Chapter 34
THIRTY-FOUR
HARLEY
My eyes open to slits, and right away, the pounding in my head has me closing them again. I don’t know if my blood sugar is suddenly high, but this headache feels different than that. Then it hits me …
I’m in Cane’s bed. And my head hurts because, for the first time in my life, I got drunk at a party.
Opening my eyes again—this time about halfway—I reach for the other side of the bed to find it empty. This is the first time I’ve been in Cane’s room, and even though it’s dim, I let my eyes sweep around it, taking in how neat it is.
Water … I need water.
Scooting to the edge of the bed, I swing my legs, letting my feet hit the floor before gazing down at my outfit. Gray sweatpants hang off my body, along with an NEU baseball tee that is more like a short dress.
I look back at the bed and frown, wondering why he would bring me here and then leave.
Maybe I’ve been such a bitch lately that he couldn’t stand to be in the same room as me.
I wouldn’t blame him; I haven’t been that nice since we got back.
I’ve ignored most of his texts and done everything possible not to run into him on campus.
All because what? I’m afraid that I’ll throw myself at him if we get too close?
Suddenly, a flashback from last night hits me, and I cringe when I recall coming onto him after he was nice enough to get me dressed in more comfortable clothes. I debate not going downstairs at all, scared to face him, but the need for water makes it worth the risk, I guess.
Walking out of the room, I head down the hallway. I’m nearly to the kitchen when I hear the voices. They aren’t yelling, but they are loud enough for me to make out every word.
“Why are you on my ass about this, Cash?” Cane says, clearly annoyed. “I don’t say shit about what you do with your life.”
“Because I don’t have some super-fucking-savior complex where I feel the need to save everyone around me!
” his brother practically roars back. “You did this when we were growing up. You’ve done it with past friends.
This fall, you did it with your teammates and took the blame for something you hadn’t done, and now you’re fucking doing it with Harley Meadows! ”
“Cash, she lost her fucking father!” Now Cane is roaring, and I hear what sounds like a fist coming down against the counter. “We’ve been there before. We know how awful those first couple months are!”
My heart pounds in my ears, and blood fills my cheeks. I shouldn’t be listening to this, but my feet stay planted on the floor, frozen in place.
“You can’t save everyone.” Cash speaks more hushed now, almost defeated. “And you should start to connect the dots of why you’re always fucking trying to.”
Silence. For a few brief moments, that’s what Cash is met with before Cane mutters something bitterly.
“You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about,” he bites out. “You’re just always the perfect child, Cash. Leave me the fuck alone.”
“I don’t know what I’m talking about?” Cash snaps back.
“I’m talking about the fact that since Dad died—since he was on his way to your fucking practice—you feel the need to try to fix everyone all the time!
” Now it’s Cash who slams something against the counter.
“You’ve blamed yourself since you were seven years old for something that you had no fucking control over!
It’s why you do the shit you do! You’re trying to fucking fix yourself by fixing everyone else! ”
“No,” Cane whispers, so quiet that I barely hear him.
“Yes, you do,” Cash says angrily. “Can’t you fucking see that before you can get better and stop blaming yourself, you’ve got to stop trying to help others?
” He sighs. “I know you weren’t to blame for what happened to Dad.
Everyone knows it.” He stops. “Now you just need to know it. And to stop making everyone your project because it’s not fucking healthy. ”
My heart breaks inside my chest, and my eyes fill with tears. For weeks, I’ve let Cane rescue me when he has his own demons he’s fighting. He always seemed so strong, and I took advantage of that. I back away a few steps, but not in time to miss what Cane says next.
“She needs me,” he rasps. “And until she stops needing me, I have to be there for her.”
The back of my throat burns as a lump forces its way inside of it. My vision becomes blurry with tears, and even though I needed to hear what I just did—so that I know to leave Cane alone because he’ll never do it himself—it hurts.
He wasn’t ever in this because of what he saw in me. He was in it because something inside of him is broken. And that brokenness makes him want to fix other broken things.
Broken things like me.
I turn, quickly running toward the front door and hoping that he doesn’t hear me. I don’t have shoes on, and I’m wearing his clothes, but it doesn’t matter. Because I can’t breathe right now, and I need to get away from here.
Because like I said … he’s never going to be the one to leave.
CANE
The sound of the door opening before it slams shut has me quickly stepping into the hallway to see who it is. Dread fills my gut, and somehow, I know it’s Harland running away.
I look at Cash, narrowing my eyes.
“If she fucking heard all the shit you just said, we’re fucking done,” I growl, my chest heaving. “I fucking mean it, Cash.”
Rushing toward the door, I slide my sneakers on as fast as I can before I rush outside. Instantly, rain hits my face, damn near turning me to ice because it’s barely above freezing tonight. Once I’m on the sidewalk, I spot her, running barefoot toward The Nest.
“Harland, wait!” I call out. “Your feet are going to get fucking frostbite!”
The party across the street is over, and though the driveway is still full of cars, the house is dark. It’s nearly two in the morning now. Everyone else is asleep besides me and Harland, apparently.
And my brother, who took it upon himself to show up in the middle of the night and tell me everything that was fucked up about me …
I expect her to run faster, but when her steps slow, she doesn’t turn around. The closer I get, the more I see her shoulders shake, and I walk in front of her, looking down.
She shivers. “I’m sorry,” she says, her voice a mere squeak. “I’m sorry I kept letting you try to fix me.” She sniffles. “I heard what your brother said, and he’s right. You can’t save everyone.” She looks down. “You can’t save me.”
Forcing her chin upward, I narrow my eyes. “Fuck Cash and whatever he said, Harland. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”
Her eyes study my face, and her eyebrows pull together. “I think he does though.” I shake my head in disagreement, but she continues, “He’s your brother. He knows you better than anyone.”
I love my brother. He’s been my best friend for most of my life, but right now, I fucking hate him.
Because in the morning, when Harland woke up in my bed, maybe she would have been ready to give us an actual chance.
Now that’s ruined. He filled her head with doubt and made her feel like she had done something wrong.
He took the chance away from us.
“Catch,” I rasp desperately, scared that if she walks away right now, I’ll never get to tell her how I feel, “I love you. I’ve loved you since Montana.” I cup her cheek. “Maybe I do have some guilt from when my dad died, but that doesn’t change the way I feel about you.”
Through tear-soaked lashes, she peeks up at me, and her lips curve down. I just blurted out that I loved her for the first time, and she only looks more fucking upset.
“We started out because I needed help financially for my prescriptions, and you stepped in, making a deal that I know you didn’t actually care about just so that you could help me,” she whispers sadly.
“And then … my dad died, and you were my rock.” She inhales shakily, silently gazing up at me like what she says next is going to hurt us both.
“I think your guilt has everything to do with it, Cane.” She wipes her eyes. “And I think deep down, you know that too.”
Reaching her hand up, she cups my cheek.
“You are one of the best people I’ve ever met.
You put everyone above yourself, and without you, I don’t think I would have ever gotten through the past few weeks.
” She speaks sadly, and I brace myself for impact, knowing she isn’t finished yet.
“But one day, if you don’t get to the root of why you’re always jumping in to save everyone around you, you’re going to resent people like me who let you do that.
” She stands on her tippy-toes, looking into my eyes.
“You’ve helped me way too much for me to let that happen.
” Her lips brush against mine, but only for a split second.
“So, I’m going to let you go now, Cane. Because I know you’ll never walk away from me on your own. ”
“Did you not hear what I said, Harland?” I’m mad now, nearly hating her in this second. “I love you. I fucking love you,” I spew quickly. “Don’t you get that? Don’t you fucking feel it too?”
Her lip trembles and she blinks, sending tears down her cheeks.
“If that’s true, then you’ll still love me once you figure everything out that you need to,” she whispers. “And if I still feel the way that I do right now after I get through this grief and come out on the other side … we’ll know.”
“What do you mean?” I blurt out, wondering what the fuck she’s even saying.
If she’s saying she loves me too, she should just fucking say it.
“I’m confused and lost right now, Cane,” she whispers.
“And so … you aren’t the only one who isn’t whole just yet.
And if we ever do give this a shot—if I can get over my fear of losing a little bit of myself to someone after years of convincing myself that it would take away from softball—well, then I’ll want to know my heart is healed.
” She swallows. “And I’ll want to know you aren’t carrying that guilt inside of you anymore too. ”
She kisses me once more before keeping her lips just a fraction of an inch from mine. “I’ve always believed that when something is meant to be in this life, it’ll happen, no matter how many detours it takes.” She exhales. “So, I’m going to go now, and I need you to let me.”
She steps back before I can answer and looks at me, her eyes broken.
The last thing I want to do is let her go right now, scared that if I do, I’ll never get her back.
Then again, she was never mine to begin with. Never has been.
Inside, I want to chase her. I want to throw her over my shoulder and carry her back to my bed and make her see how much I fucking love her until the sun comes up. But the look in her eyes tonight wasn’t the look of someone who wanted me to chase after her.
I put my hand on my chest, feeling like I’m having a fucking heart attack, but knowing instead, it’s just the feeling of my heart being ripped from my body as it walks away with her. I don’t want to spend time apart getting better; I want to get better together. I want to help her with her pain.
And that right there, I know, is part of the problem.