12. “Pay Up.” —Garrett #2
“I wasn’t snooping,” she promises, and that’s about the last time she takes a breath.
“I was overwhelmed and I couldn’t think straight so I came up here for some quiet and I got curious and the lights were on and your bedroom wasn’t what I was expecting and then I found this and the coals were still hot and this fucking view, Carter, it’s absolutely incredible and I was just staring at it and I hope you’re not upset with me for invading your privacy and falling asleep. ”
Upset with her? I’m not upset with her. I’m just fucking staring at her, watching as she goes on and on, this breathtaking masterpiece who’s so wildly contradicting with the way she spits fire and sarcasm while simultaneously caring too much about what people think.
And honestly? I fucking adore her.
Taking her hands in mine, I watch her rambling stop, watch her gaze shake with apprehension.
“Hey, pip-squeak. Take a breath. Don’t be sorry.
” I gesture around us, the crackling flames, the sea of stars swimming in the night sky, the endless trail of black pines leading up to the peaks of the mountains.
This view right here is why I bought this plot of land four years ago.
“I get it. It’s impossible not to get a little lost when you’re looking out at all this.
Kind of realize how small and insignificant we all are, all our problems. It’s my favorite place to be when I need to think, need peace and quiet.
” When I need to forget who the world thinks Carter Beckett is and remember who I actually am, or who I want to be, maybe.
When my gaze floats down from the stars, it finds Olivia carefully watching me, and I wonder what she sees when she looks at me. Is she able to see past the image I’ve carelessly created for myself? I think she is. I’m less sure that her decisions aren’t fueled by that image, though.
She gestures at the beer, a silent question, and I nod, watching as she twists the cap off two, one for each of us. She sips quietly for a minute before asking, “Why did you come after me?”
“Because I haven’t been able to get you off my mind all night. If I’m being honest, I haven’t stopped thinking about you since you walked out on me when we were supposed to get food.”
Another beat of silence.
“Do you know what scares me about you, Carter?”
Everything, probably, but hopefully something I can fix. “What?”
“That I honestly don’t know whether you’re being genuine or if you’re just trying exceptionally hard to get into my pants.”
“It’s a dress,” I tease with a cheeky grin, reaching forward to tug on the wavy hem of the sleeve wrapped around her delicate wrist. Her unimpressed face tells me it’s not the time for jokes.
The short and truthful answer to her worry is both. I genuinely care about her and want to spend time with her, but I would also throw myself at her feet if it meant she’d let me destroy her body, because I want to absolutely wreck her.
I mean that in the most respectful way possible, of course.
“You make me think.” Too much, maybe. It’s messing with my head; everything is jumbled.
She does a half eye roll. “Because you aren’t used to having to work for it?”
Christ. Like, I fucking get it. Nobody trusts me with Olivia, her included, because I fuck around a lot. Nobody thinks I have it in me to change, to want more, to treat a girl right.
Draining my beer and ditching it on the table, I scrub both hands down my face.
I don’t know what to do and it’s unnerving.
I never have to second-guess myself on the ice.
I command that rink and I’ve worked damn hard to earn the respect of my teammates, their confidence in me as their captain.
I do my best not to let them down, but right now, I feel like I’m letting myself down.
I don’t know what my next move should be.
How the hell do I get her to trust me enough to give me a shot here at something, anything?
Olivia touches my knee, drawing my attention. “I’m sorry, Carter. My sauciness is my best defense mechanism.”
I nod. “I see that.” And I get it.
“I meant what I said earlier. I do like you. I just…”
“Don’t trust me,” I finish for her. “And why would you? Why would anyone?” Meant to say that last one in my head.
Olivia’s eyes flicker and drop. Then she reaches out, timid fingers wrapping around mine. “I’m really sorry, Carter.”
Her sincerity is appreciated but she doesn’t have anything to apologize for.
It’s my own fault. Emmett always told me my fucking around would come back to bite me in the ass one day.
I always figured he meant an accidental pregnancy with a puck bunny, though I’m careful as hell.
Birth control and a condom or I’m not going in.
I didn’t think in a million years he meant that the only woman I’ve ever wanted would ultimately not go for me because of my past.
But here she is, having already admitted her feelings for me, the only thing standing in our way being my less than stellar history with relationships, or rather, lack thereof.
So, I guess I need to work on changing her mind, give her a reason to trust me, even if it’s slow and takes me all damn year. I’ll be her friend first, and I’ll be good.
For her.
For Olivia.