Chapter 22
Sloane
The blissful, post sex haze doesn’t last long.
I expect to find Jessy upstairs, fast asleep in her bed where Boone left her.
Instead, my path is almost blocked in the hallway by a mound of her toys.
I glance at Boone, frowning. He shakes his head, looking as confused as I am, answering my unspoken question.
The light is on in her room, the door wide open, and when another toy comes flying through the air onto the pile, I know something is wrong. I step over the toys and into Jessy’s room, where I find her digging in the back of her wardrobe, searching for anything dinosaur related.
“Jessy sweetie, it’s late, what are you doing out of bed?” I ask, keeping my voice calm and level.
She doesn’t answer me, ignoring me completely. I try again. “Jessy, why are you throwing your toys outside? It’s not playtime.”
She ignores me still, and a pang of anxiety hits my chest.
“Hey, Jessy, your mommy’s talking to you,” Boone says, stepping closer.
“I don’t care!” she yells, her voice high-pitched, verging on screaming.
I can sense she’s on the verge of a full-blown meltdown, the kind of tantrum she’s not had since she was a toddler. Since Connor left…
A fresh wave of anger at my ex rises; he’s the cause of this.
“Is this because of your daddy?” I ask softly.
“He’s not my daddy!” she screams, throwing a plastic Stegosaurus at my face. It hits me hard enough to leave a small mark.
“Jessy, that’s unacceptable,” Rook chides. “Apologize to your mom.”
“No!” she screams, her face red, clenching her little fists. “You can’t tell me what to do!”
For once, Rook seems powerless, uncertain how to handle a furious six-year-old who doesn’t respect his authority. He almost loses his temper, and I see him make the effort to calm down and remind himself that Jessy is a child who has been through a lot.
“Jessy, that’s enough now,” I say sternly. “I want you to clean up this mess right now!”
She stands breathing heavily, scowling, shoulders heaving. Boone slowly moves to pick up her favorite plushy.
“Come on, I’ll help you,” he offers gently.
“I don’t want them in here! They’re stupid baby toys!” she screams, snatching the toy from his hands and throwing it. It hits Cruz, who’s hovering in the doorway, before soundlessly falling to the floor. “Leave me alone!” she adds, shoving Boone with both hands for good measure.
“Jessy!” I shout, ready to lose it now, feeling confused and hurt that she’s acting out, and helpless to know how to help.
Boone looks equally helpless. He comes over to me, holding my hand in solidarity. Rook stalks off, removing himself. I’m grateful for their help, but having us all try to discipline her isn’t helping. “Maybe you should go too,” I whisper to Boone.
He nods, kissing me on the head. “I’m just in the other room if you need me,” he says before leaving.
I turn, ready to face the onslaught of my child’s tantrum, but Cruz beats me to it.
He crouches down to her level. She ignores him, continuing her dogged pursuit to rid herself of all her many dinosaur toys.
Every time she tries to throw out a toy, he catches it and puts it back without saying a word.
“Stop it,” she tells him.
“No.”
“Yes!” she says, shoving him with both hands.
“Jessy!” I gasp in shock, appalled to see my well-behaved little girl physically lashing out.
“It’s okay,” Cruz says, softly, for her just as much as me. “Jessy’s having a lot of big emotions, and she doesn’t know how to process them, is that right?”
Something breaks through, a glimmer of my little girl. The fight goes out of her, not totally, but enough. She nods, wiping her eyes as tears spring forth. I step forward, wanting to hold her in my arms, but Cruz holds up a hand to stop me, signaling, ‘not yet’.
“I used to feel like that, too. Sometimes I got so angry I felt like I was going to explode. I ended up lashing out at the people I love, too.”
She looks at Cruz closer then, her little face earnest. “What did you do?”
“I learned how to channel it. A way to channel all that anger and fear, and learn how to protect myself.”
At that, her eyes light up, and I realize that this is all stemming from her feeling helpless after the kidnapping. “Can you teach me?” she asks.
Cruz glances at me, and I nod my permission. “Of course I can. Tomorrow. But first thing you gotta do is clean up this mess and apologize to your mommy for hurting her.”
Jessy looks stricken at the thought of hurting me, her eyes dart over to me, and the look of guilt and shame that crosses her face when she sees the red welt on my cheek makes me forgive her instantly. She runs to me, and I drop to my knees, wrapping my arms around her.
“I’m sorry, Mommy!” she sobs into my shoulder.
“It’s okay, sweetie, mommy’s okay,” I soothe, kissing her soft hair. I meet Cruz’s eyes over the top of her head and mouth a silent thank you. When her sobs finally subside, I ask her, “Sweetie, why do you want to get rid of your dinosaurs?”
“Because collecting toys is for babies. I need to grow up and be a big girl now so that everyone can be safe.”
My heart breaks a little more for my baby girl. “No, you don’t, sweetie. It’s my job, and your dads’ jobs to keep us all safe.”
“Collecting toys isn’t for babies either,” Rook says, striding into the room carrying a large cardboard box. He plops it down on the floor in front of us. “Not unless you think I’m a baby?”
Jessy wrinkles her nose at him. “You collect toys?” she says disbelievingly.
Rook nods. “Take a look.” He points at the box.
Jessy shuffles forward, curiosity making her brave enough to leave my arms for a moment. I can’t hold back the slight smirk when I see what she pulls out of the box. Rook has a collection of WWE wrestling memorabilia, mostly figurines, as well as belts, badges, and other items.
“What are they?” Jessy asks, frowning.
Rook takes a beat to absorb the fact that she’s too young to recognize wrestlers before answering. “There’s a kind of sports show on TV with wrestlers. It was really big when I was a kid. These wrestlers were big, strong men, and they would fight bad guys.”
“Like you?” she asks, wide-eyed.
He smiles softly. “A little. But when I was a kid, I was skinny and small, the shortest in my class. I got picked on a lot by the bigger kids. I used to watch wrestling and collect memorabilia, hoping that one day I’d grow up to be big and strong enough to beat the bad guys.
My dad left when I was young, and my mom wasn’t able to be around as much as yours, so I felt all alone.
Wrestling made me feel a little bit less alone. ”
I’m surprised to hear that about Rook. I can’t imagine him being a small, lonely, bullied kid. It explains a lot about why he holds on to control so tightly now, why he’s so set on being brave and macho. The big, strong man.
“Why did you keep them once you growed up?” Jessy asks.
“Because they remind me that I don’t need to feel that way anymore, and because I like them, even if I’m a little bit too old. Why did you collect your dinosaurs?”
Jessy doesn’t take long to consider this. “Because they’re cool, and they’re strong, even the biggest, baddest men couldn’t beat a dinosaur. But they’re all gone, and these ones are just toys. They can’t help me,” she adds, shoulders slumped.
“You’re right, they are just toys, but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy them. And as for keeping you safe, that’s what Cruz, Boone, and I, your mom, are for.”
“You’re meant to look after mom, too,” Jessy says.
Rook nods. “That’s right, and we will. But your mom also looks after us all, too.
She might not be physically big and strong, but she’s strong in different ways.
She’s going to beat the bad guys using her brain.
Just like how the Velociraptor wasn’t the biggest dinosaur, but it was still super deadly because it was so smart. ”
Jessy smiles, a big, genuine smile. She throws her arms around Rook and hugs him, the first proper one she’s ever given him. “Thank you, Daddy Rook.”
He looks surprised but happy, hugging her back. She rushes over to hug Cruz, thanking him and making him promise to teach her tomorrow. “Only if you tidy up now,” he tells her.
“I will, but I need to go and apologize to Boone first.”
She rushes to Boone’s room, and I follow behind.
Before I can reach her, she bursts in without knocking.
“Daddy Boone, I’m sorry I was mean and told you to go away,” she says, the words tumbling out in a rush.
He’s sitting on the floor in the middle of the room, cross-legged, eyes closed.
Soothing sounds of birds and running water play from the speakers.
She runs at him, throwing her arms around his neck, disturbing the peace.
He opens his eyes slowly and smiles softly at her, hugging her back. “That’s okay, kiddo.” I understand that big emotions can get overwhelming sometimes. Especially when we’re confused or scared.”
“You probably never get scared,” she says.
He shakes his head. “I get scared all the time. Angry too. I’ve just learned how to calm down and make myself feel better.”
“Like Cruz?”
He chuckles slightly. “Not in the same way as Cruz, no.”
She scrunches her nose, realizing only now that he’s sitting cross-legged on the floor in semi-darkness. “What are you doing on the floor?”
“I’m meditating, it’s how I stay calm. Want to try? Mom can too,” he adds, winking at me.
Jessy beams and nods, so I reluctantly sit down too.
“Alright, first you need to find a comfortable seat, and then close your eyes and try to empty your mind. If a thought comes to you, that’s okay, but then let it breeze past you like the wind.
Just focus on breathing in and out, slowly and steadily.
” Boone continues to talk us through a mini meditation session, and I’m surprised to find that it actually does help a little to calm me down.
Jessy starts to fidget, so Boone tells us to open our eyes. “I think that’s enough for today. Better?” he asks her.
She nods, uncertain. “A little. I still thought stuff, though, it’s hard not to.”
“It gets easier with practice.” He assures her with a smile.
“Can you teach Mommy and me some more?”
“I’d be happy to.”
Cruz’s voice from the doorway startles us. “Only if Mom joins my self-defense lessons too,” he says with a grin.
Jessy seizes on the idea, and I have no choice but to agree.
Her tantrum now completely forgotten, Jessy goes to clean up her mess, refusing any help in a very grown-up fashion. “It’s my mess.”
Rook appears, and I look at my men, feeling absurdly grateful. “How did I get so lucky to find three wonderful men and amazing fathers for Jessy?”
They surround me, pulling me close. “We’re the lucky ones,” Rook says.
We put Jessy to bed together, reading her a dinosaur story, each doing a different voice for the characters. She clutches her plushie close, still needing it for now. I know there’s a day that will come when she will outgrow them for real, but I’m glad that today is not that day.
We need all of the comfort and hope we can get right now.