Chapter 34
Maggie
Abroken heart is slow. It takes its time to make sure every last bit of you is deconstructed to the point where you cannot fathom how you ever existed before that which made you love.
My mind and heart are an ever-revolving mirage of Hadley, every feeling he evoked from me, every memory I swore I’d cherish till my last breath.
Now, they burrow their way into my flesh like a rusty corkscrew.
Agony is too small a word to describe the total annihilation I’ve succumbed to.
I’ve been locked away in my room for three days and nights.
Still the pain is just as raw, just as incapacitating, as the moment I saw history was, in fact, repeating itself right before my eyes as I stood in the arena and Hadley was carted away on the stretcher. Again.
The one and only promise I made myself.
And I almost broke it.
Almost.
I managed to avoid the tragedy that tried to break my mother, yet I feel as if I’ve lost more. And the reason Meredith Gallagher is currently pounding on my door. Chatter of removing it from its hinges slips under the gap at the bottom.
I haul myself from the bed, puffy-eyed and dehydrated within an inch of my life. When I reach the door, I open it, and a warm hug envelops me instantly.
“Oh sweetheart. We are so worried about you.” Her face drops into my hair. Brad stands behind her, emotion crossing his face before he has a chance to school it back.
“I’m fine, Mom. I’ll live.”
I’m unsure if I can say the same for Hadley. My cowboy who doesn’t know when to quit because he thinks he can’t.
Everything rides on his shoulders.
His family.
His ranch.
Nia’s education.
It’s too much for one man. Yet here I am, taking the coward’s way out. Running.
Just like—
The thought is a slap to the face that makes me stumble backward out of Mom’s arms.
Oh my god, how did I not see it?
I left him like his father did. And he—
Hadley’s words come flooding back in.
“It’s alright, Sunshine, I’ve got you. Go on and break my heart, baby.”
Of course he does, he’s got everyone. He’s the man holding the world up for his family. He’s the man who fixes what’s broken. Who makes ends meet or tries to so his family not only doesn’t need to worry, they also don’t go without.
He lives on fumes so they can have a good life.
I turn back and see the reflection of my ragged heartbeat scrawled over Mom’s face and hesitate.
“Tell me what’s happening, please. Is it Hadley?” Her gaze searches my face.
The second my face breaks under the emotion I’ve been volleying around for the last seventy-two hours, she breaks alongside me.
Brad steps out and shuts the door softly as Mom holds me close and guides me to the bed. “Oh, my sweet, sweet girl.”
I huff a strained laugh. I’ll always be her little girl.
Always.
“Tell me everything, get it out so it won’t eat you alive. Trust me, it never ends well.”
I suck in a breath, but another sob tumbles right on out.
“You’re in love with him?” she says softly.
The sobs fall freely as I nod.
“And he’s in some sort of trouble?”
I can’t even bring myself to say it. I can’t face my mother and let her witness the way I ran from the most incredible man I’ve ever met because I was scared.
I can’t tell her the same thing is likely about to happen to me as it did her.
I won’t.
“From what Levi’s told us, we have mostly pieced together what is going on here.” She rubs circles over my back. “And my girl, that cowboy loves you something fierce. Levi hashed over the events of last weekend. Then you came home early. We put two and two together.”
“How could I do this to him, Mom?” I sob.
“Nothing is done yet. You got scared. It’s completely rational since that’s how we lost your dad. But, Maggie, Hadley is not your father.”
I huff a tangled laugh at the way she pulls a face.
Always trying to make me feel better.
“History isn’t happening all over again, I promise you.
” She traces a finger over my temple, brushing a stray strand of hair behind my ear.
Never in my adult life have I felt like a child, not even after coming home from the Ukraine and the incident.
Now, I feel like the last one to figure out something everyone else has understood for weeks.
“Baby, it’s okay to be scared, but you need to do the scary stuff regardless of your fears.
” She tilts her head. “I don’t need to tell you this.
You’ve traveled the world. Done so many things I would never have dreamed of.
This is the fear talking. To be honest with you, the first time I ever saw it in you was when you came home after Cap and his crew. ”
My face crumples. The months, years of hurt all tumble out, picking up momentum, catching any sliver of trauma it can find as it works its way out. I fall apart in Mom’s arms until I can’t find another strand of heartbreak in me to tug free.
Until I have no tears left from the fear and pain.
And I’m just done.
As if centered back to equilibrium, I only need one thing to set my heart and head right.
My mountains.
Mom offers to come with me. But I pack snacks and water and set off on my own to take a hike and catch a sunset and reassess my life from here on in. I have some hard decisions to make, and no one else can do that for me.
The positions going for photojournalist are about as scarce as hen’s teeth. I scroll LinkedIn on the laptop, scanning for anything that would remotely interest me and pays well enough that I won’t need a second part-time gig to support myself.
It’s been over two hours of not much of anything when my phone lights up.
Levi.
I stare at the phone like it’s some coded message from an alien race before it darkens, going silent.
I refocus on the screen in front of me. The career I’ve worked for my entire life. The one that almost cost me my life, the one I’m not giving up on.
The phone buzzes again.
This time I pick up.
“Hey, Levi.”
“Mornin’, Maggie. You see the draw for tomorrow night?”
I sigh. “No. I’m not inclined to look, either.”
He stays silent for a beat before, “We miss your pretty face around the chutes. Brady’s got nothing on you, missy.” I can almost see Levi smiling on the other end.
But I’m not going to the last event.
I plan on seeing how it goes after the fact. I can’t watch. I can’t sit there in the stands while my heart is obliterated by a raging bull.
I won’t.
After the dust settles, I’ll reach out.
“I know something happened between you two, but we’d all love to see you at that event. Jones isn’t the only one who got used to having you around.”
I smile, but it’s sad.
I miss them all. I do.
Even maybe Knox . . .
Maybe.
“I’ll think about it.”
“Good enough for me. Oh, and by the way, Spencer and the crew bought you the best seat in the house.”
“Oh, they did?”
“Yeah, you’re with us. Honorary crew.”
An ache blooms in my chest and I whisper a goodbye before I hang up.
Why is this so damn hard?
I continue my scroll. A position that’s a little different from the rest pops up, and I click on it and get to work.
Maggie Gallagher, back in the professional photojournalist saddle.
The hiccupped laugh-sob spilling from me has me feeling all sorts of ways about the next few days.
Hitting the submit button, I half want to take it back, half hope I get it straight up.
Never before have I been so indecisive in my entire life.
It’s midday Saturday. The Pbr grand final is just hours away. I turn on my heel as the service bell rings, heading for the kitchen to collect another order. At the shelf, I grab up the two plates and make to take them to the table. They don’t budge.
I glance up to see Mom holding the plates on the other side.
“No, Mom.”
I know what she’s doing, but I’ve made up my mind. I’m protecting myself. Protecting my career. After hours in the forest and about a million tears, I chose myself. I chose to not spend the rest of my days wondering if Hadley is coming home to me.
I can’t deal with that.
As much as I know I’m breaking my own heart, I’ll try my best to wade through this. I’ve done hard things before . . .
She’s still staring at me, playing tug-of-war over the plates, so I relent and drop my hands. “What?”
“You know what.”
“I’ve made my decision. Besides, it’s too late. The event starts in five hours.”
Mom raises an eyebrow. “If he’s not worth the risk, why were you inseparable for months?”
“I—” My mouth gapes.
“If he’s not worth fighting for, why were you locked in your room for days, heartbroken?”
I snap my mouth shut.
Mom slides the plate off the shelf and walks through the server door.
“This is my place. This is the life I built for us, but this isn’t your end game.
” She walks to the center of the dining room and places the plates with the patrons who ordered.
I stand, put in my place, as she walks back to me.
“This is not the strong girl I raised. I know your entire life changed that day in the Humvee, sweetheart. But this isn’t part of it. ”
“It’s complicated,” I mutter. Even I know that’s a cop-out.
“It’s as simple or as complicated as you make it, my girl.”
She disappears into the kitchen and I’m left staring at the swinging door, wishing I’d made a different choice.
The old grandfather clock in the foyer chimes, a two-dong call.
Five hours to go.
The same amount of time it takes to drive from here to Edmonton.
Right into the heart of the Pbr final.
I clutch the apron strings behind my back, closing my eyes briefly. Tugging them undone, I rip the half apron off and toss it onto the nearest table.
Fuck it.