Charisma #3
I pushed him because he should’ve known I would never discount his intelligence because of his profession.
His grinning meant there were no hard feelings and now he was just fucking with me the same way I’d done him.
“No. Poetic for someone who isn’t as serious as you normally are. I never expected that.”
He moved his finger in a spiral urging me to go on. “Continue about this boyfriend.”
I couldn’t help but giggle since his disdain was clear from the tone of his voice to the scowl on his face. “You don’t have to say it like that.”
“The fuck I don’t.” He looked like a little kid pouting with his foot braced against the tree and his arms folded.
“He’s not the type of man I would’ve ever picked for myself.”
“Then break up with him.”
“I can’t.”
He leaned forward now, those near obsidian eyes studying my face for any hint of fear.
“Why can’t you? My brother was trapped in a weird ass entanglement with a bitch who was wholly undeserving of his kindness.
I can already tell that your ass is in the same boat, Charmy.
That bitch kept him away from the woman of his dreams for two years.
We don’t do that over here anymore, we shoot muthafuckas. ”
“Dang.”
“The conniving ass bitch that kept my brother away from his wife for so long, she’s in jail now. I’d hate to pin some shit on a nigga I ain’t ever met but if that’s the way it’s gonna go for me to get what’s mine—”
“He’s not a bad person. He’s in the closet and he doesn’t want anyone to know.”
“Like a power bottom or a top?”
“I have no idea and there is no part of me that has ever wanted to know those answers. Besides, would that matter?” That was absolutely not the response I expected from Nate. In fact, it came out of left field and my brain felt like I was concussed.
“Nah, actually not. Two dicks equal some form of gay so it doesn’t really matter. My brain was reaching for an appropriate response and I certainly chose the wrong one. I didn’t see you as the type of woman that went for bisexual guys but I won’t knock what you like.”
“He’s not bisexual, Nate. He’s GAY.”
Nate was sitting here talking about framing this man for a crime he didn’t commit and blurting out Trent’s business seemed the lesser of two evils.
Nate’s mouth was open, then he closed it but immediately opened it again.
“Hol’ up, you’re his beard?” He sounded so delighted that I hated the joy I was about to destroy when I finished telling him the truth.
“He knows something about me that would break my parents’ hearts if they knew. I don’t want that type of disappointment since they already disapprove of just about everything about me.”
“Would it kill them?”
I toyed with the ends of my hair hating the way I felt like Nate may judge me for what I was going to say. “Uh…it might be heart attack inducing.”
“Would you go to jail if it got out? I mean it wouldn’t because I would handle that shit for you, but I’m trying to gauge the level of seriousness here.
” He’d started to speak and then had a conversation with himself mid conversation before addressing me again.
For him to say he would handle it without even knowing what it was seemed crazy to me.
And I somehow knew he meant every word he said and would deliver on that promise.
I toyed with my fingers knowing I was going to rip the lock off Pandora’s box and potentially alter how he saw me forever. But it was better to do it now than later. “No, it’s nothing like that. I got pregnant when I was in college and—”
“You had an abortion.”
“Yeah. The pill kind when you kinda just while away the weekend in pain.” It was the worst experience I’d ever had and while I knew I’d made the right choice I still hated that I’d put myself in that situation.
I know a lot of what I was feeling was ingrained Christian guilt but that shit was effective.
He nodded and I could see he was piecing together the facts before I spoke them. “And he knew?”
“Yeah. He was my best friend.”
“Was?” The joyful sound was back in his tone and I battled to keep myself from laughing.
“Friendship kinda dies when you’re holding someone hostage you know?”
“I understand. So you’re his beard and you’re supposed to stay that way…forever?”
I looked down knowing how stupid what I agreed to sounded before I spoke the words. “Until he feels comfortable living his truth.”
“How old is he?”
I hesitated to respond because I already knew the maelstrom my answer would bring. “31?”
“Thirty—And how long have y’all been together?” I looked up and he was doing the little air quotes with his finger like it was a physical pain for him to acknowledge that I was bound to someone else.
“Over five years.”
He stood up straight and started to pace. “Oh hell nah. That shit ain’t ever gonna happen.”
“What do you mean?”
He turned to me the fire of his emotions making his eyes glow. “You mean to tell me that a grown ass man is hiding his sexuality from people. What does he do for a living?”
“He’s in finance—”
“Plenty of finance bros suck dick. Ask me how I know.”
He said it so easily I was now eyeing him warily. “How do you know?”
Nate’s head cocked to one side and attitude was seared into his features.
“Girl! I know a lot of people in this world and they talk to me because I don’t judge.
A lot of folks in my profession feel the need to project what they think is acceptable masculinity and I don’t.
They let me know what’s up with a lot of people who are pretending to be virtuous and aren’t.
Besides, I observe a lot of shit. Have you slept with him? ”
“You’re asking me if I’ve slept with the gay man?” I was hoping saying it out loud would make him understand how ridiculous he sounded.
“I mean he might’ve wanted to make sure. And you fine as hell so I’m sure he can recognize that.” Nate’s eyes traveled up my frame like he was remembering that I was indeed fine and standing right in front of him.
“Hell no. I don’t see him like that at all.”
“Why he on your mind right now? You say something he didn’t like?” I hadn’t realized that I’d been distracted. Thought I’d hidden it well but out here it was easy for my mind to drop the act and show that I was troubled by something.
“I did what I normally do. I expressed my emotions to who I thought was a friend.”
“And?”
I was embarrassed but there was no way around this part of the conversation. “I told him about you.”
“Well, what—”
“That I was having feelings for you.” I rushed out the confession hoping that he wouldn’t be too brutal with his words when he spoke them. Instead of his normal quip, Nate looked almost speechless for a moment before he pulled his cowboy hat off of his head.
“You spoke to your boyfriend about me.”
“Yeah, my gay boyfriend. I didn’t think it was a big deal. Apparently, I was wrong.”
His head tilted the look of bewilderment deepening on his face before he took a deep exhale and put his hat back on his head. “Charisma… this is some of the weirdest shit I’ve ever heard of. I never thought I’d have to put voice to some shit like this.”
“Imagine how I feel!”
He chuckled softly before attempting to silence it. The grin that remained spoke to the fact that my predicament amused him. “This is your fucked up ass life so continue on.”
“Nate!”
“Girl! The fuck you want me to say, Charisma? I told you I would never lie to you and this shit is in fact fucked up. Keep going.” He leaned back against the tree giving me silent permission to carry on with how I was feeling.
“You not making this easier by making me laugh.”
“And here I thought laughter made everything better. Hell, you gotta find joy in life. Even in fucked up ass situations like this, Charisma.”
“What did you say?”
“I said you have to find joy even in fucked up situations. What’s the point of life if you’re just walking around being sad?”
“Yeah… yeah that’s it exactly.” I’d had that same outlook for years even during my darkest times. Art had been the thing that kept me grounded. That allowed me to still find joy in the sadness. Hearing Nate say it felt like confirmation.
“Sometimes being sad is called for and you gotta take a minute but then you gotta regroup. Shake that shit off and bounce back. I hope I’m not sounding like the rainbow and sunshine toxic positivity people but it’s me knowing everyday I got on this earth is a gift.
The last thing I’m about to do is spend it sulking my life away over somebody else’s bullshit.
And you for damn sure aren’t. So come on, tell me how this nigga messed up and how I can make it better. ”
“I told him about you. That I—”
“That you like me. I gathered that. We’ll skim over that for now but trust we’re going to revisit that shit later though. And by later I’m meaning before the sunset sets.”
“That’s in like three hours, Nate.”
“Long as you know.”
“I told him about you and he threatened me—”
He was back on alert and I should’ve chosen my words far more carefully. “Threatened you the fuck how?”
“Hold on there, cowboy.”
He waved me off and I could see him getting himself worked up. “No. Nah. There ain’t no hold on there cowboy. A man threatened you?”
“He’s GAY, Nate!”
“He’s still a gotdamn MAN. You ain’t out here saying he’s trans. If he was that would be a slightly different conversation but only kinda. Cause if a trans woman was built like a linebacker bowing up at you, I might have to trip her ass if she tried something.”
“That’s mildly toxic and mildly sweet.”
“It all comes down to size, baby girl. I’m not ever going to sit idly by and let somebody who might be able to whip your ass come at you wrong. I don’t give a fuck about pronouns when it comes to protecting people I care about.”
“You care about me, Nate?”
“Charisma, you had me thinking you were in the accelerated reader program and now I’m wondering if you were a kid that should’ve been left behind.”
“Shut up!” I was trying to be serious but he had me laughing yet again.