Chapter 2 – James #4
James didn’t mean to close his eyes. One minute, he was watching the drag queens walk out on stage, snuggled up tightly in his boyfriend’s arms, and the next, he jolted awake from a soft thud on the other side of the couch.
Yarmen had returned from wherever he’d run off to when James and Leon had started kissing. He arched his back up and then circled around twice before curling up in his favorite spot.
“Looks like it’s bedtime for Yarmen,” James said, trying to stifle a yawn. “Which probably means I should go soon.”
Leon’s hand stilled where it had been drawing idle patterns into James’ back. “You could stay.”
James’ body tensed before he could stop it.
They both turned to look at each other, and James readied himself to sit up again. Maybe the couch wasn’t the best place to have serious conversations like this. He felt like he was getting an ab workout from all the adjusting and repositioning.
Right on cue, Leon wrapped his arms tightly around James’ back before sitting them both upright. It meant a lot to him that Leon was still so gentle with him, even after James’ body had basically rejected his sleepover invitation.
“Okay, so, I’m going to take that as a no?” Leon asked as he scooted back into the corner of the couch so they could more easily see each other.
James’ heart stuttered dramatically at the new distance between them. Really, it served his heart and body right for reacting so stupidly to Leon’s request.
“I’m sorry,” James said, bringing his hands in front of his chest to crack his knuckles.
Leon’s eyes flickered down, and he let out a soft huff of breath because he didn’t think James did it right.
James used one hand to bend the fingers on his other backward; meanwhile, Leon preferred to crack his knuckles by brutally shoving the heel of one hand against the knuckles of the other.
The sound it made was like a static shock or a branch snapping.
Yet, somehow, James was the one in the wrong.
Before he could switch hands and bend his other fingers, Leon took James’ hands in his.
“Is there a specific reason why not, or are you just not feeling it?” Leon asked, rubbing his thumbs over James’ knuckles.
Oh, there was definitely a reason; it was just hard for him to talk about. He’d never had to explain to a hookup why he couldn’t spend the night, and the last time he had a serious boyfriend, it hadn’t been an issue.
“Oh, no, I’m definitely feeling it,” James said, grimacing when Leon’s raised eyebrow made it clear that probably wasn’t the best place to start.
“I mean, I want to. I love spending time with you, and I know sleeping over means spending more time together. I also, obviously, love cuddling with you, and really like what we just did, and if I slept over, we could probably do more of that, and maybe even have that conversation in the morning, and do even more stuff together, which I’m excited for and genuinely want to–”
“Darlin’,” Leon interrupted, squeezing both of James’ hands. “You don’t have to convince me why a sleepover would be nice. I’m the one who suggested it.”
James cringed, trying to pull back, but Leon didn’t let him get very far. He shifted his leg, which was pressed up against the back of the couch, until he could fold it behind James’ back and pull him closer, even though he’d been the one to pull away in the first place.
“What’s going on?” Leon coaxed, dropping one of his hands so he could press his warm palm to James’ cheek. “Talk to me.”
James had to look away because the image of Leon in his sexy-as-sin crop top, rumpled boxers, and still slightly pink cheeks made James want to say yes. He wanted to dive back into Leon’s arms and ask him to hold him for the rest of the night.
“I don’t feel safe sleeping over at a moment’s notice,” James forced himself to say. “I need time to plan ahead.”
Leon’s hand dropped from his face, and his mahogany eyes pinched in pain.
“You…don’t feel safe with me?” he asked, and this time, when he was the one to pull back, James clung to his hand for dear life.
“No!” James said. “I mean–yes! I feel so safe with you, Leon. I have never felt this safe with anyone.”
Which begged the very good question, which he would be paying his therapist a lot of money to help him unravel, why couldn’t he just spit out what the problem was?
“I don’t feel safe sleeping over at a moment’s notice because I have to tell my mom.”
Ah, right. That was why. Because it sounded absolutely absurd.
The lines around Leon’s eyes deepened as he squinted at James. “You need to get permission?”
James propped an elbow up on his leg and dropped his face into his hand, hiding his eyes and his burning cheeks. “No, of course not. I’m sorry, I don’t know why I… It’s…hard to talk about.”
Leon shifted, but James kept his face buried in his hand.
He felt Leon’s side brush against his shoulder as the couch dipped and creaked.
Then, he felt something soft against the skin on his arm, and a slight weight was placed in his lap.
He squinted through his parted fingers to find Yarmen looking up at him with sleepy green eyes.
“Pet Yarmen,” Leon instructed, gesturing at James’ free hand.
He did as instructed, starting at his silky ears and running down the soft, bony ridge of his back before starting over.
Petting cats–or any animal, really–had always helped James feel more at ease.
He was sure it helped a lot of people, but he really appreciated how it could slow his racing thoughts and help him focus on what mattered.
Like the intuitive and insightful man who was watching James pet his cat.
“When you feel like you can, I would still really like an explanation, but take your time,” Leon said, and it was clear he meant it. His posture was relaxed as he leaned into the side of the couch, his leg still holding James in place.
James forced himself to take a few deep breaths.
“So, the first thing you need to understand about my mom is that she’s very stubborn.
The doctors warned her that she was going to need help around the house, both during and after her chemo treatment,” James said, and Leon nodded for him to continue.
“For a bit, we lived with my dad. Then my dad left, and it was just me, but I was able to make it work, so it was never much of a problem. Of course, that meant I couldn’t go on extended vacations, or…
any vacations really, but that was fine.
It also made dating rather difficult, because again, no vacations or trips or even sleepovers.
She always fought me on that, telling me to go out and live my life, but it really wasn’t possible for many years.
Chemo can cause peripheral neuropathy in the extremities, and it did for my mom. ”
Leon made a face, and James paused his explanation only for Leon to duck his head. “Sorry, I don’t know what that is,” Leon admitted.
“No, yeah, of course not. Why would you?” he said with a shaky laugh.
“It’s when the nerves that branch off your spine become damaged, and it can cause numbness, pain, and weakness, usually in your hands or feet.
For my mom, it was both. It meant I had to do most of the cooking, cleaning, and housework.
It also gave her a shuffle step, which causes her to trip and fall pretty easily. ”
Yarmen’s fur was beginning to stick to James’ palm as his hands began to sweat.
“My mom and I had talked for months about how she needed to either install one of those smart home devices, get a Life Alert necklace, or, at the bare minimum, carry her phone with her around the house when I wasn’t there.
She was pretty good about it during the day.
She fell down a few times, but we have some neighbors she could text, or I could get home pretty quickly if it wasn’t too serious.
She really wasn’t great about it at night, though.
There were two times she fell down on her way to the bathroom, and she had to shout to wake me up. ”
Leon stiffened, his eyes going wide, and James hung his head.
“So, one day, near the end of mom’s chemo treatment, I went over to a guy’s house, and I fell asleep. While I was out, she got up in the middle of the night to go get a drink of water and…fell.”
“Oh, darlin’,” Leon said.
James shook his head. He didn’t want Leon’s pity or his sympathy.
“It was an accident–I mean, obviously, it was an accident. She didn’t mean to trip, and I didn’t mean to fall asleep.
But I should have told her I was going over to a guy’s house.
Maybe if I had, she would have carried her phone with her to the bathroom. ”
Leon nodded slowly. “So, you need enough warning to tell your mom you won’t be home, so she carries her phone with her if she gets up in the middle of the night?”
James sighed. “Yeah. But to be honest, it’s more so that I need time to even broach the subject with her.
She’s doing so much better; her hands are almost back to the way they were before, and she still has some problems with her feet, but she hasn’t tripped in–” James reached out and knocked on the wood of Leon’s coffee table.
“–knock on wood, several months. I think it’s going to be a bit of an argument because it’s less so for her safety than it is for my peace of mind. ”
Which…didn’t feel great. He hated that he still had so much anxiety about his mom’s health. He wanted to be the kind of boyfriend who could be spontaneous, have sex at a moment's notice, and then stay the night.
He just wasn’t.
“I think that makes total sense,” Leon said, voice calm and steady. “Besides, you don’t even have any of your stuff with you. It would probably be better all around if we schedule our first sleepover and then plan ahead for sleepovers moving forward.”
The back of James’ eyes burned, and he wished he could blame Yarmen’s fur. “Yeah, I…yeah. That would be great,” James said, swallowing a few times to hopefully discourage any more tears from forming.
Leon bent forward until his mouth was right next to James’ ear. “Was that so hard, darlin’?”
James gave a wobbly laugh before wrapping his arm tightly around Leon’s back. “Sort of, yeah.”
Leon laughed as well, his warm breath puffing against James’ neck. They both turned their heads at the same time and shared a soft kiss before getting up to gather James’ things.
“Do you want to put something on the calendar now?” James asked, and Leon pulled out his phone.
“You’re with your mom next weekend through Christmas that Wednesday, right?” Leon asked.
“Yeah, and I would invite you, but–”
“But we’re still new, and I’d prefer to meet her in a less pressured environment for the first time,” Leon said, reiterating a conversation they’d already had.
“That’s fair. Howard and Linda will be staying with us for the weekend, and Mom and I are spending Christmas Eve and Christmas together. I could try and see if I could pop out early one day, or–”
Leon shook his head, and James trailed off. “How about the weekend between Christmas and New Year's?”
James eagerly agreed and gave Leon a longer than necessary kiss at the door before heading out.
He was tempted to put the sleepover on the calendar he shared with his mother, but he knew they needed to have a real talk about it.
They also needed to discuss when she wanted to meet Leon and when or if he should meet Howard and Linda.
It felt like they should probably at least have their first sleepover together before meeting the parents.
It wouldn’t be much longer now, though. A little less than two weeks
and they’d get to try again.