Chapter 3 #2
“Not forward at all, and I appreciate you being so up front with me. I’m big on consent, so this really had to be up to you.
I’m already in. We still have to go through the negotiation process, and that takes a little time.
And we need to get to know each other a bit more so we have some context for the negotiations.
I know we’ve met and talked a few times, and we have Micah and Arrow in common, but we don’t really know each other yet, and I’d like to. It’s important for me.”
“That makes sense,” she said.
She was biting her lip, and he wasn’t totally convinced she felt the same about getting to know each other, but that part was a non-negotiable for him in this case.
Maybe going through that process would help her see why he felt the need to do it.
Because it wasn’t just that this was likely going to be more than pickup play.
It wasn’t all about things like preferred toys and activities and hard limits.
It was about the emotions that were going to come up during play, as well as after, and maybe even before.
And he was just realizing it wasn’t going to be only on her end.
Whatever chemistry they had went somewhere beyond the mere physical, and he was still trying to figure it out.
But he knew he had to go with his gut on this.
“So, what do you want to know?” she asked.
“All the things,” he answered with a smile.
“I’m only partly joking. It’s important, for a lot of reasons, but of course, you don’t have to share anything you’re not comfortable sharing.
But I will tell you this: if you have a trigger that you keep from me, and I inadvertently trigger you during a scene because you didn’t tell me about it, the play is over.
I’ll provide aftercare—always. But the scene will be done, and we’ll be done.
Your honesty is how I can protect you. Do you understand what I’m saying? ”
She nodded, her eyes going a little misty, and he thought she might be slipping into subspace just from the tone of his voice. But he meant what he’d said.
“Claudia. I need you to say the words.”
She nodded once more. “Yes, I understand. I do.”
“Good. So, now we just talk. About our pasts, our kink history, relationship history, anything that might affect us on that Dungeon floor, or while we’re preparing to play, or after we scene.
I want the good and the bad, and I’ll share mine, too.
Because this is a power exchange, which is something I think a lot of Tops forget, and a lot of bottoms don’t understand. ”
“I get that—I really do. And I appreciate you addressing it. I know that’s been an issue for me in the past, and for a lot of other people I know. I’m just not sure where to begin. I told you a bit about my ex-husband, and you… well, you saw him in action once or twice.”
“Yeah, I did. And it took everything I had not to intervene. Well, and Arrow, too. We both saw it, and we kept each other in check. If he’d physically hurt you, that would have been totally different—we would have stepped in.
But the other shit? We didn’t know exactly what your agreement with him was around degradation until after, when we talked to Micah.
But it was fucking hard to watch. So yeah, I know a little, and I will need to know more.
You don’t have to talk about actual incidents, especially if something is triggery for you, but I’ll need to know about the triggers, and have a basic idea of where they came from. ”
“I’ll be honest with you, Brody—I’m kind of going to hate that part. But I understand why it’s necessary. Can we… can I take a little time with that? I mean maybe even fifteen minutes?”
“Yeah, of course. Why don’t I start, then? Because you need to know about my life, too. Exchange, right?”
She smiled and nodded for him to continue.
“Okay. So, not to launch into anything too heavy first thing, but I feel like we’re kindred spirits of a sort just from what little I know about your experience.”
“Do you?”
“I think so. We’ve experienced different kinds of damage, and we’ve both had to start our lives over, so yeah. But maybe I need to tell you more of my story so you’ll understand what I mean.”
“I’d like to hear whatever you want to tell me.”
“I know I’ve mentioned my injuries from playing football, but there’s more to it than that.
It’s a hard blow for any athlete, and I wasn’t ready to end my career.
I kept tearing up my knee, having surgery, tearing it up again, then another surgery.
But I felt like admitting defeat, admitting that my body wouldn’t hold up the way it did when I was younger, was some sort of betrayal.
I didn’t want to give in. Maybe there was some ego at play.
No; I know there was, and that’s something I’ve had to face.
The scars on my knee don’t bother me so much, but ending my career?
That was a whole other issue, and it was a big one.
It felt too big for a few years. And then something else happened that forced me to face reality. ”
Claudia was watching him, her gaze soft, focused on what he was saying. And what he was talking about wasn’t the easiest thing in the world to discuss, but he was getting better at it.
“I had a buddy, one of my best friends, Bull Clarke. He’d been playing a few years longer than me, and he really helped mentor me through the early part of my career.
Great guy, with a wife and little boy. He was a badass player.
But one time he got tackled bad, and it was one too many concussions.
Left him in a damn wheelchair with a brain injury.
But maybe the worst part of it was that his son didn’t have his dad to coach his football league anymore.
He didn’t have a dad who could run around with him.
And for his wife, well, it changed their family and how they did everything, their everyday life, in some really profound ways.
And I realized that was where I could be headed if I didn’t stop being so damn stubborn. ”
“Brody, I’m so sorry,” Claudia said, laying a hand on his arm, and he felt the warmth in her touch even through his thick flannel shirt.
“Yeah, me, too. I coached for his kid’s team for a while, did whatever I could to help the family, until Bull’s brother and his wife moved to town to help.
And I could do that because I decided to retire.
Pro ball pays nicely, so I had enough stashed away to take some time and figure out what I wanted to do with my life.
That’s when I bought my little ranch, took in some rescue animals.
And the animals help me in their own way.
So did being of some use to Bull’s family.
But it’s been four years, and I’m still working on the blow to my self-esteem.
Trying to figure out where I fit in the world. ”
“Of course. It’s terrible to be forced to quit doing something you love.”
“Yeah, I did love it. Loved football. That’s all I’d ever really wanted to do since I was a kid.
But it was more than that. It completely changed my self-perception.
And that was really the hard part. And I’ll tell you a secret.
” He paused, because this wasn’t easy, but he knew it was good for him to say the words out loud.
“Seeing what happened to my buddy scared the shit out of me. It made me see—really see—how fragile human life is. I’d never felt fragile before.
In fact, that ego shit had me believing I was invincible.
And what happened to Bull was a really shitty way to discover none of us are. ”
“And…” Claudia paused, biting down on her plush lower lip for a moment. “And you’re still dealing with facing that very human fragility?”
He nodded. “Yeah. I am. And sort of mourning who I once was and never will be again. Young and invincible.”
“You’re still young, Brody. You’re what? In your early thirties?”
“Thirty-four. But it’s not my actual age. It’s that feeling of being that young, that strong. That unbeatable. But man, life just will take us down when we least expect it. And I’m still figuring out who I am despite that.”
She was quiet for several long moments. Then she said, her tone low, “I understand that. And maybe we do have more in common than I thought. Not that I went through having to choose to give up an important career, but being hit in the face by life… that I know. I really thought I had it all figured out. Of course, looking back, I made a poor choice, so I can’t excuse myself from all responsibility for what I’ve been through. ”
“We all make the best choices we can at the time, given the tools we have. I was an idiot when I was young, when I started my career. I was just lucky to have my family to get me through those early years. It’s hard to get too high on your horse even after a Superbowl win when you go home and your mom makes you take the trash out.
” He couldn’t help but smile because it was true.
His family had never treated him like a football star.
They’d kept him balanced. “What about your family?”
Claudia waved a dismissive hand, which told him a little already.
“My mother is in France, on her fourth husband. I never knew my father—he was gone before I was born. My mother has always been a little flighty. When I was growing up, she went from job to job, man to man. I never wanted that for myself. I wanted stability. To choose a life and stick with it. And now here I am, at this age, starting over again.”
“You can’t judge yourself too harshly for that,” he said, keeping his tone gentle.
“I think life is harder when you don’t have a positive model to follow.
My parents are really solid, and my older sister, Kylie, too.
I’m lucky to have the family I have. Lots of aunts and uncles and cousins, and we’re all pretty close. ”