CHAPTER NINE
“SO, HOW WAS IT?” LO ASKED FROM MY BED, DRESSED IN A GRAY sleep shirt and socks.
I had messaged Lo after leaving the Sphere in a daze.
The phantom feel of Collin’s lips against mine lingered, and I traced my now bare lips.
I had ditched the gown and doused myself in a cold shower, but my skin remained too hot.
The feel of Collin’s racing heart beneath my hand where I had clutched him.
The flood of disappointment when he had pulled away too soon.
The burn of desire that scorched me from the inside out. It all remained. Maybe it always would.
“Em?” Lo prompted again.
“It was good,” I confessed as my hand dropped away from my searing lips and I started toying with the hem of my shirt. “He kissed me.”
Lo squealed and yanked me onto the bed next to her.
“When? How?” Lo demanded, grinning. “Please, please, please tell me it’s better than those diagrams.”
During our Grooming at the Academy, our education had consisted of sterile, often intimidating diagrams and lessons detailing the procreation phase.
I had always found it unappealing, even frightening.
What I had experienced tonight had been frightening .
. . but in a way I had never felt before.
The kiss had finished almost as quickly as it had started, and the night had ended immediately, early enough that I could still catch up with Lo before curfew.
Yet something had coiled deep in my gut, something endless and unabated.
“Before we left. In front of everyone. And yes, it’s better than the diagrams.” I smiled.
“All the Elite saw?” Lo gushed. “So you’re officially in an agreement, right?”
I held up my left wrist, the sleeve of my nightshirt cascading down my arm. My living quarters filled with a golden glow.
“Why is it gold?” Lo asked, turning my wrist over. “Isn’t it supposed to be silver?”
Usually, a Minor Mate’s MIND turned silver when their Procreation Contract went into effect. Most women hid it from their fellow Defects. It had a way of turning the others in gray against you.
“I think it’s gold because he’s an Illum. That’s what the Starlings said.”
“Emeline,” Lo exclaimed, scooting closer until our knees touched. “An Illum kissed a Minor in front of the Elite. Do you understand what this could mean for the Minors? Surely this has never happened. Maybe more of us will get public Courtings. Maybe fewer of us will go to the Sanctuary!”
“I don’t think it’s that simple,” I said.
“What do you mean?” Lo asked.
I told Lo about seeing Phillip and the Elite in the atrium and the hideous things the Elite had said. “And I met my other two birth brothers tonight. And saw my birth parents.”
Lo’s eyes went wide. “They’re all up there? You’re the only one down here?” Lo inquired, shock radiating from her. “Are you the only Defect in your line?”
I nodded, feeling myself unraveling. Defects didn’t discuss birth parents or siblings. Technically we weren’t permitted to discuss anything with one another and the need for self-preservation made the topic taboo.
Lo shook her head. “I haven’t been able to figure out why you hated the program so much. Well, besides your eyes,” Lo said nonchalantly. “It makes so much sense now.”
The comment was like a physical blow. I smiled tightly at her, not trusting any words that might come out.
“Why were all the Elite on the ground?” Lo asked.
I blew out a breath. “The Elite have to enter the Capitol from the ground right now.”
“Really? Like us?”
“Yeah, there was an issue at the Capitol,” I told her.
Lo sat up straighter. “What kind of issue? Is that why you didn’t hear from Collin for four days?”
“It is. Apparently, some group broke in, and six Elite were killed.” I shuddered at the thought.
Lo’s hands found her hair, mindlessly twisting it. “Did he tell you why?”
“The Starlings didn’t say.” I shook my head, my eyes catching on the scanner by the door. I was surprised to see it blinking yellow. A warning that curfew was approaching. I had scanned my MIND upon my return, but the automated voice never sounded. It had remained quiet. Lo followed my gaze.
“Shit, curfew is about to start. I can’t afford to get into any trouble with tomorrow and all,” Lo said, some of her usual confidence faltering. “You know, my yearly.”
“Oh, Lo, I’m sorry. I completely forgot.”
Lo went to the door. “It’s okay. You have a lot going on now. It’s not like before.”
I slipped off my bed. “It’s not like that. I just lost track of things.”
“A Mate will do that,” Lo responded, opening the door. “I’ll see you on the ride after our shifts tomorrow. Meet in the atrium? I still want to hear all about the tea and that thing.” She pointed to my open wardrobe, where the white gown hung next to the golden one—beautiful tokens from the clouds.
“I’ll tell you everything tomorrow. Good luck at your yearly.”
Lo smiled at me. “I have one more question.”
“What is it?”
“Was it good?” Lo asked. “The kiss?”
“Oh.” I suddenly felt too warm. “Yeah, it was.”
Lo’s grin spread. “Good. See you tomorrow.”
The door clicked closed, and I walked toward the window and stared at the night sky.
I had nothing to measure my first kiss by, but it had been good.
His lips against mine. The way Collin had sucked in a breath seconds before his fingertips had pressed into my skin, pulling me in closer.
I had gone willingly, eagerly. His lips pressing harder into mine.
My hand finding his chest, a wild desperate beat akin to my own.
The first sign something might dwell beneath his polished exterior.
Then he had loosened his hold, pushing me away, ending the kiss.
Had Collin enjoyed it?
The Sphere had been an excited mess. Voices bounced around the space, blending into one another, making their words too muddled to hear.
“Don’t look at them” had been the only words Collin had said to me. He led me to a Pod, seeing me inside in complete silence, features unreadable. Polished once more. As the doors closed, I swore I heard those two words again.
Forgive me.
My door barred shut, locking me in, and the lights turned off, plunging my living quarters into total darkness.
Curfew had begun. I shifted my gaze, but the glow of the moon was missing.
A new moon. A new Procreation Agreement.
New Mates. I lifted my hand to my lips. The golden glow broke through the darkness that surrounded me. A new want.
Forgive me.
Why did he need my forgiveness?
“GOOD MORNING, EMELINE. I AM YOUR PERSONAL HOLOGRAM Instructor.”
I shot out of bed, frantically searching for the source. A female form stood near my bed. A round black orb sat on the counter, projecting the woman into my room.
I had forgotten about the session Collin had mentioned.
I massaged my chest, willing my heart to slow.
The sky outside was still dark, dawn a ways off.
I flipped my Comm Device over, groaning.
Four-thirty in the morning. I went to rub the sleep from my eyes but stopped.
I didn’t want to jeopardize the lens that felt dry again.
“Please scan your MIND prior to the start of our lesson.”
I made my way to the scanner, shoving my golden wrist under it. A small beep and a minute later, the HI began talking instead of the automated voice I was accustomed to. I attempted to follow the woman’s words while my body urged my brain to function.
“Today is the second day of the tenth lunar cycle. It will be partly cloudy with a high of forty-five degrees. You are currently in a Procreation Agreement with M17292834. You are in the Courting Phase.”
I stumbled to my sink for a glass of water as she continued her report. Our scanner never told us the date or the weather.
“According to your most recent scans, you are on day fourteen of your menstrual cycle.” I spit my water into the sink. “I have adjusted your foods accordingly to provide the best nutrition for your ovulation phase.”
I cringed. I knew being approved for a Procreation Contract meant the end of the supplements that discontinued my cycle. All Defect women’s supplements contained something that stopped our cycles until we were Mated.
“According to your morning scan, your vitamin D levels are low.” I rolled my eyes. So instead of an automated voice, I now had a projected person to illuminate all my inadequacies. I downed my water.
“This is most likely due to lack of sunlight. I have increased your vitamin D dosage.”
That was different. The automated voice never gave reasons. If I needed sunshine, why was I kept underground all day? Wouldn’t that ensure that Defects stayed . . . well, defective?
“Your progesterone levels are also inadequate for procreation. I have adjusted your supplements. Your MIND indicates you got six and a half hours of sleep. However, your heart rate and cortisol levels were elevated upon waking.”
“Obviously,” I muttered. A person had been in my room—or a projected person. Hologram. Whatever she was.
The use of holograms wasn’t novel. My education had been solely conducted by holograms. No one dared waste human breath on the Defects’ education.
Except when Nestor, the Academy headmaster, spoke to us.
I didn’t know if you could call him human.
He was always so still, almost lifeless.
Perhaps being surrounded by holograms and offspring had sapped the life from him.
Even my work now was hologram based. I had never actually seen any of the art I cataloged, just realistic projections of the pieces. This hologram was different, though. She seemed more solid than the others, more lifelike. It was unsettling.
“High cortisol levels are counterproductive to your fertility. I shall play some relaxing sounds to bring your levels down before beginning our lesson. Your food shall arrive shortly. Please relax and enjoy.”