Chapter 30
THIRTY
HARLEY
The ride back to campus is the most silence Cane and I have had in days, and each mile that we get farther away from the airport, the more I can feel our happy bubble begin to pop.
A feeling of dread fills my gut, but I don’t know if it’s because deep down, I know once we return to NEU, as I start training for softball and he goes back to baseball, I’ll need to reestablish my boundaries of friendship to keep myself from falling behind.
Or if it’s because I’m afraid of what Cane said.
I’m scared that once life returns to whatever my new normal is, and I don’t have anything distracting me from the loss of my dad, grief will hit harder than before. And if I let myself feel the loss of my father—like really, really feel it—I’m afraid it may consume me whole.
“What time is your practice?” Cane asks, almost as if it’s to break the silence.
“Six,” I say, glancing over at him. “Yours?”
“Six thirty,” he answers quietly.
Even when we hardly knew each other, I didn’t feel like we ever had to make much small talk because for whatever reason, things were never that awkward. But right now, I’m counting down the minutes till this ride is over and wishing I could stop time, all at once.
I have friends at NEU. Some great ones really.
Haven has become someone I can tell almost everything to, somebody who lifts me up when I’m feeling down.
Gigi is the sweetest soul, and I somehow feel calmer when I know I’m going to be catching for her during a game.
Isla is just an all-around good person, and I know she’ll always have my back, even though I haven’t known her that long.
I have an entire team of women who are badass and strong.
We have a bond that I can’t explain, and they are practically my family now.
Yet, out of all those people, Cane, the person I’ve known the least amount of time, knows me the best. Now we’ve had sex—among other things—and everything is complicated.
How are we supposed to hang out and be friends when I feel closer to him than ever because of the things we did in my bedroom and in that hotel room last night?
Maybe he feels it too. If so, that’s probably why he’s being so silent. Truly, I don’t know. I wonder if he came, he saw, he conquered. And now that he’s been with me and taken so many of my firsts, he’s not interested in being my friend.
My chest hurts as I imagine him with anyone else, and right now, I’m just confused.
I just need to get back on the field. Being there, playing softball, it’ll remind me why I can’t have feelings for Cane. And then maybe I’ll pull myself out of this funk.
CANE
The entire ride to campus is either silent or a few strings of small talk being exchanged. Harland isn’t speaking much, but then again, neither am I.
We’re supposed to just be friends now that we’re pulling into the NEU campus.
I’m not supposed to look at her and imagine her lips parting while her pussy spasms on my dick.
I shouldn’t be imagining her looking down at me, my face buried between her legs.
And I guess it’s wrong that I’m still wishing we were in that hotel room, her lying on my chest.
I can’t pretend like the past few days haven’t happened. I can’t act like I haven’t fallen in love with her—because I have. So, instead of pretending, I’m just staying silent. Because if she got the impression that I’m about to overcomplicate her life, I know she’d probably run for the hills.
Every second we get closer to Eagle Way, the further away she feels from me. I knew her settling back after being with her mom the past week would be hard; I just hope that’s the only thing bothering her.
I don’t want her to regret everything we did the past few days. Because I sure as fuck don’t.
When I turn onto Eagle Way and I pull along the sidewalk between The Tower and The Nest, I put the truck into park. I half expect her to jump out like her seat is on fire and she can’t get away from me fast enough, but instead, she sits with her hands folded in her lap.
“Thank you, Cane,” she says, looking over at me with her big green eyes. “I don’t think I could have gotten through”—she pauses—“the past week without you.”
I rest my forearms on the steering wheel and lean forward, gazing at her. Her eyes look lost, and I hate it. But I knew everything would change when we got back here.
“I’ll always be right here, Harland,” I whisper. “And I hope you know that. I didn’t just say it to say it when I told you that you could call anytime. I want you to.”
Her eyes dart down to her hands, and she nods before they lift to mine again. “Thank you.”
She’s a mere few feet away, yet she might as well still be back in Montana because the distance between us is enormous.
I fucking knew it would be like this because how is she supposed to return to normal life after losing her dad just a little over a week ago? I’ve been there, I know what she’s feeling, and I’d give anything to make it better. Unfortunately, the thing with being in this club … it can’t get better.
Leaning across the center console, I kiss her forehead.
“You’re going to be okay, Catch.” I keep my chin against her forehead and hug her. “I promise.”
She doesn’t hug me back, but after a few seconds, she faintly nods against me.
“I hope so,” she whispers, her voice cracking.
And even though I carry her things to her door and she promises she’ll call me later, I know she won’t. And when I walk away from her house, a part of me stays behind.
Because even though she gave something to me that I’ll always hold on to and no other man can ever have, I gave her a part of myself too. A part I’ve never given anyone. And to be honest, I don’t want it back.
It’s hers now.