Chapter 17
CHAPTER 17
T hey were both quiet on the drive back to his parents’ house, the kind of quiet that only two people who are absolutely comfortable with one another can share. At one point Jared reached out and took his hand again, and they stayed like that for the rest of the drive.
The whole drive there, though, Jared kept playing their conversation over and over in his head. He still couldn’t believe that he’d actually agreed that he wanted to pursue something long-term with Charlie. Now that he had a little time to think about it, he realized this was truly what he wanted. If he was willing to take a really hard look at his innermost thoughts, he would acknowledge that this had been the case for a very long time, ever since he saw Charlie on the cover of People magazine ten years ago.
I guess Rebecca was right, he thought. She’s been saying for years that I have a crush on him and, well, I guess I always did.
And it wasn’t just that he was physically attracted to Charlie, though the sex had been very good, and Charlie was very handsome. It was more that Charlie had the almost supernatural ability to bring out the best in him. Something about his mere presence made Jared want to try harder and to be better. It also made him want to do something more with his life and to do his part to help Annamoriah become a better and more vital version of itself.
All of his life he’d been running away from his home. Thanks to Charlie, though, he’d come to realize that most of his fear and anxiety was a product of his imagination more than anything that in the real world. It wasn’t that things were perfect, either with his parents or Annamoriah, but neither were they as bad as he’d always convinced himself they were.
I don’t even know who I am anymore, he thought, and for some reason that thought didn’t scare him. In fact, it excited him.
Just as they pulled in the driveway, however, he felt his phone buzz, and even before he looked at it, something–either his sixth sense for doom or his generally pessimistic nature–told him that this wasn’t going to be good.
Sure enough, he could see that it was Rebecca texting, and that sick feeling just got worse.
“Jared, what’s wrong?” Charlie asked, genuine concern in his voice.
“It’s Rebecca,” he said. “I didn’t really see what the text said, but I have a feeling that it’s not going to be good. Why don’t you go into the house, and I’ll be in in a few minutes?”
Jared could tell that Charlie wanted to argue with him, but he did as he asked. When he looked down at his phone his heart fell.
I need you to call me. NOW.
The words glared at him, and he felt like they were trying to sear into his brain. Whatever this was about, he knew that it must be serious if Rebecca was taking that tone with him.
For a split second he thought about just lying to her and saying that he hadn’t received the text. He quickly decided against that, though, not just because it would be a betrayal of his friendship with Rebecca but also because he knew quite well that she would never believe him.
So, he nervously hit the button and put the phone to his ear. Unfortunately Rebecca picked up right away, which was yet another piece of evidence that whatever this was, it wasn’t good.
“Hi,” he said when she greeted him. “You told me to call you so, uh, that’s what I’m doing.”
“I’m glad you did,” Rebecca said. “She took a deep breath, and Jared knew this was going to be even worse than he thought.
“See,” she said without preamble, “it’s like this. The Council was very much not happy about what happened with Charlie and the guy at the bar. Even though he didn't press charges, there were some members of the Council who wanted some heads to roll for the embarrassment.”
“By ‘some members’ I assume you mean Councilman Rhodes,” he said. He was actually surprised at how calm he sounded, considering that there was a slight roaring in his ears and a feeling that his whole life was falling apart right in front of him.
“Actually, it might surprise you to learn that there are other members of the City Council other than Councilman Rhodes, and they weren’t particularly happy about the big star of the film festival clocking someone in the city’s only gay bar. For that matter, the owners of the bar weren’t pleased about the negative publicity either, even if they privately agreed that the guy really did have it coming.”
Jared felt the same flare of impotent rage that he’d felt before, the same sense that he was being punished not for Charlie punching someone but for the mere fact that they were both gay in a city that, until recently, had not been particularly friendly toward its queer residents.
“I’m aware that we fucked up,” he said. “But we’re doing the best that we can to repair things. I’ve kept a very good eye on him this weekend.”
“There’s worse, I’m afraid,” she said. “I wanted to be the one to tell you this,” she said, “but I want you to know that it’s not easy, and that I did everything I could to keep this from happening…” Her voice trailed off.
Jared sighed. “Rebecca. Just tell me what you’ve got to say and get it over with.”
“The Council has decided that they’re going to officially terminate your employment. Starting immediately.”
At first Jared couldn’t believe that he’d heard correctly. This couldn’t be happening. She couldn’t have just told him that he was about to lose his job. That couldn’t be right, not after all of the hoops that he’d jumped through to get it in the first place, and certainly not after what he’d done for the film festival. There was no way that that was going to happen, and there was surely no way that Rebecca would just stand there and let it happen.
“Jared, are you there?”
“Yes, I’m here,” he said, his voice sounding like it was coming from a thousand miles away. “I’m just trying to figure out what all of this means.”
“I’m sorry. I did everything I could. Really.”
He knew it was irrational, but something about the way that she said that suddenly made him wonder if she was telling the truth, or if this was another of those cases where she was trying to deflect blame because it was easier than admitting the truth of her own complicity. He hated himself for thinking it, but he had a feeling it was the former. And that thought shook him out of his shock and made him genuinely angry.
“You threw me under the bus, didn’t you?” His voice was no longer distant but was instead hard and brittle and ugly. He truly hated this part of himself, but he couldn’t seem to help himself. It was out there and there was nothing he could do about it.
“I…I…I…,” she stammered, and he knew it was right. He pressed on, each word feeling like a knife in his hand.
“You were afraid it was going to come down between you keeping your job or me keeping mine, and so you decided I was expendable.” He snorted. “I should have known.”
“It’s not like that,” she said. “They told me if someone’s head didn’t roll that they were going to pull the plug on the festival, and I just couldn’t let that happen.”
“So what you’re saying is that you chose the festival over me, your supposed best friend.”
There was no mistaking the sigh on the other end of the line, and he knew that he was pushing her to say something he knew both of them would regret. Jared was too far gone by this point, though, as he knew all too well. His tongue was like an avalanche: nothing was going to stand between it and absolute destruction.
“You know, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by this. You were always the kind of person who put yourself above anyone else. I’m just shocked it took this long. You’ve always looked down on me and not taken me seriously, so of course it wouldn’t even have occurred to you to defend me when the chips were down. Did you even really try, Rebecca, or did you just roll over the first chance you got? Did you just go ahead and offer me up without them even asking?” He snorted. “Some queer advocate you are.”
Rebecca greeted that with an ominous silence, and there was a perverse part of Jared that looked forward to what was coming next.
“You know, you’re such an asshole sometimes. You think that you’re the only one who stands up for queer people, you think that you’re some sort of moral purist who gets to stand on the high road and look down on everyone else. You do it with me, you did it with your parents when you first came out, and you’re doing it with Charlie. You didn’t even give him a chance before you were already judging him for what you saw as his faults. However, that’s ultimately a you problem, Jared, and you’re going to have to address it sooner rather than later.”
“Do you have anything else you’d like to say to me?” he grated out. “Or have you finished pointing out what you see as my glaring personal failings? I wouldn’t want you to leave anything on the table so you can throw it in my face the next time we have a big fight like this one.”
“I don’t think there’ll be another fight like this one,” she said. He almost thought that he could hear some sadness in her voice. “I don’t think I want to see you for a while.”
Say something, you idiot, that voice in the back of his head was screaming. Don’t torpedo your friendship like this. You deserve better and so does she!
But, like so many other members of his family–and so many Appalachians in general–he was stubborn to a fault. He’d committed to this course of action, and he wasn’t going to back away.
“If that’s the way you want it, then I’m happy to oblige.” He waited a moment. “Is there anything else that you’d like to say, or are we finished with this conversation?”
“We’re done. Goodbye, Jared.”
“Bye.”
The line went dead.
For several minutes he just sat there in his truck, not sure how to feel about what had just happened. On the one hand, he was genuinely angry that Rebecca had betrayed him. On the other, he understood that she’d done the best she could with nothing but bad options, and he regretted losing his temper like that.
Even more distressing was the fact that she had a point about his moral sanctimony. He didn’t like to admit it about himself, but he knew that he tended to look down on people that he didn’t agree with. He knew there were reasons for why he looked at the world that way–both good and bad ones–but he wasn’t really in the mood to look at them with any detail at the moment. At this point, he just wanted to go inside, throw himself in Charlie’s arms, and forget about everything.
He got out of the truck and wandered toward the house, feeling like a zombie. Getting fired by the City Council wasn’t the absolute worst thing that could happen, not financially, anyway. He had some savings, so he wasn’t going to be on the street anytime soon, but he honestly had no idea what he was going to do or what kind of job he was going to pursue.
As soon as he stepped inside Charlie was right there, and he couldn’t help but wonder if all of this would have been happening if he’d never met Charlie Garrett and managed to get sucked into his drama.
“Jared, what’s wrong?” he asked, even his compassion managing to get on Jared’s nerves.
Just once, couldn’t he just be thoughtless like so many other men? Jared thought sourly.
“Well,” he said, determined not to lose his temper, “I got fired. And Rebecca was the absolute worst about it. We had a pretty ugly fight. So, yeah, that’s about it.”
He knew he sounded surly and unpleasant, but he was past caring.
Someone else might have taken a few minutes to figure out just what Jared needed or wanted to hear. A different kind of person, knowing Jared’s peculiar and mercurial temper, would have tried to comfort him or offer him some sort of empty words of comfort, and he might even have welcomed it. Charlie Garrett, however, wasn’t that type of person.
“I mean, maybe there’s a bright side,” Charlie said tentatively, as if he was afraid that Jared was going to yell at him. “I mean, you didn’t seem very happy in that job, anyway. Maybe you can really turn your attention to writing like you’ve always wanted.” He paused. “And maybe you could even think about moving out to California. I know that it’s too early to talk about us living together or anything, but I could help you get on your feet, maybe connect you with the right kind of people.”
Rationally, Jared knew that Charlie was just trying to be helpful, that his offer came from a place of love and affection rather than pity and condescension. However, that was literally the opposite of what Jared needed or wanted right then and so, as he’d done with Rebecca, he lashed out.
“Charlie, I hate to break it to you, but you can’t just drop in whenever you think it’s convenient and solve a problem. In fact, that’s exactly what got us into this mess in the first place. You always rush in to try to solve a problem, but you just make things worse. If you hadn’t punched that asshole in the bar none of this would be happening. I’d still have my job with the City Council, I wouldn’t have had to drag you here to meet my parents, and we could have all been a lot happier.”
He was conscious as he was saying it that his voice was getting higher and higher and louder and louder, and that his parents could no doubt hear every word. He suddenly didn’t care, however. He just wanted to get Charlie as far away from him as possible. He wanted to hurt him so that he would see the kind of person that Jared really was.
“And while we’re on the subject, I still think it’s pretty rich that you think you can just helicopter into your home state whenever you want to and then just leave. You have no idea what it’s like to live here these days, because if you did you might actually put in a bit of effort to make sure that it’s the best place that it can be for all of the queer teens who still live here. Instead you’re always off in Hollywood getting to hobnob with all of the other rich and shallow people, who I’m sure fawn all over you and tell you how absolutely wonderful and noble it is that you still care about all of the people living back home.”
He snorted, just in case his contempt wasn’t absolutely clear by now. “Well, I don’t think there’s any point in sitting around here. We should get you back to Huntington. To be honest, I don’t really want to have any more to do with the film festival than I have to.”
Or with you. Those were the hurtful words that were on the very tip of his tongue, but somehow he managed to keep from saying them.
It was at this moment that Jared’s parents decided to put in an appearance. He couldn’t decide whether that was a good or a bad thing.
“Jared, Charlie, let’s all just take a breath,” his mother said, as always rushing in to try to smooth things over before they got out of hand. “I’m sure that this is a tough time for you, dear, but there’s no need to lash out at Charlie like that. Charlie, would you give us just a few minutes?”
This was quickly becoming one of those moments where Jared basically saw red. Once again the rational part of his mind knew that his mother was just trying to help, but talking to Charlie as if he, Jared, wasn’t there and, moreover, acting as if he was some kind of dangerous animal that needed to be tamed, well, it was just too much (even if it was also somewhat true).
“Mother, don’t take this the wrong way, but butt out,” he said, which was about the nicest thing he could think of. It was bad enough to be having this very unpleasant conversation with Charlie without either of his parents trying to make things better.
Unfortunately, that was the exact wrong thing he could have said, but the reprimand came not from his mother but instead from his father, who almost never raised his voice or spoke a word in anger.
“Jared, that’s enough. You will not speak to your mother like that, not while you’re under this roof.”
Jared was so surprised that his father actually raised his voice that he couldn’t think of what to say. He just stood there with his mouth hanging open.
Suddenly the only thing he wanted was to be out of there and going back to Huntington. Jared didn’t know how all of this weekend, which had so far been so filled with joy and self-discovery and happiness, had come crumbling down, but he wanted it all over with as quickly as possible. In fact, he really wanted to bolt right to his car, get in, and start driving.
Then Charlie once again stepped into the breach.
“Why don’t we all just take a few minutes to cool off, huh?”
Jared took a deep breath. He was working on one hell of a headache–it was already starting behind his eyes, and he knew that it wouldn’t be long before it took over–but even through the pain and his anger and his hurt feelings, he knew that Charlie was right. And, of course, he resented him for that, too. How did he know how to make things better between Jared and his parents when Jared himself could never entirely figure out how to do that, even after all these years?
“Fine,” he said, and stormed upstairs.
As soon as he was back in his room all of the complicated and ugly feelings came roaring back to the surface again, and he thought for a minute that he was going to actually go crazy.
I’ve gotta get out of here, he thought. I don’t care what happens or where I go, but I gotta get out of here.
Which is how, fifteen minutes later, he was sneaking out the door of the house, heading toward his truck, his suitcase beside him. In the far reaches of his mind a little voice was screaming at him that he couldn’t just leave Charlie here–he had to get back to Huntington, after all–but the louder voice became the more determined he became to leave. Charlie was a star, after all, not a child. If he was so good at figuring things out with Jared’s parents, then he could figure this out, too.
Jared got in his truck, turned the key in the ignition and, before he could think any more about what he was about to do, he was gone, his parents, and Charlie, already in the rearview mirror.