Chapter 44
Chapter
Forty-Four
Elias took a deep breath. “I’m not good at opening up to others. Or being honest. Or vulnerable.”
Gerard turned towards him.
But Elias kept staring ahead. It felt easier to speak when he wasn’t looking at Gerard. “My mother died when I was young. Twenty years ago. A tragic accident. She fell down some stairs. My father …”
Elias exhaled. “My father grieved. He wept and bellowed. He tore at his hair and threw furniture. He was so consumed with the pain of losing his beloved wife.” His lips twitched. “For about a week.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, then he was betrothed to Empress Emmeline of Zephyrias. It seemed all his anguish and agony just, poof, disappeared overnight.” Elias flicked his fingers in the air. “It was a political marriage, of course. It was needed to combine our kingdoms so we could fight against Draconia.”
Elias laughed. It echoed hollowly around the cave.
“But he was besotted. Completely and absolutely enamoured. He never understood why I was not. He thought she could be a new mother to me. That I could simply replace the one I’d lost. Like he could so easily replace his wife who’d died. ” He grimaced.
Gerard turned his hand over, lacing their fingers together.
“I did not want a new mother. And I grieved and cried for much longer than a week.” Elias shook his head. “But I did not reject my stepmother. Honestly, I would have welcomed someone who gave a kind word or comforting embrace, since my father hadn’t bothered to offer me either.
“But she too didn’t offer me those.” Elias dropped his gaze to the dust and rocks on the cave floor.
“I don’t know why she despised a nine-year-old boy.
Perhaps because I reminded everyone so much of my mother.
From the start, she always seemed jealous of her.
Of how beautiful she was and how adored. ”
Elias didn’t speak for several moments. Speaking felt like he was pulling his skin back and revealing the flesh beneath.
“As soon as my father and stepmother married, she turned my every weakness against me. If I cried, it was because I hated her. If I did not want to leave my room, it was because I could not stand my stepbrother. If I showed any signs of grief, it was because I did not want my father to be happy.”
“What did your father say?”
Elias shrugged. “He believed her. Every word. He would scold me for not accepting her and Matteo. He would lecture me for not showing my new mother and brother love and proper respect. He was disappointed in me. And all because I missed my dead mother.” His eyes stung.
Gerard released his grip on Elias’s hand and wrapped his arm around Elias’s shoulder, pulling him tight against him.
“And when I protested, when I tried to explain to my father, I’d get upset. My voice would rise. Tears would stream down my cheeks. I’d yell, trying to make him understand!” Elias wiped at his nose.
“And my stepmother would just stand behind him. She’d touch my father’s arm. Her lip would tremble. She’d take my words and my tears and turn them into a weapon she’d stab me with.”
Elias could still hear her voice. “‘See how he tantrums. It’s because he doesn’t want us here!’ ‘See how he yells! It’s because he hates me!’ ‘He cries because he doesn’t love me. All I want is to be a good mother to him.’”
Elias swallowed. “And all the while, my father would just stand there, letting her weave those falsehoods, swallowing them down, and staring at me like I’d let him down.”
Elias wiped angrily at his eyes. Empress Emmeline had caused Elias to cry more than enough tears for one lifetime. She did not deserve any more. He was stronger now. Tougher. He would not allow her to keep hurting him.
“So I pulled back. I built walls,” Elias said. “I stopped showing any emotion or weakness that my stepmother could use as a weapon against me. I stopped believing and trusting that my father would ever be there for me. Or that he would protect me. I learnt to protect myself.
“I started lying. I started keeping secrets and acted like nothing she or my father did mattered to me. I lied to protect myself. To keep my distance from them. I lied because then when I disappointed my father, I could tell myself it wasn’t me he was disappointed in, it was the lie that he found lacking. ”
His breathing came quicker. “I got very good at lying.” Then Elias had been told to hide his abilities, and that had just become part of all his lies.
“Over time, lying became so easy.” His lips pulled into a mimic of a smile. “Now I feel like all I am is a lie. Everything everyone sees in me is all false.”
Then, finally, Elias forced himself to meet Gerard’s gaze.
“I’d planned to lie to you throughout our entire marriage.
To keep myself apart from you. After all, I had no reason to trust you.
But—” Elias took a deep breath. “But since I’ve met you, I’ve felt myself wanting to be honest. I’ve wanted you to see me.
The real me. Not the illusion I’ve crafted. ”
He swallowed and dropped his gaze to Gerard’s lap. He gripped Gerard’s knee. “But it’s not easy. It feels like I am going against all my own instincts.”
Still, he wanted Gerard to know him. So when Gerard cared for him, he cared for the real Elias, not some illusion.
Gerard placed a finger under Elias’s chin. Elias lifted his gaze.
“Thank you for sharing that with me,” Gerard said. “I hope you know you can trust me. I want you to trust me. I’d never do anything to hurt you. I hope I can keep showing that to you. And you can feel like you can keep opening up to me.”
Elias took Gerard’s hands. He held them tight. “I’d expected a purely political marriage. No feelings or emotions. But I like you, Gerard. I’m shocked at how much I like you. And I’d like this marriage to be something more. Something … real. Something true.”
Gerard lifted his hands and kissed Elias’s knuckles. “I want that too. Something true.”
Elias exhaled. He leaned forward and rested his forehead against Gerard’s shoulder. After opening himself up, he felt wrung out and like he was about to fall apart. Thankfully, Gerard wrapped his arms around Elias, holding him together.
And in that moment, Elias wished he could tell Gerard everything. When it was just the two of them, in Gerard’s cave surrounded by his hoard of fossilised lightning, Elias almost felt like he could spill all his sacred secrets.
But he could not. They were Voltaria’s secrets, and they were not his to share.
However, the war was over now. He was practically retired from being an archmage. So maybe it did not matter if he kept that one secret. He’d just be honest about everything else.
Elias hoped that would be enough.