Control (Aurora Book 1)

Chapter 12 - Rise

I TELEPORTED INTOMustafa’s massive club without too many people seeing me at first. As I stepped away from the spawn point more and more noticed my sudden presence, my feet instinctively leading me toward the back of the club where I knew he usually hung out. I had assumed that Cris and Reyna and possibly the others would be there with him since the trolls were still possibly running around and causing havoc elsewhere.

Mustafa spotted me from across the room and quickly moved toward me, some of his crew walking over with him. As he got closer, I heard a voice from the other side of the club. It was Cris, and Reyna was by her side. Both of them quickly headed to me with concern in their eyes. Reyna was especially worried since she’d been emergency teleported over to Mustafa’s and I was taken elsewhere to have my talk with the game’s creator. With all three of them surrounding me and virtually everyone in the club, potential over 400 people all around us and in various areas of the room looking on, we all shared hugs and a few words of concern.

“Ana!” Reyna said to me as she got close. “Jesus Christ! Where were you? Did you get away in time? What happened? I was there in the room and then suddenly I was here with everyone.”

“You were unsearchable!” Cris added as she stood by Reyna and Mustafa. “It was as if you were completely off the game, yet we could still see you were online. Your location was listed as ‘loc error.’ I’ve never seen that before!”

“Damn woman!” Mustafa said in his thick and reassuring voice. “Where they hell were you? We were all worried to hell! What happened with you?”

“Reyna told us about that guy,” Cris said. “How did he end up in her room? Did you have to deal with him? Are you alright?”

“Ana,” Reyna said, stepping even closer to me. “What happened?” I put my hands up and tried my best to calm them all down. I let them know I was alright and that I’d managed to get away from Four Buttons without being harmed. Each of them offered me a few kind words as I looked around the club and noticed that word was spreading around Aurora that three council members were all in the same room so more people continued to file in. Within minutes, the crowd sized appeared to have doubled. Along with that, Caster and Spinner had both made their way over to the room to check up on me, Reyna, and Cris, having heard about our misadventure.

I took a moment to look the 5 of them over, letting those few seconds in time slowly form into a more permanent memory. I knew it would be the last time I would see all of them as a council member as I wanted to relief myself of something I knew I never deserved. I watched them all talk with each other and I smiled as Reyna seemed to mix in perfectly with them all. It was as if she belonged with them. They didn’t care about her past nor did she care about theirs. All that mattered is that they were people, trying their best to get through their lives, both real and in game. All of them, as a team, could work well together. I knew in that moment, with the five of them standing around me, what I needed to do. It was not a decision I took lightly, but I knew it was what had to be done. I needed to bow out. I wasn’t strong enough to lead the way they did. I never was and never could give as much of myself as I felt they all did. All of them were better than I was, although they’d never say such a thing to me.

Reyna, for her part, looked completely comfortable around them. She’d always been a social woman and I knew she liked talking to others. I watched her talked back and forth with Cris and Giff as if she’d known them for years. It was striking to me to see her take to them so quickly. She and Mustafa were like two peas in a pod, their silly and humorous banter a joy to listen to. She even took time to listen to Caster and one of his many professor-like diatribes about trolls and their supposed role in the grand order of things within the game.

I watched her for what felt like hours, but was really only few minutes. Her smile beamed across the room and I could tell others were taking notice of her. It was something I’d realized before, but only with smaller groups. Thinking back to the times she and I and a few of our other friends would go out to clubs to either dance or just hangout and talk, she was always at the forefront of our group conversations. She had that knack for winning people over and making them all feel comfortable around us. Even the times new players would see me and want to join in our group, Reyna was always welcoming and warm to them, making them feel like they belonged. I always knew there was something about her. I’d felt it almost immediately the day we first met. She had something that not many other possessed. It was a quality I had always yearned for in others but rarely found.

I used to think that maybe I was being to hard on others. Maybe my standards were too high and I felt that since I gave so much of myself that others should do the same with me. Was I wrong for wanting that? Was I wrong for asking for others to show sympathy and compassion, even to those they didn’t know? So often people are ridiculed or purposely overlooked by others for no other reason than they didn’t fit into a box that the ‘In’ crowd had created. Reyna and I were not outcasts, but we were far from the norm and we both knew it. Maybe that was why we bonded so quickly. Maybe our ability to withhold judgment was what made us click. Maybe that was the reason…I fell in love with her. And maybe that was the reason I did what I did in Mustafa’s club that night.

A joke I often tell people that ask is that I am 95% straight. While I offer that humorously, I always felt it were true. I have always been much more attracted to men than women. In real life, I had been with a woman when I was younger. However, in that experience, there was also a man so it wasn’t just the two of us. In a way, I think having that man there was what gave me the courage to even let myself see another girl as something more than just a friend. I remember kissing that woman, a friend of mine that had asked me to join her and her boyfriend for a night of lustful experimentation. It was a good experience and I remember it fondly. She and I kissed and made love to each other all while her boyfriend watched, and eventually he joined in.

After the night was over and I went home, I didn’t feel how I thought I would feel about the experience. I smiled and listened to my favorite music as I drove back to my little apartment that I shared with a roommate back in San Antonio. I remember stepping out of my shower and thinking about how it all went down. I remember lying in bed and looking up at my ceiling and thinking to myself “maybe I could be with a woman. Maybe….” I knew if I were to ever end up in that situation, that woman would have to be almost perfect for me. She had to be someone I could seem myself with long term, possibly for life. I thought to myself that it would be alright if I were as picky with women as I was with men. I’d never had a problem attracting guys and I always had choices. With women though, it was different. I’d never really given the idea a thought and after I got married, it never came back to me. That was until….

Hey,” I said to Reyna after several minutes of them talking. She looked over to me and smiled, relieved that I was alright and apparently unharmed by our unfortunate run in with the trolls. “I need to talk to you. There’s something I need to tell you.”

“What’s that?” she asked. I took her by the hands and pulled her away from the others. I led her further into the room and onto the dance floor which was centrally located in the club. As we walked, dozens of eyes were on us and more started watching as I led her. I wanted to make this something special for her and not just a random occurrence. I wanted it to be grand and something that others would be able to see and remember. Once we were in the center of the dance floor, others respectfully gave us a little extra room and backed away.

“Reyna,” I said, making sure I turned the music down in my HUD. I pointed to my ear to make sure she was doing the same. I took a couple of deep breaths and looked to the dance floor for moment, trying to build up the courage I needed to get out all I wanted to say to her. After a few seconds of trying to figure out the best way to say it, I took the most direct approach I could. I looked into her eyes, took her face into my hands and said it. “I’m in love with you.”

Her eyes grew and her expression turned from contentment to astonishment. I could tell I had caught her off guard. It wasn’t my intention to do this. I’d only spilled my guts in so few words to make it easier on both of us and to keep myself from going on some rant that would eventually end up being nothing more than a tossed salad of words that made little to no sense.

“I love you,” I said, her face telling me she was still processing what I’d just told her. “I love you and…I…I never stopped thinking about you.” I could feel my eyes beginning to blink more and more, my nerves hitting me like a truck and causing me to get an unintentional rush of adrenaline. “We all evolve over time. We…become something else. Our…experiences change us without us even knowing it. I watched you change…and I know you changed me. You’ve become something more and I…I want you to know just how much you mean to me.”

“Ana,” Reyna said in a lower tone, her voice quiet and rattled as if she were unsure if what she was experiencing was real. I pulled her to me and wrapped my arms around her, wanting nothing more than to feel her body against mine. I felt her arms come around me which sent me into shivers. Her fingernails pressed into my skin and I could feel her body temperature rising. Her heart pounded in her chest as did mine.

“I watched you change,” I said, tears beginning to well in my eyes. “You’ve become so much more. You’re my heart, my reason for existing. You’re my rock, my best friend…and the one I’d give everything up for. Everything….” With that I pulled back from her, lightly pushing her away from me much to her dismay. I could feel her wanting to pull me back but I resisted her. I looked her over one more time, the emotion running up and down every inch of her face. “You deserve this.”

I lifted my fingers up to her forehead and lightly touched her, the warmth of her skin penetrating my fingertips. I pressed my fingers into her and said a single word: Butterfly. I dropped my fingers from her forehead and took several steps back, knowing what was coming. Reyna stared at me for a few seconds unsure of what I was doing, and I stared right back. I felt the eyes of the entire room look to the two of us. No one knew whats as coming except me. All of the time I’d had as a title holder was about to end. I’d made my decision and knew it was the right thing. I gave it to her willingly. I knew she deserved it far more than I did. She was, without even trying, once of the most wonderful people I’d ever met in my life. She saved me that day when I unexpectedly went down that spiral. She stayed with me as I sobbed and fell apart. She kept me close to her during all our encounters and always made sure I was comfortable, taken care of. Safe. No matter how wild or insane or sleeping lives were, I always felt as if I had someone I could put all my trust into. She was the one I’d been longing for all my life. Without trying, she drew me in and made me realize I could be the best version of myself every single day.

I watched her as the lights in the room went out with the exception of a single spot light that shined down on her from above. As it slowly dimmed, her nameplate began to spark and grow brighter, the letters slowly becoming the brightest thing in the room. A light electrical hum filled the air and slowly but surely, a small but growing set of butterfly wings sprouted behind her. She looked up and watched her own nameplate grow brighter and lifted her hands to her face as the glow hit her. Eventually her wings grew so large that more and more people on the dance floor began to back away. With a strong and steady gust of wind, her wings drew outward as if ready to take flight. They flung back inward which produced another physical gust of air that blew my hair back and could be felt throughout the club. Everyone in the room began to gasp as they realized what was happening. Reyna was becoming more than she could have imagined. She was evolving.

Her nameplate began to shift back and forth between a bright white and a golden yellow, matching her two favorite colors that she almost always wore. It grew larger and more sparks began to outline what she would then become know as: The Butterfly. Her wings once more thrust back and then forward, creating another gust. With a burst of white light, I watched the energy overtake her, her eyes locking with mine as if she realized what was happening to her.

She fell to the ground as the lights on her nameplate settled, the sparks finally subsiding. There for everyone to see was her new nameplate and title. The room stood silent as they watched her on the floor, a faint white glow emanating from her dark brown skin. I stood there motionless, not wanting to draw attention to myself so she could have her moment. I watched her carefully lift herself from the floor, her legs a wobbly, but growing steadier with her attempt to stand. I felt the other council members step behind me and watched as Reyna evolved into one of them. She lifted her head and opened her eyes, looking directly at me, her metamorphosis complete.

We stared at each other for a silent moment. I could feel everyone taking in her visage and the voices of those around us began to grow as the news of a new title holder being crowned was quickly spreading. Cris, Giff, Mustafa, and even Caster all rushed past me to be by her side, congratulating her. Still, Reyna stared at me, her face stoic and unflinching. More and more people approached her and yelled out words of congratulations, encouragement, and praise. The lights had not come back on.

Mere moments after her transformation was complete, I could feel myself growing tired, weaker. I looked down at my hands and watched them lightly shake in front of me. I looked back up to Reyna as she stepped to me but then stopped short. She looked up to my nameplate as it began to flicker. Slowly, the color from my name began to fade until it turn back into the basic, default white, the red, blue, and purple draining out of it completely. The font size began to shrink and the words below my name, The Lotus, began to fade away until they were no longer there. As Thaddeus had told me, my title was now gone, me having just willingly given it up to someone I felt deserved it far more than I did.

“No,” Reyna said in a quiet voice as she realized what was happening. She stepped closer to me and I put my hand up, asking her not to come any closer. The other council members looked back to me and saw that my title was gone from my nameplate and gasped. I continued to stare at Reyna, my eyes still filled with tears. My time as a council member, as title holder, as “The Queen,” was over. Lethargy and an overall feeling of weakness took hold of me, but I managed to keep myself upright. The others stared at me for a moment and then over to Reyna, all of them quickly figuring out what I had done. I’d done what was simply not thought possible. I’d passed on my title to someone else without regret. Reyna, I knew, would do a better job than I ever could. “Ana…why!”

I smiled through my tears, a mix of happiness, love, and heartbreak all coming out of me at the same time. I fought to catch my breath and many other eyes that had been trained on Reyna suddenly turned to me. A collective gasp filled the room as they too then realized what I had done. I’m glad they did. I wanted everyone to know that I gave it all up so that it could go to someone far more worthy. Someone that could make a real difference.

“Why!” Reyna cried out from a few feet in front of me. “Ana, why did you do that! How! Why!” She began to cry angry tears, perhaps feeling that I did it simply because I was in love with her. I knew she would react this way. Her emotions were raw and the energy she felt pulsing through her body was possibly too much for her in the moment. I watched her ball her hands into fists and pound them on her legs in disbelief. She and everyone else in the room was so enthralled with what was playing out that they didn’t see Ronnie and a few of his cronies quietly slip into the room. He’d obviously been watching the streams of the occurrence as word in Aurora often spreads quickly. No one else saw him step closer to me, but I knew he was there. I knew he was getting exactly what he wanted. He wanted to see me crumble into nothing. He wanted to see me fall. Without turning my head, I spoke to him.

“Are you happy now?” I said in a low, quiet voice while still looking at Reyna. I then snapped my head over to my right and looked Ronnie dead in the eyes, my face still flushed and wet with emotion. “Did you finally get what you want?” I could feel the eyes of everyone in the room turn and look to Ronnie, his eyes “smiling” in their own sadistic and “alpha male” way. “This is what you wanted…right? To see me fall? This is what you and Four Buttons and the others all wanted?”

“You have no idea,” Ronnie said to me in that cruel and abusive way male spouses make their passive aggressive statements to their wives. A way I am all too familiar with.

“Well,” I said, not caring about the way he was speaking to me. “Here I am. Just plain ol’ Ana. No more Queen. No more Council member…no more Lotus.”

“As you should be,” he said which caused Mustafa to start toward him. I turned to Mustafa and put my hand up, asking him to stop and he did. I knew if I didn’t, Mustafa would have potentially caused him very serious harm and I didn’t want him to get into any trouble over me. “And soon, no more anonymity.” I tilted my head and turned back to Ronnie. I looked into him, his prideful arrogance on display for all to see. He’d been wanting to see this sort of thing happen to me and he was getting it.

“You want more?” I said to him, knowing he didn’t want to just see me fall. He wanted to humiliate me to the point of utter despair. I felt myself take a step toward him. Although I was surrounded on all sides by people, more still pouring into the room by the second, I felt as if it were just me and him. It was a moment I knew would eventually happen between us, given his incessant trolling of me and the others, but I didn’t know it would be that night. I could tell Ronnie had stopped caring about the fact that he was definitely not on his home turf. Still, more of his trollish friends carefully filed into the room and walked over to him, each of them smiling in their own prideful way.

“You can’t hide anymore,” Ronnie said to me. “We all know you’re just some fucking loser, probably still living with your mom.” The irony of his statement wasn’t lost on me.

“Yeah,” I said while still staring daggers at him. I turned to sarcasm because at that point, I had stopped caring. “I guess you really got me there. Maybe I should go wake mommy up and tell her the bad man is making fun of me. You think that will make this all better? You think I should just out myself right now? That way you won’t even have to wait for the data encryption to be cracked.”

“Like you’d fucking do that,” he said to me. “You’ve always been a coward, hiding behind your whore avatar.” I took another step toward him, my mind directing my HUD to produce a standard internet browser window. I slid it to the side for the moment. “Not for long though.” I mockingly nodded my head at him, having already made up my mind on what I was about to do.

“Well then,” I said, closing my eyes for a moment and taking in a very deep breath. “Let me surprise you!” With those words, I turned around and reset my focus on the internet browser in my HUD. With a few more commands, I began broadcasting my HUD display to the entire room, letting it float in the air above me, setting it to auto rotate so everyone could see it as clear as day. “You really want to know who I am? Do you? Fine.”

Using my thoughts, I had the browser go to one of the most popular social media sites in the world - Facebook.com - and brought up the login page and said “I guess if I’m gonna be exposed, I might as well just come clean.” I felt my voice began to shake as I laced it with anger and rich sarcasm. Through my bitter tears, I forced my mind to type in my login information as well as my password which was still hidden by asterisks. I could hear the crowd in the rooms begin to talk, some of them yelling, asking me not to do what they realized I was about to.

“Ana!” Cris and Reyna both yelled out. I ignored their pleas and stayed focused on what I was doing. There was no way to stop me then, short of forcing me to log out. Knowing this, I half expected Thaddeus to step in and stop me, but he didn’t. I clicked enter and the website logged me in. In a couple of seconds, my real life personal profile page loaded up. I clicked on the About Me link and loaded the page. On the screen, all of my personal information that I had given to Facebook came up which included my name, current city and state, and previous places of employment.

“There!” I yelled to Ronnie while looking back at him. He stared at the display with his mouth open, apparently shocked that I’d actually done it. I had exposed myself not only to him or the nearly thousand people now in the room, but also to anyone else who was watching the game stream live online. “Are you happy now? That’s me! That’s my real name. Liliana Escarra. Born in November of 1987.” I turned my head back around to the massive browser window displaying my personal information and continued. “Oh! Right! You wanted to know what I looked like, too. Well then! Let’s see that also!” I brought up my photo page where I’d kept a few hundred photos that I’d taken and posted over the many years I had on the site which included pictures of me, my family, and a few friends.

“Ana stop!” Reyna yelled.

“No!” I shot back to her. “No! He really wants to know? Then he gets to know because I owe him that, right?” I turned back to Ronnie. “Right, Ronnie? Apparently I owe this to you for some fucking reason!” I clicked on some of my older pictures and brought them up so they were displayed much more clearly for everyone to see. “There Ronnie. See this picture? That’s me when I was 13. I was outside and my mom wanted to get a picture of me and my friends and this is what she got. See how small I am? You see that? Yeah! I’m short! And I haven’t grown much since then.”

I moved on to the next photo as more people piled into the room, space quickly becoming a issue. Mustafa noticed the mounting problem and cut off new entries. The entire crowd stood silent as I had my very public and possibly psychotic break from reality right there in the middle of the dance floor.

“And here’s me when I was 16,” I said, still facing the browser window but very much speaking to Ronnie. “I’m in my tennis outfit. You can see my racket there on the bench behind me.” I turned back to Ronnie again. “I played all 4 years in high school, Ronnie! Did you wanna know that because now you do! And I was good! I was small, but I ran my ass off! This is the kind of stuff you wanted to see, right?” I clicked on yet another photo and several more after that. “And here’s me in my senior portrait! I got my hair done up all nice and pretty. Worked hard on my makeup!” I looked back at the screen and then back at Ronnie. “You notice something Ronnie? I know you do! Look at my face! The girl you see in that picture? That’s me! This is how I look! I look the same here as I do in real life.”

I pointed my finger at my face, making sure Ronnie knew I had never lied about how I looked. At this point, he’d closed his mouth and was alternating between looking at the browser window and looking at me.

“I know!” I said, turning back to the screen again. “You. Want. More. Well, let’s keep going! How about…my adult years!” I selected another image of me and several other women from the time I spent dancing at a local club in my home town in Texas. “See me there? Yeah, that’s me when I was 21. I was a dancer.” I glared back at Ronnie. “Yep! A real life fucking stripper! How is that for you? Is that good enough for you? Are you getting all that sweet fucking info on me that you wanted? Am I still bullshit to you and your friends?” I brought up the next photo. “And here’s me about a year later when I stopped dancing and moved to Austin. See that guy with me? That’s my ex husband! I married him about 2 years after we took this picture. We’d just moved in together and life was supposed to be amazing, but you know life!”

Each word I let loose was dripping with disgust, anger, and sarcasm. I wanted Ronnie to know that he’d picked the wrong person to accuse of being disingenuous. I wanted to hit him with everything about my life at that point. I didn’t care so I moved right on to the next photo in my Facebook gallery.

“See this one here?” I said, pointing out my facial expression. “Look at me in this one, Ronnie. Look at my face. You see it? You see my eyes? Kind of sad, aren’t they. You wanna know why? Because this was taken a few weeks after my ex beat the shit out of me and raped me in my own fucking home!” I felt a tinge of pain as those words fell out of my mouth. “My own husband…stuck a fucking gun in my face and threatened to end my life! That…motherfucker forced me into the shower where he made me bathe in scalding hot water to wash of the stench of those ‘other men’ that I used to entertain when I was a dancer!”

I felt more tears rush to my eyes as I spoke. I could see more and more people around Ronnie begin to cover their mouths, their eyes widening as they realized what I had just admitted to in front of everyone. Only a select number of people in Aurora were aware of what had happened between me and my ex husband, Reyna and Cris being two of them. Even Giff and Mustafa had no clue as I didn’t like talking about it. In the times I’d spent in Aurora, I’d had a few breakdowns and thankfully either Reyna or Cris were there to support and look after me, and even listen to me when I would incoherently babble during crisis. I could not stop myself and I turned back around to face the screen again.

“Here’s more for you,” I said as the tears poured from my eyes. I could hear the faint sound of an old Deftones song as I spoke, but did what I could to block it out. “Here’s more pictures of me and my plain face without makeup. Here’s one of me and my brothers when I was little. Yeah, they’re much older than me. Here’s one of me and my mom. Another of me and my friend from my old job in Austin.”

In that moment, something went off in my head and I felt I had absolutely nothing else to lose.

“I’m sure you noticed,” I said as I turned again back to Ronnie, but this time his face was remorseful and covered in an almost shameful expression. “You’re thinking ‘where’s your dad?’ Well! I’m glad you noticed his absence. You know why? Because he walked out on me when I was only a few days old. That’s right. My good for nothing piece of shit father walked out on me, my mom, and my brothers just days after I was born!” My tone slightly changed from that of anger to mockingly playful. “I know what you’re gonna say, Ronnie! ‘No wonder you were a stripper! Daddy issues!’ Oh yes! Let’s make fun of the woman whose father once told her he wished she had died at birth! Yeah, let’s all do that! Let’s make fun of the person who never had a father and whose stepfather refused to accept her at all and accused her of being a thief! Let’s all do that because that’s what the cool kids do, right Ronnie?

“That’s what all the cool guys do! Mock other people’s pain! Make them feel like total dog shit all because of something completely out of their control! What do you say, Ronnie? Wanna do that some more?” I stopped for a moment and thought of at least one last thing I knew that bitter and angry Ronnie wanted. “I know. I know what else you really want from me! You…wanna know where I live! Of course you do! All of you do. All the trolls wanna know where that cunt Liliana Escarra lives, right? Right!”

I brought up another browser window and went to Google Maps. After finding the entry bar, I typed in my own home address and hit search. Within seconds, the complete and full address populated on the screen as well as a detailed map showing the exact location as well as the surround areas. I turned to the screen again.

“There you go everyone!” I said, my insanity hitting its’ peak. “That’s where I live! Right there in Allentown, Pennsylvania.” I zoomed in as far as I could go so everyone could see the street name and more. “That’s my building! That’s where I live on the 3rd floor.”

I turned back to Ronnie, an unhinged and maniacal smile covering my face as I wiped away more tears along with a smudging of mascara. I could have easily reset my makeup in my HUD, but I didn’t care how I looked in that moment.

“Oh!” I said, the mania still holding onto me. “And you probably wanna know what I do for a living, right? I…work for a company that develops products for other companies that they can then rebrand and sell as their own! Yeah, I help develop products that probably you and everyone else in here has bought before at some point. Isn’t that amazing!” I quickly stepped toward Ronnie which surprised him, my unhinged expression apparently startling him. “So amazing, isn’t it Ronnie! So…fucking amazing!”

I could feel the anger and rage building inside me as I looked him square in the eyes. In that moment, I wanted him to feel me burning a hole into his head with my stare and I wanted him to recoil in fear. With each step I could see him becoming more and more unsure of himself and a few of his troll friends abandoned him and moved to another part of the room. To me though, it was just me and Ronnie, and he found himself suddenly staring into the eyes of a woman that had nothing else to lose. And he was afraid. I wanted him to feel fear. I stepped so close to him that I could easily smell the stink of his breath on my face but I didn’t care. I moved my face beside his, moving as close to his ear as he would let me, my breathing erratic and shallow.

“Is this what you wanted?” I whispered to him, my voice still shaking. The mix of emotions inside me were so jumbled and chaotic that I had no idea which would choose to come forth in the moment. Unfortunately, that emotion, one which I had tried so hard to hold back, was despair. I raised my voice, allowing everyone to hear me. “This is what you wanted, right? You wanted to see me fall? To see me exposed so you could ridicule me and call me a liar?” I pulled away from Ronnie and took a few steps back, feeling the eyes of the crowd on me.

“Well?” I said, my voice barely holding on and my eyes so red and swollen I probably looked like a stoned raccoon. “Are you happy, Ronnie? All this…all of me being exposed for everyone…does this make you happy?” I could feel the lump in my throat rising. “Are you happy now? Are you, Ronnie?” My voice rose without warning. “Are you happy now? Are you happy?” I screamed as loud as I could. “Are you fucking happy!”

The room had become so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Even though I felt I couldn’t cry anymore, more tears found their way from my eyes and ran down my face like a river. I finally broke my gaze from Ronnie and looked down to the floor. I felt my hands rise up to my head and into my hair. Taking hold of it at my roots, I pulled on it as hard as I could while releasing a scream so loud I could feel it in my soul. My breathing was labored and I could feel the pressure mounting in my chest as I slowly walked away from Ronnie. I found myself back in the middle of the dance floor, the map opened to my exact location still up for everyone to see and the lone light in the room besides the browser hovering over that spot.

I could fell every set of eyes on me. I knew Reyna and Cris and everyone else were staring at me, letting me go through this as I knew I had to. Both of them held back others who had made a move toward me, shaking their heads at them so that I could deal with what I’d just done. They knew it was something I could only get through on my own and so they left me there, looking on with everyone else.

“I just,” I muttered still looking at the floor. I pulled my hands from my hair and let them drop to my sides, the sleeves of my jacket brushing up against my leggings. I struggled to find the words, the gravity of what I’d just done to myself finally hitting me. I slowly lifted my head and began to look over the crowd, catching the eyes of so many people that I’d interacted with - spoke to, taken pictures with, danced with, and shared funny stories with in the past few years I’d been in Aurora.

So many people were there and only then did I realize just how large the crowd had become. I looked back up to the browser and switched it back to my Facebook profile. I flipped through a few more of my photos and settled on my most recent one. It was a photo that a friend had taken of me in the real world a few months prior on a rare occasion when I’d been talked into going outdoors.

I was sitting on a bench in a park in the city where I lived. I was dressed in dark jeans and sneakers with a gray, loose fitting t-shirt that I’d covered up with a black zip up windbreaker. It was chilly and breezy that day and a sudden gust of wind had brushed back my long black hair from my face and sent it behind me. My expression was calm, my dark purple lips pressed together, and a faint but noticeable melancholy lived behind my hazel eyes.

I looked back down to everyone and scanned the room once more. All of them were staring at the picture I’d put up. Some of them stared for several seconds while others looked at it and then back down to me to see the resemblance. For every single one of them, in that moment, they knew that I had indeed been completely truthful with them and had used my real life appearance in the design of the avatar I used in game. With the exception of a single detail, my height, the way I looked in game was virtually identical to how I looked in the real world.

“So,” I said as I looked back down at the dance floor. “I lied about my height.” I looked back up to the crowd. “Here I’m 5’7” whereas in real life I’m right about 5 feet tall. I guess…I guess that’s the one place where I wanted to be different here. I’m pretty short so if anyone wants to hate me for wanting to be a little taller….” I looked down again and shook my head. I felt I had to say something, but was having a hard time figuring out what that should be. Everyone was staring at me. I had to say something. But what? I struggled to put together sentences in my head, so much so that I decided to do what I always did: speak from the heart.

“I came here to Aurora for the same reasons all of you did,” I said, looking back over the crowd. “Inside all of us is this…need to escape the real world and just be who we want to be. To be something…better. Something more. We all have something in ours lives, our real world lives, that is often too much to bear, too much to deal with. We come here to get away from that worry so we can be free, even if just for the night.” I wiped the tears from my eyes once again, not caring how I looked.

“When I first came here, I had told myself that I wanted to be more social again and to meet people from all over the world. Because of all the crap I went through in my life I’d slowly become closed off. I rarely leave my apartment and I don’t really speak with too many people anymore. I wanted to try to find a way to…find my old self. The person I used to be before all the bullshit became too much for me. What I quickly realized was that here there were people who were like me in a way. Many of you have the same problems I have. Something happened or is happening in your life and you just want to get back to who you were when things were better. I know a lot of you have…so much weighing on your hearts and you can’t find a way to unload it all. I know because I have spoken to so many of you.

“The greatest thing to happen to me when I first started was realizing just how much I could help other people who were going through something. I talked to one of you and then another and another and another and before I knew it, it was all I was doing with my time here. Every night I logged in, someone wanted to talk to me and I did my best to be there for them. Some of you in this very room have probably talked to me and unburdened your soul of what was holding you down and I hope beyond hope that I somehow helped you. It felt like it had become my purpose here. Like I was supposed to be here for all of you, to help you deal with what was causing you pain, and so many of us are in pain.

“So often people forget that behind each avatar you see here is a real living, breathing person back in the real world. Each and every one of us is fighting a battle no one else knows about. Yet, when some of us get behind an anonymous avatar, we’re so quick to judge others.” I turned to look over to Ronnie and a few of the trolls that were still standing near him. “So many…so quick to judge…when you have no idea what that person is going through or has gone through. None of us have any room to judge anyone else here.” I felt the need to go on and looked back over the crowd.

“We all come here to escape and be something else and maybe for me that something else was a better version of me that helps others. Even if it’s only talking to them and comforting them, it’s still something. I just…I talk to so many of you and I see the pain in your eyes and all I want to do is take that pain from you so you can feel something else, anything else! I wish I could do that for everyone here. I just wish…I wish I could be that for all of you and let you unburden yourself and be free of it all. My life has been an absolute dumpster fire and I know how it feels to be completely alone and terrified. When the people you were supposed to be able to trust turn on you and violate you in ways I would never wish on my worst enemy…” I felt myself becoming overloaded, but I continued anyway.

“I wanted so much to be what you all wanted me to be. I never felt I was worthy of my title because I know I didn’t do nearly enough to earn it. I couldn’t help all of you and I know I failed because of that. I see so many of you struggling and barely getting by and it breaks my heart.” My legs which had been struggling to keep me upright finally gave way and I found myself down on the floor. I sat on my feet, my mind beginning to overload, and my hair became a mess as I pulled the hair-tie from it, letting it all fall down around me. I looked around again and looked over as many faces as I could, remembering those I’d helped and those that I couldn’t, and shuttered.

“I’m so sorry!” I said, my voice giving out and my body shaking uncontrollably. “All I wanted was to help people, to make your lives a little brighter and I failed! I’m not special. I never thought I was. I’m sorry! I’m so….”

I found my hands covering my face and my hair falling down in front of me. I knew there was nothing I could have done about the hack, but for some reason I still felt I could have helped somehow. I knew it was only a matter of time before all of their personal information was released and they would all have their real world lives put in jeopardy. I don’t know why I felt the need to do what I did. Maybe I thought it I just gave the trolls what they wanted that somehow this would all just go away. I knew I was their primary target. Maybe if they got me as their prize, I could somehow save everyone else from their treachery. I knew in my mind that the trolls and the hacker would never stop with just me, but my heart still wished that this could be the solution.

In all my life, I had felt the joys of what I knew were my finest successes and the sorrows of my greatest losses and failures. From something as simple as paying my rent on time to winning a tennis match in high school, I relished in those small victories. They helped keep me going. They helped me push forward to see the next day. How I got though my roughest times, even I have no real idea.

Every night I still see Will at the foot of my bed, staring at me and waiting for me to go to sleep. I still feel the barrel of the gun pressed against my forehead and the burning of the hot water from the shower. I still hear the questions from the police asking me what happened and I still regret lying to them and withholding the truth all to protect someone that would have never done the same for me. I remember the passive aggressive comments, the ridicule, the jealousy, and not being allowed to have friends other than his family. I remember crying like I never had before when I was packing my car that cold December day when I finally knew I had to leave him. I remember walking back through the town home we shared and knowing that I would never be coming back to it ever again.

I still remember the day we first met, a Sunday, through a mutual friend and thinking his face with that beaming smile was the most handsome I’d ever come across. I remember thinking that he was the one and that we could build something wonderful together and that I could make him happy only to find out it was never going to end up that way. I still have the night terrors, I still see his phantom in Aurora, and I still feel his ghost beside me as I move through my real life. I look down to my arms every day and I still see the scars he left me. I still have my wedding ring and I still keep it in my linen closet on the same shelf as my towels. I don’t know why I do this. I just do. Maybe I feel the need to remind myself of one of my greatest failures.

I still remember my father leaving that day after he spoke those scarring words to me that remain burned into soul. I still remember the smell the screeching tires left and I still remember that stupid green shirt I grasped for. I remember my brothers and the looks on their faces, not knowing how to talk to me about what our father chose to do to me and not to them. I remember my mother having no answers for me and only being able to hope that he would wake up someday and realized he had a daughter that desperately wanted him in her life. I remember him touching me on my shoulder the day of my grandfather’s funeral and not saying a word to me. I remember following the casket as it rolled past me as I sat in the back row of the church and seeing my father move with it as if he’d lost the most important person in his life. I recognized the irony in how he viewed his own father and I how I viewed him. He loved his father and his father loved him, but I could never love someone who never wanted me and that still, to this day, haunts me.

I still remember Mrs Montgomery and how she looked after me at latchkey and often spoke to me on various topics even though I was probably too young to really appreciate the advice she was imparting on me. I remember her light skin and her warm smile, and the way she’d be sure to greet me each time I came into the cafeteria after school. I remember her helping me with my homework and playing chess with me while the other kids watched and picked who they thought would win. I remember when she told me she had to go away to a new school because she was transferring to another college for her own studies. I remember crying when she hugged me and knowing it might very well be the last time I ever saw her. I remember going to latchkey the following week and her not being there anymore and to this day, that sudden absence still stings me.

I still remember sleeping under that highway overpass and being so scared I could barely move. I remember the rumble of the cars as they drove just above me and the stench of burning oil and rubber seeping down into the area below. I remember being too afraid to sleep and occasionally seeing another homeless person wander by and look up to me, possibly seeing if the spot I had staked out for myself was available so they could take it for themselves. I remember knowing that if someone wanted to, they could just come by and take me because I was so small. That fear of possibly being kidnapped and forced into doing any number of terrible things or even being killed stays with me and leaves me with an intense fear of losing what little I have worked so hard for.

The room was silent and the air thick with sorrow and anger. I dropped my hands from my face and let them hit the floor below me. For a moment, given all that had just happen, I felt surprisingly calm, stoic. With the meltdowns that I’d had in Aurora, none were nearly this public. I knew that everyone in the game had probably seen what had just happened. I knew that the game stream was probably being viewed by hundreds of thousands or even millions of people online. Everyone in the world finally knew who I was. They knew my name and they knew that how I looked in game was how I looked in the real world. They all knew far more than I thought I would ever reveal about myself. As I sat there on the dance floor, my hair draped around me and my feet bearing all of my weight, a strange thing happened to me. Something had changed inside me. I felt a focus come over me like I’d never experienced before. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. It was then that I realized what had happened. With all that I’d said, done and shown to everyone not only then but through that night and during all my time in Aurora, I’d finally felt what I had desperately longed for. Catharsis. I pushed my hands down into the floor and forced my way back, rising to my feet. I swept my hair away from in front of me and showed my face to everyone once more. And then…it happened.

A sudden rush energy filled my body as I took in another breath. A strange sensation pulsed through me once and then once more, making me shiver from an unexpected endorphin rush. It was a sensation I’d felt once before, but not for some time. I opened my eyes a little wider and saw that the browser window I had left opened had disappeared and was replaced with something different. Slowly but surely, purple lights began to form in the dark. They appeared random at first but soon spelled out a very clear and distinct word in large capital letters: LOTUS.

A huge burst of sparks exploded from the letters and fell down onto me, sticking to my clothing and parts of my hair. My nameplate began to pulse wildly and without warning, a massive lotus flower appeared behind me, radiating all the various colors you’d find them in naturally. Purple lights then began to flood the room, strobing and causing some in the crowd to become startled. I felt the large lotus flower move through my body and cross over in front of me, it’s petals switching from red to purple to blue and even to a new color I’d not seen them done before now - gold. Just then a giant pair of wings appeared behind me and carefully attached themselves to my avatar, their golden flame lighting the entire room up and sending a striking shiver through my body which caused my hands to ball up into fists. The light from the wings grew steadily brighter and the lotus flower in front of me grew larger and larger until it filled the room from floor to ceiling.

With power surging through my body, I looked up and watched my nameplate light up and grow as it had that one other time before. This time, however, gold appeared in the assortment of colors, adding to the red, purple, and blue from before. My HUD began to glitch or so I though, my icons which only I could see rapidly shifting and moving around my screen as if a bug had been encountered. With a massive gust of wind, the wings which had become attached to me swept forward, sending out mock flames through the room causing a brief moment of panic. I turned my head and locked eyes with Reyna who was still there standing beside Cris, a look of complete shock on her face.

I felt my body slowly lift up off the ground and into the air as my wings continued to sweep back and forth. I watched the floor below as I moved upward and the color of my clothing slowly changed from my normal moderate purple to a much thicker and deeper tone. The parts which were once white had shifted into a metallic silver similar to brushed aluminum and reflected the fiery red and gold from my wings. With one final burst of energy, my body pulsed and my nameplate flashed once more, spelling out the word “Lotus” along with a few more letters. I looked around the room and watched everyone from several feet up, approximately 25 feet above them, their eyes reflecting the reds, purples, blues, and golds I was emanating. My glow which I had normally kept turned off and which had faded from me completely when I gave up my title returned to me, but this time it pulsed and sparked purple and gold.

Without warning, I dropped from the air and landed right where I had started, my feet slamming to the ground firmly. My legs, however, did not give and my knees bent only sightly, mostly from my natural reflexes. My wings which had grown to an incredible size began to shrink until they were much more in keeping with my overall proportions and tucked away just behind my shoulder blades. The massive purple lotus which had grown to the size of the room also began to shrink. Once it was the size of dinner plate, it slowly moved toward me, continuing to shrink, and firmly planted itself on my forehead, glowing brightly once more before fading away. My HUD which had been going haywire had finally settled down and several new icons I’d never seen before had been added. A series of new applications which had also just appeared pulsed in gold and purple, letting me know they were newly installed. They sat alongside my other often used applications such as my personal music library and my Escort app. A couple of them were labeled with icons I had never seen before while one that stood out broadly against the others flashed in red. It was labeled as “GM.”

I stood there and took several deep breathes, my eyes closed. I slowly recovered and got my bearings after dealing with such a huge display. I rubbed my fingers together, pressing them firmly against my thumbs. I felt my hair hanging down around my head and without thinking, I whipped it back around behind me with my hand and it was suddenly back in its’ high ponytail, situated perfectly behind me. I opened my eyes and looked out over the crowd, looks of shock and amazement over their faces as I stared at them through flames positioned inside my irises that alternated in color. As I noticed them, I also realized small flame-like animations were displayed just outside my eyes, but I was able to easily look past them. I blinked my eyes a few times, causing my makeup and overall look from the neck up to completely refresh, resetting my red and puffy eyes back to their normal appearance. I looked back down to my hands and into my palms. A strange, but somewhat familiar sensation coming over them. Without thinking, I turned to a small table that was just off the dance floor and was surrounded by people and reached out to it. To my surprise, the table reacted to my visual cue and lifted up and off the ground, sticking in the air as if glitched. I pulled my hand back toward me and the table moved with it, and continued to move closer to me. I dropped my hand, wondering if I could move it by simply thinking of it as I did with several other elements of my HUD. As I had figured, I thought of the table spinning in the air and it did just that.

I turned my gaze over to Reyna and stared at her, her face still displaying shock but also some relief as she had correctly figured that I was alright. I looked over to Cris and Mustafa and the others and while they were also quite shocked, they nodded their heads and light smiles began to breakout over their faces. As quickly as I thought of it, I found myself staring back at Ronnie and his now very frightened band of trolls.

I quickly stepped toward them, the table and several others just like it lifting up off the floor and into the air. By thinking it, I soon had no less than 10 tables all suspended in the air, following me to him. I blinked several times and the flames in front of my eyes vanished as did my golden wings. In a panic, he tried to flee, but the crowd had grown too dense and he was unable to move very far. Once in front of him, I sent all of the tables in his direction with the full intention of striking him where he stood. I wanted him to feel some of the emotional distress he had caused all of us as physical pain. I wanted to see him busted up and hurt. I wanted to see him bleed. My better judgment coming though, I stopped the tables mere inches from his face, having realized if I had done it, I would be no better than he was.

I called the tables back and had them set down onto the floor behind me and out of the way. I stepped closer toward Ronnie, wanting him to feel that sense of fear as I stalked him, my expression focused and determined. With each step I took, I could feel the dread building in him. He wanted to get away, but he knew he was stuck. Somehow I could sense him trying to teleport away, but I was able to stop him, again, simply by thinking about it. My boots made small, but meaningful thuds with each step I took and within a few seconds I was a foot away from his face. I stared into his eyes, the fire in my own growing brighter and hotter. I could see the sweat forming on his brow and watched as his chest moved in and out rapidly. I could sense his heart rate and blood pressure, all while not using my Escort app. I slowly lifted my hand up to his face, the temptation to strike him physically still lingering. In the end, I chose something much more illuminating.

“Boop!” I said as I lightly touched the end of his nose with my fingertip. Ronnie, perplexed, blinked rapidly, unsure of what had just happened.

“What?” was all he could manage to get out.

“What’s wrong?” I said to him in a light and almost playful tone. His eyes, which had just minutes earlier been filled with sinister joy, were now covered in humiliation and regret. “Do you not recognize me?” I moved in as close I could to him, perhaps an inch from his cheek with my finger still on his nose. “Don’t you know your Queen?”

With a sly smirk, I carefully backed away from him, letting my hand and outstretched finger hang in the air for a few seconds before dropping them, tilting my head sideways as I moved. As a slight to him in that moment, I did for him what I’d done for some many others in Aurora and sent him a leather-bound notebook with a song name scrawled inside it: Queen by Perfume Genius.

Finally granting him permission to leave, Ronnie and all of his trolls teleported away back to their Stormfront room, presumably to figure out what had just happened. I turned back around, my hair whipping back behind me, still firmly in a ponytail. I looked over to Cris and Reyna and sashayed toward them, their faces smiling, almost beaming with excitement and relief. I strolled slowly, my calm and quiet confidence returning to me with each step I took. It was then I realized everyone was still very quiet. I scanned the room and noticed the shocked look on everyones faces so I tried my best to break the tension.

“Everybody alright?” I said while offering a smile to everyone, my new found energy having worked its’ way through my body.

“Holy shit!” Mustafa cried out, a bit of jovial humor hanging off the end of his statement. His outburst caused everyone else in the club to relax and break out in cheers, elation, and overall good vibes. I took a moment to gather myself once more, taking in a deep breath. While I was very aware of what had just happened, my Lotus title returning to my name along with a very visible and animated “GM” tag next to it, I was still internally processing it. In the moment, all I could think of was that Thaddeus or perhaps some of the other developers had second thoughts about what I was doing and didn’t want me to bow out quite so easily. I knew it was something I was going to have to ponder further, but I had other things on my mind.

“Reyna,” I said as I turned my attention back to her, the lights in the room returning to normal and the music slowly coming back on. The crowd, while relaxed, was still fixated on me and were all eagerly discussing what they thought they’d just witnessed. Not only did they just see Reyna earning a title, but my title also being returned to me along with a massive upgrade.

“OK,” Reyna said as she moved closer to me. “What in the world just happened?”

“You were ‘crowned,’” I said as I smiled at her. “You’re one of us now.”

“How did you do that?” she asked. “I never knew you could just anoint someone at random like that.”

“You can’t,” I said, pressing my lips together. “It’s a one time thing.”

“Then how?” she asked me. “Does this have anything to do with you being off the map? Why we couldn’t locate you?” I nodded my head. “Where were you?”

“That’s a little complicated,” I said to her as the crowd around us began to move to the music again and talk about the scene, some of them walking over to offer us more kind words. Caster and Giff had moved off the dance floor and away from us to discuss something while staring back at me. Cris and Mustafa also gave Reyna and I some space, but kept a close watch. They were all still confused as to what had just transpired so I knew I was going to eventually have to explain to them what I was telling Reyna.

“Tell me,” she said to me as she took my hand and led me away to another area closer to the back of the club.

“I have a better idea,” I said. Pairing with her, I thought of the most serene and private place I could think of. In an instant, she and I were in my stargazing room, the pond of ducks and geese just to our left and the bench I’d spent some time lying down next to earlier in the night to my right. I led her over to it, but neither of us sat down. We were both still full of adrenaline and giddiness from our experiences.

“I was given an opportunity,” I said as I quickly glanced up to the stars and then back down to her. I took a deep breath and began explaining. “I talked to…someone…and I told them I didn’t want my title anymore. I told them I wanted to give it up because having it caused someone very dear to me to leave Aurora.” Reyna sighed as I told this to her. “I told them it had been more of a curse than a blessing and I wanted to be rid of it. They told me I could willingly give it up to whomever I thought was worthy, but once I did that I could never get it back. Ever.” Reyna thought about my words for a moment.

“Wait,” she said, figuring out exactly what I was saying. “Are you saying…you asked to give you title up?” I nodded my head. “And you decided to give it…to me?” I nodded again. “Why!”

“I had to,” I said, pulling her closer to me and placing my hand on her cheek. “You were all I wanted for so long and you ended up leaving because of it.” I looked down to Reyna’s hand and took hold of it, lifting it up to my chest. “Since that day, I’d hated it. All I wanted was for us to just be able to do our thing and be together. I never wanted the title so when I was given the chance to give it up, I took it with one condition. I got to choose who that person I picked would be called.”

“So you chose to call me Butterfly,” Reyna said to me, a light smile breaking out across her face.

“Yes,” I said. “Because to me, that’s what you are. You evolved in front of my eyes. I remember you being so into your kink at the beginning that it became a refuge for you. But then as we spent more time, you began to change and become something more.” I pulled her hand to my lips and kissed it. “When you came for me in Stormfront, all you did was prove to me what I already knew. You put yourself in danger to come and get me. You stayed with me when they chased me and you put yourself in front of me when that asshole came at us with a knife.”

“I wanted to do it,” she said to me in a lower voice. “I…abandoned you once and I wasn’t going to do it again.” Reyna looked over to the pond as did I. Watched for a moment as the ducks quietly moved through the water, their little feet carefully moving them along.

“I was never mad at you for leaving,” I said looking back at her. She, in turn, looked back at me. “I was never mad. Just…alone. It fractured my mind for a while because I knew what was happening inside me. I knew I was falling for you. Hard. And I couldn’t stop myself.”

“Ana,” Reyna said, apparently trying to stop me from saying more.

“Hey,” I said, interjecting. “I know you don’t do romance and relationships. I remember when we talked about all that and I get it. But…I just had to say it. I had to let you know how I felt. And I’m not expecting you to just change your perspective on all that. It was never my intention to try and change your mind.” I looked back down and dropped my hand from her face. “Before you left, I had made up my mind I would just never tell you. I told myself to just be happy with what we had. And I was. We had an amazing friendship. We did some of the wildest stuff together! There’s no way you can’t feel close to someone you experienced all that with. There’s just no way. The level of trust I felt with you was….”

Without warning Reyna pulled me to her, wrapping her hand around the back of my neck and pressing her lips to mine. She kissed me gently, but with conviction as if wanting to let me know there was far more going on inside her heart than she’d led on. I closed my eyes and let myself sink into her, letting her passion encompass me and allowing myself to feel all I’d been holding in for the past year and a half.

“I never wanted to leave,” Reyna said, interrupting our kiss. Not knowing what to say to her, I kept quiet and waited to see if she wanted to add more. “I left, but I didn’t tell you exactly why. Yes, the attention you got was overwhelming, but that wasn’t the reason. I left because I knew if I stayed I was going to break that rule I had set for myself. No love, no relationships.” Just then, Reyna’s eyes glassed up and she confessed more to me. “I never thought I could fall for someone in a place like this, but then you came along and before I knew it, I was walking around in the real world and thinking of you and counting the minutes before I could see you again. All I could think about was you. When I was at work or when I was sitting and talking to friends, it was always you.”

“Reyna,” I said, realizing what she was saying to me.

“ I couldn’t stay because I was scared!” she said as she put her arms around me and pulled me closer, touching her forehead to mine. “I thought if I just leave, I could get over this or realize it was just me being dumb. But then I realized I had never stopped thinking about you. Every day, every damn day I would go home and remember that I couldn’t see you because I had to get over it. I couldn’t come back!”

“Then why did you?” I said, pressing my forehead into hers. I could feel my heart pounding and I could, with my newly gained powers, feel her pulse rising as well as her blood pressure.

“I can’t let you go,” Reyna said. She pulled back a little from me and we locked eyes, hers finally releasing the tears I knew she’d been holding onto for the last 18 months.

“You don’t have to,” I said back to her, softening my voice. She reached her hand up to my face and lightly touched my cheek as if afraid she might harm me. We stared at each other, neither of us blinking much as she smiled through her tears.

“Ana,” she said, still caressing my cheek with her fingers. “So…what do we do about all this? Where do we go from here?” Reaching my hand up, I wiped away a couple of tears with my fingers and smiled at her.

“I’m in if you’re in,” I said, making it plainly clear what I wanted. Reyna’s smile grew as she nodded to me. “You know, Reyna. We’d never…actually had a proper kiss before.” She giggled a little, knowing what I meant. “I mean…we’d kissed, but it was always in the context of our…adventures. It was never just us. Never me and you just doing it because we wanted to or….” Reyna interrupted me with a quick and loving kiss, pressing her lips into mine once more and taking me by surprise. She just as quickly pulled back, our lips making a audible smack as she did. I smiled wryly and closed my eyes for a moment, enjoying the sudden showing of affection. “Can we try that again?”

Reyna nodded to me, allowing me to let my pent up emotion for her finally show. I pulled her to me, gently brushing my lips against her nose. Kissing her again, I could feel the texture of her lipstick colliding with my own. I felt her tongue peek out of her mouth and gladly accepted it, letting my own return her oral affection. Before I knew it, we were wrapped around each other, our kiss being the culmination of an extremely intense and whirlwind type relationship that almost ended tragically. It was the first time we’d ever properly kissed and it was one of the most beautifully intense and loving moments of my life. This woman whom I’d longed for, ached for, for so long was finally in my arms. In that moment, we let out all the pent up loss, heartache, uncertainty, sorrow and fully embraced what we both wanted - each other.

I’d been able to get answers to so many questions I’d had for so long not only about Reyna but also about myself that night. Never in all my years had I thought I could fall in love with another woman until she came into my life. I’d never looked at another woman the way I looked at Reyna, dedicating virtually all of my time to men as far as romantic prospects were concerned. It was devastating for me not only when Reyna had left, but also because I had let myself get comfortable with the idea of loving a woman only for it to end the way it did. When I fall in love, I fall hard. Very hard. It was the same way with Will and much more apparent with Reyna, only I knew she would never get jealous and try to end my life.

We kissed and let our hands roam over each other’s bodies. I imagined what everyone would think of what was happening with the two of us. I knew people would talk and I knew they would find some reason to criticize what happened with us that night, but I didn’t care. All I cared about was Reyna. I ran my fingers through her thick, dark hair and caressed her dark skin with my fingers, each touch feeling like the first time. It felt like a whole new beginning for Reyna and I, and in a way, it really was. We’d been through so much and dealt with our own heartache and uncertainties, but still managed to find our way back to each other. Only this time, we were moving forward with our lives, at least in Aurora, as a couple. If we decided to revisit our old kinks at some point, we could talk about it and then work out how we wanted to approach it. Neither of us ever got jealous and when it came to taking sides, I knew she always had my back and she knew I had hers. We were a team then and we’d become an even stronger team after and we both knew nothing could tear us apart.