Chapter 18
Rue
It’s been weeks since Durin’s visit. On the first few days, I checked the bush each morning, hoping for more gifts. But the anticipation consumed me, and I soon found myself checking multiple times a day. There has yet to be a single thing. Now, I’m trying my best to resist the urge to check because I’m tired of being disappointed.
Maybe I was too gruff with him at first. His words really touched me, and I wanted to hear more. I just panicked a bit, knowing Mother was on her way back. But I thought I was being cute when I left him standing there. I pictured him leaving with a grin on his face, but maybe I was way off.
I’ve replayed our meeting over and over in my mind. Each word he spoke, every detail of his gorgeous face as he looked up at me, the warmth of his touch, proving he was being truthful. I have memories of him now. They aren’t the ones I’m desperate for, but at least I have something. Thankfully, my Omega didn’t act up and give me anything embarrassing to remember.
She’s been too quiet, though. It’s strange, and I’m not sure what to make of it. I’ve had a lot of time to sit around and think. The one thing that stands out the most is that my Omega has never been afraid of Durin. She didn’t react after my heat. She didn’t react when I found any of the gifts. She didn’t even stir when he stood right in front of me.
She’s not afraid of him. And she’s afraid of everything .
I’ve tried pulling her forward. She was always popping up when I didn’t want her to. Now that I do want her here, she remains buried. I wish there was someone who could tell me how to deal with her. Someone who understands the weird, frustrating parts of my designation.
It suddenly hits me why Omegas are given the waiting period before being mated. I thought they were just trained how to be good slaves. I couldn’t see the value in learning the intricate stuff. I guess I’ll just have to figure it out on my own.
I didn’t notice her absence at first. I haven’t been an Omega long, so it’s not like I knew a part of me had gone missing. Now that I realize it, I’m frustrated. I have a lot of questions for her. She may remember the heat. She could have the missing pieces I’ve been scrambling for.
I want them badly. I drown in my boredom, starting up at the sky and pretending to know what happened. How I touched him. How he touched me. How his fingers felt on my skin. What faces he made. How his body felt inside mine.
But I know nothing. My mind draws a blank, and I’m left pissed off instead of stimulated.
There are bigger answers I need from her, too. Simply knowing if she remembers the heat would tell me a lot. If she does remember and still doesn’t fear him, it would validate this urge I’ve been having to trust him.
You know what, fuck that. I don’t need her input. I’m fully capable of appraising others on my own. I refuse to be afraid of him anymore. If he wanted to hurt me, he would have done it already. And he would never have said he meant me no harm because he cannot lie.
Fate literally forced him into my lap. Who am I to defy fate? Instead of running away this time, I’m ready to fling myself at it. If Durin gives me the chance to, that is.
Deep down, I want to believe that he enjoyed me during my heat. Not just my body. Maybe I was charming and sweet. Or funny and clever. If that’s even possible while mute. But it seems I’ve scared him off. And all I want in this simple life of mine is for him to come back.
“I’m going for more berries,” I call to my mother, who is bathing around the side of the hut.
I tried to be strong, but I can’t resist checking. It almost doesn’t matter anymore if I end up disappointed. The uncertainty is worse than seeing proof he’s forgotten about me.
“You’ve had quite the sweet tooth lately, Rue,” she calls back. “Just bring some roots and we’ll plant one for ourselves inside.”
“Yes, Madda,” I yell, having no intention to. I just need to check to ease the tightness in my chest.
When I look out, the space beneath the bush is still empty. I was right. I found the one decent fae in the realm and pushed him away. Maybe it’s time to give up. After retreating back inside, I wander over to the biggest tree in our enclosure. I flop down on the ground and resting my back against its thick, blue trunk.
“Good morning, dryad,” I mumble. “At least I have a friend.”
I almost choke when I hear a deep voice respond from right outside the thicket. “Friends are overrated. You really only need one.”
My heart leaps at the sound, and I can’t stop the smile that takes over my face. But I don’t want Durin to know how excited I am that he’s here. I clear my throat and try to sound strong while whispering, “Oh yeah? And I suppose you think you deserve the spot?”
I bite my lip and stare at the thicket while I wait for his response. He chuckles, returning the smile to my lips.
“Nah,” he says. “I don’t stand a chance against a dryad.”
Luckily, Mother is on the opposite side of the enclosure, shielded by the hut. I stand and creep up to the hidden break in the thicket. If I’m quick enough, I might catch Durin wearing a grin as goofy as mine. I shove my head through, ready to gloat. But when I find his perfect fae face waiting, barely a breath from mine, I’m the one caught off guard.
A shriek rises in my throat, but his reflexes are quick. He clamps his hand over my mouth, muffling the sound before it can escape. The heat from his fingertips sinks into my cheek, and his thumb rests gently beneath my chin. I shiver as I imagine his touch trailing down the front of my neck, then continuing on to my chest.
“Sorry,” he says, releasing my face and straightening to his full height. He reaches through the thicket for my hand and pulls me right out of my hiding spot. “I just wanted to quiet you in case your mother is sleeping, or...”
“Or what?” I ask, raising my brows at him.
“Or… you were practicing your banshee impressions,” he says, still holding onto my hand.
His lips twitch as he tries to hold back a smile. My mouth falls open at his unexpected humor, and all that comes out is a surprised huff. As I stare at him, trying to think of what to say, my thoughts drift to more familiar territory.
Did he kiss me with those full lips? Did I try to kiss him, only to be denied?
I’ve wondered about that a lot. I don’t know why it matters to me so much. I’ve never been the romantic kind. Arya had that covered for the both of us. The only kiss I can recall was the one with Cirro. It was unrequested, although not entirely unpleasant. But it didn’t give me the chills I get when I imagine Durin kissing me. It didn’t leave me wanting more. The situation was wrong. The kiss wasn’t real. It didn’t count because it wasn’t what I truly wanted.
But if Durin kissed me during my heat… I have a feeling I liked it and wanted more. It could have been my first real kiss that wasn’t forced. Only forgotten.
When I realize I’ve been staring at his lips for too long, I quickly lift my eyes to meet his gaze. My mind goes blank when I see he’s been focused on my own mouth as well. Part of me wants to flee. The other part wants to grab his face and take what I want. The pulls are so opposed that I’m stuck in the middle with no choice but to let him decide.
He lowers his face and pauses to watch me. I can feel his breath on my skin and struggle to find some of my own. He leans a bit closer, bringing our lips a hair away from meeting. His scent wraps around me, urging me to move forward and close the distance.
But before I can do it, he pulls back with a grin and asks, “What’s your name, Omega?”
I’m too taken aback to respond or even know how to react.
“I gave you my name. It’s only fair,” he says, giving me a fake pout.
Oh… he’s teasing me. He’s being silly… having fun with me. Flutterbugs begin dancing in my stomach. I wrinkle my nose, trying to hide my excitement. I feel like a foolish youngling. But I like it. A lot. I like him a lot. I think.
I snicker, unable to hide how ridiculous I feel. He chuckles and pulls me confidently against his chest. I grab his tunic with both hands, steadying myself from the surprise. He curls his other arm around my waist like he owns me and hovers his lips just above mine again. An invitation? Or another trick? I have no idea. I’m so overwhelmed by being this close to him, I’m not sure I could have a rational thought if my life depended on it.
So I go with instinct and lean in to take what I want. But he pulls back again.
“Not so fast Omega,” he says. “You still didn’t tell me your name.”
My mouth drops open at his playful demand, and my name slips out before I can stop it. I curse my Omega for choosing now to reappear. Can’t she just let me have this moment for myself?
A smile lights up his face. He releases me and lowers himself to the ground, patting the space by his side. I miss his warmth as soon as it’s gone, so I settle in beside him. I take a quiet breath, relieved to be out of his direct line of sight. He excites me, but he also makes me nervous.
“Why are you hiding, Rue?” he asks softly.
Thinking of why Mother and I ran sobers me. I tense up and begin twisting my fingers in my lap.
“You don’t have to tell me,” he says, noticing my hesitance. “I feel lucky enough to have your name. But I’d like to know what’s got you and your mother spooked enough to brave the forest alone, if you’re willing to tell me.”
Telling him won’t hurt anything. Fae aren’t concerned with shifter customs. My instincts tell me I’m safe with him, and my Omega is practically begging me to open up to him… in more ways than I should be comfortable with.
He’s just curious. It’s unnatural for two small shifters to live hidden and unguarded so close to the castle. I just hope he doesn’t lose interest in me when he learns what fate had planned. The mystery is exciting, but that may be all I am to him.
I blow out a deep breath and stare at the berry bush. “Our Prime is a good leader in most ways,” I start. “He just has this one practice I disagree with. One that the rest of the Alphas in our pack support him in. The time came when it would affect me personally. So, my mother and I fled.”
I can’t be more specific. The sick feeling of becoming the pack’s Alpha pleaser crawls back over me. A feeling I thought I’d left behind. I don’t want him to see me in that way.
“Does it have something to do with your heats?” he asks gently.
“Something like that,” I say, feeling a little too exposed. I go to change the subject, but when I turn to meet his gaze, he looks pained. I shake my head in confusion and ask, “What’s wrong?”
“I’m sorry,” he whispers. He reaches for my hand but hesitates, eventually deciding against it.
“For what?” I ask, ignoring my disappointment. I didn’t even tell him the worst part of it.
He looks at the ground before answering. “I didn’t know why you were crying out when I found you. It sounded like you were in terrible pain. I wasn’t trying to take advantage of the situation. I swear.”
Oh! My heat. The heat he... helped me through.
“I did think that at first,” I admit, looking away. “But now, you don’t strike me as the type to do that. I’m sure I was desperate. I was probably pushy about you helping me, judging by what I’ve seen from other Omegas.”
I scoot a little closer and slip my fingers between his, intertwining them. It’s bold, but I’m sure it’s nothing compared to what I can’t remember us doing.
“You were so pushy!” he says, making my stomach drop.
“What?” I squeak, pulling my hand away to cover my face.
I can’t believe this. How humiliating.
His laugh rumbles through me, straight to my core. A trickle of slick dampens my undergarment, and I wish the dryad would just fling me to the other side of the forest. Could this possibly be any more mortifying?
But Durin just chuckles and pulls my hands away from my eyes. I reluctantly open them to find him leaned forward, looking back at me with a breathtaking smile. He doesn’t seem to notice the scent of my slick. Thank goodness he’s no Alpha. I think I’d die if he commented on it.
“I’m kidding!” he says.
I stare at him in disbelief. “Kidding?” I ask. “I thought fae couldn’t lie.”
“Kidding is allowed,” he says.
His expression turns serious, and he slides his fingers gently along my jaw. “You were in a lot of pain. It was difficult to watch.”
He lowers his hand and looks away. “I thought you were cursed or poisoned. When I finally understood what you needed, you were…” he looks off into the trees, lost in a memory I’ll never get back. “You were sweet. For all of it. Very sweet.”
I can’t tear my eyes away from his face. He looks so sincere, maybe even a little vulnerable. That’s why he’s so interested in me? Because my behavior touched him? Not the mating itself. Not what our bodies did. Just me?
Now more than ever, I wish I could remember. What was it about me that affected him? Has he never found a fae who made him feel that way before? Fae don’t mate for life, as far as I know. They just kind of mate whenever, with whomever, wherever they happen to be at the time.
Maybe he’s different. Intimacy could mean something more to him. If it does, I hope as he gets to know me better, he doesn’t decide he prefers me mindless and mute.
He gazes back at me and asks, “Can I kiss you, Rue?”
I can feel the longing written all over my face. But I need to know if it’s happened before.
“Did we, uh, during my heat...” I mumble, looking down at my hands. “Did you, or did I—?”
“No,” he breathes, so close that I can almost taste his woodsy scent. “But I wanted to,” he whispers, turning his body to face me completely.
He places his hands on either side of me and nuzzles my cheek. My brain stops processing anything but his scent, his skin, and his heat settling over me like a fluffy blanket.
“Let me kiss you, Rue,” he murmurs, pulling back to search my gaze.
What happened during my heat wasn’t real. But this is. This is very real. I want it. And this time, I’m taking it. I lean in and close the gap between our lips before he can change his mind again.
Whether real or glamoured, his lips are full and soft. He lets out a groan and grasps my hips with his hands, pressing back into the kiss. Instead of hungrily devouring my mouth, he tilts his head and slowly tries out my lips from different angles.
I want to be sweet to him again. To throw my defenses into the forest and wrap myself in his warmth. My Omega sneaks out a whimper, but it doesn’t affect him like it would an Alpha. No growling or posturing. He just weaves his fingers into my hair and kisses me deeper.
I don’t fight the soft tongue that slips past my teeth. I greet it eagerly with my own and just hope I’m doing it right. When he moans, I become more confident. I can feel myself taking over the kiss.
He stops and smiles against my mouth. “See? Pushy…” he says, shaking his head.
“You’re so mean!” I whine, shoving him playfully.
He laughs and pulls me closer. “Shh, your mother...” he whispers, reminding me to keep quiet.
Shit. I totally forgot about her.
“Maybe…” I start, “Maybe next time, if there is... I mean, if you want to come at night when she’s asleep?” I ask, feeling heat spread across my face as I stumble over my words. I’ve never been so flustered by anyone. Words are just too hard right now.
“I’ll come back,” he assures me. “My duties aren’t predictable, so I can’t promise when that will be. But I will come. Don’t give up on me if it’s not right away.”
I nod, understanding, but an uneasy feeling twists my stomach. I don’t know what he does for the queen, but the nobles are known for their brutality. He did say he never wanted to be a noble and was forced into it. But that doesn’t mean he isn’t fulfilling whatever horrid obligations come with the role.
I swallow the worry. I don’t want to know what he does when he’s not with me. Not yet, anyway. I’ll ask at some point, but I deserve to enjoy the ignorance for a while. I’ll focus on today. His kisses and tender touches, the silliness, the smiles. Those moments are mine. I may not remember my heat, but I’m enjoying this new set of memories with him.
He pulls me to my feet and reaches into his tunic. I gasp when he pulls out the beautiful blue washing cloth and presses it into my hand.
“I’ll see you soon, Rue,” he says.
I brush a kiss on his cheek before practically diving back through the thicket. It wouldn’t surprise me to fuck up the goodbye if I stayed any longer. I shove the cloth against my face and inhale as much of him as I can into my lungs, hoping this time, he’s grinning as he walks away.