CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
MINUTES LATER, I SAT IN THE POD WITH GREGORY. HIS EYES had filled with a sorrow I never wanted to know. “Thank you,” he muttered quietly.
“I didn’t have anything to do with you being in blue,” I said. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be, little sister. It didn’t faze me.”
“How could it not?”
“It is just a color. It held no power until they told you it did. They told me to wear it, so I did.” Gregory smirked, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Family fuckup, remember? It would seem it is just me again, now that you are the Illum’s puppet.”
“I am not.” My plan gathered speed at his words.
“After tonight, in the eyes of the Elite, you are.”
“I don’t want to be,” I said.
Gregory took off his jacket, tossing it to the ground. “If the Illum have taught me anything, it’s that they don’t give a shit about what you want.”
“Any advice for me?”
Gregory stretched out over the seat, lying down, folding his hands behind his head as he stared at the night sky. “Yes. Never care about anyone. The less you care about, the less you have to lose.”
“And if it’s too late for that?” Because I cared.
I cared about those offspring and their birth mothers.
I cared about the man they had killed. I cared about Violet’s injuries and her hidden love for Rose.
I cared about Lo and her need to prove her mother wrong.
I cared about Nora—about what they had put her through.
I cared about Gregory. I cared about what the Illum had done to Hal.
I cared so much, I felt as if I might break under the weight of it all. I cared about . . .
The Pod plummeted to the ground. I welcomed the drop, letting go of the last thing I thought I cared about, the plummet ripping any feelings for Collin away—leaving it among his clouds and the horrors I had found there.
Gregory looked right at me like he saw it all, devastation etched across his face. “Then never let them find out.”
The Pod came to a stop, the doors opening. “You said they are always a step ahead.”
“I did.”
“So if they are, won’t they find out?”
“Most likely.”
“Then what do I do?”
“Only you can answer that.”
“What would you do?”
Gregory gestured to his blue suit. “There is nothing I will not do, little sister.”
“Do you love her?” I asked.
Gregory laughed, seeped in sorrow as he twisted the gold band he wore as the Pod stopped.
“There is not a word I know for what I feel for her. She is”—Gregory swallowed, shaking his head as he stared at the stars—“everything, everywhere. The stars, the earth, the very air. She is everything. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for her. ”
I wanted to know how it had happened, but I didn’t ask.
I stepped off the Pod as Gregory reached for the stars.
The man who claimed he was a horrible person.
He let them call him horrible names and acted the part, all for feelings he could not act on, all to protect someone he could not have.
He might have been the most honorable person I had ever met, and no one would ever know.
I knew my next steps, but I didn’t know their ramifications. My hand flew to the door, holding it open.
“What is it?” Gregory asked, coming to sit.
“You aren’t a horrible person, Gregory.” Our eyes met. I released the doors before he could respond, and the Pod took off.
My plan took shape with each step to my living quarters. I thrust my arm under my scanner before I made my way to my wardrobe.
My colorful gowns overtook the gray, all neatly hung up.
I had been happy to see them every day. I had carefully displayed each one, the coordinating shoes and clutch neatly aligned with the dress.
I treated them like sacred tokens from their beautiful world.
They weren’t sacred. They were guises, used to distract us from the horrors they committed.
I ripped off the beaded gown, desperate to be free of it—tearing at the neck until it came free, falling heavily to the floor, the beads scattering. There was a stain on the hem of the gown. My chest cracked open.
The man’s blood had stained my gown. Hot tears of anger and despair filled my eyes, threatening to spill over. I wiped wildly at them, refusing to let them fall. My lens shifted.
I raised my hand to my left eye and unceremoniously removed the lens. I flicked it to the floor. I hung the gown beside the others. It wasn’t a token. This gown was a beacon guiding me, pushing me toward this next step. I tossed on my gray shirt and threw myself onto my bed.
In my body’s stillness my thoughts became mutinous as they tore apart my conditioning. Frenzied and crazed, those thoughts devoured the things that had left me okay with doing nothing.
Follow the Illum’s protocol, abide by the rules of the Minor Defect population, and constantly seek self-improvement, and you will rise, fulfilling your use for the Greater Good.
I couldn’t. My plan was dangerous. I ran my fingers over the chip hidden in my wrist. They would know where I was going.
Maybe I would find one of those cuffs Hal had had before the Illum discovered me.
Maybe I wouldn’t. Somehow that should have given me pause.
Collin had told me that if the Illum took notice, he would only be able to do so much.
The truth was I had enjoyed being with Collin. I had enjoyed the way his mouth felt against mine, the way he held me. I had wanted him to be different—to be that man in my immature dream of being twirled in a beautiful gown. I had wanted to be saved.
I’m not foolish enough to ask for something no longer obtainable.
I had ignored the viciousness and power that were always there. I had ignored what he was. He had killed that man, put Gregory in blue, and addressed the Elite in a way that left me feeling like the fool.
Collin hadn’t been the only one to choose wrong.
I was the property of the Illum. I had no one to blame but myself and my desperate need for more, a foolish want that had sealed my fate. My self-pity greedily swallowed me whole.
Hal had been right, and I had pushed him away, spewed horrible things at him. I owed him an apology, but more, he needed to know that his people were in danger.
I had the day off. I didn’t intend to waste it. The consequences be damned.
Alice had been right too. I’d rather be in blue than be their vessel. Maybe I would end up just like her. Perhaps I was okay with it. Sleep swept in and carried my inner chaos away.
“TODAY IS THE EIGHTH DAY OF THE TENTH LUNAR CYCLE. Today will be rainy, with a high of thirty-nine degrees. You are currently in a Procreation Agreement with M17292834. In the Courting Phase.”
Frida’s voice filled the room. I shot up. I scanned my wrist before running to my wardrobe. I slipped on my usual gray attire, wishing I had something blue to blend in as Frida began her report.
Frida informed me I was still in the luteal phase and my cortisol levels were extremely elevated; thus my morning supplements were being adjusted to calm me—to alleviate my stress.
I froze on the last two buttons of my shirt. I was stressed because I had seen someone die violently, and it was my fault. What if I didn’t want the stress to be taken away?
One of the black boxes dinged, my morning meal ready, but I ignored it. I attempted to tune her out while I waited for curfew to end, pacing before my door.
“Now, a message from the Illum.”
I stopped. That was new. Why was I getting an HI message from the Illum? What did that mean?
“Good morning, loyal Elites.”
That voice. Projected onto my far wall was that woman again. Tabitha. Bile crawled its way up my throat at the sight of her.
“I am here to address all the rumors that have reached us. There have been concerns regarding a man who has been named the Reaper. As of yesterday, we were able to apprehend a sympathizer of this Reaper. We obtained vital information before terminating the traitor. We will continue to root out this diseased way of thinking that threatens to destroy our peace and upend our prosperity and sacred way of life. To spread discord among those with defects. We can assure you, the Defect community is now under close surveillance and new restrictions and measures will be put into place to maintain the balance. Furthermore, anyone with any information is encouraged to come forth. Together we can put an end to this mishap. Any and all sympathizers shall be eliminated immediately. The Illum looks to you, loyal Elite, in this crusade to rip out this infectious threat before it takes root. To preserve our progress. We are one.”
She carried on, each word anchoring me in disgust. Each word cleared my path forward. The mothers’ faces, their desperate pleas, the crying offspring, gray eyes turning red, Violet’s battered face, Gregory’s love for Nora, and Rose holding on to Violet’s dress.
There were many things I didn’t know. Some things I didn’t understand.
Things I had not experienced. I had never felt an ounce of the pain those mothers felt.
I had never felt the silent dedication Gregory carried alone in secret, or had someone cling to me, ready to strike down anyone who hurt me, the way Rose did.
I had never known love.
I had felt fear, though. The looks on those offsprings’ faces. I knew that helplessness. That was a disease of its own. That was the disease I would end, even if it ended me.
I had been asked to do nothing, but I had never been good at following rules.
I didn’t know what difference I could make or if I would even find what I wanted to find, but the Elite had bowed to me like I was one of them. It had snapped something in me. The Illum had used me. I took a steadying breath. I wouldn’t make another mistake.
I walked into the bathroom. My makeup and hair were still intact from last night, and I still wore the diamond earrings. I yanked them off. I didn’t look away for several minutes at my complete heterochromia. For the first time, I saw it. There was a beauty to it—in something different.
I grabbed my Comm Device. Five more minutes. I slipped my shoes on, turning my back to the video message.
Four minutes.
Your actions will bring peace.
Three minutes.
As long as there is life, we will fight to preserve our sacred ways.
Two minutes.
Eradicating this threat as one.
One minute.
We will continue our enlightened path forward.
Curfew ended.
We will eliminate anyone who threatens our progress.
I yanked my door open, dropping my Comm Device into my pocket. I saw no one on the elevators, and when I exited the building, there was no one on the street.
I was done doing nothing. I was going to the Underworld.