5. Eva
EVA
I swung the door open, my hair still a ratty mess and my clothes disheveled after fighting with my kids to get dressed, eat their breakfast, and pretend to be little humans. I hadn’t even showered yet.
Thankfully, the woman on the other side of the door didn’t care what I looked like.
“Rough day?” Izzy smiled.
“The worst.” I grabbed her hand and tugged her inside, grateful to have a reprieve. If it wasn’t seven in the morning, I would suggest we have a glass of wine. Or two.
“Are the kids giving you a hard time?”
I rolled my eyes as I walked over to the couch, flopping down in exhaustion. I barely slept last night, going through my usual routine of staring at the ceiling, wondering if Cash was okay and when he would be coming home.
“Hard time is a very simplistic way to describe the hell they’re putting me through this morning. I swear, if they could fight over the color of the sky, they would.”
“Well, you’re doing great.”
I looked down at my stained shirt, wondering what the hell she was talking about. “Do you see this stain? I’m pretty sure this is from ketchup. On eggs. Seriously, what normal kid wants ketchup on eggs?”
She grinned at me, letting me vent my frustrations.
“And this stain is from toothpaste.” I widened my eyes at her. “I haven’t even brushed my teeth this morning! How did I end up with their toothpaste on me?”
“Well, I think it’s a great look. Honestly, not many moms can wear what you are and still look sexy as hell.”
Sighing, I flopped my head back and stared at the ceiling. “I miss the days when I didn’t do this on my own.”
“I know,” she said sadly, brushing her hand against my arm. “Is there anything I can do to help? Maybe give you a night out?”
“And go where?” I asked, rolling my head so I was facing her. “Seriously, there is nowhere to go.”
“You could go out for drinks. You know it’s not my scene, but I’m sure some of the other girls would take you out.”
“And complain about their husbands,” I muttered.
I missed being able to complain about Cash. Whether he left the dishes in the dishwasher or his socks were sprawled across the living room…those days were long gone. Now all I had to complain about was my sad single life.
Because that’s what it was. Until Cash came home, I was a single mother. I wasn’t even sure he would make it home at this point, and that was a depressing thought.
Of course, to everyone else, I was a grieving widow.
They didn’t know about the trackers I had placed in his body when he was unconscious.
Nor did they know that I allowed myself time once a week to spy on him.
Cash was doing what he had to, and I needed to go along with the plan, even if he didn’t know that I was aware of what he was doing.
I would never do anything to jeopardize his life, despite the fact that I was pissed as hell at him. All those times he pushed me away hurt like hell, but when he left, I finally got some perspective and realized what he was doing.
“What about a girls’ night?” Izzy suggested. “We could bring wine over and have some fun after the kids go to bed.”
I knew she was trying to help, but honestly, I had no desire to hang out with women right now.
Izzy had a level of understanding that none of the other women did.
She understood the desire for solitude despite feeling isolated from everyone.
She got that I didn’t want to talk things out and complain.
Sometimes, you just needed a friend who understood sitting beside you on the couch as you wallowed in your filthy misery.
“Thanks, but I’m just not up for it.”
“Tell me about him.”
The question knocked me off my axis for a moment. Talk about Cash? Could I really do that without breaking down? But before I could decide, I found myself spilling every detail about him.
“He’s kind and strong. Protective as hell, but willing to give me space when I need it. When I met him, he was so patient with me. I mean, when he realized I wasn’t working with terrorists.”
I grinned at her shocked look. “He really thought you were working with terrorists?”
I nodded, laughing as I remembered Fox’s form of interrogation. “I spent the day with Fox, watching movies.”
She looked at me, rolling her eyes. “Musicals?”
“Yeah.”
“And this was on his creepy movie bed?”
I shook my head, smiling at the memory. “No, at the time, they were still based in California. But it wasn’t really any different than what you’re imagining. I was comfortable with Fox before Cash.”
Her nose wrinkled in confusion. “How is that even possible?”
“Fox has a way about him. I was attracted to Cash, but Fox put me at ease with his happy personality and love of musicals.”
We both looked at each other and broke out into laughter. “And Funyuns.”
“But Cash…it was like he couldn’t decide whether or not to be nice to me. Until he did, and then he saved my life. He never stopped fighting for me, and he even relocated his company out here to keep us hidden.”
I swallowed at the memory. “To keep me hidden.”
“He really did love you.”
Did. I had to remember that to everyone else, Cash was dead. To me, he was still alive in my heart, even if I couldn’t see him.
“He’s truly an amazing man.”
I could see the hesitation in her eyes as she dropped them to my left hand, staring at my rings. “Eva…after all the things he’s done…”
“I know what you’re thinking, but I need you to trust me when I tell you that Cash is still very much the man I married.”
She sighed in frustration. “Eva, you keep saying is . But he’s not here anymore. He’s gone, and I think talking about him as if he was still alive is only making this harder on you.”
I nearly laughed at her statement. How little she knew.
Talking about him like that was the only thing keeping me going.
I was strong because Cash made me this way.
I held it together because I had faith he would return to me.
I talked about him like he was still alive because even though I didn’t check his tracking every day, I had to believe that he was still out there fighting to get home to me.
“I’m fine,” I reassured her. “I have no delusions about what’s going on here.”
“Are you sure? Eva, I’ve been there. I just?—”
“I’m not about to snap,” I said a little too harshly. “Look, I know what you all think. Trust me, I’m well aware of what’s going on.”
That was all I could say to keep from telling her that he really was alive and I had proof. Until Cash chose to make himself known, I had to keep his secret, even if it meant that everyone else thought I was crazy.
Thankfully, Izzy dropped the subject and plastered a smile on her face. “So, what can I do to help?”
“Would you mind sticking around while I grab a shower? Normally, I wouldn’t worry about it, but Eloise is being particularly feisty this morning.”
“Worried Benjamin will have enough and retaliate?” she grinned.
My eyes widened in horror. “No, I’m worried Eloise will grab a knife and finally do him in.”
She burst out laughing, but when I didn’t join in, she stopped. “Seriously?”
I nodded. “Just…watch your back.”
On that note, I scurried upstairs and got into the shower before she could tell me she changed her mind. I could hear the kids arguing over the sound of the pounding water and leaned my head against the wall, wishing this was not my life. So much time wasted. So many nights without Cash.
When would it finally end?
When the doorbell rang later that night, I was very tempted to tell whoever it was to fuck off. But then I swung the door open and those words died on my lips.
“How is he?”
Knight didn’t look at all shocked that I didn’t play the grieving widow for him. I did my best at the funeral, but he knew I was faking it. There wasn’t much I could slip past him.
When he didn’t immediately step inside, I grabbed his leather jacket and tugged him inside, closing the door quickly. “Tell me everything.”
“I can see his ruse worked really well on you.”
Rolling my eyes, I let him know with my body language that I wasn’t in the mood for games. “Just tell me what’s going on. You disappeared for several days. I know you went to see him.”
“You know, there’s a reason he pretended to die. That won’t work if you don’t actually believe he’s dead.”
“And to everyone else around here, I’m playing my part perfectly. There’s not a single person who doesn’t believe I’m not grieving the loss of my husband. But you know how he is. I’m not going to pretend around you when you have information I need.”
Sighing, he unzipped his jacket and tossed it on the chair, walking into the kitchen to make himself at home. I knew he had been here many times before, even when I didn’t know he’d been inside. That was just Knight’s way. He was keeping an eye on us for Cash, and I wouldn’t fault him for that.
Following him into the kitchen, I waited impatiently for him to give me some scrap of news.
“He’s headed out for a meeting.”
“And? How is he?”
Knight’s cold eyes met mine and fear stabbed me in the chest for a moment. “Torturing himself.”
“But he’s okay,” I said, hoping he wasn’t losing it like I was.
“He’s alive.”
“That’s not what I asked,” I snapped. “Knight, you’d better fucking tell me right now. I’m in the dark here and I need to know he’s okay!”
A chuckle left his lips as he poured a drink. “In the dark? I think you’re probably the furthest from in the dark.”
“I may know that he’s alive, but that doesn’t tell me how he is. That doesn’t tell me if he’s coming home soon.”
His voice softened at my statement. “I think you already know the answer to that.”
I couldn’t hold his gaze anymore, not when I saw the truth in his eyes. Cash was firmly wrapped up in this, and there was no getting out until it was finished.
“If it makes you feel any better, he’s going fucking crazy without you.”