Chapter 19 #2
He chuckled. “Yes. Having deficits doesn’t really work well for her.”
We’d never had a deep discussion about their marriage, and he never got involved in the arguments between my mother and me.
“Does that bother you? Her lack of tolerance for imperfection?”
He took a sip of his water before setting the glass back down. “I believe that most people’s strengths and weaknesses are one and the same. I was drawn to your mother for her drive and her demand for perfection, so I can’t fault her for it when it doesn’t fare well for me.”
“Sure, you can,” I said, as I used my hand to cover my laugh, and he smiled. “I mean, it’s okay for you to call her out when she’s acting irrationally.”
“Your mother makes no apologies for who she is. I knew it the day I married her, and I’ve known it every day since. We built a life together that I’m grateful for.”
“Really, Dad? You never wanted… more?”
His eyes widened. “More? We’ve got six homes, three companies, and more money than you or any of your future offspring you may or may not ever have will know what to do with. What more could I ask for?”
I dabbed at my mouth with my napkin before dropping it back into my lap. “There is more to life than material things. I’m not taking away from all you’ve built, because it’s amazing. But when I say more, I’m referring to love. An actual loving relationship.”
He studied me for the longest time before speaking.
“You’re more than aware that I grew up in a trailer park with an alcoholic mother and no father, Presley.
I earned a scholarship to Harvard, where I was suddenly surrounded by people who had a lot more than I’d grown up with.
I remember being fascinated by how relaxed they were with the daily things that had always caused me stress.
Like making sure I had a warm meal or gas in the car.
And I decided at that time that I was never going to be in a situation where I was hungry or cold.
I was going to work hard to make sure I accomplished that. ”
I knew all of this. My father was a self-made man, and that was the reason I’d wanted so desperately to make him proud. But that wasn’t what I was talking about.
“I love that you built all of this by working hard. But that’s not what I mean.
I’m talking about a happy, healthy relationship.
A home filled with love.” A lump formed in my throat because it made me feel ungrateful that I’d had so much growing up, yet there’d been something major missing from my perfect life.
And it made me feel and sound like a brat because I’d never known what it meant to be hungry or to be without a roof over my head… I wanted for nothing materially.
And I’d learned that it was easy to be annoyed by people with money who weren’t overflowing with joy. But the truth is, money didn’t buy happiness.
Only people who didn’t have money believed that was true.
Money only bought stuff, and sure, that was wonderful not to ever have to stress about finances. But it certainly didn’t mean that life was without hardships or sadness.
Money certainly didn’t fix loneliness either.
“I suppose it’s all about what’s important to you.
For me, this life, it’s what I’m most proud of.
Your mother is the reason that most of this was possible.
” He held his hands up to stop me from arguing.
“Your mother came from a wealthy family, you know that. And she saw something in me. Trust me when I tell you, she had every guy on campus chasing after her. But she saw this kid from the trailer park as more than he was. She believed in me when no one else did. She encouraged me to go on to law school when we first got married, and she encouraged me to start my investment business on the side. And on top of that, she gave me the greatest gift of all.”
My eyes watered as I listened because he’d never shared this with me, and I didn’t know why she should be getting so much praise for seeing what a great man he was, but it made me realize how much he truly loved her.
“What was that? When she encouraged you to buy this ranch?” I knew this was his happy place, and it wasn’t her favorite home to spend time in. It was the one thing I’d noticed that she did for him. She spent months here at a time because he loved it here.
His gaze softened, and he reached for my hand.
“No, Presley. She gave me you. I wanted a child, and she didn’t think she was cut out for motherhood.
But I knew I was meant to have a child, and I actually dreamed of you many times before you came into the world.
I would tell her about this little girl with blonde hair and dark eyes and big dreams.”
Tears slipped down my cheeks. It should sting hearing him say that she didn’t want me, but it didn’t. I knew my mother well enough to know she wasn’t someone with a burning desire to experience motherhood.
“So you forced her to have a baby?” I said as a sad laugh left my lips.
“No. She came to me one night and said she dreamed of you, as well. But she said she knew she wouldn’t be any good at it, so as long as I agreed to let her have help, she would agree to be a mother.”
I shook my head and smiled. It was so like my parents to discuss having a child as if it were a business decision. “It’s not like buying a car or a house, Dad. I’m an actual human being, and I know she can’t stand the woman I’ve become.”
His brows shot up with surprise.
Was he seriously surprised to hear this?
“I know who your mother is, Presley. She can be cold, and she’s stubborn and strong and set in her ways.
But when she looks at you… she is ridiculously proud of you.
She wishes she had the confidence to do exactly what she wanted.
Your mother didn’t love pageants at first; she just accepted it, as it was what her family expected of her.
But you… you have always beat to your own drum.
And I promise you on all that I know to be true—she admires you more than you know.
She once came to our bedroom after you two had argued when you refused to wear a dress and go to that last pageant she’d signed you up for, and she said these words to me…
” He paused to take a sip of water, and I waited for him to finish like he was going to tell me the secret to life.
“I’m sort of dying here. What did she say?”
“She said,” his voice softened, “‘our daughter has your ability to stand up for what she believes in. I may not agree with her choices, but I wish I had a little bit of that in me. But if you ever tell her I said that, I’ll deny it until my dying day.’”
“Why? Why deny it? Why not tell me that she admires it? Why not tell me that she doesn’t despise me?” I asked, my voice shaking as the words left my mouth.
“Because she is stoic and proud, and like I said, her strengths are her weaknesses. Just like all of us, right?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know about that. I don’t think your strengths are your weaknesses.”
“Sure, they are. I’m driven to a fault. I worked long after a doctor told me that I was at risk of a stroke. I ignored him. I thought I was bigger than any health scare. Being driven can be both a positive and a negative.”
I thought about his words. I could be stubborn when I wanted to be.
I was prideful to a fault, always trying to prove myself to my mother and to everyone around me.
Hell, I’d married a man I didn’t love because I wanted everyone to think I was okay after Cage and I had ended things.
I was guilty of trying to look perfect to everyone around me.
I’d been desperate to make partner at the firm so everyone would think I was smart enough, good enough.
“I’m glad you got a second chance to learn that you aren’t untouchable, Dad. That you have to take care of yourself, because I need you.” My voice cracked.
He squeezed my hand. “There are different types of happiness for each of us. I found mine. Your mother found hers. The question is, have you found yours?”
“I’m getting there. I’m glad to be out of a loveless marriage, and I’m going to find my new normal when I get back to New York. I know I’m damn good at my job, and I’m really proud of that.”
“I’m proud of you. You have nothing left to prove. All I want for you now is to be happy.”
“I’m working on it,” I said as I moved to my feet and wrapped my arms around his neck.
“What in the world is going on? Who died?” My mother’s voice startled me, and I turned around to see her standing in the dining room in a lavender skirt and suit jacket, looking at us like we were doing something completely inappropriate by hugging.
My father barked out a laugh. “We’re having a heart-to-heart. Didn’t your alien leaders teach you that that’s what humans do?”
“Are you drunk?” she asked, but her lips turned up the slightest bit in the corners. Was this their idea of flirty banter?
“Had I known you were coming home early, I might have had a cocktail.” He smirked.
“I thought you weren’t due back for a few days?” I asked as I took my seat again.
“Well, I heard your divorce was final, and I had to make sure you were keeping it together. I didn’t need you to distract your father from his treatment with all your drama.” She waved her hand around, and I saw it there in her eyes.
She was here because she wanted to make sure that I was okay.
That we were all okay.
And for the first time in my life, I saw my mother through a new lens.
And she wasn’t the devil from this view.
She was just an imperfect human, like the rest of us.