6. Jawaan
Several Days Later
"Can you tell your kangaroo mom that her heavenly scent is still lingering on your skin, Little Man?" I whisper while fighting the urge to nuzzle his little neck to absorb Zurmani's lingering fragrance.
If I hadn't just put him to sleep, I would have been all up in his submental space. According to the nurse, I had missed Zurmani by twenty minutes, which made me sad until Zurmani's perfume hit my nose while I was holding the baby.
"I'm gonna need your mother to give you a name because Little Man and baby seem so unfitting," I say, rubbing my hand gently up and down his back while he slumbers peacefully.
"Believe it or not, some babies aren't named until hours before their departure. This little guy might be the same way because his mother's health hasn't allowed her to even lay eyes on him," the nurse says, entering my one-sided conversation with the baby.
"Wow. I hate to hear that. No wonder he seems to be at peace when I hold him."
"Mhm. When you and Ms. Zurmani come, he gets some good rest. He tends to be fussy for about two hours after you two have left," the nurse says, frowning slightly.
My chest tightened upon hearing this information because I would have spent an entire day in this lounger if I had the availability. Like Little Man, my time here gives me so much peace that I hate leaving. Yet, I have no legal ties to this baby, and it could look highly suspect if I camped out at his bedside. The last thing I need someone to think is that I'm following in Sheryl and Zack's footsteps.
Hell, if the hospital knew my past, they probably wouldn't even allow me anywhere near this floor.
My stomach sours at the thought when an unwanted memory invades my mind.
"Either you fuck me, or I'll tell all those fast-ass girls calling you who you really are. I'll also make sure you're banned from every hospital in the city because someone like you could be a liability," Rema threatens, snarling with her hands on her bare waist.
My chest pinches from the venom pouring from Rema's lips because I mentioned to her an interest in doing volunteer work at a hospital. After spending time shooting hoops with some of the neighborhood kids, the last thing I feel like doing is having sex. Yet, what choice do I have? My past isn't something I ever want people to learn about me.
"Come on, but I ain't down with you trying to blackmail me because you want my dick, man." Pulling my shirt over my head before dropping it on the floor, moving quickly to push my shorts and underwear down.
"Whatever. I thought you would see it my way. Keep giving me this dick, and we won't have any problems," Rema says while climbing in my lap and connecting our bodies.
"Are you okay?" the nurse asks, causing me to open my eyes, not realizing I had closed them.
"Yeah. Why do you ask?" My voice is low and unsteady as I attempt to get myself together.
"Y-you're crying," the nurse whispers before handing me a couple of tissues.
Shit! Rema fucking Gardner.
An Unknown Time Later
Journal Entry #3
Despite attending my first counseling session, my mind is on a constant loop of warring thoughts and emotions. Rema went from teaching me ways to comfort me to blackmailing me to continue fucking her. At some point, I stopped protesting and let myself enjoy the opportunity to fuck a woman whose pussy should have never been an option. I'm kicking myself for traveling down memory lane while in mixed company. To make matters worse, I was holding Little Man, and he was going through enough without me shifting his peace. I got out of dodge quickly because I never wanted to be the reason Little Man's energy was thrown off.
My instantaneous connection and protective nature with a child I didn't contribute to creating baffles me. Yet, unrelenting love dances in my heart every time I'm in Little Man's presence, and it's an unexplainable phenomenon I have never felt before. I cherish the opportunity more than my next breath, though. What's crazier is the feelings developing for the toffee skin bombshell who's also chosen to focus her attention on said child. I'm a broken man undeserving of being in Zurmani's presence b...
Brrng. Brrng.
The ringing of my phone halts my journal entry, and I grab my phone. A smile forms upon seeing Mama Lo's name on the screen.
"To what do I owe the pleasure of this call, Mama Lo?" I greet after answering my phone.
"I miss you, Jawaan," a sweet, nurturing, familiar voice says, causing my heart to race, and I hang my head from the conviction I feel.
"Forgive me for catching you off guard, but Aretha and I have been praying for you. I felt you needed to know that I'm not the only person standing in the gap for you. Aretha has known you longer than I have, and she cares just like I do," Mama Lo softly expresses.
My eyes glisten with unshed tears while processing Mama Lo's words because I have been moving in silence with more than just Kyce and Kayshon. A boulder-size lump enters my throat, preventing me from speaking, and the water I'm fighting to contain slips from my eyes when Ms. Aretha starts talking.
"For the Lord God is a sun and shield. The Lord will give grace and glory. No good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly," Ms. Aretha says.
"I'm not walking?—"
"O Lord of hosts, Blessed is the man that trusteth in thee," Ms. Aretha continues, cutting off my objection to her quoting this particular scripture before Mama Lo enters the conversation.
"Sometimes it's difficult to see ourselves how God sees us. Nevertheless, you can take Him at His word," Mama Lo says.
Wiping my face, I take a couple of breaths to regain my bearings and communicate without the evidence of being overwhelmed by the things my mother figures are sharing.
"Th-thank you both. I love y'all," I express, pushing out the words over the clog in my esophagus.
God, while I don't understand what you're doing... thank you for providing me with the motherly love these two women give me selflessly.
Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding.
My phone starts pinging with notifications, pulling me from the TV where an episode of FBI is playing. My brows instantly furrow at seeing the flood of text messages in the group chat between Kyce, Kayshon, and me.
Kyce:
I'm not feeling this separation you're putting between us, bro.
Kayshon:
I second that. What's up with you, little nigga? It ain't like your ass to go ghost on us. Where is Cleo? I know she misses us even if your moody ass is pretending to be straight.
Kyce:
Nah, you know Cleo is wherever he is on the same type of time his ass is on.
Kayshon:
See, now Jawaan is gonna have us at the altar on Sunday repenting over cussing and shit.
Kyce:
You know you ain't gotta wait until Sunday to get right, right Kayshon? If so, I'm gonna have to let Pastor Reece know you need more time in the new members' classes.
Kayshon:
Kyce, you're a snitch. But for real... hit us up, Jawaan. This shit ain't like us.
Kyce:
Look, Jawaan, while we understand you might be going through something, don't forget that Kayshon and I love you. No matter what... the three of us will always be brothers.
The text messages from Kyce and Kayshon in our group chat caused my chest to tighten from the impact of my brothers' words. Unable to formulate a response, I closed out of the group text. Dialing an unfamiliar number, I held my breath when the ringing sounded in my ear.
"H-hello," a heavenly and familiar voice answers after four rings, instantly filling my stomach with swirling butterflies.
"Did I catch you at a bad time?"
Zurmani declined my invitation to grab something to eat when we were together at the NICU but gave me her phone number in an unexpected turn of events.
"Who is this?"
"Wow. I didn't realize how much it would hurt to be unknown to the woman I was sharing a baby with. You wound me, Tigress."
"Oh hey, Jawaan," Zurmani says, causing a goofy grin to slide into place.
Zurmani's low, sultry, and angelic voice penetrates my ears in the best way, instantly removing the heavy feelings I'm experiencing after reading the messages from Kyce and Kayshon.
"Well, damn. How many men are you sharing a kid with that you didn't know it was me?"
Zurmani laughs, and the sound has my dick twitching while my heart sputters like a car in need of a battery.
"Sorry, but in my defense, it's been days since you've used my number and your number isn't saved in my phone. You should feel special because I usually let unknown callers go to voicemail."
"You're hell on a man's ego, girl. You are lucky you're cute, and I have a few hours to talk to you or..." I say, purposely letting my words trail off.
"Oh, I'm sooo honored to be given time to shoot the breeze with you, oh busy one," Zurmani sarcastically replies, and a low chuckle escapes my mouth.
This is just what I needed because this woman has changed my disposition in a matter of minutes.
"So, how's your day been? Have you seen the baby? I think he's getting a little bigger. Do you?" Zurmani asks, sounding blissfully happy and fully alive, deepening my grin.
My mood suddenly becomes buoyant when Zurmani mentions Little Man because I can talk about his little self for hours. Having the ability to discuss him with Zurmani is wonderful because it feels like we're co-parenting and discussing the new development of our child. No one connected to me is aware of my volunteering or bonding with a baby, so I love the idea of Zurmani and I creating this relationship of shared experience.
"It's been a great day because I spent some time with Little Man earlier. Since he smelled like you, I know you were there today, too. I can't tell if he's changing in size, though," I say in a lighthearted tone.
"I was. I can't help it. If I could, I would be there all day, but these bills won't pay themselves, so I got to punch the work clock."
See, Zurmani and I are on the same page, which is crazy because Little Man ain't our child.
"I feel you on that. He's a good baby," I mention.
"He is. Oh, if you don't mind, can we take a minute to pray for his mom?" Zurmani asks.
Keep it up, Zurmani, and I'm gonna figure out how to convince you to marry me.
"Of course we can. You want me to pray, or do you want to?"
Thanks to Mama Lo, I don't have any issues with praying in Zurmani's presence because she gave me the confidence necessary to talk to God without limitations.
"I'll go and then leave the floor open in case you want to add anything when I'm done," Zurmani says.
"Bet." Bowing my head, I clear my thoughts of everything but Little Man and his mother when Zurmani begins praying.
"Father, in the name above every name, Jawaan and I come before your throne of grace on behalf of Little Man and his mother. While we don't know what's going on with his mother's health, I ask that you would touch her body."
"Yes. Do it, God," I add.
Hearing Zurmani speak firmly while praying for the woman neither of us has had the pleasure of meeting fills me with warmth, gratitude, and an unexplainable sense of pride. While I can't understand why God has me providing care for Little Man, I appreciate Him allowing me to be in the right place at the right time.
This was the perfect way to shift not only my thoughts but also my mood. I'd be able to sleep with ease after this.
"We could have left that motherfucker with those people had I known he would look like the man you cheated on me with. How the hell am I gonna explain those light eyes his little ass has, Jennifer? I thought God was working in my favor the day you called to tell me the hospital couldn't find your bastard baby. Here we are five years later, putting our lives on hold. Meanwhile, we sent my daughter to live with relatives so that boy can get accustomed to us."
"I'm sorry, Jared. What do you want me to do? I've been trying to balance your needs with his, but he's my child," Jennifer counters.
"No, the fuck you haven't, or we wouldn't be having this discussion. Now I'm sick of this shit. Either find a way to get him out of here, or I'm out of here," Jared aggressively warns.
Jumping up, I look around my room in a daze, and my heart hammers in my chest, causing me to be out of sorts. Grabbing the water bottle on my nightstand, I take a healthy drink, and the liquid instantly soothes my dry throat. The conversation I overheard between Jennifer and Jared is one I have never shared with anyone. While I understand why Jared was never able to connect with me, it doesn't excuse why Jennifer chose Jared over me. No amount of separation should have given her reasons to allow Jared to push her into rejecting her child. Jennifer's inability to fight for or defend me has me suffering from rejection and abandonment.
"After a powerful prayer from Zurmani provided me with such a light feeling, why is this memory surfacing? Dang, man. My life has been one conundrum after the other, and you want me to push through like the void in my chest doesn't exist," I vent, looking Heavenward.
Yes, because I am the Lord, and I will be close to you in the midst of your brokenhearted and crushed spirit. So be strong and courageous! I will neither fail you nor abandon you.
Tears form before slipping from the corners of my eyes because no one knows the things and storms I'm battling when my mind becomes idle.
When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shall not be burned. Neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.
My shoulders bounce heavily when the emotion clogging my throat comes out in a wail I'm no longer able to contain.
"God, please. I'm trying, but this is a lot for me to carry," I cry.
Oh, Jawaan Emmanuel, even your name confirms my commitment to you. I, the Lord God, am with you. There is no valley low enough where I can't reach you.