Chapter 22
Chapter
Twenty-Two
ENFIELD
I don’t have any idea what possessed me to kiss Xavi last night. It wasn’t a particularly long kiss, but there was something behind it. There’s no convincing me it was just a kiss.
Greeting Amelia or Sarah with a kiss to their cheek is just a kiss. Kissing my sons or daughters to show them paternal affection is just a kiss. Pecking my cousins on the cheek or nose or foreheads is just a kiss.
Nothing about kissing Xavi last night was just. Just an experiment. Just to see what happened. Just to know what it was like to kiss a guy. Just because.
The only thing it ‘just’ did was keep me up all night. I stared at the ceiling for hours after I climbed into bed. Remembering. Feeling the phantom touch of his lips on mine. Tasting his shock. Tasting his flavor. Wanting a longer kiss, but the sudden upheaval inside me was too loud.
So I said goodnight and went to my room. Got ready for bed. Climbed under the blankets in the dark and stared at nothing. I slept on and off, but every time I closed my eyes, I felt his lips on mine. Every time I slept, I dreamed of kissing him again. Longer. Holding him against me.
The LED clock beside the bed keeps ticking away. It’s past ten in the morning now, and I’m lying right where I was when I climbed into bed last night. I’m not avoiding him. Not really. I’m freaking tired. I’m not ready to get out of bed yet. I keep hoping I’ll be able to fall asleep again.
As time keeps moving forward, I decide I am avoiding Xavi, and that’s just going to make him feel bad. I’ve done enough of that. With a heavy sigh, I push myself out of bed and wander into the shower. Maybe the hot water will wake me up. Or make me so relaxed that I fall asleep without dreaming.
So I liked kissing a guy. There’s a chance that I was just tired last night and it’s a one-time thing. I might not like it a second time. I’m not even sure there should be a second time. Kissing Xavi was the natural graduation from holding his hand all day.
And that was because I fucked up with a guy who really wanted his fairy-tale happily ever after. It’s not like I chose him out of a lineup and concocted this plan with him in mind. Still, I felt bad. I still feel bad. This isn’t fair to him.
I’ve enjoyed his company over the last week. He’s a good guy. Kind. Now that he’s relaxing around me a little and I’m getting to know him, I get peeks of his personality. I can see that he’s definitely someone I’d be friends with under different circumstances.
I dry off as I consider this and find myself laughing. I haven’t made a friend since Nash. That was what… four years ago? Almost. I haven’t maintained any friendships prior to him either. Not from high school. Not from college.
I’ve been angry for a long time, and that isn’t conducive to making friends.
The kitchen is empty when I make my way there. The aroma of breakfast barely lingers in the air, but all that’s left on the counter is a bowl and a box of cereal. No doubt that was Sparrow.
However, cereal is just fine this morning. Just not this one. Bran flakes. Ew. Grabbing the box, I head for the pantry and replace it on the shelf. Does Xavi actually like this stuff? The box is open. Okay, I’m not judging.
I choose popped corn-nuggets and enjoy my cereal. I’m going to need to find Xavi after this, though, and apologize. Not for the kiss. I’m not sorry I kissed him. I’m not sure it’s going to happen again… though, as that thought lingers, I recognize that I want to kiss him again.
Great. Let’s just complicate this more, shall we? Why not?
Cereal isn’t a meal you can take your time with. It gets soggy within a short window, so I finish far sooner than I’m ready to face Xavi, but I’m not a coward, so I wash my bowl and begin wandering the halls.
Perhaps I’m saved by a phone call, or maybe I’m just being ridiculous for any excuse to put off talking to Xavi. My phone says it’s Amelia, so I step into the room to my right and take the call.
“Hey.”
“Hey,” she greets.
“Everything okay?”
“Yes. Boys are playing with clay dough.”
I smile. “Cool. What’s up?”
Her hesitation tells me that there is indeed a reason for her call. Amelia sighs. “I tried to call Courtney to see when she wanted me to drop off Ronan this afternoon, and she hasn’t answered for the past hour.”
Frowning, I look at my watch. It’s eleven. I should have just eaten lunch.
“Huh. Did she mention needing to go somewhere today when you picked him up?”
“Nope.” I hear her frustration in that one word.
She’s not upset that she has Ronan at all. I know that. She wouldn’t even care if Courtney needed to change the drop-off time or location. It’s the lack of communication that Amelia hates.
“Let me see if I can get in touch with her,” I say.
“Thanks. Sarah is bringing Thea over so the boys can have lunch with her. I’d planned to drop Ronan off after. If it’s closer to dinnertime, that’s fine. I just need to know.”
“Understand. I’m sorry.”
“Not your fault.”
This particular situation isn’t. I can at least agree with that. “I’ll give you a call back.”
Once we’re off the phone, I dial Courtney. Right to voicemail. I call three more times, and finally she answers. Which means she’d been rejecting my call.
“I’m sorry,” she says as soon as she answers. “I can’t do this. I’ve tried, Enfield. I’ve really tried. I hate being a mother. I hate having to be responsible for someone else. I hate that I can’t do what I want and go where I want because I always have someone else to think of. It’s not fair.”
“Whoa. Slow down, Court.”
She takes a breath. “I’m sorry. I… can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to keep doing this.”
“Courtney, I can’t get back there for another two weeks.”
She starts crying. I wince and listen to her continuing to tell me she can’t do this. I have no idea what she’s saying until I do.
“You left,” I guess.
“Yes. I had some friends come over and help me pack and empty the apartment as soon as Amelia picked up Ronan. All his things are packed and in the entryway if you want to get them. The apartment is paid through the end of the month. The key is on top of the door frame; just leave it on the counter with the other when you’re finished. I’m sorry.”
“You left your son with a woman you don’t know?” I ask, incredulous.
“Don’t be dumb. You had a kid with her. Clearly, you trust her.”
“But you didn’t.”
“I didn’t want to be a parent at all!” she yells.
“You promised it would be short term. You’d get your shit together and take him.
It’s been almost five years, Enfield. You promised me that this wasn’t going to be my life when you begged me to keep the pregnancy.
You promised, and now it’s five years later! ”
“Okay, okay. You’re right.” I nearly try convincing her to take him for just a couple more weeks until I can get back down there. But I don’t. I’m not sure what I’m going to do, but I can’t convince her to take Ronan again. That’s not good for either of them. “I guess… have a good life?”
Courtney sighs. Sniffles. “You too.”
That’s it. No mention of Ronan. Nothing. Courtney hangs up, and I stare out the window. What the fuck am I supposed to do now?
Somewhat numbly, I call Amelia back. “You find her?” she asks when she answers.
“That depends on how you’re going to define ‘find.’ She left. As soon as you drove away with Ronan, her friends came over and packed the entire apartment. I have no idea where she is right now, but she’s not there, and she’s not coming back.”
A beat of silence. The noise in the background changes. I hear a door close, and then she hisses, “What the fuck?”
“Yeah, I know. I’m sorry. I’ll…” I’ll what? Go get him? Bring him here? Fuck.
“I didn’t know this was the situation when I called. I wouldn’t have called you about this. You’re clearly dealing with something since you had a split lip not long ago.”
I laugh, but it’s not quite genuine. Fuck!
“I’ll keep him here until you get back.”
“Amelia, you don’t have to.”
“What are you going to do, Enfield? You made it clear that you needed this month away to get your affairs in order, then you’d be back. Are you telling me you can come back now?”
“No. Not ideally. That could fuck some shit up,” I admit. I can’t do anything to break the contract. That’ll give my parents grounds to revoke my claims. “I can’t.”
“Then he’ll stay here. He’s a good kid. It’s no problem.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Does he have things to get?”
“I—yes. I’m not sure he should see the apartment empty. I don’t know what to tell him about his mother leaving without saying goodbye. Who does that?”
“Someone who didn’t want to be a mother to begin with,” she says quietly. “I think you knew this was coming, Enfield. It just happened at a very inconvenient time for you.”
“Now I’m inconveniencing you. I’m so sorry, Amelia.”
“I can see if I can round someone up to grab his things. Where should they take them?”
Good fucking question. The house in Napa Valley isn’t mine yet, which means my parents have free rein to come and go as they please. It means they could throw it all out.
“I’ll call you back. Let me see if I can find someone to grab them and keep them until I get back.”
“Okay.”
I end the call and close my eyes.
“You okay?”
I jerk at Xavi’s voice. He’s standing in the doorway, looking unsure. “Yeah,” I lie.
He nods. There’s no believing me. I wouldn’t believe me. I didn’t even try to sound genuine. Besides, I don’t know how much of my phone call he heard.
“Do you need anything?” he asks after a minute of weird silence passes between us.
“No, thanks.”
Xavi bows his head a little, and I feel the wall building between us again. His quiet “Okay” makes me wince. He takes a step back, and I don’t know what possesses me again, but I stop him. I’m not even sure how I cross the room so quickly to be able to take his hand before he leaves the room.
“I’m sorry. For several things, but for this right now. I’m dealing with some shit, and I don’t want to burden you with it. That’s all.”
“Are you sure I can’t help?”
I stare into his face. His sweet, beautiful face with those pretty green-gray eyes. He has such innocent features. They make him look incredibly young. Sweet. I touch my thumb to his chin.
“I don’t think so,” I answer. “Courtney abandoned Ronan at Amelia’s. Packed up, picked up, and took off.”
His eyes widen. “What? Why?”
“Because she didn’t want to be a parent to begin with, and I promised I’d get my shit together soon and take him, so she could go live her life again. Soon turned into far longer than she could stand, so as soon as Amelia picked him up for a sleepover, she ran.”
“I—wow. I don’t know what to say. Do you need to go?”
“I can’t go, Xavi. We need to get this taken care of first. If I leave, our case is gone because I’ve broken the contract.”
“What if we go together? We can call it a… oh, a tour of our new house.”
“Please, please don’t take offense at this, but I don’t want you around Ronan. This isn’t me just transporting him somewhere else. There’s nowhere else to bring him right now but to keep him with me. I can’t bring him back here, Xavi. This isn’t the environment for him.”
He chews his lip. I’m relieved that he wasn’t hurt by that. I’m done hurting him. “Then… what will you do?”
“Right now, I’m going to call in a favor—another favor—to my lawyer friend and plot a way to spoil the fuck out of Amelia in thanks for keeping him until I can get back down there.”
“You have a lawyer friend?” Xavi asks.
I chuckle and pull Nash’s number up from my recent calls. My eyes remained locked on Xavi’s as I make the call. He’s in my space. In my personal bubble. I’d pulled him that close without realizing it, but I like his body heat brushing against me. I like him being this close.
“She show up again?” Nash asks as he answers.
“No, Nash. Courtney abandoned Ronan with Amelia and took off.”
A beat passes. “Okay, I didn’t see that coming.”
“I should have, but yeah. I need a favor.”
“That’s the only time you ever call,” he says, sighing. “What do you need?”
“Temporary custody paperwork for Amelia so she can bring him to the hospital or whatever if need be. I also need someone to pick up his things that Courtney packed up and left inside the entryway and store them for a short time.”
“Just a few little things,” he muses. “Anything else?”
“Full custody paperwork in the works for me upon my return.”
“Already on the list. Anything else?”
“Yes. Nash?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you.”
He chuckles. “You’re welcome. You okay?”
I’m still staring at Xavi. Unable to look away. Staring into his beautiful eyes. It feels like his gaze touches my soul.
“Yeah, Nash. I’m good.”
“All right. I’ll be in touch.”
“Thanks.”
He ends the call, and I let my hand drop with the phone. I need to call Amelia back. Instead, I close the distance between Xavi and me, bringing his body flush against mine. His breath catches. For the second time, something comes over me, and I kiss him again.
This time is much like the last, though with the last, I didn’t quite have words to describe it.
All I knew was it wasn’t just a kiss. This time, I know a little more.
It’s consuming, like a fire that starts with warm coals.
The warmth intensifies as the fire catches hold and attaches to anything flammable.
It tears down even the biggest walls until there’s nothing left but to start new.