Chapter 42 Rust
RUST
Wolfe’s eyes narrow. “So what if I am…”
I grin with devilish glee. “Oh boy, then you’re in for a world of pain.”
I grab him by the scruff of his neck, dragging him toward the south exit. How did I get so lucky? I never would’ve thought my revenge fantasies from Pine Bluff would come true, but fate delivered the bastard right into my hands. Or maybe it was his own stupidity.
We’ve almost reached the door to the parking lot when a shout comes from behind us.
“Sirs, stop!”
Maybe if I ignore it, it will go away?
“Hey, the old guy with the tomato sauce on his shirt and the tall, beefy dude with the mustache! Halt!”
Guess not. I shoulda known the chase would attract attention. At least I didn’t get put into the old guy category. Beefy sounds like a compliment. It’s a small win, but a win nevertheless.
“Better behave or I’ll recommend to Tally that she goes with my option, the bullet to the head,” I hiss at Wolfe. “We’re two best buds at the mall. Got it?”
His Adam’s apple bobs. “G-got it.”
I turn around with a wide smile, twirling Wolfe along by the arm. A chubby kid jogs over, wearing a baggy black uniform and a cap reading security in bold yellow letters. He scowls like he thinks he’s the local sheriff, not a boy who just got his first job as a mall cop straight outta high school.
His stance widens as he stops in front of us. He gives us a once-over, one hand on the taser at his hip, the other thumb hooked into his belt. “Do you need help, sir?”
“Naw, we’re good,” I say.
The kid frowns. “I was talking to the guy with the meatballs stuck to his chest.”
“My bad.” Subtly, I poke Wolfe’s back. “Go on then, tell him you’re fine.”
Wolfe clears his throat. “I uh…” He glances at me then back to the mall cop, giving a creepy smirk. “I’m fine.”
I raise my hands. “There you have it!”
“You caused quite a ruckus, sirs,” the mall cop scolds in a tone he probably copied from one of his disappointed teachers.
My smile freezes. Fuck, I need an excuse. A good one. Something believable.
I glance around the storefronts when I see the teens from before.
One of them is playing music from his phone while another films two girls doing a dance, which consists mostly of arm movements and hair flipping.
It’s reminiscent of the wacky waving inflatable arm-flailing tube man, but their friends love it, cheering them on.
Must be one of those online trends for that clock app. Ding-Dong or what was it?
My eyes widen. That’s it! Nowadays people do anything for internet fame, so why not a wild chase through the mall?
I look at the mall cop, putting a hand on my heart. “We’re sorry for causing trouble, but we were filming a comedy stunt for our…”
I scratch my head, stalling for time as I rack my brain.
What was that website I searched for country concert clips on the school library computer?
“For our YouTube channel,” I finally say, internally high fiving myself. “I got a tiny body cam right here in the button of my shirt and my buddy has one, too. Real spy shit.”
Yes, Rust! You nailed this! Super believable.
The mall cop’s eyes light up. “You guys got a stunt channel?”
I decide to lay it on thicker.
“It’s all staged, even the meatball toothpicks,” I add. “My friend wears a special safety vest under his shirt. Nobody got harmed on our account.”
The kid flicks a meatball and Wolfe flinches before he catches himself. He gives a thumbs up, letting out a choked laugh.
“Two old guys doing stunts is awesome!” the mall cop says.
I bite my tongue at his backhanded compliment. It seems during the span of this conversation, I’ve entered geezer territory after all. I can see why he’d say that about Wolfe. He’s probably a good ten or fifteen years older than me, but I’m not too old for stunts.
I have the stamina of an apex predator!
The physique of a young bull!
The virility of a stallion!
I’m sure Tally would happily vouch for me, but I swallow my pride. This ain’t the time to brag.
“Are you like, famous? We never get celebrities and influencers here!” the mall cop asks.
Influenza? What does the flu have to do with this and why would he want to get sick?
But the fame bit is concerning. Maybe the YouTube channel was a bad idea. The last thing I need is him asking for a picture or some shit. I can’t have my likeness plastered all over the Facebooks soon and going bacterial. Or was it viral? Is that why he was talking about the flu?
No matter. I might not be flu-ent in influenza bacterial tech babble, but I know I gotta defuse the situation.
“We have five subscribers,” I say with exaggerated pride.
The mall cop’s head tilts. “Like five million?”
“No, like…” I hold up a hand. “Five fingers.”
His shoulders sag. “Oh.”
Great! Nothing is more off-putting than an overzealous, fame-hungry wannabe.
“We’d really love if you’d subscribe to our channel!” I inch closer to the mall cop and he steps away. “Wolfe, give him one of the cool business cards we printed yesterday!”
Wolfe blinks blearily at me until I nudge him in the side. “Right…” He pats his pockets, pretending to search for business cards that don’t exist.
God, he’s really bad at acting, too. I can’t count on him to keep our cover. That means I need to turn up the annoying YouTuber act to get rid of the kid.
“Come on, man! You look like a real adrenaline junkie!” I casually pat the mall cop’s shoulder.
His brows arch. “I do?”
“Yeah, you need some action in your life! Look up our channel ‘Senior Stunt Bros’ and then make sure you hit that subscribe button. You’re getting in on the ground floor here!” I sing-song and make a peace sign.
I’m making myself sick talking like this, but it’s clearly working. With every word leaving my mouth, the mall cop’s eyes glaze over more. After a few minutes of me rambling about subscribers, he yawns.
“Alright, alright. I’ll check you out,” he mumbles. “Gotta get back on patrol.” Then he turns around and shuffles away, spiritually defeated.
“Let’s go,” I say to Wolfe and steer him toward the exit. “Shit, with security on our ass we gotta worry about the surveillance tapes now. Let me reiterate how much you suck at being a criminal, man. Couldn’t you have picked a park for the drop off?”
Wolfe snickers. “I might not be the greatest at this, but I did think of the cameras.”
“Do tell, genius.”
He straightens, mighty proud of himself.
“I always use this mall as one of my dead drops for articles and pics. A friend of mine is head of security here and I pay him to put the cameras in maintenance mode whenever I make a deal. Essentially, that means turning them off for about an hour. Same today.”
“Congratulations, you did one thing right,” I say sarcastically as we walk across the parking lot.
Tally leans against my truck, blowing blue raspberry bubbles. She sees me and sprints to meet us halfway, throwing her arms around my neck.
“What took you so long? I was worried out of my mind!” She lets go and her eyes drift to Wolfe. “Hold up… that scrawny pensioner is our blackmailer?”
For the moment, I decide to withhold the fact that he’s also the paparazzo slandering her. I’m not sure how she’ll react and I want her to find out when we’re no longer in public. Then she can really let out her emotions, whatever they might be. Or however violent.
I shrug. “Yeah, I was a bit disappointed at first.”
“Hey!” Wolfe protests.
“But I’ll admit the guy can run like hell,” I add.
“Thanks, I’ve run sprints and marathons since I was a teen!” Wolfe responds happily.
“Shut up!” Tally and I bark in unison.
I shove my elbow into Wolfe’s side and he wheezes. “Ain’t nobody talking to you! Have you forgotten that you’re a hostage? I don’t wanna hear another word from you unless you’re asked.”
Wolfe ducks, nodding.
Tally points. “Is that blood on his chest?”
“Naw. Tomato sauce. Those meatballs are pretty tasty. You should try one,” I suggest.
She gags. “No, thanks. I’m not hungry. Also, that’s gross.” She blinks, squinting at Wolfe. “Wait, I know him! He’s the fella who bothered me at the ‘Bottles & Boots’ before our performance.”
“Damn right he is.”
“But why are his eyes so red? What in the world happened in the mall?” Tally fires more questions at me.
I deflate. “Aw right, you didn’t see my chase.”
“No, I headed straight to the truck like we agreed,” she says.
“Damn it. I bet I looked cool after the toddler stole my wig and I dodged the stroller and the kid with the ice cream. But you really missed out on turkey man. And then I told the mall cop we run a YouTube channel called ‘Senior Stunt Bros.’ I can’t believe he bought that.”
She blinks. “What the fuck are you talkin’ about?”
I rub over my mustache. Yeah, telling it like this makes me sound crazy. No wonder she’s confused.
“I’ll catch you up on the drive.” From my pocket, I take a cable tie and bind Wolfe’s hands behind his back. “Get him in the truck and keep him in check with my shotgun. I gotta head back into the mall right quick.”
Tally grabs Wolfe’s arm. “Can’t you go shopping another time?”
“Listen, that perfume lady’s aim was insane. If it wasn’t for her, I might’ve lost our wily friend in the crowd,” I explain, realizing I still make absolutely no sense to her.
She giggles and shrugs. “Okay, I give up. Get your perfume and grab me something sweet while you’re at it, please? A coffee to go, too.”
“Will do.” I plant a kiss on her cheek.
Pink tints her face as she drags Wolfe to the truck.
“I love you!” I shout, throwing air kisses at her.
God, it feels so fucking good to be able to say it. I want to take a megaphone and yell across the parking lot, let the entire world know how much I adore her.
Tally catches a kiss and presses her fist to her lips. “I love you, too!”