Chapter 39
39
What outfit would Connor really hate? Bel thought, with a smile, surveying her wardrobe. I seek a ‘How Dare You Show Me Up Like This’ impact. She no longer wanted to go tonight and needed her clothes to convey it.
She’d abruptly gone off the prospect after Connor messaged: ‘I know I dropped my brother visit on you a bit, no worries if you’ve got better things to do! Very much extra to requirements rather than essential.’
Unthinkingly, with innocent enthusiasm and the warmth of a return exclamation mark, Bel insta-replied: ‘No, I’d like to meet him!’
Then the ripple of typing dots, three times, starting and stopping. Bel frowned. It wasn’t hard to give her a time and a location. Then it dawned– she was supposed to take the hint and politely back out. Having not got the outcome he’d angled for, Connor was now tying himself in diplomatic knots trying to both act pleased and hint again, always a tricky, highly skilled manoeuvre.
Sure enough, his fourth– fourth!– bout of typing resulted in:
OK cool, want to join us for food? Thinking about optics– it doesn’t make sense I’d take my brother out for dinner on a Saturday night if he’s come this far, and leave my girlfriend at home? But if you want to do drinks-only I’m happy to come up with a rationale, not as if we’re likely to have to use it. Up to you!’
This time, she read his regret perfectly clearly. A no-worries-if-not that reeked of hoping for a cancellation from the other party. If he didn’t want her there he should’ve swallowed it and borne his error nobly, as she did when he tagged along to Schofield’s. Take the hit and let her erroneously believe her company was welcome. Bel was surprised by how put out she was. It wasn’t like her to fret on minor slights, especially from people who weren’t important to her.
She supposed she thought they’d reached a friendly détente, over bacon sandwiches, the morning after the night before. Dare she say it, she’d enjoyed his company and thought it was mutual. So it made her feel like she was being Undercover Conned too.
Bel briefly agonised about whether to fake-find something she was doing after all, but it would be so lumpenly obvious.
‘Food sounds good,’ Bel eventually replied coolly. ‘How about I ask my friend Shilpa to join? Four is always a better number.’
Given it was too late to back out, better to seek reinforcements.
‘Sure. Will forward details.’
Chilly. Great. What a win, Connor, now neither of us want to be there.
Shilpa arrived with the eagerness of Roadrunner in a deep red vinyl coat with white shearling collar and cuffs, taking advantage of Manchester’s cold snap this weekend, even in high summer. It was completely OTT and suited her incredibly well.
‘Do I look like Whore Santa? Love your dress!’ she said to Bel.
Bel had gone for ankle-length navy cord, with smocked bodice, tiny yellow flower print, long sleeves and frilly cuffs, and clompy lace-up boots. It was Amish wife meets petulant sixth former. She felt sure Connor Adams would think it was provocatively unattractive.
‘Thanks. It’s going to be loathed by male eyes isn’t it? Excellent.’
‘I don’t know, it makes your boobs look nice. I wouldn’t overestimate them.’
If Connor Adams had ever thought about her mammaries, except possibly to find a fault, Bel was Liza Minnelli.
As they walked to the restaurant, 10 Tib Lane, just beyond the Town Hall, Shilpa wrestled her phone from her flamboyant coat pocket to show Bel an Instagram: ‘New “shit ABBA” has dropped.’
Bel laughed as she saw a photo of two bearded men, a blonde and a brunette.
Rufus, Nicky, Tim and Rhiannon were on a weekend away in Galway, rosy-cheeked in walking gear and brandishing pints of Guinness in a proper boozer.
‘It is very double-dating cosy. I hope they had an argument over Tim burning out the clutch in the hire car and everyone’s simmering,’ Bel said. ‘He always did drive like Jason Bourne.’
Shilpa stuffed her phone back in her pocket.
‘Sick of it. Rufus wouldn’t walk as far as Nisa Local for some Monster Munch when he was with me. Also, I posted my favourite courgette pasta and Rufus commented “serving … a custodial sentence” and sorry, he does NOT retain rights to mock my cooking.’
Bel suppressed more laughter as she could see Shilpa was genuinely upset.
Bel chose her words carefully. ‘How bothered are you really? I don’t mean that in an accusing way. In a “I thought your feelings for Rufus were deader than Geronimo the dead Alpaca way”.’
Shilpa sighed.
‘I thought we were playing by the same rules. I’d never have done this to him. He’s made me feel stupid for thinking we still had an understanding.’
‘I know exactly what you mean. But we left them and they have male egos and here we are. They’ve done it precisely to make us feel like this. We got everything we wanted. We have to let this hurt a bit for as long as it hurts a bit.’
‘Yeah. I think getting everything I wanted is my problem,’ Shilpa said, removing a strand of her loose hair from her lip-gloss, ‘Divorce is an utter shitshow. I know Rufus was scared of being single and I wasn’t, because I wanted out so much. Now he’s happy and I’m alone and it feels like the Gods are saying suck it, bitch. I am not meant to get divorced. As my mum said, it’s yet more white behaviour from me.’
‘Yes, except Rufus rushing into something fast might not work out and you, taking your time to repair, probably will. I mean, you don’t even know that he is happy. This could be an empty gesture to get back at you, as you said.’
‘True,’ Shilpa said. ‘But you think Rhiannon’s real?’
‘Oh, Tim and Rhiannon are definitely real. I realise, with hindsight, she might’ve been waiting for him, and that’s spooky. Good luck to them.’
‘Tonight is what I need,’ Shilpa said. ‘Connor’s brother’s married?’
‘Married, lives in the States, and you’re not getting together with someone who would keep Connor Adams in my orbit, thankyouverymuch .’
‘Imagine if we did a retaliation selfie with them!’
‘My employment prohibits, I’m relieved to say.’
Tib Lane, a low-lit, unfussy yet fashionable ‘big plates and little plates’ restaurant had been chosen by Connor.
He was at the table, against a wall of copper-green distressed plaster, wearing a dark blue shirt, raising a hand to say ‘over here’, his chestnut-brown hair and strong bone structure immediately distinguishable and striking. Shilpa would gnash her teeth at the banned selfie.
‘Evening. Nice dress,’ Connor said to Bel, mildly, and if he was trolling her, it was too subtly done for her to tell. So, 1-0 Connor.
Bel carefully took a seat opposite Connor’s brother: shorter and stockier than Connor, with the same dark hair, cut shorter, and, she soon discovered, far more amenable. If he’d heard anything negative about Bel, it didn’t show.
His work in Washington was fascinating and Bel was soon deep into the intricacies of the US political system vs the British civil service, and the culture shock of marrying an American.
She’d thought Connor’s ‘alpha’ descriptor could mean ‘potentially overbearing’ but the only time she saw it in action was when Shaun said: ‘Shall we get the whole menu and see if there’s anything we want to reorder? Cool, that’s sorted.’
She wasn’t about to complain about the sort of commanding masculinity that ended up with double portions of Pommes Anna.
When Shaun went to the loo, Connor and Shilpa were in an involved conversation about how Shilpa wooed her ex-husband on a budget crossing to Berlin. The way Connor’s body language transformed with Shilpa into someone open and sweet-natured, who smiled easily and often, was truly enraging, Bel thought.
He was leaning back, absently ruffling his hair as he spoke, gurgling at Shilpa remarks. I mean, Bel fumed inwardly, I’ve never even seen that many of his teeth? Literally if not metaphorically. I’ve never seen his face do that? Why did he only ever inflict sullen, guarded mode on her, specifically?
Connor unexpectedly glanced over at her and Bel was fully caught out, staring at him with an intent expression. He stared back, frowning: very clearly thinking something and communicating it. Bel felt a reverberation between them. The strange thing was, until now she’d have interpreted his expression as ‘don’t window shop what you cannot afford’ self-regard. But it didn’t feel like that. It felt like …?
Shaun returned. Shilpa went to the loo in turn, leaving the three of them together.
‘Fuck me,’ Connor said, looking at his phone. ‘Sorry, dirty laundry– but I’m quite drunk. I told my parents that me and Jen had separated. My mum wanted to text her to say she was sorry. I’ve had a message from Jennifer raging that I told my parents our decision was mutual. “To be clear, I didn’t want to break up and you did.” I didn’t tell them about the other guy or the nude she sent me, out of consideration for her privacy and image. And she’s got the balls to say I’ve defamed her by not saying I dumped her? Now I’ve got a message from my mum saying, “do I know how much Jen wants to make it work?”’
‘Jennifer’s actually given you a gift here,’ Shaun said.
‘She has? Enlighten me. It’s got a layer of wrapping.’
‘Can you have the slightest doubt you made the right decision? She thinks she’s a star witness for the defence but on taking the stand, ends up helping the prosecution.’
Bel laughed and then said: ‘Sorry,’ to Connor and Connor said: ‘No he’s right. I hate Shaun’s propensity for being right.’
‘You know, something I’ve discovered in life …’ Shaun said.
‘Here we go,’ Connor sighed.
‘Some people– and I don’t mean bad people, all sorts of people– have no interest in changing their behaviour in order to seek better outcomes, and the condition is lifelong. Once you realise you’re dealing with one of those people you can make an informed decision about how much energy to give them.’
‘I’m going to put that in my Notes app,’ Bel said, eyes wide.
‘Could I convince everyone to have a post-dinner cocktail?’ Connor said. ‘The bar here looks nice. Tell you what, I’ll see if there’s a table free before we move?’
‘I’m going to answer for Shilpa as a yes,’ Bel said.
He chucked his napkin down and stood up.
‘He’s not usually like this, you know,’ Shaun said, nodding after his brother, once Connor had gone round the corner. ‘In his attitude to the Manchester branch of your enterprise.’
‘How do you mean?’ Bel said, suddenly riveted. She’d never thought Shaun would break rank. So Connor had been slagging the northern HQ, she might’ve known.
‘He’s not usually this closed-off and jaded. The real Connor is too trusting, if anything. He sees the best in people and tries to take on their problems and fix them. But he picked the wrong career and the wrong woman and it broke his spirit. You’re meeting him in the plaster cast healing mode. Actually, that analogy works well. He’s currently got a hard shell round him while the bones mend. But it’s not part of him.’
‘OK. I will bear that in mind,’ Bel said. She paused. ‘You mean there is a whole easier, parallel version Connor I haven’t met? Fuck.’
Shaun burst out laughing so loud it startled her.
‘He’s been that bad? I mean, he’s a bossy, opinionated little shit, that part’s forever.’
‘He’s not been that bad, and I wasn’t perfect either,’ Bel said, ‘I think because he didn’t want to come here, he took it out on us a bit. I mean he didn’t turn up acting like he wanted to make friends …’
‘Therefore he’s not made any?’ Shaun finished.
‘He’s got an ardent fan in Shilpa,’ Bel said, smiling.
She registered that with this new perspective, she felt strangely unsettled, without knowing why. Whoever Connor authentically was or wasn’t, he was a month away from being replaced, and forgotten.