8. Jawaan
The Next Day
"I'm happy to see you here today, Jawaan. When you weren't on my schedule, I assumed you had changed your mind about therapy."
"Nah, I've been busy finding other ways to cope with life, so my time has been limited. However, I want to put forth the work necessary to be whole."
"I'm glad to hear that. Tell me what's been going on lately," Letitia says, crossing her left leg over her right before readying her pen.
My mind automatically shifts to the doe-eyed woman with stylish frames, full natural curls, and an irresistible smile. Seeing Zurmani at the restaurant last night gave me an answer to what led to my detouring the semi-full parking lot for the eatery. I had left my house to drive around the city without a destination before something told me to go inside the restaurant. The lame dude sitting across from Zurmani wearing a plaid suit jacket with bug eyes had me shaking my head. The longer I stood at the restaurant entrance watching their exchange, the more my mind shouted for me to save Zurmani. When the old-school song by Karen Clark Sheard invaded my thoughts, my feet moved on their own accord.
"Is it possible to fall in love with a woman you know is too good for you?" I ask.
My mind has been wrestling with the notion of my being in love with Zurmani since noting the lack of her perfume on Little Man's body. I'm about as addicted to Zurmani's fragrance as I am to the new baby scent that invades my nostrils the second I hold Little Man.
"Anything's possible. Tell me about her," Letitia requests, shifting my thoughts back to the present conversation.
A boyish grin, which I'm unable to prevent, upturns my lips, and my pulse increases when Zurmani's image flashes in my mind. For the next fifteen minutes, I go through the ordeal of how and where I met Zurmani. A small smile forms on Letitia's lips while recanting what's been going on with me lately.
"The bright shift of your countenance while talking about Ms. Zurmani reminds me of how my husband looks when speaking about me," Letitia notes.
"Was your husband also terrified of pursuing her because he worried the stains within his past could cause her pain?"
The memory of me sitting in the hotel in Columbus seconds from ending my life shoves the image of Zurmani out of the way, instantly dampening the exhilaration I was feeling. Deciding to live meant I would never speak about what I was about to do. No one but me and God will ever know, yet the memory of it has me unsure if I want to involve Zurmani in the disdain I often find myself dealing with.
"Jawaan, the stains of your past can only harm those you love if you let them. I think you're doing the right thing by coming here to allow me to assist you with processing the things that trouble, pain, and frighten you. Putting in the work with me will guarantee your ability to live a fruitful life full of the love you deserve," Letitia says.
"Hm. Rema's ass often told me I deserved to be loved too, but usually, it was after I finished fucking her into submission," I admit, frowning.
"I can tell by the look on your face there's a story to accompany your statement. Let's work through it, then I'll provide my analysis."
"This is something I haven't shared with anyone, including my brothers, so please don't mention it to them, all right?"
"Unless the three of you are having a joint session, I will never discuss what happens during our individual sessions."
Sighing, I nod, disconnecting our eye contact when a deep sense of shame spreads through my body as the memory makes its way to the forefront.
"By the age of thirteen, I could fuck a woman like a man twice my age, thanks to Rema. One night, Rema woke me out of my sleep before guiding me to the room, which she said was our special place. My young ass had no clue what I was about to participate in but seeing her in the black silk robe she often wore when dealing with me, my dick had me following without complaint. In the room, everything was routine at first, but then Rema put a blindfold covering my eyes," I relay, and my breathing becomes choppy the more I speak, yet I'm too caught up in the memory to stop talking.
"Do you need a minute, Jawaan?" Letitia's question is faint, and I continue without acknowledging or answering her.
"My senses seemed to heighten without the presence of my sight, and feeling Rema's warm mouth on my dick kept me in the moment. I never knew anyone else was lurking in the room until someone gripped my ass, separating my cheeks. I thought Rema might have had one of her friends join in for a surprise threesome, so I didn't attempt to stop the person. Rema didn't allow me to focus on them anyway because she had my dick hitting the back of her throat, and the sensations had me nearly dizzy. Then I felt the unknown person's tongue invading the surface of my anus. I damn near fell from the warmth of the invasion when the person began eating my booty like groceries. That fucking song will never get any playtime on my radio ever in this lifetime because of what happened that night." My voice trails off when my blood becomes volcanic, causing my hands to ball into tight fists.
Closing my eyes, I bite the fuck out of my lip, yet the image invading my mind has me opening them quickly before standing and stomping around Letitia's office. I can feel Letitia watching me, but I need a minute to calm myself.
"Ja—"
"That night, Humphrey violated me, and I only found out when Rema removed the blindfold after positioning my dick in her pussy. Humphrey was fucking her ass while she had me fucking her pussy."
"Di-did he have sex with you?" Letitia hesitantly asks.
"No. He only licked and sucked my ass before Rema told him to stop. I didn't know and have held this since I was thirteen. After that incident, I was fucking girls for sport just to prove to myself that I wasn't struggling with my sexuality. Hell, I only recently stopped sticking my dick in every pussy that winked in my direction." My vision becomes blurry when an intense pain hits my chest, bringing an abundance of tears.
My back hits the nearest wall, and my shoulders bounce uncontrollably as I can no longer hold myself up.
"H-how will I get Zurmani to fall in love with me knowing a nigga once had his way with me? I see a future with that woman," I cry.
I would have been cool with learning how to fuck at ten, but Rema took away my ability to appreciate any form of sex. Blindfolding me, knowing she was about to have Humphrey treat me like a piece of meat, was the most diabolical thing I have ever known.
"After that incident, I wouldn't agree to have sex with Rema, which she allowed until Humphrey died the year later. Then she took my decision yet again when she started blackmailing me. How in the fuck does God allow Satan's imps to win like that? Rema had me concluding that he didn't exist until recently." My voice is hoarse, and my eyes are unable to focus on Letitia or anything else in the room.
Fatigue hits me suddenly, and the need to sleep off the things I uncovered rests heavily within my limbs. Chills threaten to cause my body to shake, and my heartbeat becomes sluggish the longer I lean against this wall.
I gotta get out of here, man.
"I can see that you are not only processing but are seconds away from fleeing from this office. While I understand your ability to self-preserve, I can't let you leave like this," Letitia advises like she has a microscope in my brain.
My lips deepen into a frown, and my brows furrow before I swipe at the water, leaving my eyes as if a fly were hovering in front of my face.
"No disrespect, Letitia, but you can't make me stay. I'm past my limit of sitting with these fuck ass emotions. I gotta get out of here, man."
"Fine, but don't go home. Either call your lady and have her meet you somewhere or go spend time with the miracle God has allowed you to meet."
Zurmani's smiling face while holding Little Man pops into my mind, causing my heart rhythm to slowly return to normal.
"Fine."
"Oh shit! You didn't tell me you had a dog, Jawaan," Zurmani panics, jumping into my arms when Cleo comes running from the back of the house.
Laughter escapes my mouth while tightening my hold on Zurmani's slim-thick body because she caught me off guard. While I didn't ignore Letitia's suggestion completely, I chose to amend it because I didn't want to be anywhere but home. Visiting Little Man would ordinarily be my go-to option, but I'm serious about allowing him to absorb any of my negative feelings.
"Oh, I guess we should have prayed for a woman to catch your attention a long time ago," Kyce says when he and Kayshon walk through the door that I hadn't had a chance to shut yet.
Damn. Busted.
"Thanks for giving this nigga a temporary distraction, sis. His ass has been ducking and dodging us too long," Kayshon says before I have a chance to respond to Kyce.
Looking down, I look into Zurmani's curious eyes when her gaze bounces between Kyce, Kayshon, and me.
"Let me introduce y'all rude asses. These are my brothers, Kyce and Kayshon, Tigress," I say with Zurmani still in my arms.
"Wow. Hold that thought," Kyce responds, removing his phone and dialing before a familiar female voice picks up.
"What, Kyce? I thought you were going to spend some time with Kayshon so Ashari and I could bond," Masani aggressively says.
"Hush up, woman. I'm calling to tell you that your labor has not been in vain. Jawaan has been bitten. Bring sis so y'all can meet the new addition to the family," Kyce announces, smiling.
"Oh my," Masani says before the phone shifts, and her voice becomes distant, leaving me to assume she's talking to Ashari.
"Aye. None of y'all are welcome. We have plans, so get out," I say before Masani can return to the phone. "Cleo... home." I place Zurmani on her feet when Cleo hangs her head, walking off, and I get Kyce and Kayshon out the door.
"Damn, little bro. It's like this," Kayshon jokes with a goofy grin.
"Look, y'all are interrupting me and my company. I promise I'll come over soon," I say.
"Tomorrow, or we'll pop up over here every day," Kyce warns.
"Nigga, if you're trying to get some ass before we have a family reunion, just say that," Kayshon whispers.
"Fuck you," I reply, shoving him and Kyce out the door before slamming it shut, sighing when the sound of their laughter fills my ears.
"So, those were your brothers?" Zurmani asks with her left brow hiking when my eyes meet hers.
"Until God calls us home, it'll be the same. Come on," I urged, taking her hand and leading her toward my finished basement.
"Uno!" Zurmani shouts.
"Your pretty ass is cheating, Tigress."
To avoid spending all the time I have with Zurmani watching movies, I talked her into playing games.
"No. You're just a sore loser, Jawaan. Besides, I'm a guest, and you should try to do whatever is necessary to ensure I have a good time here."
Before leaving the parking lot of Letitia's office, I called Zurmani and invited her to hang out with me on a whim. I damn near had to recite the ten commandments before she agreed after telling me that sex wouldn't be on the menu. What Zurmani doesn't know is that I want to give her the title of mine before we cross those lines. However, I'm hoping today will be the day that happens because I want a woman to be my lady and not a notch on my bedpost for the first time in my life.
"In case I forget later, thanks for spending a portion of your evening with me."
"No problem. I would have just been home scrolling through social media or yapping with my girlfriends."
"Oh, then I'm honored to be your better option. How was work today?"
"Uneventful. What about yours?" Zurmani says, slamming her last card, causing a low chuckle to escape my lips.
"We need to find another game because I'm not feeling this one anymore."
"That's because you're a sore loser. One more hand, and I promise I'll let you win," Zurmani teases, leaning over and pinching my cheeks while grinning.
Damn, I fucking love you, Zurmani.
My heart stutters and my eyes freeze while I take in Zurmani's beautiful face. I noticed for the first time that her hair had been pulled up off her neck. I'm unsure how I missed it because Zurmani's hair usually flows in noticeable natural curls every time I see her.
"You have your hair pulled up?" I quiz, blinking slowly.
"Mhm. I normally wash it on Sundays, but didn't feel like it when I got home yesterday."
"Hm. You're beautiful either way, but I will admit that I love your hair loose. It somehow forces everyone to take note of your features along with the enhancing yet entrancing effect your glasses provide," I compliment while gazing into her eyes, which seem to shine brighter from my words.
"Th-thank you."
Nodding, I stare at her until my dick twitches in my pants, forcing me to break the connection if I plan to honor the no-sex directive Zurmani gave before coming over.
Focus, Jawaan. Title before Trojan, remember?
"What do you like to do for fun?" I ask, smiling from the statement echoing in my mind.
"I'm a simple wo?—"
"Nah, you're far from a simple woman, Tigress. It's cool, though. I'm gonna fill your life with some adventure."
"Oh really? How do you assume you'll have a chance to do so?"
The challenge in Zurmani's eyes has a low chuckle leaving my lips and I nod before enlightening her on my stance.
"Your yes today meant that spending time with me doesn't make you want to run for the hills. It also means that I have effectively changed your mind despite the energy you gave me after busting up your first non-date. I'm already on the winning side, Tigress. The stage for adventure is already being set. Are you dealing, or am I?"
Got her!
My conscience screams when Zurmani's eyes twinkle with merriment as she wordlessly picks up the cards before shuffling them, providing me with a nonverbal response.