10. Jillian
TEN
Jillian
I press the phone closer to my ear to block the traffic sounds around us. “Sheila? We’re here. I have five minutes before I have to go in. I can’t believe I’ll be learning how to make cupcakes from the best baker in Manhattan.”
Jamie tugs at my hand and points to a toy store window. I nod and walk to the store with him. He lets go and presses his little hands around his face to peer through the glass.
“You better take notes and then teach me,” Sheila says.
“I’m nervous. I’m going to make a fool of myself. I know it. I’m going to ruin the best cupcakes in town, and then she’ll sue me.”
Sheila laughs. “You’ll be fine.”
“Says the supposed best friend, laughing at me.”
“Bring some back home for me.”
“I will—oh my God.” Elliott is walking toward me. He moves like he owns the street. Hands in his pockets and not a care in the world. Casual and confident. The total opposite of me.
“What?”
“He’s here. Elliott is here. I thought it would be only me and his sister.”
“Told you he’d be there. This is getting better and better.”
“Okay, gotta go. Talk later. Bye.” I hang up before she has a chance to reply and shove the phone in my back pocket. Something stirs within me—a flicker of an emotion I thought I’d lost forever.
He’s dressed in jeans and a black T-shirt that hugs his chest and stomach in all the right places. His arms are muscular but not overly huge. I can’t take my eyes away from him. His easy smile prompts mine. Am I happy to see him? I am.
“Hey there, you’re here.” He sounds almost surprised as if he didn’t expect me to show up. He holds a fist out to Jamie, who bumps it without hesitation.
“Yes, we are. You promised us cupcakes. How could we say no to that?” I squeeze my son’s shoulder. “Right, Jamie?”
When I look back at Elliott, I find his gaze searching my face, and the words I was about to say dissolve in my mouth. My stomach warms and tightens in response to his scrutiny. Being the object of his attention unravels something in me, something hidden and forgotten and unnamed.
He holds the door ajar for us. “You two ready to go in?”
I clear my throat, swallow. “Yes, we are.” I squeeze my son’s hand. “Are you ready to bake some cupcakes, Jamie?”
He nods with vigor, his hair flopping on his forehead—a huge grin on his face, the kind of smile he used to give freely—I haven’t seen this smile in a long time. Guilt punches me in the gut. I look up and away. I don’t want Jamie to see me get emotional over his joy. My burden has become his burden, and his shoulders are far too small to carry the weight of it all.
Elliott looks at me with no judgment. I find comfort in his kind expression, and that early ember ignites inside of me again. He pulls the door wide open even though the sign on it says closed after three on Sundays. We walk through and he locks the door behind us.
A squeal comes from somewhere in the back of the bakery, and a petite woman with her hair in a bun and wearing a pink T-shirt with the bakery logo comes running and throws herself at Elliott. He catches her at mid-leap with a chuckle. The woman dangles, arms wrapped around his neck. Elliott kisses her on both cheeks and settles her on the floor.
“Jillian, this is my sister Sabrina, the best baker in town.”
Sabrina smacks him on the arm. “I am”—she points to herself with a thumb—“the best baker in the state.”
I like her immediately. I feel a kinship with her. It doesn’t matter we’ve never met before, and I don’t know her at all. She’s like sunshine, full of energy and light. The easy way she relates to Elliott and the affection they show for each other is real. Not for the first time I wish I had a sister. It might have been less lonely if I did.
Sabrina comes to me with open arms and pulls me into a hug. “You must be Jillian. Elliott’s told me lots about you.”
I hug her back. “I didn’t know he had lots to tell you about me.”
Sabrina steps to the side and kneels in front of Jamie, who’s now trying to hide behind me.
“I heard lots about you, too. My brother told me you’re an excellent bike driver. And that you love cupcakes, and you have a parrot called Daisy.”
Jamie’s eyes widen, and he glances up at Elliott. Elliott winks at him and smiles as if sharing a secret with him. Jamie smiles back, a little less shy—and to my surprise—he comes forward with his little hand extended. Sabrina takes his hand and shakes it with a big smile on her face. “Well, now that we’re all here, we can bake cupcakes.”
I push my shaking hands into my jeans’ pockets. “Thank you so much for having us. I’m sure you have better things to do with your free time than try to teach me how to bake. I fear this might turn into mission impossible.”
She waves her hand. “Nah, I had nothing to do. And any friend of Elliott’s is a friend of mine, too. Plus, I love teaching people how to bake.”
She walks toward the back of the bakery. “Come on, follow me.”
The scent of sugar and chocolate welcomes us. The kitchen is spotless. Stainless counters everywhere, bowls, pans, and ingredients are all organized on shelves along one wall.
Sabrina gives each one of us an apron. “Rule number one. Wash your hands.” She points to a faucet. We follow her, then wash and dry our hands with paper towels.
Sabrina bends at the waist. “Now, Jamie, you’re the boss today. What’s your favorite cupcake?”
Jamie’s mouth drops open as he looks at me.
Sabrina counts on her fingers. “We can make chocolate, carrot cake, red velvet, vanilla?—”
Jaimie nods furiously when she says vanilla.
“Vanilla?” Sabrina asks him, and Jamie signs yes .
“Vanilla it is. Follow me. You’ll be my assistant.”
Jamie follows her to the stainless-steel shelves, and she gives him several bowls, then looks at Elliott and me.
“You two can bring the ingredients. Get the sugar, flour, salt, baking soda, and baking powder on that shelf over there. I already left the eggs and butter out on the counter to get to the right temperature.”
Elliott and I bring the labeled ingredient canisters and set them on the wide counter.
Sabrina points at the butter and eggs. “Rule number two, butter and eggs should always be at room temperature when making cupcakes.”
Jamie nods at everything she says. He might be half in love with her.
Sabrina shows us a printout of the recipe. “Rule number three, organize the ingredients in the order you’re going to use them. This way, you can make sure you have everything you need, and you don’t accidentally forget something.”
Jamie and I work together. Sabrina explains what we should do, but she herself does not partake in the baking.
Elliott drags a stool to the corner of the counter and watches us. “Do you want me to take some pictures?”
“Yes, please. I’d love some pictures.” I turn to Sabrina. “Is it okay?”
“Of course. Take as many as you want,” she says.
I look at my flour-covered hands and at myself.
“Let me help. Where’s your phone?” Elliott stands up.
“In my back pocket.” I turn my back to him, my face heating.
He takes the phone, his fingers barely touching me, but a zing of awareness climbs up my spine anyway .
I tell him the lock code and he takes a picture of me. My face flushes again. He caught me by surprise.
I return to mixing the ingredients, focusing on the task at hand, even though I can feel Elliott’s eyes on me. Jamie stands on a low chair beside Sabrina, his face glowing with pure joy. He hasn’t stopped smiling since we started. I can’t remember the last time I saw him this happy.
A tightness stirs in my chest, but I push past it. I can’t change the past, can’t undo the times I was too buried in my own sorrow to see his. But that’s behind us now. I’m here, right now, and I’m going to do better—for him, for us. Jamie deserves to know there’s a big, beautiful life waiting for him, one he can run toward with an open heart.
I press a hand over my breastbone, a reminder to keep breathing, to stay present. This isn’t about forgetting CJ; it’s about moving forward, finding joy in the moments we have, and showing Jamie there’s more to life than loss. I lift the spoon, offering Jamie a taste of the batter, and his grin fills the kitchen like sunlight breaking through clouds. My heart lifts with it.
Fake it till you make it? Maybe. But I’m starting to believe there’s something real here, a way forward that’s lighter, freer. I’ve spent too long closed off, wrapped in the safety of my grief. Now it’s time to open up, to let go—not of love, but of the need to keep everything frozen in place.
I glance at Jamie, his face scrunched in concentration, drinking in every word Sabrina says, and a flicker of hope rises in me. We’re moving forward, step by step, and I’ll lead the way, not with words but with actions. This life is ours to rebuild, and I’m ready to help him find the joy in it again. For Jamie, yes. And maybe, just maybe, for myself too .
I glance at Elliott, catching his eye as he watches us with a soft smile. It’s a look that makes something flutter low in my stomach, a feeling I’ve nearly forgotten, one I hadn’t expected to feel today—or any day, really.
Elliott steps toward me, his face close enough that I can see the different shades of blue and gray in his eyes. I freeze as he lifts a hand, his fingers brushing feather-light against my cheek. His thumb trails down, slow and soft, leaving a spark of warmth where his skin meets mine. I’m startled, barely daring to breathe as his touch lingers, his nearness stirring something I long ago locked away.
He pulls back slightly, his gaze holding mine with an intensity that makes my pulse quicken. “Sorry.” His voice is low, almost a whisper. A slight smile tugs at his mouth as he holds up his thumb, showing me the dusting of flour he’s wiped from my cheek.
“Oh,” I manage, heat rushing to my face, and I reach up instinctively, touching the spot where his thumb had been. His hand drops slowly, and he takes a half-step back, though not nearly far enough to break the closeness of his presence.
His scent—clean, warm, with a hint of spice—surrounds me, even through the lingering sweetness of freshly baked cupcakes. I’m all too aware of his closeness, the gentle weight of his gaze, and the way my skin tingles where his touch had been. I haven’t felt this way in years, and the sudden rush of it takes me by surprise.
“Didn’t mean to startle you.” His eyes crinkle at the corners in that easy, unassuming way of his.
I swallow, my heart thudding in my chest. “You didn’t.” The denial is automatic, even though I’m still catching my breath. What exactly is this foreign and yet familiar awakening in me? And am I ready to find out?
Our eyes linger on each other, the air between us charged and somehow fragile, like the slightest movement might break whatever spell has settled over us. A smile pulls at my lips, small but real, as I look up at him. And for the first time in so long, I feel...open. Open to something new, something I thought I’d closed myself off to forever.
And as quickly as it started, he pulls away with an easy grin, returning to his spot at the end of the counter. But the ghost of his touch, the tenderness of that simple gesture, remains, lingering in the air like the sweetness of cupcakes fresh from the oven. And for a moment, I let myself savor it.
Sabrina’s voice reaches me as if coming from a long distance and not a few feet away. “That’s pretty smart, Jamie.”
She’s grinning at Jamie as he prepares a cupcake pan with colorful paper liners, arranging the colors in rainbow order.
She puts a hand on his shoulder. “I think we should make the icing in rainbow colors too. What do you think?”
Jamie’s smile grows impossibly bigger. He leans toward Sabrina and gives her a hug.
She coos. “Aww, thank you. I love hugs.” She looks at me over his head and smiles, and I could swear she gets misty-eyed. Sabrina gives Jamie a scoop and shows him how to add batter to each cupcake liner evenly.
He’s so proud of himself. My heart balloons, filled with love for my child.
Sabrina points at her brother. “And your job is to wash all the bowls and utensils.”
“Me? ”
“Yes, you. I didn’t see you doing anything else to help. These dirty dishes are yours.”
Jamie hops off the chair and runs to me. I pick him up and kiss his beautiful face. Whisper in his ear, “I love you.” He squeezes his skinny arms around my neck. I rub his back and when I glance around, I catch Elliott looking at us, a smile on his face.
Not even the sugar high of eating two cupcakes can keep Jamie awake. He rubs his eyes and tries to hide his fourth yawn. I pick him up and his small body folds and relaxes in my arms. His head is on my shoulder. “I guess I’ll be carrying Jamie all the way home. He had too much fun. Thank you, Sabrina. I really appreciate you taking the time to bake with us.” There’s a lightness inside me that wasn’t there before.
Elliott tugs at the collar of his T-shirt. “I can give you a ride.”
“A ride?” My voice is like the squeak of a mouse.
Is that a blush coloring his cheeks?
He clears his throat. “Yes, my car is parked at the back of the building. I can give you guys a ride. Jamie’s probably too heavy for you to carry him all the way home. Even if you take the subway, that’s a lot of walking.”
I press my lips together. I want to say yes, but a part of me is scared to be so close to him. “Thank you. I really appreciate your offer, but it wouldn’t be safe for Jamie without a car seat. ”
His smile broadens, and my heart lurches. “I have a booster seat in my trunk. Will that work?”
My eyes widen. There goes my excuse. “You have a booster seat?” Does he have a kid?
He tilts his head at Sabrina, who’s watching our interaction with a sly smile. “Our older sister Elsa has a little girl Jamie’s age, and she got a booster seat to keep in my car in case she needs me to pick up Maddie. I’m one of her emergency contacts.”
I’m not sure what to say. I have no reason to deny his offer, other than my need to be on guard since I lost CJ. But it’s time for a change, isn’t it? “Are you sure? I don’t want to force you out of your way.”
“I wouldn’t be going out of my way. I live a block away from your place. I would have offered to give you a ride to come here, but I had to step into my office today and wrap up some work.”
I shift Jamie’s weight in my arms. “I’d like that. Thank you. Jamie is getting a little heavy for me to carry.” A block away? All this time he’s been so close and I didn’t know. There’s a storm of fluttering wings and alarm bells in my stomach.
Sabrina holds out a box with the extra cupcakes we baked. “That settles it then.” Her smile widens. “Here you go. You and Jamie can have a few more to eat tomorrow.”
Elliott takes the box from his sister, and I turn and hug her with one arm, Jamie between us. “Thank you so much for having us. Jamie loved every minute of it, and I’m sure he’ll be asking me to come back. I think he’s a little in love with you. ”
Sabrina rubs Jamie’s back. “I think I’m a little in love with him, too. He’s an adorable little boy.”
Elliott pouts. “What about me? Nobody loves me?”
Sabrina opens her arms to hug him. “You have too many admirers already.” And then quickly looks at me and back at Elliott. Her lips pressed together as if she said something she shouldn’t have.
An image of Elliott running from a bevy of women pops into my mind. Annoyance flares in my chest. I don’t know how many admirers he has, but I guess he can add one more to his list.