Chapter 19
CHAPTER 19
W hen he got back to Huntington, Jared went straight to his apartment, determined to never come out of it again. He knew that he’d acted like an absolute asshole to Charlie and that he should have told him that he was sorry. For that matter, he should have offered to drive him back to the festival, regardless of what his parents might have had to say about the matter.
If he was being honest with himself, he was also a little hurt that neither his parents or Charlie had called to check in on him.
You could make this better in a heartbeat if you’d just call them–your parents, Charlie, Rebecca–and tell them you’re sorry.
But, with that typical West Virginia stubbornness, he just couldn’t bring himself to do it, and it was only when his phone started buzzing that he even looked at it. Rebecca’s name blinking on the screen, because of course it would have to be her.
I just can’t with her right now, he thought. He put the phone back down, hoping to ignore her as much as possible, but when she kept calling he knew that he was going to have to pick up eventually.
“What?” he snapped.
“Don’t you dare take that tone with me,” she said at once. “I’m not the one who has been acting like an absolute dunce about this whole Charlie thing.”
He rolled his eyes and tried to calm himself, taking several deep breaths. He knew that this was just her way, that she was trying to give him the tough love that she thought he needed. He wasn’t in the mood for it, of course, but he knew her well enough by now to know that she was going to bulldoze him if he didn’t at least try to stand up for himself.
“Rebecca, I’m really not in the mood for this right now,” he began, but she immediately cut him off.
“I don’t really care what you’re in the mood for, Jared Russell. Can you imagine my surprise when Charlie Garrett showed up at the hotel without you ? I’m just going to assume that it was your parents who brought him. Either that or he had to rent a car to get back to Huntington, and God help you if that was the case. The last thing we need is for our star attraction to have had to drive himself all the way back here from your parents’ house.”
“Rebecca, listen,” he said and took a deep breath to calm himself and give himself the strength to go on. “I’m sorry about all of this. I was being stupid, and I have no idea how to fix any of this, not Charlie, not the stuff with the film festival, or my parents, or the City Council. Or you, for that matter.” He barked out a bitter laugh at that last part. There was a time when he would never have imagined feeling so lost or desperate, certainly not where Rebecca was concerned. The two of them had always seemed to understand one another at a deep, instinctual level.
“I know you didn’t ask for my advice, but given the way that you’ve been acting, I’m going to give you some tough love. It’s going to take you a while to dig yourself out of the hole you’ve put yourself in, and the more honest you are with yourself about that, the better off you’re going to be. Take a bit to figure yourself out, and then start making amends.”
Now it was her turn to take a deep breath.
“For what it’s worth, I forgive you. You’ve been a really good friend to me when I needed it, and sometimes even though I made it really difficult to love and be loyal to me. Even a fight like the one we just had isn’t going to demolish that, even if you did act like an asshole.
“And I know that it might be easy to contemplate, but I also think that you need to say sorry to Charlie. He might not accept your apology, but it’s the least that he deserves. I mean, I don’t know exactly what went down between the two of you, but if I know you, you were probably the one who started it.”
Damn it. I hate when she’s right, he thought.
“You’re right,” he said, “even though I hate to admit it. But…thank you for being willing to forgive me. I know that I can sometimes be a bit of a pill as a friend. And you really do mean the world to me.”
“Get therapy,” she said.
“I will,” he promised.
“Okay. Well, I have to get off of here. I know you might have forgotten, but I have a film festival to put on.” She paused. “Are you sure you wouldn’t like to come?”
Jared shook his head even though he knew that she couldn’t see it.
“I think I’m going to have to pass on this one,” he said. “I really want to come, but I think it’s best that I stay away. I don’t want to distract Charlie from his big day.”
“Fair enough. Well, goodbye, Jared.”
“Bye.”
After hanging up with Rebecca, Jared wasn’t quite sure where to go or what to do. He felt even more aimless than he usually did and, considering the fact that he usually felt pretty aimless with his life, that was really saying something.
Suddenly it hit him. There was one place where he could go where he would at least find a measure of peace. It was one of the few places in Huntington that gave him the same feeling of serenity that he was able to find on the hill back home and at Streeter Park. Leaving his apartment yet again, he made his way to the campus of Marshall University.
Even though he’d lived in Huntington ever since finishing his undergrad, he’d rarely been back to Marshall’s campus. Perhaps it was because he still hadn’t achieved all of the ambitions that he’d had as a college student, or perhaps he was just lazy and didn’t have much reason to come to this end of town. Either way, he’d avoided it, and now that he was here he found himself in a very strange mental and emotional space.
Walking through Marshall’s campus, Jared reflected on the person that he had been twenty years earlier. Back then he’d been a nervous young gay just trying to make sense of himself, his place in the world, and his feelings. He’d grown up a lot since then, even if he hadn’t achieved all of his goals and dreams.
There’s still time for that, you know, he reminded himself. It was a familiar refrain, something that he’d been telling himself for years now, so that he wouldn’t get so depressed that he quit functioning altogether. It was becoming less and less convincing with the passing years, though.
He sat down on one of the stone tables that sat outside of the library, and for a split second he almost felt like he was the same student that he’d been all those years ago, when the whole world had seemed so ripe and full of promise. He wasn’t sure whether he felt sad or happy or perhaps some combination of the two.
However, Jared soon found that he was restless and that he didn’t want to stay in one place for very long, and so he moved on, until he was standing in front of the Memorial Fountain, that strange but oddly beautiful piece of sculpture that had been built in memory of the football team who’d died in a plane crash in 1970.
Even though he hadn’t even been born yet –not even a twinkle in his parents’ eyes–when the plane crash had happened, he’d always found himself moved by the fountain in all of its austere and strange beauty. The waters weren’t running now, of course, because it was too late in the year, but standing there he found himself thinking about Charlie, about how much the two of them had managed to share in just a weekend.
You would have fallen over yourself trying to get with a guy like that when you were younger, he thought. You would have sold a kidney to get his attention, and when you finally had it…what did you do? You threw it away like it was nothing.
He thought about the way that it had felt to be with Charlie, the way that he’d seemed to see him as a person. And, of course, he thought about the sex which had, in fact, been good. Very, very good.
“You could just go to him and tell him how you feel, you know.” He hadn’t even heard his dad approach, but when he heard his voice he turned around to face him.
Doug would have been well within his rights to be truly furious with his son, but instead Jared saw on his face what he always had: unconditional love and acceptance. He thought of all of the times that he’d tried to talk to his dad and always chickened out, believing that he wouldn’t understand what he was feeling. No matter how much Doug tried to reach out to him, he’d always recoiled. He’d built up an image of what his father was like, and no matter how much reality was different, that was the one that stuck with him.
He sighed. “I’m really sorry, dad,” he said. “You deserved better than me throwing a temper tantrum while we had a guest at your house, particularly after you’d gone out of your way to make Charlie feel so welcome.” He barked a bitter little laugh. “I guess I can be a bit of a jackass sometimes.”
“Yes, you can,” his father said at once, “but you also have the biggest and most loving heart of anyone I’ve ever met. You just don’t like anyone to see it.”
“I guess that runs in the family,” he said.
“It does,” his dad said. “Your mother makes a good show about being friendly and loving, but she sometimes has a hard time letting people in to see the real her.”
Jared sighed. He hadn’t really counted on having a heart-to-heart with his dad at just this moment but, now that the cat was out of the bag, he supposed there was no point in giving this conversation short-shrift.
“I’m really sorry about that,” he said. “And now I’ve not only managed to damage my relationship with you and mom; I’ve also done the same with Charlie.” He could feel his throat trying to close up, and he knew it was going to be a struggle to get through this whole bit without crying. “Like, he was one of the few guys that I’ve ever known who treated me like a person with real feelings rather than just someone that they could take advantage of, and the first thing I did was try to push him away.” He gestured vaguely in the direction of the theater. “And now I know he’s not that far away, but he might as well be on the other side of the world for all the more good it does me. If I was him I wouldn’t even give me the time of day.”
Doug didn’t say anything for a moment, but Jared could see the wheels of his mind grinding as he worked through that. One thing that he’d always admired about his dad was his deliberate approach to things. He wasn’t the type of person to just rush in and say the first thing that came to mind. He wanted to make absolutely sure of what he meant before he opened his mouth.
I wish I’d inherited that particular character trait.
“If you want my fatherly advice, I would say that if you really like him, that you should go and apologize. I know that it’s not easy to let anyone in, and I know it’s even harder to admit that you’ve done something wrong.” Jared made to say something, but Doug held up a hand to stop him. “I also know that apologies are very hard for anyone, because you’re leaving yourself open to the possibility that someone might not be able or willing to forgive you. If you really like this guy, Jared, you shouldn’t give up on him just because you did something stupid.”
Now it was Jared’s turn to work through all of this.
“I really do like him, and I think in time I could even come to love him,” he said slowly. “But how can I go back and tell him all of this, when I’ve already acted like such an asshole?”
Doug actually laughed a little. “Do you have any idea how many times I’ve acted like a total asshole to your mother? Do you know what a jerk I could be when we were young and had first started dating? I don’t think a month went by that I wasn’t putting my foot in it in one way or another. Somehow, though, we found a way to get through it all. We realized that we truly loved each other, and that it was worth making our way through the complicated things that come up when you’re in a relationship with someone.
“Look, there are always going to be difficulties, and only you know your own mind. However, if you want my advice, and it’s going to sound very cliche, you should go to him. At the very least you can tell him how you feel. If you want to know something else that I’ve learned through the years, it’s that you should never not do something because you’re afraid. That’s just going to make you regret not having taken the chance. And regret is something that you do not want to have to live with.”
“You know, dad, you’re actually pretty wise,” he said. “I guess if I have a regret it’s that I didn’t listen to you more often growing up. I probably would have been a lot happier.”
“Well, when you’re a parent you get very used to your kids not paying attention to anything that you have to say. As a rule they only decide to go along with something when they’ve decided that it’s their own idea.”
A comfortable silence settled down for a moment, and then Jared made a decision.
“I’m gonna go to the theater right now,” he said. “Do you want to come?”
He knew his dad was going to say no, but he still felt like he should ask. Indeed, Doug shook his head.
“Nah, son. I gotta get back to your mother. And besides, I think this moment is for you and Charlie, not me.”
They gave each other a hug, then Doug was walking away and Jared was left to make his way back to the theater.
Jared could have driven back to the Keith Albee, but since it wasn’t that far at all he decided to just walk. He needed that last little bit of time with his own thoughts in order to figure out just what it was he was going to say. He knew in the broad strokes how he wanted this to go, but he had no idea whether it was going to end up ending how he wanted or whether, as he feared and suspected, it would blow up in his face, with Charlie telling him that he wanted nothing more to do with him.
When he got there, he looked at the theater across the street, and he thought of all of the things that Charlie might then be doing. Was he giving his talk? Was he wondering why Jared wasn’t in the audience, or was he just glad that he didn’t have to put up with another potential outburst?
It took him longer than it should have to work up the nerve to actually go in there, and by the time he started to cross the street the doors were already opening and a cluster of people were coming out. When Jared saw one of the faces in that knot of people, his heart fell.
It was Councilman Rhodes.
“You really have a lot of nerve showing up here,” he said, face turning an alarming shade of red when his eyes fell on Jared. “After what your boyfriend said in there, I should have you run out of town on a rail!”
“I don’t think that will be necessary,” said Councilwoman Tate, who’d clearly exited with him. She’d always been one of Jared’s favorite members of the City Council. Not only had she launched an investigation of Councilman Rhodes; she’d been one of the first to give her unapologetic support for the film festival. “In fact, I think that we’ll be taking a vote very soon to see whether or not you are really the one best positioned to represent your constituents on the Council.”
Rhodes’ face turned an even more alarming shade of red. “I was duly elected, and you can’t remove me without a full hearing.”
“Oh, believe me, I know the rules as well as you do,” she said crisply. “You may rest assured that it will all be done according to the book. I think that once we start digging into your finances we’re going to find some very suspicious dealings. You’ve gotten away with things too long, Rhodes, and it’s time to clean up City Council.”
Rhodes looked like he wanted to keep arguing the matter, but he was also smart enough to realize that he wasn’t likely to win this fight. He knew, probably better than most, that no one won an argument with Councilwoman Tate whenever she had decided that something was going to happen. With a growl and a huff he stormed off.
This was almost too good to be true, and Jared tried not to let himself look or feel too smug. However, there was no denying that it would be a bit of poetic justice if Rhodes was brought down by his own rampant corruption.
It’s just a shame that he wasn’t removed for being a raging homophobe, he thought.
Now that Rhodes was gone, Tate turned her attention to him, and he wasn’t entirely sure that he was going to like what she had to say. Indeed, she put her hands on her hips and looked him up and down.
“You sure have caused quite a lot of trouble, young man,” she said. “I honestly don’t know who I’m madder at, you, Rhodes, or that movie star that you brought here. Do you have any idea how much trouble he’s caused with that little speech of his?”
Jared wasn’t sure whether or not he wanted to ask what speech she was talking about, but his curiosity got the better of him.
“Um…I’m not sure I know exactly what you’re talking about,” he said cautiously. “What speech?”
Tate gave him a look, as if she wasn’t quite sure that she believed that he had no idea what she was talking about. However, she just shook her head.
“Your friend in there gave quite a rousing speech accusing certain members of the Huntington City Council of not being supportive enough of the gay community. It was a good speech, I’ll give him that, but it’s not what I expected. I respect him, though. For a guy who’s always been taught to keep an eye on his reputation, he sure does know when to cause a fuss at the worst times.”
Jared almost couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Charlie Garrett had actually gone out of his way to challenge the status quo? His heart swelled with pride and, he had to admit it, with love, to think that Charlie would actually do that, when the stakes were so high and he had so much to lose.
The studio isn’t going to like this, he thought.
“If you’re going to go after him, you’d better do it soon,” she said. “Because from the look on his publicist’s face I don’t think they’re going to stay there very long.”
“Thank you, Councilor. I’m going to do just that!”
Jared made his way into the theater. Even though most of the people were still inside watching the movie, there were quite a few people milling about the lobby, and it was clear that they, too, had heard about Charlie’s speech. In fact, it was all anyone could talk about. Jared had a feeling that this was going to be the topic of conversation in every piece of media that came out of the festival.
He honestly wasn’t sure how he felt about that. It might have been the thing that he was pushing Charlie to do since they’d met, but it was also one of those things that could have far-reaching consequences for his career. Jared doubted that he was going to be able to make any forward momentum with this kind of baggage weighing him down.
For the moment, though, Jared had more important things on his mind. He had to find Charlie before he left. Nothing else mattered. He’d been stupid to let the other man slip through his fingers in the first place, and he wasn’t about to let that happen again.
Fortunately, he knew his way around this theater better than most, and it wasn’t long before he was in the modified green room that they’d managed to rig up. To his dismay, though, Charlie wasn’t there. He looked around, desperate to find someone who might be able to tell him where he’d gone, but there was no one.
No, he thought. This can’t be happening. I can’t be this close just for everything to have everything fall apart. That…that just wouldn’t be fair.
He knew even as he thought those things that he was being both tedious and childish. The universe didn’t owe him anything, and he certainly didn’t deserve anything from Charlie after the way that he’d acted.
Jared knew that his only chance now was for him to get to the back parking lot before Charlie managed to get away. Something told him, though, that he wasn’t going to make it, that he was going to be too late and all of this was going to fall apart.
Sure enough, he got to the back lot just in time to see what he knew to be Charlie’s limo driving off. After all, who else but Charlie would have a limo at the premiere? He could have almost sworn that he saw Sheri’s face in the window looking back at him, but he couldn’t have sworn to it. He supposed that he wasn’t surprised that she’d rushed him out of there as soon as he’d finished with his speech. Whatever else she might be, she was a good publicist. She’d want to make sure that she was protecting Charlie’s legacy as much as possible.
Well, he thought, that’s that. I guess maybe it’s for the best after all. Maybe this is the universe’s way of telling me that this wasn’t meant to be and that I should just accept that.
He stood there for several more minutes, not quite sure he knew what he was hoping for. He knew that he could have gone back to his apartments, gotten into his truck, and gone racing after Charlie. For that matter, he could have called him up on the phone and told him how he felt. Somehow, though, Jared couldn’t shake the feeling that if this–if they –had been meant to be that the universe would have made sure that he’d made it here in time. Since he hadn’t, it was best to just make peace with that and start putting his life together. Without Charlie.
Goodbye, Charlie Garrett. It was nice while it lasted.