind of tone. My pulse skipped a beat even as I strove for a calm expression. “That’s really not as reassuring as you seem to think it is.”
“Right, yeah. Sorry.” He huffed a small laugh and grew serious once more. “Novak asked me some questions this morning.”
Fuck. I inhaled. “About?”
“You and Finn.” Tay met my gaze, clear and direct. “Hayes—obviously.”
I dug my fingers into my arms. It didn’t really help against the white rush of noise in my ears, mouth gone dry. “What kind of questions?”
“Nothing concrete, but… leading. Doesn’t take a genius to see where it’s headed.” Tay’s voice softened. “I told her I didn’t know anything. Which is true.”
The scant daylight danced behind my lids each time I blinked, mildly nauseating. Finn was… Shit. He’d arrived before me.
“But,” Tay said right into that thought, “just between us, I’ve seen enough to… You know. To suspect she’s not just jumping at shadows. And I figured you deserved to know she’s looking.”
“Thank you.” I shook my head, mostly to clear it. “I… That’s really very decent of you.”
“I like you.” Tay said it simply, a quick smile passing over his face.
“And in this job, it’s easy to forget there’s a life outside these walls, right?
That there are people who matter.” His chin dipped.
“Also, I’d like to think that if the tables were reversed, if it’d been Dean and me, you’d have done the same. ”
“I would.” True, even if I’d never even considered it before today. “Really, Tay. Thank you.”
He nodded, watching me for a beat. When he spoke again, it was quiet and warm.
“Look, maybe I don’t know you all that well, and maybe I don’t know Finn all that well either.
But I like you both. And from what I’ve seen?
You’re not the type of guys who lose their heads over a dumb hookup that means nothing. So.”
It twisted hot and sharp through me because no, maybe he didn’t know us inside out—but he did know us. And hearing it like that, plain and simple… God, it felt like a punch to the gut.
“Finn,” I started. “Where—”
“Her office,” Tay cut in. “Novak found us just when I was going to pull him aside.”
Jesus Christ, so she’d been able to blindside him—no warning, just straight into the fire.
My mind lurched. What if—fuck. What if she’d cornered him and he’d cracked, told her everything—me, the hotel, all of it?
But what if he hadn’t? What if he was sitting in there right now, not saying a word because he’d decided our pact still held.
Omertà. Weeks ago, weeks, on a blazing rooftop.
Before I’d known him, before I’d fallen.
What if he burned himself? Christ, he was just twenty-six—too fucking young to wreck a career before it even began.
My lungs squeezed tight like a fist. Stop. Just stop.
This was Finn. He’d held steady by my side when we’d coaxed that baby through a blackout. He was smart, and he was good, and I had had to believe that he’d raised his head high and met whatever she threw at him with the same fierce calm.
“I need to…” My voice was rough as if I’d only just woken up from a nightmare. “Find him. I need to find him.”
Tay’s smile was brief, but it reached his eyes. “Good luck, man.”
“Thank you,” I said, hand already on the door. I wrenched it open and stumbled out into the corridor, dragged in a harsh breath to get my bearings. Okay, easy. Easy. Rolling in with guns blazing won’t do you any good—either of you.
Right.
Another breath, shoulders back. Then I set off for Novak’s office.
The door was closed, blinds angled just enough to obscure any clear view through the glass panels. Voices filtered through as barely a whisper, too low to make anything out. I steeled myself and knocked once, crisp. “Dr. Novak?”
“Come in,” she called.
I did and closed the door. One quick glance to take in Novak, straight-faced behind her desk, then I found Finn—seated in one of the visitor chairs, chin up, spine stiff. The tense line of his mouth loosened by a relieved fraction when he saw me, then firmed again.
“Sit, Dr. Maddox.” Novak gestured to the seat beside him, set far enough away to broadcast a professional distance.
I obeyed and resisted the urge to shift closer to Finn, to touch one of the hands he’d knotted tightly on his lap.
Too early to give us away when I’d yet to know what game we were playing.
“Good morning,” I said. “Dr. Novak.” A nod at her, then a minuscule smile at Finn to my right. “Dr. Hayes.”
“Dr. Maddox.” He took a small breath, lashes swooping down as one corner of his mouth tugged up just the faintest hint, then turned back down. A beat. “Uh—Jesse.”
Okay, so… Okay. That was… Yeah. Okay. Not good. Probably? I dragged my attention away to meet Novak’s eyes. “I heard you were looking for me?”
“You heard right.” Her tone was cool without being harsh. “And for the record, this is not a disciplinary meeting.”
“That feels like something people say before they lower the guillotine,” I said. “Sure you want my blood on this very nice carpet? The stains may never come out.”
Ah, fuck. I almost groaned at myself—foot-in-mouth wasn’t something I usually did, but… Well. Maybe this one had been deliberate, just a little, because if it took the focus off Finn? Good.
“Funny.” Novak infused the word with all the cheer of a North Korean military parade, then continued, tone pointed, “Dr. Maddox. To catch you up—I just told your intern that I saw you on the street last night.” A delicate pause. “Together.”
Time folded in on itself like a door blown off its hinges and that—no.
That didn’t make sense. My thoughts tangled, three pressing in at once.
Finn next to me, silent. His head on my shoulder just this morning.
The taste of his mouth last night, October air and a passing cab, then another car that slowed for a parking spot and kept going.
Novak—fuck. She lived in my area, of course she did. Easy to forget when I’d never seen her there.
Oh God. How could we have been so fucking stupid?
“Dr. Novak,” Finn started. “Like I already told you—”
“You did,” she sliced clean through his sentence. “And I’ve heard you. But now I’d like to hear from Dr. Maddox, if that’s all right.”
It wasn’t a question—and still Finn opened his mouth as if to argue. She lifted a hand just as I knocked my knee against his, pure instinct, my gut twisted around my lungs and heart even though I knew it wasn’t medically possible. Felt like it, though.
I drew a slow, conscious breath. “It’s true,” I told her. “What you saw. We… I asked Finn to come home with me. It was my call.”
“Jesse,” Finn said sharply. “Don’t.”
I didn’t look at him. Novak didn’t either.
“So you initiated it,” she said, one thinly plucked eyebrow arching high.
I raised my head, knotting my fingers where she couldn’t see. “Yes.”
“And you believe that absolves him?”
“I’m not trying to absolve anyone. But if you’re looking for someone to blame?” Somehow, my voice held through the end of the world as I knew it. “Put it on me.”
“For fuck’s sake,” Finn muttered. He sounded more tired than angry, and I shot him a quick look that bounced off the bow of his upper lip and the blueblueblue of his eyes. Then I turned away, back to Novak.
“He’s at the beginning of his first year. I’m a fellow. It’s my responsibility.”
Something loosened around the corners of her mouth. It wasn’t a smile, not quite—more the outline of one, as if she had yet to fully commit. “Interesting,” she said. “Dr. Hayes told me the same in reverse. That it was his fault. That you shouldn’t be punished.”
He… had.
He had?
I glanced at him. His head was bent, a hint of color dusting his cheeks, and God, I wanted to reach for him—not sure I was still allowed.
He’d lied for me. Why?
Novak’s voice pulled my focus back to her. “So, one of you is lying.” She let it settle like dust. “Or maybe you both are, in an attempt to shield the other. I’m inclined to believe it’s the second. Still—actions have consequences.”
Heat crept up my neck. “I stepped back as his supervising fellow. Weeks ago, as soon as I realized I was… biased.”
“And I’m glad you did,” she said. “It matters. But it doesn’t solve today’s problem: You are still scheduled to submit his post-separation evaluation. Obviously, that’s no longer viable.”
“No, of course not.” I nodded, relief a brief, dim spark in my chest. “Tay—Dr. Carter can do it.”
“He was on the other side of the table, so no, I don’t think he can. We’ll adjust oversight to me.” A glance at Finn. “I’ll be fair.”
“Dr. Novak,” Finn began, only to fall silent as if he couldn’t remember what he’d meant to say, which direction to take.
“Dr. Hayes.” Her voice slipped a notch warmer. “I’m sure I’m not the first one to tell you that this job comes with sacrifices—trust me, I know. And I can tell that this isn’t trivial for either of you.”
Nothing. I had absolutely fucking nothing when whatever I said could be used against us. For the first time since I’d sat down, I turned to face Finn. Our eyes held for a beat that vibrated all the way down to my toes.