15. Cash #2
“Fucking hell! He shot me in the boob!”
“Are you alright?” I shouted, quickly looking at Thumper as I heard the siren coming after us.
“Fine,” he snapped. “Just fucking shot to hell. Man, do you have any fucking idea how fucking expensive this body suit was? You couldn’t have gotten into a fight at another fucking time?”
“I didn’t do a fucking thing!” I shouted, pressing the gas harder.
“I told you not to look. I told you not to be nervous!” Thumper argued. “But could you play it cool? No!”
“What the fuck are you talking about? I wasn’t nervous!”
“Are you kidding me? Your whole demeanor screams nervous. You’re nothing but a Nervous Nelly!”
I didn’t know what the fuck he was talking about as I flew down the road into Armenia. Unfortunately, I had Armenian authorities on my ass, and there would be no escaping them in the middle of the fucking desert.
“This is so fucked up,” I snapped. “Why did you come along?”
“Oh, that’s fucking rich. I came to help and instead I get yelled at. I’m the one who was shot in the boob! This disguise is useless now. I have one saggy boob and no other clothes!”
“Where the hell are your other clothes?” I snapped.
“Uh… hello! It would look a little strange if I was walking around with a bag of fucking men’s clothes!”
A car drew up on my tail, getting closer than I would have liked. There was no way I was getting out of this unless I ended things.
“Yeah, it’s even fucking weirder for a man to be dressed like a woman with a bodysuit of fake boobs!”
“It’s not like I have more than two of them,” Thumper snapped.
I jerked the wheel as the car tried to pass me. Clipping his front end, he swerved and backed off, but that wouldn’t end things. Another car came up on my right, slamming into the side of me. I hit the brakes, causing the car behind me to crash into my backside.
I jolted forward, then swerved to the right, pushing the other car off the road.
“Hey!” Thumper shouted. “Watch it! My foot was there!”
“Get Sally under the floorboards.”
He laughed at that. “Yeah, I know your rules for touching Sally. There’s no fucking way I’m getting my hand chopped off.”
“Just fucking get her. She’s the only weapon I have.”
His eyes bugged out as he stared at me. “You didn’t bring another gun?”
“Call me crazy, but having the one was hard enough to conceal,” I bit out just as we were rammed from behind again.
Thumper sat up, spinning around in his seat and bending over to reach the floorboards in the back.
With his ass in the air, the airy material from his dress started flapping in my face, making it impossible to see where I was going.
Ripping it away from him, I accidentally tore too much and the upper half of the dress ripped, revealing nothing more than his deflated boob.
“Hey! Stop fucking ruining my things!”
“It was flapping in my face. I couldn’t see,” I snapped.
He twisted back around, sitting in his seat with a scowl. “I swear, men have no idea how fucking hard it is to be a woman.”
“Just get the rifle out,” I snapped.
I glanced in the rearview again just as we were slammed into again on the driver’s side. Glass shattered as something landed in my lap, and when I looked down, a calm took over that I hadn’t felt in way too fucking long.
Grabbing the grenade, I threw it back out the window just in time for it to explode as it hit the other vehicle. Chuckling, I glanced over at Thumper, grinning like an idiot, but he didn’t look too happy.
“What?”
“I can’t believe you tore my dress.”
“Stop being a fucking woman.”
He snorted. “You are so in trouble when Eva finds out you said that.”
“If she ever fucking talks to me again,” I muttered.
He loaded Sally and spun in his seat, holding Sally unsteadily in his arms.
“Watch what you?—”
Another fucking hit from behind sent him flying into the dash, but the rifle…I watched in horror as the rifle slipped from his grip and tumbled out the window, clattering along the road.
Slowly, he turned to me with a wince. “Oops.”
“Oops? You just fucking lost Sally!”
“Technically, Sally’s at home. That’s like…fake Sally.”
“You fucking lost my rifle! My only fucking form of defense!” I said, slamming my fist down on the steering wheel.
“Right, but if you weren’t driving like a lunatic, we would have been fine.”
My nostrils flared at the words coming out of his mouth. I would not kill him. I would not do it. He was here to help, even if he was making things ten times worse.
“Fucking unbelievable.”
“If it makes you feel any better, this body suit is really chafing.”
I glared at him, not finding that even remotely helpful, nor did it make me feel better.
“So…what do you want to do now?” he asked, chuckling slightly.
“How about I toss you out of the vehicle?”
“Well, that seems a little counterproductive. After all, I am your distraction.”
“Exactly,” I muttered, ready to throw caution to the wind and fling the door open, kicking my teammate out.
But before I got the chance to do anything too irrational, a car flew past me in the opposite direction. I could have sworn I saw FNG hanging out the window, but that couldn’t be right.
“Was that?—”
A massive explosion rocked the half-mile strip behind me, sending a large plume of fire and smoke into the sky. Only one vehicle was left on my ass now, and then the road would be clear. I just had to get rid of him.
Mountains lined the left side of the road ahead, and an idea sprang to mind. Hitting the gas, I waited for the car behind to catch up.
“What are we doing?” Thumper asked, the fear in his voice palpable.
“Hold on!”
“What—”
I jerked the wheel to the right, spinning us around until I slammed into the vehicle that was behind me, then hit the gas, pushing him hard to the side of the road.
“Cash, this is insane!” Thumper shouted.
The terror on the other driver’s face as he saw the side of the mountain approaching was priceless.
“Cash!”
I hit the gas one last time and rammed him into the mountain.