18. Cash
CASH
“I’m just saying, maybe you shouldn’t have crashed our only working vehicle,” Thumper grumbled as we marched across Armenia in search of a new vehicle.
Thumper’s dress was draped across his chest in what he hoped would cover his deflated boob. He was failing miserably. The disguise was no longer working, but at least it was keeping the sun off his skin.
“I can’t believe you blew past the border,” FNG laughed. “Man, that was classic Cash.”
I gritted my teeth, trying to ignore his comment.
“I mean, only Cash would do something that crazy.”
“Fox would do something that crazy,” I retorted.
“Right, well, Fox isn’t here, so I can’t say it was him,” FNG continued. “And did you see that vehicle go up in flames? I bet you thought I was dead, huh?”
He elbowed me in the ribs, jesting the whole time, but I was not in the mood for this shit. Even though it was great to see them again, I was supposed to be flying solo on this, and the implications of them getting involved meant everyone was in danger.
“But you know, it would never happen. I can’t?—”
“Die,” I finished for him. “Yes, we all know.”
“You know, but you didn’t really expect me to walk away from that,” he rattled on. “I continue to defy expectations.”
“If you continue to defy expectations, then you would have died in that explosion,” Thumper snapped.
“No, see, the expectation is that I would die. Therefore, I defied it by living,” FNG explained.
“Except, you’ve been telling us since you came to work at OPS that you can’t die. Why would we expect you to die at this point?” Thumper argued. “Now, if we see an explosion you were supposed to be in, we just shrug and walk away.”
The look of shock on FNG’s face was comical. For a man who wanted everyone to believe he wasn’t able to die, he sure as hell seemed surprised when we all bought it.
“But…” FNG’s face twisted into one of dejection. “You don’t even think for a minute that I might have died? There’s no moment of sadness? What if I really died?”
“But you’ve told us repeatedly you can’t die. Hell, you’ve come back from the grave so many fucking times, it would be stupid of us to actually believe you’ve died,” I snapped.
“I can’t believe it. After all this time. I never actually thought you’d believe me, and now that you do, I find myself a little hurt that there’s not a mourning period or something before I rally.”
“Well, get used to it. That’s what happens when you continue to defy the odds.”
I agreed with Thumper and kept walking. There was only so much one man could take of the insanity before he just shrugged his shoulders and walked off.
“How the hell did that guy find us?” I muttered to myself.
“Well, it’s not that hard to figure out.
If you assume that the Shadowy guy knew you pulled the trigger on Al-ahmar, then calculate how long it would take you to reach the border, factor in all suspected movements to get out, it’s really not that hard to conceive that he was as smart as me and figured out your route,” FNG grinned.
“God, this body suit is so fucking hot,” Thumper grumbled. “I look like some sort of freaky drag queen.”
“Not even,” FNG snorted. “Drag queens don’t have deflated boobs.”
“I only did this because I wasn’t crazy enough to blow myself up.”
My boots scraped along the rough terrain. If only I could get a vehicle. I could drive away from my insane comrades and finish the mission on my own.
Then again, I wasn’t entirely certain what my mission was anymore. I needed to get to the rally point and take it from there. This wandering around the desert was doing very little to help me achieve my goals.
“Ah! There!” FNG shouted, walking backward as he waved at a vehicle coming toward us. “Help! We’re stranded! We have an injured woman with us!”
“FNG!” Thumper hissed.
“Quick, cover up your deflated boob. You’re going to scare them away.”
“We are not?—”
“Hey!” He shouted, flagging them down as he stepped in front of the vehicle. It came to a screeching halt, dust floating all around us and making us choke on the horrible particles. But the vehicle did stop and wait for FNG to walk around to the driver’s side.
“Do you speak English, amigo?”
The man said something in a hushed tone that I couldn’t understand, but FNG continued.
“We have an injured lady,” FNG said loudly, enunciating each word. “Deflated boob! Broken leg! She’s ugly, but she still needs help!”
I rolled my eyes and looked at Thumper. “Broken leg, huh?”
“I am not an ugly lady,” Thumper grumbled. “Where does he get off saying that shit? I was the only one who volunteered for the job.”
“You volunteered for this?” I chuckled.
Sighing, he wiped the sweat from his brow. “Voluntold.”
“Yeah, I believe that,” I said, not really believing a word out of his mouth. Thumper didn’t let anyone voluntold him anything. It just didn’t work that way. But he would definitely volunteer for a job like this under the right circumstances.
“It’s Bree, isn’t it?” I asked, keeping my eyes trained on the vehicle and the driver FNG was still attempting to negotiate with.
“What?”
“The reason you came out here. What did she do this time?”
“You’re crazy. She had nothing to do with this.”
“Right. That’s why you’re dressed like a woman,” I snorted.
“I’m telling you, I was voluntold for this job.
And even though I didn’t want to dress up as a lady, I was willing to go the distance.
Unlike you, some of us trust our fellow teammates and want to help.
That’s me. I knew you were innocent and would do anything to get you out of the shit situation you were in.
Because I’m fucking loyal. Because I fucking knew that if you didn’t get out, Eva would be devastated for the rest of her life, along with your kids.
Some things you just don’t have to think about, and that was one of them.
So yeah, I fucking put on the fake boobs and dress like a woman because I’m loyal and I wanted to make sure that Eva never felt an ounce of pain if she lost you. ”
It was a nice speech. Fucking beautiful, if you believed that kind of shit. But I knew Thumper too well. It would take a hell of a lot to get him to wear that fucking body suit, and the only logical reason was death.
Or Bree getting knocked up again.
“So, Bree’s pregnant?”
“Yeah. Pretty much. Fuck, I don’t know what I’m going to do,” he bent over, sucking in a breath. Hands on his knees, he looked like he was on the verge of a breakdown instead of a man in command of his family.
I slapped him on the back, rubbing circles in a soothing pattern, hoping I could calm my friend. “It could be worse.”
“Three kids? Cash, I’m not cut out for three of them. They run all over me as it is. I order them around. I use an iron fist, and they mock me. Fucking mock me!” he nearly shouted.
The man looked like he was on the verge of being crazed. I gripped his shoulder, forcing him to look at me. “Hey, you can’t let them get away with that shit.”
“I’m trying!” he shouted, his eyes bugging out as his left eye twitched. The man was going to lose his shit and have a stroke if he didn’t pull it together.
“Hey, listen to me. They’re just kids. They can’t do anything to you.”
The man scoffed in my face, tossing his head back and laughing maniacally. Seriously, if I didn’t know he was a strong warrior, I would assume Thumper was just another guy on the streets.
“Can’t do anything to me? They make fun of my leg all the time. They call me the fucking Terminator!”
“Yeah, and?” Wasn’t that a compliment?
“And they mock me all the time. I tell them not to do something, and they give me the stink eye before running off and doing just that. I swear, these are not normal kids. These are wild hellions. And I don’t get it because Bree is so normal and well-adjusted!”
“Yeah, but then there’s you.”
He stilled, cocking his head at me. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that this has nothing to do with Bree and everything to do with you. If you want someone to blame for your kids being hellions, you only have to look at yourself.”
His eyes went wide before he shook his head at me in disbelief. “Victim-blaming? Seriously, Cash. I thought you were better than this.”
I slapped him hard upside the head, tired of this shit.
“Take your dick out of the bodysuit for a goddamn minute and remember who the fuck you are. You are the fucking Terminator. You have a bionic leg and run circles around the average man, and half our teams. You defy the odds all the fucking time. So stop letting your kids rule the world. Grow a goddamn spine and tell them who’s in charge! ”
That finally seemed to get through to him and he blew out a harsh breath, nodding quickly. “Right. I’m in charge.”
“A little more conviction in your voice and someone might actually fucking believe you.”
He huffed out a laugh as he looked down at his deflated boob and the torn dress. “Fuck, I look like an idiot.”
“I can’t believe you wore that just to get away from Bree. You’re fucking insane,” I chuckled.
Pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes, he groaned. “Oh God. What have I done?”
“Don’t worry. We’ve all done insane things to get away from our spouses. I mean, not me, but?—”
“Yeah, you just joined a fucking cult to escape her.”
“They’re not a cult,” I muttered. “And I was only trying to escape her to protect her.”
“Yeah, great job there. You know, you didn’t marry some idiot. She’s a lot smarter than you think.”
I knew that, and the fact that she never believed me and was tracking me the whole fucking time brought a smile to my face as pride beamed in my chest. My wife was fucking smart as hell, and I couldn’t wait to get back to her and tell her just how much I fucking loved her.
“Hey!” FNG grinned, waving at us. “We’ve got a ride!”
“Come on, Betty. Let’s kick our feet up for a little bit.”
“Betty? I hardly look like a Betty.”
“You’re right,” I grinned. “Betty doesn’t have saggy tits.”