Chapter 45
45
‘I think you’re being incredibly hard on yourself,’ Connor said.
‘I think I’m going easy on myself! I did that with someone else’s husband, and broke my ex’s heart, and I’m making out like it’s my ordeal. It’s my main character syndrome you identified.’
‘It was your ordeal,’ Connor said, in a gentle tone. ‘Break-ups in serious long-term relationships are always really hard. Of course you agonised about it. If you’d been less of a person you wouldn’t have. You were fragile. And fuckers like that guy? They can sense fragility a mile off.’
‘Thank you, but I think I emotionally destroyed Tim. Our mothers are best friends, his family is almost my family. His nice parents, who’ve known me since I was a kid, sent me a letter telling me exactly what I’d done to him, which was an incredibly hard read.’
Bel choked up again. She couldn’t see that her falling out of love with this Tim wasn’t sadism, it was just a shame.
‘In that case, sorry, they aren’t that nice,’ Connor said, firmly. ‘His parents? How old is Tim?
‘Same age as us.’
‘He shouldn’t have mum and dad playing HR department in his break-ups, then.’
‘Maybe he didn’t know.’
‘Men who let their parents do that always know.’
‘He didn’t have to protect me, he didn’t owe me that.’
‘He did owe you that,’ Connor said. ‘You owe basic respect and decency to your partner, even when they break your heart. What he knew about your character didn’t disappear when you said you wanted to end things. Caring isn’t about self-interest.’
Bel looked at him as if she had never considered this before and was genuinely taking it in. There might be some bonding going on. Connor had a sudden powerful conviction, the sort that tended to turn up in low-lit bars with strong drinks, that if he could fix her sadness, it’d fix his sadness.
‘Tell me this, is Tim so hurt he’s now forever alone?’
‘No, he’s with Rhiannon.’
‘There you go,’ Connor said, ‘You had to get out of the way to let that story happen. The complication of the other guy was a burden you chose to spare him, and you’re carrying that burden very heavily yourself. Let the guilt go. The very fact you feel this much guilt is proof of who you are.’
Bel let out a deep breath she’d been holding, eyes still glittering with tears, and said: ‘Thank you.’
‘You know I’m right. For once.’ For some reason, he discovered he’d momentarily give anything for her to find him attractive, even though he knew she didn’t.
‘I would love you to be right this once,’ Bel smiled. In the candlelight glow, she really was quite beautiful. ‘Tonight you saw a scene from the grotesque epilogue. Could you take another drink?’ She nodded at his glass.
‘Yeah. Let’s have our grotesque epilogue be tomorrow’s hangover,’ Connor said, and found himself trying the sort of winning smile he’d not deployed on a woman for a long time. Bel beamed back.
He sat, face propped on palm, while she was at the bar and didn’t check his phone. He wanted to absorb the moment and the pleasure of the company. He’d not talked like this with anyone for a long time. He’d not seen a version of himself, reflected back in someone else’s eyes, that he liked.
It was as if his appetite had returned after a sickness. He’d started to think it had gone for good.