Chapter 14
fourteen
. . .
Cage
“Yeah. We’d finally gotten a break, right?
” Hell, we’d practically lived together for four years.
We spent every night together. I was fairly certain that Presley Duncan was the only person on the planet that didn’t annoy me back then, and considering how much time we’d spent together, she should have gotten some sort of fucking medal.
She unzipped her coat, as the heat from the fire had warmed the space. When her hand slipped from mine, I missed it the second it was gone. This wasn’t smart, bringing her here. Talking about this shit. The past was in the past. It couldn’t be changed. The damage was done.
Not everyone got a happy ending.
I’d accepted that.
But sitting here with her, getting a taste of everything I didn’t have…
Everything I wanted…
It was like a sober guy planting his ass in an open bar.
It was a dumb fucking thing to do.
Once her coat was off, her fingers found my hand, tracing along my knuckles as if she’d missed the contact as much as I had.
“And then we didn’t get into one single grad school together.
” She shook her head at the memory, which was still pretty raw in my mind.
“I swear my mother somehow rigged it so that I miraculously got into Harvard, yet I didn’t get into one California law school, even though I was a damn resident of that state. ”
I chuckled. She’d been convinced her mother had that kind of reach, but I knew she didn’t.
She might have pulled some strings, getting letters of recommendation from senators and powerful people for her Harvard application, but they didn’t have the power to keep people from accepting her.
Not that it mattered. We both got into impressive programs. We should have been adults about it.
“I didn’t know it would be as tough as it was,” I admitted, my gaze moving out to the water. I remember being exhausted with my class load, and the time change and the distance was hard. We were flying back and forth whenever we could, and it was fucking tiring.
“I think your dad getting sick changed things, you know? We were already struggling, and then when we weren’t able to visit as often anymore, it all just felt impossible. Especially with you being a jealous ass,” she said.
“Oh, really? You scared the shit out of my lab partner my second year of vet school. I believe you threatened her.” I laughed, and it echoed around the yard.
“Please. She was asking for it,” Presley said, changing her voice to this dramatic high pitch. “Cage, I was hoping we could study later.”
“Nothing ever happened with Carmie Carson.”
“Yes. Carmie. I wanted to scratch her eyes out when I saw the way she hung all over you when we went to that happy hour that time I visited.”
“You were sitting on my lap at that happy hour. She just asked if I wanted to join her study group.”
“Whatever. I got a vibe from her. I trust my instincts. And you’re not one to talk. You scared the living shit out of poor Leo Wilson when you came charging at him like a freaking caveman.”
I winced at the memory. “I actually liked Leo, but I saw his hands on you, and I guess I just saw red. It was a bad time, you know? I was exhausted from school, and my dad’s prognosis didn’t look great when he first started chemo, and I felt like I was losing my girl, I guess.”
Her gaze softened as her fingers interlocked with mine.
“You were never losing me. And Leo’s hands were not on me.
I’d just slipped on the ice when you happened to come charging out of nowhere with your surprise visit.
And you were the one that thought we should take a step back from our relationship. ”
“We were fighting all the time. I was in a really dark place and struggling, and you were trying everything you could to keep us together. Flying to see me all the time when you were completely exhausted from school. Dealing with my moods and my jealousy because I couldn’t handle being away from you.
And then you started that fucking internship, and Wes was having you travel with him.
It just felt like too much at the time. My family was struggling, and my dad’s treatment took a toll on him.
We were all a mess. I know I did a lot of things wrong; I own that.
And I thought taking the pressure off would help, but it just made things worse.
The longer we went without seeing one another, the harder it was.
So, I ended it because I thought it would be for the best at the time. ”
Tears streamed down her pretty face. “I felt like you completely pulled away. Like I’d lost my best friend.
We were barely talking anymore, and Wes was always there, you know?
Waiting in the wings, I guess. And when you finally called after weeks and asked, I said that I was seeing him.
We’d gone to dinner a few times, but it was nothing serious.
I hadn’t even kissed him at that point. But I wanted you to be jealous and fight for me.
It was childish and stupid. I know that now.
” She shook her head and swiped at her cheeks.
“And I went the other way, didn’t I?”
“You said you were happy for me. You said you were just having fun and dating different women, and you thought this was better for us. And it hurt in a way I can’t even put into words.
So, I just focused on school and let myself pretend to be happy with Wes, and the relationship progressed.
But it was never like ours. It was different.
It looked good on paper, I guess.” A sarcastic laugh left her lips.
“He wined and dined me, but there wasn’t a friendship or any kind of passion because I’d already given my heart away. ”
“And then I called you on a drunken bender and broke down,” I said, closing my eyes at the memory.
“It had been months since I’d heard from you. I’d called and texted, but you’d stopped responding.”
“I thought you were happy. I thought he was better for you than I was at the time. I was fucked up over it. I tried to go on a few dates, but no one was you. No one compared.”
“What a mess we made of everything. Was that the night you met Gracie’s mother? I’ve done the math a million times in my head, and I feel like that phone call was when everything changed.”
I nodded and looked out at the water. “You said that things had gotten serious with Wes over the last few months. You told me that he’d just told you that he loved you, and you weren’t sure how you felt about it.
I asked if you were sleeping with him, and you said you’d slept with him for the first time the night before I called, and I knew I had no right to be mad.
I’d slept with two other women by that time.
Numbing myself and trying to forget you.
But I was so fucking crushed because I knew I’d fucked everything up. ”
“So you went out and met her that night, didn’t you?”
I nodded. “I’m not proud of how I handled things. I pushed you away and then blamed you for leaving.”
“I was miserable. I was trying to make myself love a man who was really good to me at that time. He wasn’t rejecting me the way you were.
He was older, and he felt like a safe place to land, I guess.
But the first time I slept with Wes, I locked myself in a bathroom afterward and cried for hours.
I missed you so much that it physically hurt. ”
“Fuck. We can’t change the past, and I wouldn’t change anything now because Gracie is the light of my life. I know I was meant to be her father. I just always thought I was meant to be the man who’d grow old with you, too.”
“I did, too. But I’m glad that you have your beautiful daughter, Cage.
It used to devastate me—thoughts of you with a child that wasn’t ours—but seeing you with her is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever witnessed.
It makes me think that all we’ve been through was worth it.
And I’d go through all of it again if it meant you got to be Gracie’s daddy. ”
Fuck me.
This woman.
She’d been the only woman who’d ever really understood me. The one I’d bared my soul to, and that hadn’t changed, had it?
“I would do it all again, too, but I’d do everything in my power not to hurt you.
It’s my one regret in life. Hurting you.
Losing you. I’ll never forgive myself for it, because in a way, I guess I don’t want to.
I know I lost the only woman I’ll ever love, and I accept it.
I own it. But I’ll carry it with me. Hell, that’s why you’re inked on my heart with my daughter.
Do you remember the day that we met? I mean, the actual date? ”
“June 23.” She shrugged as her bottom lip trembled. “It hits me hard every year because it’s still the day that goes down as the best day of my life.”
“It’s Gracie’s birthday. It’s the day my daughter was fucking born. The day the two most important girls came into my life. That’s why it’s inked beneath your names.”
“She was born on June 23?” Her voice shook, and a sob escaped her throat.
“Come here,” I commanded before pulling her onto my lap and wrapping my arms around her. Needing to feel her warmth. Needing to hold her and tell her how sorry I was for destroying us.
For all the pain I’d caused.
She settled against my chest and cried.
And I just sat there holding her.
Wishing I could turn back time.
Wishing things could be different.
She pulled back and looked up at me. “I shouldn’t have given up on you. I shouldn’t have married Wes or turned my back on you when you told me you were having a baby. I blamed you all these years, but I was the one who should have fought harder.”
I stroked her face. “You didn’t do anything wrong. It was all me. And I’m so fucking glad you’re here and that I can tell you everything. I hate that all these years have gone by without speaking to you because I’ve missed you, Raven.”
“I’ve missed you, too, Cowboy,” she whispered.
“Did I tell you the divorce is final?” she whispered. “I heard from Stew today. It’s all done.”
I pulled her hand to my lips, opening her palm and kissing her there. “How do you feel? It’s okay if you’re sad about it. You can talk to me.”
“I’m not sad about it. I’m relieved, which probably makes me a horrible person.”
“You don’t have a horrible bone in your body, Presley Duncan.”
“Thank you. I feel like I can finally move forward with my life in a way,” she said.
“You sure you don’t want to live a simpler life?
Move back to Cottonwood Cove and do pro bono law for a living?
” I asked with a chuckle, trying to keep my voice light when nothing about the question was light.
I wanted to know if she’d consider uprooting her life for me.
The guy who’d broken her heart all those years ago and didn’t deserve a second fucking chance.
But it didn’t stop me from wanting it.
She pushed up, settling one knee on each side of me as her dark gaze searched mine.
“I’ve got so many people relying on me now.
I’ve let my work become my sole purpose in life in a way, and it’s gotten me through the last few years when I didn’t want to see that my marriage was fractured.
And I never thought they’d make me partner this quickly.
It’s everything I’ve worked for.” She looked away for a few seconds before returning her gaze to me, a playful look taking over her face now.
“You know, New York City has some of the best schools in the country. Gracie would love it there. There’s so much to do.
And they need veterinarians in the city, too. ”
She was doing what I was doing. Trying to act like it was just a silly suggestion, having me and Gracie move out there, but I saw the way her breath hitched when the words left her mouth.
I saw the way she swallowed as she waited for a response, and fuck me if I didn’t want to give her what she was asking for.
Because she deserved everything she ever wanted.
But I had a child to think about. And our life was here.
“If I could, I would do it for you. But I have a practice, and my daughter has a life that I’ve worked hard to build for her here. She’s settled and happy, and she’s surrounded by family. I can’t just uproot her the way I wish I could if it meant being near you again.”
She bit down on her bottom lip, with that worry line prominent between her brows. “It’s ironic, really. We’re exactly where we were all those years ago, right?”
I sighed. “I guess we are. Living different lives on different sides of the country. But we’re smarter now. We aren’t going to mess things up the way we did back then. We won’t make promises that we can’t keep.”
“Agreed. But I’m here now. And what if we just enjoy this time together, knowing that it will come to an end when I leave? There won’t be any hurt feelings or unfulfilled expectations.”
My large hands covered each side of her face as I pulled her closer. “How would that work?”
“Well, we’re friends, right? I love spending time with you and Gracie, and I’d like to continue seeing both of you while I’m here. I want to know her, Cage. I need to know her.”
The sharpest pain hit my chest at her words. “I want you to know her, too.”
“Okay. Then I want to spend as much time with you both while I’m here as you’re willing to give me. And we can stay in touch when I leave.”
“Because we’re friends now.” My voice was gruff. Her mouth was so close that I could just lean forward the slightest bit and devour her.
“Cage,” she whispered as her gaze searched mine. “I need…”
“Tell me what you need.”
“I haven’t felt anything in so long, and I feel all of it with you. I know I’m leaving. I know this can’t go anywhere. But I just want one night with you. One night to feel good. To feel alive. To feel… you.”
Her words hit me hard.
Denying this woman had never come easy for me.
But this was different. Something inside me snapped.
And I was going to give her everything that she wanted.
Because this was something I could give her.
I could give her tonight.