18. Gabby
18
Gabby
I slouch in the passenger seat of Alex’s car, upset with myself. What was I thinking accepting some random guy’s offer for a date? Okay, he wasn’t totally random, but clearly, I should’ve gotten to know him better before agreeing to dinner. Still, I was just trying to keep Alex at arm’s length. I can’t believe how much my plan backfired. I chew on the inside of my cheek, not knowing whether to laugh or cry at this ridiculous situation.
Alex gets behind the wheel of his SUV and starts up the engine.
“If I didn’t say it before, thank you for coming to my rescue.”
His only response is a curt nod, making me feel even worse. The atmosphere inside the vehicle is heavy and the ride remains silent until I notice he makes a left turn instead of a right, leading us away from our intended destination.
“Umm…” I pipe up. “Did you forget I left my car at the restaurant? ”
“Nope.” The one-word answer has such acidity to it.
“Are you okay? Where are we going?” If this were anyone else, I’d be worried, but just like the night he took me to count the stars, I trust him with all my heart.
“Need to blow off some steam and you’re coming with me.” He keeps his eyes focused on the road and a death grip on the steering wheel.
I rest back in my seat and look out the window. If we stay on this street, we’ll eventually merge with the main road that leads to the beach. A few minutes later, we arrive at the lookout spot we sat at several weeks ago. The SUV is barely in park before Alex jumps out and starts pacing the gravelly terrain.
“Alex, are you okay?” I call out as I climb out of my seat. I cautiously approach him, careful not to misstep in these ridiculous heels Michelle loaned me.
“No!” he snaps. “I am not okay. I’m confused. From the moment I met you, I have felt like there has been something between us.”
“I—”
“Let me finish,” he cuts me off. “The least you can do is give me a chance to finish my thoughts.”
I snap my mouth shut and nod for him to continue. Fresh tears prickle behind my eyes. I’ve never seen Alex look so lost, so disheveled. It kills me to think that I’m the cause of it and why.
“I’ve come to your rescue countless times in the pouring rain and snow when you’ve locked your keys in your car. When your condo flooded, I gladly gave up my bed for you. Hell! I’ve even sung to your bashful bladder. I have been very open about my feelings for you, Gabby, and call me crazy, but I’ve always felt like you have feelings for me too. ”
Heat creeps up my face. It’s been so hard to deny my pull toward him and I can’t… I can’t lie. Not to the man who’s become my best friend. To the man I’ve denied loving.
“I know you claim you don’t want to be with me because of the amount of women you heard I’ve been with, but how many times have you seen me with someone else?”
“Umm…never,” I say sheepishly. I’ve always relied on the rumor mill to be my excuse and I’m not proud of that. But let’s face it, it suited my needs—my reason not to date Alex.
“I swear, you’re trying to sabotage whatever we can have.” Alex stops pacing. “I’m done skirting around this question. I want answers and I think after what happened tonight, I deserve the truth. Why are you doing this? Why are you not allowing us the chance to find out what it is we have between us?”
An internal war ignites within me. Alex has been so sincere and he’s right; there is something between us. I tried my best to ignore him when I first moved in, but the pure joy I get from spending time with him has such a magnetic pull. He brings me peace, a sense of belonging, and comfort. It’s so hard to do this, but he deserves to know the truth. I owe him that much.
“I lost them.” My voice comes out in a whisper and is drowned out by the waves crashing against the shore. I don’t know if I have the strength to repeat my words, but I can tell Alex didn’t hear me.
“What?” He takes a step closer to me.
“I-I lost them,” I say again a little louder. God, this hurts so much.
“Lost who?” Another step closer and we’re standing toe to toe.
“I can’t do this.” I can’t talk about them. If I do, I’ll have to relive that night and I’m not strong enough for that. I look down at my feet, but Alex places his hand under my chin and lifts it up so I’m looking straight at him.
“You need to,” he says with a mixture of gentleness and sternness in his voice. “I think I’ve proven to you that I’ll stick by your side no matter the issue. Whatever it is, you can tell me. No more secrets.”
Secrets. I never thought of my omissions as secrets before, but I suppose that’s just what they are. A pang of guilt hits me. If anyone deserves to hear the truth, the reason why I try not to get too close to anyone, it’s him. Not even Michelle or Aly know what I’m about to tell Alex.
“I’m going to ask you again.” He grabs my hand and splays it against his chest. The forceful beating of his heart begins to subside as his anger is replaced with compassion. “Who did you lose?”
“Everyone I ever loved.” I barely get the words out before I burrow my face into his chest and begin sobbing. He holds me and lets me cry all while lovingly rubbing my back. My initial tears turn to complete wails. My body quivers and my knees feel weak. I know I’d be a heap on the ground if it weren’t for Alex supporting me. I’ve been bottling these emotions up for far too long and now I can no longer control them.
I have no idea how much time has passed, but when I calm down enough to peel myself away from Alex’s tear-stained shirt, I realize the sun has already set.
“I soaked your shirt.” I place my hand on his chest. It feels like he just pulled his clothes out of the washing machine and put them on. “I didn’t mean to do that.”
“It’s fine.” He motions to a nearby bench, and we sit down next to each other. I shift as close to him as possible. Feeling him near brings me a sense of calm even though I’m nowhere near done with my turmoil for tonight .
“I-I was sixteen. I had just gotten my driver’s license and was loving the freedom, you know?” I look at him for confirmation.
“I get that. When I was sixteen, I thought I was a full-fledged adult and no one could stop me from making dumbass decisions.”
“Exactly.” I give a sad smile. “Anyway, there was this group of girls that were really popular and for some reason, I always wanted to be like them. You know, the whole grass is greener thing?”
Alex gives a nod, then grabs my hand and squeezes it.
“My life wasn’t bad or anything. As a matter of fact, it was pretty amazing. I had my parents and my sister, Mari—she was fourteen. We were so close. She was my best friend, but things changed when I went to high school and she was still in middle school. I felt like I was too cool to be around her and we began to fight a lot.” I pause, realizing that my thoughts are all over the place. “Anyway, some of the popular girls from school were throwing a party and, to my surprise, they invited me. I was so excited, I felt like this was my moment, my chance to get in with the popular kids, you know?”
“Sounds like a typical teenager,” Alex agrees.
“Yeah, I guess so.” I fidget with Alex’s hand for a moment. “It was a school night and I knew my parents wouldn’t allow me to go. So I made the decision to sneak out of our apartment. Mari and I shared a bedroom and she begged me not to go, but I waited until she fell asleep and snuck out anyway.”
I push down the lump forming in my throat because that night, I betrayed my sister, my best friend.
“I went to the party,” I continue. “It was lame and I realized that these so-called popular girls were just regular people that I idolized for some ridiculous reason. Suddenly, I had a strong urge to be back home with my family. I decided to leave, but when I got to my car, I realized I had locked my keys inside.”
I look up and out toward the ocean. God, I hope they are okay. I feel Alex give my hand another squeeze and realize I stopped talking.
“Some neighbor of one of the girls came out and managed to break into my car. By then, I had been gone for several hours. I started heading back home, but when I turned the corner to our apartment complex, I noticed a ton of smoke and emergency vehicles everywhere.”
Alex audibly sucks in a breath. I have no doubt that he of all people knows what’s coming next.
“My family—we…we weren’t poor, but we didn’t have a lot either. The building we lived in wasn’t the greatest. The landlords cared more about making money than the safety of their tenants. It’s believed that the fire started on the floor below my family’s. Someone left a candle burning too close to their curtains. The building wasn’t up to code and the smoke alarms didn’t work. The-they—”
Queasiness washes over me as I fight to finish my story.
“E-eleven people passed away that night. My mom, dad, and s-sister. I lost them all.” For the first time since starting my story, I look up at Alex. The sun has fully set, but the moonlight reflecting off the ocean provides enough light to see his face. His eyes are filled with sadness, compassion, and love.
“Gabby, I’m so sorry.” He brushes a piece of my hair away from my face.
“I should’ve been with them,” I say. “If I hadn’t locked my keys in my car, I could’ve warned them, gotten them out—and the others too. It’s my fault.”
“No!” The tone in Alex’s voice makes me jump. “No. It’s not your fault. You did not start the fire and if you had been home, you probably would’ve died too. ”
“But maybe I would’ve survived and been able to wake everyone,” I argue.
“How? You said it yourself: the smoke detectors weren’t functional.”
“But—”
“No buts.” Alex shakes his head. “I’m so deeply sorry that you had to go through something like that and especially at a young age, but did it ever occur to you that you locked your keys in your car for a reason? You weren’t supposed to be there that night, Gabby. You were meant to live.”
“Meant to live?!” I jump up from the bench. “Why? So I could be spared and tortured for the rest of my life? The apartment complex was torn down and the city replaced it with a flower garden. A fucking flower garden with a cheap plaque remembering the victims. I purposely drove fifteen minutes out of the way to work just so I could avoid passing the area. I stopped going downtown because I couldn’t bear to be near the restaurant where my dad was a sous chef. I accepted a job at the worst hospital in the city because I couldn’t bring myself to step foot in the nicer one where my mom worked. I wanted to be a nurse and follow in her footsteps, but I wasn’t prepared for the burn victims. I had a panic attack the first time one was brought in. I—”
Two large hands grab hold of my shoulders. “Gabby, you’re spiraling!”
“Spiraling?” I laugh maniacally. Anger replaces my sadness. “That’s not even all of it. I finally decided that maybe a fresh start would be just what I needed. So I packed up everything to start a new life. Wouldn’t you know that my first full day here, I meet the most amazing man I could ever dream up?” Because I locked my keys in my car…how ironic.
I pause for a moment and flex my hands into fists. My frustration only grows at the thought of my cruel twist of fate. Alex keeps his focus on me, but I know he’s not sure how to react to my outburst. I can’t stop now. Once the floodgates have opened, there’s no going back.
“The one person who brings me so much joy…who makes me feel like I’m finally whole again…is also a man who runs into burning buildings for a living. That is why I fight so hard not to love you!”