Chapter 21
CHAPTER 21
A fter missing Charlie at the theater, Jared decided that he couldn’t stay in Huntington any more. He’d made peace with the fact that things there were never going to be the same, not now that he’d learned what it was like to know love. He would need to take some time to really get his life back on track, and he knew that he’d gotten as much out of Huntington as he was likely to. Even though he hated to admit it, his best bet was to spend some at his parents’ place. They’d welcome him back–they were always telling him that it was a shame that he didn’t live closer so they could spend more time with him–and while he was there he could finally get to work on his book and hopefully actually finish it.
Of course, he also knew that it was going to be a bit rich for him to go back home when he’d left his parents in the lurch when it came to Charlie, but if his dad was willing to forgive him, he knew his mother would be, too. She was just that type of person.
The drive back to his parents’ place was a lot longer and lonelier than it had been just a couple of days earlier. The whole time, Jared kept mentally kicking himself that he’d let a guy like Charlie slip through his fingers.
Well, there’s no use complaining about it any more, he thought. You made your choice. Now you have to live with it.
When he pulled into his parents’ driveway, he didn’t get out right away. He was still embarrassed by how much he knew he’d hurt his mother with his little scene and his leaving without saying goodbye.
But being with Charlie had shown him that there were better and healthier ways of being with his family and that he couldn’t, and shouldn’t, just keep on acting as if his emotions and feelings were the only ones that mattered. Because that was what he’d been doing for a lot longer than he realized. While it was more than a little painful to have to look himself in the mirror and see himself for what he really was, being with Charlie for just a weekend had shown him that it wasn’t all bad.
Finally he felt like he was ready to face his mother again. His feet felt heavy as he walked across the yard, and that feeling only got worse when he saw his dad standing at the door.
“She’s in the living room waiting for you,” he said, opening up the door and giving Jared a hug. “Don’t worry,” he whispered, “it’s fine.”
Jared was incredibly relieved to hear that but, at the same time, he wouldn’t quite be able to believe it was true until he actually talked to her himself.
When he got to the living room he found his mother sitting in her favorite chair, a bundle of knitting in her lap. She looked like the quintessential mom, as her fingers moved deftly with the needles and yarn.
“Well?” she said without looking up, “are you just going to stand there all day or are you actually going to come in and sit down?” She nodded with her head toward the chair opposite her. Jared, knowing that this was his cue, did as she said.
“So, uh, I guess I need to apologize to you,” he started, his tongue already stumbling over the words. “The way I acted wasn’t okay at all, and I know that. I also know that I apologized to dad, but I didn’t to you, and I want to apologize for that, too. It was really immature of me, and you definitely deserve better.”
For a few minutes his mom didn’t say anything, and he thought for sure that she really was mad this time. Then, slowly, she put her knitting down and looked him right in the eye.
“You don’t have to go through all of that song and dance,” she said, voice rough with tears. “Just promise me that you won’t do that again. I was scared that you were going to do something to yourself or get into an accident.” She wagged a motherly finger at him. “I know how you drive when you get mad. That’s what upset me more than anything else. Well, that and throwing away a perfectly good guy like Charlie.” She snorted. “But I guess that didn’t surprise me, either. You never did know what was best for yourself.”
He could have pretended to be outraged, but the truth was that he was actually touched that, as always, she just wanted what was best for him, even after he’d been an asshole.
Even so, he cringed a little at the mention of Charlie. “Yeah, I’m not exactly thrilled about the way that I handled the whole Charlie thing, either, to be honest. I don’t know what was going on in my head, but I guess I just let my own insecurities get in the way of happiness.”
She nodded her head as he was speaking.
“So what are you going to do now?” she asked. He could always count on his mother to get right to the heart of the issue, particularly if she thought she already knew the answer.
“Of course you can stay here for as long as you want,” she said. “In fact, I’m going to have to insist on it. I want you to start working on that book you keep talking about, and I want you to take some time to really get yourself into the headspace that you need to be in.”
“Headspace?” he asked. “Since when are you the type of person to use the phrase ‘headspace?’”
“Since my son began acting like an even bigger silly goose than usual,” she said at once. “You know that I try to keep my nose out of your business, but I just couldn’t keep it to myself. Charlie was good for you, Jared, whether you want to accept that or not. I saw the way he looked at you and, more to the point, I saw the way that you looked at him. I’ve never seen you look at another man like that.”
“Well, to be fair, you’ve only known me as a gay man for the last decade and a half or so,” he said. “So technically you…”
His mother immediately gave him that look that said very eloquently that he was being deliberately obtuse and she wasn’t going to have any of it.
“You know that’s not what I meant,” she said. “He’s a good man, and he’s rich, and he seems to be head over heels for you. So why don’t you give him a call and try to patch things up?”
That was something that Jared had given a bit of thought to, but he knew that he couldn’t take that step. He was trying to look forward and not back and, much as he had grown to love Charlie–he could admit that to himself if not to anyone else–he knew that he couldn’t embrace that part of his past.
“I just can’t, mom. I know that you want us to be together, but that’s just not going to happen, for a whole host of reasons. Trust me when I say that I’ve given this a great deal of thought, and I’m very okay with my decision.”
“Jared, the most important thing to me is that you’re happy. If that means you’re happy without Charlie, then I’m not going to try to tell you otherwise. Ultimately you’re the only one who can decide who and what makes you the happiest. That’s not something that I can tell you, and it’s not something that your father can tell you. It’s not even something that Charlie could tell you. It has to come from inside of you.”
Coming from anyone else those words would feel more than a little cheesy and trite. Somehow, though, his mother had the ability to say those kinds of things and make them sound and feel like they were absolutely sincere.
“Thanks, mom,” he said and meant it.
She gave him one of her smiles. “Of course, dear. I’ll always be here for you.”
The next couple of weeks were some of the most peaceful that Jared had ever experienced. Cut free from his dead-end job with the City Council, he was finally able to turn his attention back to the writing that he’d been ignoring for far too long. Almost as soon as he put pen to paper–he was one of those old-fashioned people who really did enjoy writing by hand rather than computer all the time–he could feel the words flowing out of him. He hadn’t had this sensation in so long that he’d almost forgotten what it was like, and it didn’t take long for him to figure out why he was suddenly so inspired.
It was Charlie, of course.
He knew that he shouldn’t bind all of his creativity to one person, but there was no doubt in his mind that it was Charlie Garrett who’d made him feel as if he could really do this, as if his own voice was worth exploring. Of course, he had no idea whether anyone, let alone a publisher, would be interested. However, there was something exciting and exhilarating, maybe even life-giving, about the act of creation.
This is what I’ve been missing out on for years, he thought. It’s a shame I wasted so much time at that stupid City Council job, when I could have been doing this.
He’d finally decided on writing a sort of quasi-fictional memoir. He’d always been a fan of Truman Capote’s In Cold Blood and other types of creative nonfiction, and the form continued to recommend itself to him as the way that he might be able to come to terms with some of his own past.
Of course, he didn’t spend all of his time just bent over his pen and paper. He also made sure to spend time outside enjoying the nice weather, and he helped his dad care for the chickens and the garden. It felt good to be getting in touch with his roots again, in a way that he’d never been able to do before. It was exciting and yet also calming at the same time, and he was glad for the chance to get closer to his parents.
Jared was happy, but it still felt like he was missing something. He tried, he really did, to put Charlie out of his mind and to just focus on the present and the future. Every time he turned on the TV, though, there was a reminder of Charlie, and the same went for his computer, his phone, and even his watch. Everyone was speculating about who Charlie Garrett might be in a relationship with and whether he’d had his heart broken in West Virginia, but either Sheri was even better at managing the press than she’d let on or else they really had been lucky to escape being found out.
Either way, Jared pretended that it didn’t hurt him to think about Charlie being with anyone else, but he couldn’t hide the truth from his mother.
“You could just call him, you know,” she said one day, and then immediately put her hands up in a sign of surrender. “I’m not trying to tell you what to do or manage your life. I’m just saying that I’ve seen you moping around the house, and I know what that usually means.”
It was at just that moment that he looked at the TV and there was Charlie. He was giving an interview to one of the talk shows, and Jared felt like he’d been kicked. All of the breath left his body, and he actually had to sit down.
Ugh. Of course he looks better than ever, Jared thought resentfully. Would it hurt him to look at least a bit lovelorn?
The truth was, though, that Charlie looked positively radiant. That smile of his still had the power to light up an entire room, and he laughed and joked with the interviewer with the sort of effortless charm that he’d exerted from the moment that Jared had met him.
“I can turn it off if you want,” his mother said, interrupting his thoughts.
“No, it’s fine. Go ahead and watch him. I’m gonna head back up to my room and get some writing done.”
His mom gave him that concerned look, but he pretended he didn’t see it as he went back upstairs and, true to his word, started writing.
Seeing Charlie on the TV seemed to unleash yet another wave of creativity, and over the next couple of days the words just seemed to pour onto the page of their own volition. In all of his years of composing Jared had never felt the muse strike like this before, and it made him feel incredibly alive.
It was a few days after seeing Charlie on the TV, and Jared had just finished a remarkably productive day of writing, plumbing some depths of his own psyche that he hadn’t known existed. He’d just set his pen down when he heard a car door outside. He assumed it was someone who’d come to see his parents–he’d learned very quickly that there was an almost constant stream of family and friends coming in and out of their house on a daily basis–and even when the front door didn’t open he didn’t think anything about it.
It wasn’t until he looked out his window–which looked out on the hill behind the house–that he saw a figure walking up it.
It can’t be, he thought. It just can’t be. He wasn’t sure if he was trying to convince himself that it wasn’t Charlie. He wasn't sure that he wanted it to be him, for that matter. After all of the time they’d spent apart, it just didn’t seem possible.
Then the figure turned around briefly, and Jared’s heart caught in his throat, because he knew right then that it was Charlie. Against all of the odds, he’d come back.
Well? He asked himself. Are you just going to sit here and wait for him to leave again, or are you going to go out there and see him?
That was all it took for him to get out of his chair and start making his way through the house. He still wasn’t sure that he’d seen what he thought he’d seen, and he certainly wasn’t sure that he was doing the right thing, but all he knew at that moment was that he had to get to Charlie as quickly as possible, had to let him know how sorry he was that things had turned out the way they had. Every other thought but that flew out of his head as he almost ran through the house.
Just before he got to the back door, however, his dad’s voice stopped him.
“Jared.”
He turned to face his dad, who stood there in the kitchen, one eyebrow raised.
“Did you know he was here?” Jared asked.
His dad just shrugged.
“He came to the door about fifteen minutes ago. I figured you’d see him walking up the hill sooner or later.” He gave a little laugh. I”m very glad that it was sooner rather than later. Charlie’s a very patient man, but I think he’s waited for you long enough.”
Jared wanted to argue with him and tell him all the reasons that he was, in fact, worth waiting for, but his dad had a point. When it came right down to it, Charlie had driven all the way across the country to be here or…at least…Jared hoped that he’d driven. He’d hate to think about how much fuel it would take for yet another flight from California to West Virginia…
“Jared, stop stalling,” his dad interrupted his thoughts. “Because I know that’s what you’re doing.”
Jared grinned sheepishly.
“It’s just that…now that he’s here, I’m not sure what he’s going to say, y’know? We didn’t part on the best of terms before. What if he hasn’t forgiven me?”
“Jared,” his father said with exaggerated patience. “Do you really think that Charlie Garrett would drive all the way across the country just so that he could tell you he doesn’t want to be with you? Now, for the last time, stop stalling and get out there!”
Jared suddenly felt such a rush of feeling and love for his father that he ran over and gave him a hug, which the other man eagerly returned.
“I love you, dad,” he said, surprised at his own rush of feeling.
“I love you too, son. Now, for the last time: go!”
This time Jared actually did what his father said and went to the door, pushing it open. His eye was drawn inevitably to the top of the hill, where the sun was, unsurprisingly, bathing Charlie in its glow.
Jeez, Jared thought, does he have to be perfect now, too? I bet by the time that I get up there I’m going to be drenched with sweat and huffing and wheezing, and he’s going to be practically perfect Charlie Garrett.
The whole time he climbed he kept Charlie in his sights, still not quite believing that he was here, that he was waiting for him, Jared Russell.
“W…what are you doing here?” he managed to stammer out, once he got to the top. “I just saw you on the TV the other day ago, and you looked so happy.”
“I was,” Charlie replied. “Because I knew that I was going to be coming back here, to West Virginia. To home. To…to you.”
A hard knot inside of Jared that he hadn’t really known was there suddenly let loose, and the next thing he knew he was in Charlie’s arms, which reached out to welcome him.
“I was so afraid I’d lost you,” he said, nuzzling this man that he loved, savoring the mix of sweat and sun and cologne and all of those special things that made Charlie what he was. He wanted to stay like this forever, so that he would know how much he meant to Jared and how he was never going to let him go now that they were together again.
At last, though, they did have to pull apart, but that was only so Charlie could kiss him. This was a kiss that was somehow both tender and passionate, as if each of them were desperate to tell the other how they felt with their bodies rather than their words. Only the awareness that his parents were almost certainly watching from down at the house kept Jared from taking this even further.
Finally, he pulled away and asked the question that was burning on the edge of his tongue.
“Why did you come back?”
Charlie just raised an eyebrow.
“What?” he asked, raising his hands defensively. “I just want to know what brought you back here. I mean, I did act like kind of a jerk, you know.”
“Believe me, I know that better than anyone,” Charlie said, the faintest bit of bitterness in his voice. “But I guess the answer to your question is simple enough. I love you, Jared. I love you for your stubbornness and your creativity and all of the things that make you, you. I love you for how you make me feel and for how you make me want to be a better and more engaged person. I love you for being prickly and prone to offense.” He finally seemed to run out of breath and words, and so he just shrugged and said. “I just love you, okay?”
At first Jared couldn’t think of anything to say. This wasn’t the first time that someone had said they’d loved him, of course, and it wasn’t even the first time that he’d believed them. It was the first time, though, that someone was willing to point out all of his flaws and talk about them like they were things to be loved in their own right rather than just fixed.
You don’t deserve him, that mean little voice in the back of his head said. You’re just going to hurt him again, and you’re going to prove that he was right to have left you in the first place.
Just a short time ago, this would have caused Jared to withdraw, but this time, buoyed up and given strength by Charlie’s incandescent smile, he punted those thoughts away. It was almost like he could see them disappear over the crest of the next hill, and he smiled.
He took a deep breath. “You know what? I love you, too. I love the way that you always make me feel like I’m a good and decent person, even when I have trouble seeing it. I love the way that you have a smile that can light up a room. I love the way that you love my family and my friends and the way you want to be a part of my life.” He paused, and then went on. “And, to be honest, I love that you’re from West Virginia, and that you stood up to Councilman Rhodes and all of the other homophobes in Huntington.”
“I’m starting to think I should make a movie called Ten Things I Love About You, ” Charlie said, but there was a twinkle in his eye.
“Oh, just shut up and kiss me,” Jared said, because that’s the only thing he wanted in the world right then.
And Charlie did.