Chapter 25
‘Who in their right mind votes for potholing down a haunted mineshaft?’ Giovanni says as we all climb into our harnesses the next day.
We were woken at the crack of dawn to drive two hours through the jungle.
We stopped off at a virtually abandoned roadside café for the toilets and breakfast, which was a plate of huevos ahogados which we were told was ‘drowned eggs’.
They were delicious but probably not what we should have eaten on such a bumpy ride.
‘Zeez costumes are vairy, vairy unsexy,’ says Henri, pointing to our regulation baggy boiler suits.
‘It’s cruel is what it is. Cruel,’ says Amber, looking genuinely upset. ‘And these safety boots. I wouldn’t be seen dead in these IRL.’
She must think we’re all part of an elaborate hallucination.
‘I’m covered in mosquito bites,’ complains Mimi, regretting having tried to roll up her boiler suit into a short playsuit.
‘They are getting everywhere,’ shrieks Giovanni, swatting at his arms and legs. ‘I’m sure they’re inside my suit.’
I take out my trusty insect repellent and spray everyone down. I pass Mimi some lint doused in ointment for her to dab on her bites to calm them down.
While they all try to give me a grateful smile, they look miserable.
The instructors, who look haggard and genuinely surprised that anyone in their right mind has booked this tour, explain that the mine is haunted with the souls of over two hundred miners who lost their lives digging for precious metals.
This deflates the mood even more.
While one of them starts to unload what looks like enough rope to circumnavigate the Earth at least twice, the other explains that his forty years as a search and rescue team leader makes him the ideal expert for a mission like this.
‘I’m not going down there,’ says Mimi, looking from the rings of rope to the dark entrance to the mineshaft. ‘Oh my God! What was that?’
‘What was what?’ shrieks Amber.
‘That,’ Mimi yells. ‘I saw a shadow. A ghost!’
‘That’s it. I’m not going in either. I hate the dark,’ says Amber. ‘I can’t deal with it. I just can’t.’
Both girls look genuinely terrified.
As I look at the boys and camera crew, it is very clear that no one is looking forward to this activity. I can’t believe I’m about to do this, but someone is going to have to do a pep talk about facing your fear and the great benefits that result from personal challenge.
‘Erm, listen.’ I get off to a shaky start. It’s difficult to find what the potential benefits might be of exploring a haunted mineshaft that looks about to collapse around us the moment we step foot inside. ‘I’m sure it’s perfectly safe. Come on, guys. We’ve got this. We can do it.’
‘Yes, it is safe,’ says the expert. ‘This is why we have fitted each of you with an extra harness in case of a fall. You have a headlight in your helmets in case of power failure from the generator. You have no oxygen so try not to breathe heavily when you are down there. Take some spare rope as there are lots of unexplored shafts. Do not go in them or you might not come out. Always watch where you put your feet in case of snakes. And you have flares in case communications fail with the above-ground team.’
I notice he is not wearing a harness himself. ‘Are you coming down with us?’ I ask hopefully.
‘Jesus, no. Definitely not.’
‘So, one of you will stay up here and only one of you will go down the mine with us?’ I need clarity because I can feel my blood pressure getting high.
‘No.’
This causes everyone to start looking at each other in panic. Even the camera crew start mumbling about not getting paid enough.
‘We have a man down there already,’ he says, quickly changing his tune.
‘He’s a good man,’ he adds, as though we are all worrying over nothing.
‘He will secure the wooden beams and clear the rubble so that you can enter the forbidden chamber.’ He crosses himself three times as though he is doing something ungodly.
He shouts down the shaft and after it echoes a number of times, somebody eventually answers. It sounds very far down.
Oh, my word. This is not good.
‘Ready?’ he says.
‘Was that our safety briefing?’ I ask, shocked.
‘Who has done the risk assessment on this? Who is designated first aider? Who has the emergency comms device? Is there a GPS tracker on all of our suits? Where is the designated meeting point, both below ground and above ground, should any of us get lost? What is the procedure in the event of a medical emergency?’
Everyone is staring at me in a hopeful manner.
Perhaps we can avoid going down on health and safety grounds.
However, the instructors look as though they are willing me to shut the fudge up.
I am making everyone more nervous. And for the sake of great television and a big financial payout for the potholing experts, we must go down this hole in the ground.
‘Ready?’ he asks again. We all nod glumly. ‘Let’s go.’
* * *
After what can only be described as an appalling descent, involving Mimi breaking not one but two of her shellac nails, Henri almost plunging to his death, Amber screaming all the way down and Giovanni bursting into tears, we all reach the bottom in one piece and set off to find the ancient Mayan relics that none of us give a single shit about.
‘It feels like we have been walking for hours,’ complains Mimi. ‘It’s dark and wet and horrible. And it’s freezing down here. What’s romantic about this?’
‘It feels like we have been listening to your whinge-fest for hours too,’ says Carlton, sounding fed up.
We are deep within the mine and can barely make each other out.
We are wearing thick padded gloves as the rock surface is jagged and slimy to touch in places where water is dripping down.
Every few minutes, the instructor demands that we each call out our names by way of a regular headcount.
Giovanni, recovered from the initial shock, has already played a practical joke on us and didn’t say his name which caused mass fretting.
Our nerves are wound tight to snapping point.
‘We stop here to admire early Mayan digging tools,’ says the instructor as we emerge into a poorly lit cavern.
Amber sniffs up tears behind me. She has been quietly crying since we set off. Giovanni is quick to comfort her. In the dim light, he puts a reassuring arm around her shoulders and hugs her in close. ‘I’ve got you.’
It’s very sweet.
‘I wish someone had me,’ moans Mimi, looking at Carlton.
He has been stuck to Henri like glue, ever since Henri said he recently served for eight years in the French Territorial Army.
At least we all feel a little safer. ‘Oh my God, I’m going to die down here!
I’m going to die, aren’t I?’ she suddenly shrieks.
‘We’re almost there. Air very thin,’ says the instructor, sniffing the air loudly. He’s almost invisible to us.
‘My anxiety is through the roof!’ Mimi bellows, clearly at the end of her tether. She is breathing very rapidly. She will hyperventilate herself into a panic attack if she is not careful.
‘Look at me,’ I say firmly. I reach out to hold her by the arms. ‘You have to control your breathing. The air is thin. You need to take deep, calm breaths. They will send the right signals to your brain that you are okay, and everything is fine.’
Mimi looks scared to death. She shakes her head. ‘But it’s not fine. We are miles beneath the ground with tons of heavy rock above us. We are lost because we have been walking for hours and the instructor has no idea where we are going!’
The atmosphere suddenly shifts up a notch to major panic mode.
‘Is that true?’ cries Amber.
We could all do with some reassurance around now, but the instructor is slow to react. It serves as a tipping point. Mimi starts convulsing.
‘I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I’m going to die.
And it’s all my fault. I wanted to come on this stupid programme to find love.
But now I’m going to die instead. Crushed to death in this horrible orange boiler suit.
The last thing I’ll ever get to wear,’ she sobs. ‘It’s hideous. I’m so embarrassed.’
‘Look at me, Mimi. Look at me. Keep looking at me.’
She tries to focus on my face, her eyes wild with fright. I make a snap decision not to tell her that the colour of her boiler suit should be the least of her worries because I hear a hissing sound that is definitely not a tyre deflating.
‘Breathe,’ I say, taking a deep breath in myself. ‘In… and… out. In and… out.’
The Islanders gather around us, and we all start inhaling and exhaling slowly together until Mimi gets her breathing under control.
‘I have killed poisonous snake. I think.’ The instructor walks towards us, holding out a flask of strong-smelling coffee.
‘Have this. Calm you down.’ He passes around six cups and gently pours a dark-coloured substance into each one.
Steam rises with each pour, and we take it gratefully.
We huddle together around a big torch that reflects off the rock to make the cavern even eerier than before.
The slightest movement causes shadows to dance around the formations.
We sip the coffee. It’s very sour-tasting and bitter but it seems to have an immediate soothing effect on all of us.
Carlton copies Giovanni and puts his arm around Mimi.
He gives her what looks like a genuine smile.
He catches me looking, and to my surprise, smiles at me too.
I’m pleased he has stopped being so angry with me.
Maybe it was seeing Mimi in that ludicrously sexy negligée last night that has changed his mind about her propensity to moan on and her near-psychotic tendencies.
‘Ah,’ says the instructor, shining the light towards the cavern wall. ‘There it is.’
We gaze at the rock in awe. There are paintings and markings. They are thousands of years old.
‘That’s the best thing I’ve ever seen,’ whispers Amber.
We are quick to agree. They are magnificent.