Chapter Nine #3
“You are far too sweet for your own good, Captain.” She squeezed his fingers.
“I need to keep going if I’m to heal these wounds.
” Her throat worked as she thought about what to say.
“Eventually, of course, I gave birth. It was a long, difficult labor, and I was told later that I’d almost bled to death from hemorrhaging.
Once the danger was over, my mother said everything had been taken care of, and that all was well at the manor. ”
His sensual mouth curved into a frown. “What the hell does that mean?”
Despite the topic, a soft chuckle escaped her. “I wanted to know as well, so I questioned her. I asked to see my babe, but my mother refused on both counts. After a day of no answers, I finally asked the housekeeper what had happened after I’d given birth, asked her why I couldn’t see my infant.”
“The same housekeeper who is still employed?”
“Yes.” Rose nodded. “She is a dear woman, more honest and loving than my own mother. Frankly, I don’t know what I would have done without her.”
Laurence brought her hand to his lips and then kissed the back. “What happened?”
“My parents agreed early on in my pregnancy that my baby would be given away. My father removed my son from my bed. He’d promised it to a couple in London who couldn’t have a baby of their own.
Apparently, he’d written the couple after my scandal made itself known, told them when I’d begun my confinement period.
” The weight on her chest returned, and she did a poor job of stifling a sob of grief.
“After the birth, the couple sent servants to retrieve the infant, packed up in a willow bassinette and swaddled with a cotton blanket that I’d embroidered bluebirds on the corners. ”
“That’s horrible.”
“Yes.” She nodded and wiped at the moisture on her cheeks. “It took all my strength to leave my sick bed and watch from my window that overlooked the curved drive. My baby was put into a carriage and taken away from me, leaving me alone and in pain.”
“Oh, God. I’m so sorry.”
“So am I. There was nothing left of me after that. I hadn’t been allowed to see the boy or even hold him. I wasn’t allowed to name him or look into his dear little face. I hadn’t had a say in any of it. And all for a few fleeting seconds of passion. What a horrible payment.”
“Life doesn’t work that way, Rose. The fault lies with your parents. No one should have their child ripped away. And no one should be made to feel guilty for giving in to desire and passion, especially when one believes they were in love.”
“Yet doing so is scandalous and sinful. Society is quite strict on that.”
He snorted. “Except more than half the population of London alone has done the same thing. Some are just more fortunate than others.”
“Perhaps.” She shrugged as the tears continued to fall.
“Yet it does happen. I fell into the darkness of a depression following the loss of my son. My parents maintained to their social circle that I was still ill and in poor health, that my lungs were fragile and required the clean air of the country in order to get better and be strong again. It was how they explained my absence from society. They said it could be many months to a couple of years before I’d to return to London. ”
“Have you gone back since?”
“No. My parents haven’t asked me to join them, which is good.
I don’t think I could bear the false conversations of being cured of my alleged illness merely to maintain a warped facade of societal perfection.
So that my family could return to their lives without guilt.
Besides, as my mother never fails to remind me in letters, my reputation and prospects for the future are ruined. ”
“Yet they pretend you don’t exist, for the sake of your sisters?”
“Yes.”
“God, this is why I despise society in general. Anything that isn’t part of the false narrative they all wish each other to believe, they ignore or deem scandalous or something to be avoided. I’m surprised your parents didn’t pretend the babe was theirs.”
“They are old enough I don’t think anyone would have believed that.”
“But no one would demand an examination to see if it were true.” When she didn’t answer, Laurence slipped his arms around her and held her close. “I’m sorry you had to experience that.”
“I’m sorry you did too with your sister.
” Oh, but being held tight to his chest, being able to breathe in his scent and feel the warmth of him against her body provided more comfort than she’d had in the past three years.
“I wish I could have seen him just once, though. Part of my heart was ripped away that day and can never be filled.”
“And neither should it. Never forget that you were a mother, even for a short time, Rose. That is quite an achievement, no matter how the pregnancy came about.”
“I would have made a wonderful mother,” she said in a broken voice as her tears came more readily.
“I don’t doubt it. You certainly nurtured me back to life.”
For long moments, they sat in silence. It was far too lovely to have someone to talk to who didn’t judge her but instead truly understood. And in that quiet with the chill of autumn all around them, she lost a piece of her heart to him.
Now what do I do?