Chapter 39
I want to rewrite the past.
I growled as I pressed the sensors to the wires in one of the tunnels, feeling a sense of familiarity.
It had been four days since I’d learned about Monqilcolnen’s inner fire, and I was still…
Annoyed, I supposed that was what I felt.
It was difficult to put the emotion I was experiencing into a single word.
Leaning back against the opposite side of the service tunnel, I closed my eyes. I’d broken our agreement about sleeping in his room once a week. Monqilcolnen had to be upset. I missed him so badly.
If you had told me I would crave Monqilcolnen’s presence before this trip started, I wouldn’t have believed you in the slightest. It had been something I would’ve considered impossible, but everything had changed in a very short amount of time.
Monqilcolnen had dug under my scales and burrowed into my skin.
There would be no excising him from me without doing irreparable harm.
I needed to speak with him, and yet I didn’t, because the annoyed feeling remained. I didn’t want to injure him with callous words. Also, what exactly was I mad at him for?
Yes, he’d kept something from me—something important—but I hadn’t even known him then.
Monqilcolnen had made the best choice he could in the moment from his perspective.
From my viewpoint, I looked at the situation much differently.
I had been so alone and having Monqilcolnen would’ve ended my loneliness in an instant.
He would’ve given me a place to belong, which was something I’d always craved. He could’ve been my home.
With a deep breath, I forced myself to focus on the task at hand.
My work required my attention, and this issue with Monqilcolnen could wait.
I dragged the lighted tip of the sensor over the exposed wires, fixing the power surge NAID had detected.
It was slow work, but it consumed my thoughts as I tweaked and realigned, glancing at my screen resting in my lap.
Done, I moved onto the next task, and then the one after that, and the one after that until it was the middle hour and time for me to take my scheduled break.
I slid from the tunnels and smoothed my dark blue uniform.
I’d made plans with Urgg and Seth earlier, to make up for me missing our original lunch and ignoring them for the last four days.
We were to have lunch at Mistress Kel’yeena’s noodle shop, as usual.
Seth did love his predictability. I was glad he’d picked there because I needed the soothing familiarity.
The promenade was busy as usual, bustling with people who were shopping, eating, and simply walking around.
I weaved through the crowd, all while keeping an eye out for Monqilcolnen.
I wouldn’t put it past Urgg and Seth to set me up with seeing him when I didn’t want to.
The two of them might not know what had happened between Monqilcolnen and myself, but they had to be aware of the tension—pretty much everyone was.
Even Dilvonsil had pinged me to talk about it.
Monqilcolnen had been off and his xapher was concerned about us.
Pausing briefly, I shook my head. No, Seth and Urgg wouldn’t do that. They were my friends. They cared about me. Even Urgg, who’d been very smug about the two of us getting together, would never do that to me.
When I arrived, Seth and Urgg were sitting at our regular table.
Seth grinned when he saw me, and Urgg greeted me so boisterously that everyone glanced in my direction.
I squeaked, my shoulders rising and tail curling around my ankle.
I ignored the looks as best I could and headed straight to them.
Seth gave me a half-hug, and Urgg slapped my back.
“Greetings,” I told them, taking my seat.
“How are you?” Seth asked, eyes narrowing in obvious concern.
“Perfectly fine.”
Urgg chuffed. “I doubt that. Monqilcolnen has been moping around, according to Talvax. So if he’s miserable, it means the two of you are not together for some reason you’ve chosen not to explain. If you’re not together, how can you be fine? I’ve seen how you look at him.”
My tail strangled my ankle as I shook my head. “I’m not fine.”
“I thought not,” Urgg replied.
Seth leaned closer. “Talk to us.”
My eyes roved over them. They, plus Edith and Bobbinvoxlyn, were my family.
I wasn’t alone anymore. I took a deep breath and poured out my soul, telling them everything that had happened.
“I don’t understand my anger, but I wish Monqilcolnen had talked to me back then.
That he had decided to at least see if I would’ve been interested. ”
“He can’t go back, though,” Urgg said, scratching their belly. “Besides, you’re together now. What does it matter?”
“Because we would’ve been together back then and now,” I snapped.
“You want to change the past,” Seth replied, his voice low and quiet. He bobbed his head. “I get it. I’ve wanted to do the exact same thing many times, Wyn. So many times. But you can’t. It’s pointless to waste time on what might have been. The past can’t change, only the future can.”
I closed my eyes. He was right, but that didn’t alter how I felt.
Seth continued, “That doesn’t mean you can’t be upset, but right now you have to decide how upset you are or whether you and Monty can survive this secret.
Though calling it a secret seems a bit extreme.
He didn’t have to tell you. Though I get why you wish he had.
” He scrubbed his hair. “Damn, this is so confusing.”
It was, and I didn’t know what to say or feel.
The meal was a quiet affair. I spent most of it poking at my noodles rather than eating them.
After my break was over, I returned to my work, fixing items, reprograming, and all around making sure the ship ran efficiently.
But none of the tasks were enough to keep my thoughts from Monqilcolnen.
I wanted him so badly it was an ache at this point.
My eyes closed. This couldn’t continue.
The instant my duty was over, I walked toward the lift and asked NAID, “Where is Commander Monqilcolnen?”
“Commander Monqilcolnen is currently located in his quarters.”
I dismissed NAID and pushed the appropriate button. It was time I actually spoke to him, because at the end of all of this, I wanted him and I very much doubted that would ever change.
When I reached his quarters, I didn’t hesitate or ring the chime, but rather stepped inside.
Cincin looked up from her tree and let out a quiet meow in welcome.
She jumped down, waddling even more than usual, but she did not come and see me.
No, she went straight to the round dish next to her elaborate fountain and sat down before giving me a clear look.
Cincin wished to be fed. I patted her head, but I didn’t feed her, even though I felt guilty when she cried rather pitifully. I turned toward the bedroom, ignoring her sad meows and the rattling bowl. Monqilcolnen’s door was closed, which was unusual, and I paused outside when I heard a noise.
What if he has someone in there? I wondered.
Anger and possessiveness burned deep within me like lava coursing through my veins. No one else was allowed to touch Monqilcolnen. No one.
Forcing myself to take a deep breath in an effort to calm myself, I tried to think about it logically. Monqilcolnen had agreed to not fuck anyone else, and I trusted him. He wouldn’t do that to me.
The door slid open, and Monqilcolnen’s back faced me and his uniform was laid out on the bed like he’d just changed. He was alone, of course. I’d been foolish thinking that for even a moment, and yet it clarified my emotions for me.
Monqilcolnen was mine… or rather I wanted him to be one day. We were headed there. I would never willingly surrender him. I was keeping him. Not for a little while. Not for a couple years. No. I was keeping him for the rest of my life.
Without hesitation, I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around his trim waist. Mine. All mine.
I smoothed my black tunic down my frame. I personally had very little opinion on what I wore, but I looked well in black. And I needed that today.
Four days had passed without me even catching a glimpse of Wyn. I was attempting to give him space and time to process what I’d told him, but his absence had made me a hollow shell of myself—only he could make me whole once more.
I planned to seek him out and hope he was willing to at least speak to me, but I wasn’t sure if he would be or not. Nevertheless, I had to attempt it. I needed Wyn, and part of me was certain he was missing me almost as much as I was him.
Arms tugged me against another form, and I growled, muscles tightening. But a tail curled around mine, and I knew who it was with a single touch, allowing me to relax.
“Wyn,” I breathed, relaxing into him.
His face pressed into my back. I groaned at the feeling of him against me. I dragged my claws over his scales, loving the way his scales looked against mine. Wyn yanked me tighter to him, and I didn’t fight. Why would I? This was where I wanted to be. No, where I belonged.
“Wyn. Peace. You’re here.”
“I missed you,” he whispered.
My eyes slammed shut as liquid heat filled me. “I missed you.”
Wyn didn’t say anything more and simply held me. I remained silent as well, basking in his presence. Yes, we needed to talk, but we needed this closeness as well. I couldn’t even begin to guess how long we stood there in my bedroom, snuggling, before Wyn pulled back.
I turned around, needing to lay eyes on him. He looked the same as he always did, with a neat braid down the center of his head, white trousers, and a gray shirt. I cupped his elbows, rubbing my palms over the backs of his arms.
“We should talk,” I commented.
“Yes.”
“Do you want to sit?” I gestured to the bed, and he lifted his eyebrows with a small smile playing on his lips. It was perhaps not the best place to have a serious conversation. However, I didn’t want to wander out of my bedroom when I loathed to move from our current position.
“I’m not mad anymore, Monqilcolnen.”
“That’s nice,” I replied, unsure of what to say, which was new for me.
“I can understand why you did what you did. You were protecting me from yourself.”
“Yes.” I practically floated off the ground with the weight lifting off my shoulders. He understood.
“I’m not going to ask you to apologize.”
I appreciated that, because I wasn’t going to apologize. I was positive I’d done the right thing all those cycles ago.
“But I don’t agree with you or the choice you made, at all,” he said.
“What?” How could he not agree with me? It was the best, the only choice to be made back then.
Wyn held my face in between his palms. “I wish you’d told me, Monqilcolnen. We would’ve been together for cycles. Perhaps this was the best timing in the end, but I truly don’t believe it would’ve been as horrible as you made it out to be.”
“I never said we would've been horrible. Nothing with you could ever be horrible.”
He brushed a thumb over my cheek. “I also don’t think your inner fire was telling you to wait for my sake.”
My forehead furrowed. Why else would I have been forced to wait?
“I think it was protecting you,” Wyn said.
“I would have chosen you back then, three cycles ago, or even when I returned here. All you had to do was tell me, and I would’ve been right beside you, curious and seeking if we matched.
You only ever started to move toward me when you had some encouragement from me.
I think your inner fire was protecting you until you were ready.
Until you were sure of me. Not the other way around. ”
I shook my head, but my voice refused to cooperate.
“That’s not bad,” Wyn whispered. “I just wish the past could be changed, but it cannot. I will say, though, I am glad we’re together now.”
My throat was thick with something that refused to be named. I simply held my arms out, and Wyn stepped into my embrace, allowing me to hold him firmly against my chest.