14. Jamie
The voice of the weather girl on TV drags me from the depths of sleep.
I couldn’t bring myself to sleep in the bedroom last night.
The intention had been there but when I opened the door only to be confronted by the makeshift noose it became a firm no.
After a contemplative minute, I’d grabbed a pillow and headed back to the safety of the sofa.
Mum’s last call was just after midnight, her voice had been fraught with anguish as she realised it was impossible for her to ring me hourly overnight.
I ended up having to facetime her instead; to prove I was settled on the sofa without a pill or alcohol in sight.
Every muscle in my body aches from being unable to stretch out in my sleep and the loud knocking on the door isn’t doing anything to improve my mood.
The newsreader informs me it’s just after seven thirty in the morning, and the door knocking continues.
I know it isn’t Mum, I’ve convinced her not to come over for a few days.
That means it can only be Scarlett.
And I really am not in the mood for Scarlett.
My phoned pings, alerting me to a new message.
Morning, I can hear the TV so you either left it on for company or you’re awake and avoiding me.
I have Starbucks and pastries.
As much as I could murder a coffee right now, the likelihood is that I’d end up upsetting Scarlett if I open that door, and trust me, that’s the last thing I want to do.
Pushing up from the sofa, I head over to put the kettle on, pick a cup and drop in a teaspoon of coffee.
Not quite Starbucks but it would hit the spot.
As I wait for the water to boil, Scarlett texts again.
Your coffee is going cold and you’re in real danger of me eating your Danish.
It’s the apricot one that you like.
Tempting as it sounds, it still comes with a side order of Scarlett.
I drop two slices of bread into the toaster instead, before I fill my cup with boiling water and a splash of milk.
With my toast buttered and coffee made, I head back to the sofa to enjoy it.
I feel a little guilty at leaving Scarlett outside but I really can’t face seeing anyone right now.
I pick up my phone and tap out a message.
Thanks, but can we do breakfast another day? I’m waiting on a call from the Welfare Officer.
That is a lie but I know Scarlett won’t challenge me on anything to do with my job.
I let out a small laugh; my job.
I can’t seem to imagine ever going back, which shocks me because the Army is my life, it’s who I am to the core.
Panic rises within me again; I can hear the blood rushing around my ears and everything suddenly seems to feel overwhelming and fearful.
I’ve had a few emails and messages from my sergeant and even one email from my captain asking me to get in touch once I felt ready.
I’ve ignored them up until now, but no doubt my recent hospital admission has been disclosed to my squadron leader.
I won’t be able to avoid having a conversation with them for much longer.
I suppose so.
I’ll leave your coffee out here for you, but I’ve eaten your Danish.
Snooze, you lose!
That made me smile ever so slightly.
It was typical Scarlett behaviour.
I don’t think we’ve ever shared a meal where she hasn’t eaten half of whatever I’ve ordered.
Okay, I’m leaving now, but in the words of Arnie, I’ll be back.
I don’t doubt that for a minute, but at least I’ve bought myself some time.
After a reasonable amount of time has lapsed, I open the front door and claim the coffee Scarlett has left for me.
I place it on the counter and take a photo, then send it in a message to her.
Thanks for the coffee, next time you need to remember I only drink the blonde roast
Immediately the three dots appear on the screen, bouncing as she types out her response.
Who are you and what have you done with my Jay? Blonde roast, as if!
For the first time in what seems like months, I laugh loudly.
A real raucous belly laugh.
If I can rely on Scarlett for anything it’s to call me out on my shit.
She’d never let either me or Tom get away with thinking we were anything other than the council estate kids we’d grown up as.
I love her for that.
Thoughts of my childhood fill my head, taking me back to the days we spent playing football or riding our bikes down by the river.
No matter how many times we tried to lose Scarlett so she didn’t damage our street cred we couldn’t.
At first, she’d been a pain in our arses, especially mine.
Tom didn’t seem to mind her constant presence but then again, they were twins.
Two halves of the same person.
I used to get so jealous of the bond they shared, the language they’d developed between them so nobody else knew what the hell they were going on about, it drove me mad.
As we’d grown up though, we became a solid team.
Unbreakable. Well, that was until Tom died.
And there it was again, the dark cloak that shrouded me.
The despair and fear of trying to carry on without him suffocating me.
The tears well, threatening to spill.
The cup is suddenly launched across room, remains of the coffee drench the wall as I collapse to the floor and clutch my knees to my chest.
Sobs wrack my body until I have nothing left to give.
My head rests back against the wall where I sit on the floor as I take in a few deep breaths.
This can’t go on.
I have nothing left to give; the tank is empty.
I pull up my mother’s number on my phone and hit the call button.
She answers within three rings.
“I’m on my way, son.”
I don’t need to speak; she knows I need her and she’s willing to drop everything to be by my side.
Despite everything I’ve put her through over the last few days.
I end the call and pull myself up from the floor, the knot in my stomach grows as I pace the floor, waiting for her to arrive.
When the intercom alerts me to my mum’s arrival, I press the button to open the external door to the apartment block and take the latch off the door to the flat.
Mum bursts into the flat minutes later and wraps me in her arms.
Even at my age, I recognise there are times in your life that nobody else will do.
No one can make you feel the way your mother can.
The warmth surrounds me, I feel her heartbeat as she pulls me in even tighter and in return my own begins to slow and regulate.
The power of a parent’s love is unfathomable.
“Oh love, let it out.
Let it all out.
I’m here, I’ve got you.”
“I’m sorry, Mum.
I’m so, so sorry,”
sniffing back my tears, I speak through broken breaths.
“I don’t know how to fix this.”
Grasping my arms tightly, Mum distances herself so she could look me straight in the eye, God knows what a sight I look.
Six foot tall and a shaking mess.
“I’ll tell you how we fix this, you’re coming home with me.
I will look after you, we’ll call the crisis number and we will get you all the help and support you need.”
She searches my face, waiting for me to disagree I suppose but I no longer have it in me.
The urge to fight against her disappeared the moment she walked through the door.
“Shall we pack your things and get you home? There are lots of people out there that want to help you, not just Scarlett and I, you just have to be willing to accept their help.”
I can’t stop the tears from flowing now that I’ve given into them.
I feel broken and all I can do is nod in agreement.
“Right then, we start now.
We make a plan and we stick to it, together we can get you back.”
Mum runs her hand along my cheek, drying my tears as she does.
I turn my head into it and plant a kiss on her palm.
“Thank you,”
“Shush now, no need for that.
We’re a team, remember? Now, let’s get this place cleaned up and packed.
Then we can start afresh back at home.”