Chapter 18
Nearly one year later…
“UGHHHHH– What is that smell? Wait a second… Buddy?! Are you all right? You had milk, dude? Why is that…”
She heard Lance gag.
The sound of a racking cough followed by moaning echoed down the hallway from the baby’s room, followed by an unholy squawk – and yet another gag.
And two seconds later?
“Boop? Something’s wrong with Christopher,” Lance’s voice was rising to hysterics from the other room, and Blythe was trying not to laugh because her C-section scar was still bothering her, and sometimes she would get this weird ‘pull’ on her side, like a muscle pulling deep inside her stomach. The doctor said it was normal, and while she might be healed on the outside, on the inside, she was still recovering from surgery.
“What’s wrong?”
“That’s not right…”
She rolled her eyes.
“What’s not right? Can you tell me what’s wrong or bring Christopher in here?”
“No? Boop, I know you are sore, but I think I need help. I’m in over my head, babe, and he’s… he’s leaking,” the sheer confusion followed by a horrified yelp from her husband, chased by a wail from a tiny baby was both funny and terrifying at the same time. “Oh my gosh, what in the heck is… staaaahp!”
Lance made more gagging sounds.
“Buddy, your belly… Blythe? Oh my gosh, honey, I really need help back here. I’ve seen all sorts of things on my shift, but I ain’t never seen green diarrhea before. My squishy-baby-buddy is broken. Oh mannnn, he’s leaking poo that’s the wrong color, and it’s everywhere! Blytheeee?? No, wait! Hold on, buddy! Daddy is getting Mama…”
Blythe was guffawing so hard and sobbing while clutching her stomach and leaning against the hallway just outside of the baby’s room. The sight of her husband sitting on the carpet, with no less than five receiving blankets spread out on the floor to protect it, was utterly hysterical and combined with his words?
She was going to disgrace herself if he didn’t stop.
“Blythe – oh my gosh – honey, why is he pooping green and yellow? Oh no! He’s making the purple face again. FIRE IN THE HOLE!”
“Lance… stop…” she gasped, clutching her stomach and laughing painfully.
“But he can’t stop!?”
“Put a diaper on him.”
“It’s everywhere. I mean, I’ve seen childbirth, dead bodies, charred remains, and I’ve never seen a slurry like this…”
“S-Slurry…?” she was roaring and snorting, tears running unchecked down her face while her husband was glaring at her.
“This is not funny. Can you call 9-1-1?”
“You… do… it…” she gasped, laughing.
That stopped Lance in his tracks as he looked at her and arched an eyebrow, narrowly dodging a small gaseous explosion that terrified the thirty-year-old man. He ducked down like a soldier in trench warfare, waiting for a grenade to land in his direction.
“You’re not panicking.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Do we have any corks?”
“You are not… oh my gosh,” Blythe chuckled, kneeling painfully next to her precious baby, who was grunting and turning purple again. “You are not corking our son.”
“Prepare for fire!” – and her husband ducked again, holding up yet another receiving blanket in front of his face. It was going to be a long learning period as new parents apparently.
“Lance!”
“He’s fixing to lob a grenade… Christopher, this is friendly fire, yo. I’m on your team.”
“Move aside, you big manly Hero,” she chuckled, shoving the filthy receiving blankets and looking at her husband in shock. “I have never seen anyone change a diaper and create an entire load of laundry at the same time.”
“Well, I’ve never seen puce-colored poop before. I’ve been vomited on, splashed with guts, and seen brains – but this is a first for me. My squishy obviously has an intestinal infection or…”
“Lance, stop it,” Blythe said firmly, looking at him. “First off, I’ve had surgery, so please change him in the baby bed, the changing table, somewhere other than the floor so I can help you easily. When this is done, I’m going to need help getting up and cleaning this mess.”
Lance nodded silently and scooted out of the way, looking utterly relieved to have assistance. She sighed, grabbed the wipes, and reached for one of the tiny diapers, fighting back a smile. Having an infant was a learning experience for all of them, and it was hard to get mad when she herself had panicked seeing the black belly button on her son. She had read it in books and knew it was coming, but being exhausted and seeing it in real life, yeah – not everything was clicking in her brain.
Fear that you might actually cause harm by being ignorant of how to raise a child was a real thing. No one ever prepared you to have an infant burp and projectile vomit at the same time. All the books left out the fact that you would fall asleep sitting up because your brain would simply shut down from sheer exhaustion. No, Lance was handling the baby for a bit so she could get four or five hours of sleep, and though he was trying, it was still a challenge for them both.
“Secondly, I’m bottle feeding him, and the nurse said that sometimes this brand causes odd colors.”
“It smells like an elephant exhibit at the zoo.”
“Lance, honey… this is our baby, and he cannot help it,” she said gently, understanding all too well. That first night at the hospital had been full of tears, which is why Christopher was on a soy formula now.
Blythe finished cleaning the baby, put a new diaper on him, and swaddled him tightly like a little Chipotle burrito – or at least that was what the nurse told her to do to keep Christopher comforted.
“How come you make this look easy?”
“Because I’m not panicking, and the nurses at the hospital were very sweet, understanding, and caring.”
“Where was I?”
“In full-blown Dad-panic mode,” she said tenderly, looking at his worried face. “Christopher is perfectly healthy, such a sweet baby, and we are both learning as we go. Instead of panicking, step back and breathe. You rescue people all the time and run into burning buildings. A little discolored poop should not bring you to your knees.”
“It doesn’t,” he denied vehemently – and then gave her a sideways glance. “So this is normal?”
“Yes.”
“And it’s supposed to smell like the paint is gonna peel off the walls.”
Blythe chuckled and moved to caress his cheek lovingly – only to have Lance neatly dodge her hand.
“Nuh-uh,” he said warily. “Wash those mitts first, wife.”
“You know, you probably should have hung out with Justin and Ollie – or Chad and Flynn. Babies sleep, eat, spit-up, and poop.”
“I know that,” Lance sputtered, puffing up his chest.
She smiled and nodded, realizing that perhaps it was time to let him have a moment to gather his ego off the floor. Time would heal all wounds, and it certainly had changed things for them. Fastening the tiny gown, she saw Christopher was working his tiny pink tongue against the roof of his mouth, his lips making a little smacking sound, and she knew it would be time for another bottle soon.
“Why don’t you help me up? Let’s wash the blankets, and we’ll get another bottle ready.”
“You think I’m being a sissy about this.”
“No, Hero. I think you are a beautiful soul who is terrified that something is wrong with our child or that we are going to do something wrong. I understand and feel that so much, but Christopher is doing good. You”re not alone in any of this, remember?”
“Partners,” he said humbly, looking at her and smiling. “I love hearing you laugh like that, but it was a lot of poop.”
“I’m sure it was,” she smiled back at him, nodding. “Show me what you’ve got; I don’t want to tense my stomach at all.”
“I get it, Boop. You don’t use a thing, and I’ll do the lifting.”
And Lance did.
He scooped her up tenderly, before picking up Christopher and putting him in her arms. Without having to be asked, he gathered up the receiving blankets, the dirty diaper, the torn diaper, and made a face as he proceeded to pick up all the soiled baby wipes.
“I love you,” she smiled tenderly, watching him.
“Was this in our vows?” Lance chuckled, causing her to laugh once more as they shared a look. “I’m only kidding, Boop. I wouldn’t change any of this for the world.”
“I think Christopher just pooped again.”
Lance’s face fell.
She didn’t have the heart to tell him that she was teasing. Oh yes, she knew he was struggling too with the adjustment, but her favorite person in the universe would never fail her or let her down – and she knew this with every fiber of her being. They might need to learn, modify, or adjust, but Lance would be there for her without a doubt.
“You’re up,” Lance blurted out, backing away and holding up the receiving blankets as he paled. “I’ve got laundry to do.”
Smiling, she watched him leave the room, humming and looked at the baby who was watching her with Lance’s big brown eyes.
“C’mon, my favorite little Squishy,” she crooned softly, kissing the baby’s forehead tenderly. “Let’s give Daddy a little break, and you can poop on him tomorrow.”
“I heard that, Blythe…”
“I love you,” she sang out playfully and sighed happily as he chuckled down the hallway, not even phased by a bit of ribbing.