CHAPTER 1 #2
I let out a low groan as my lips thin into a hard line.
I’m not even sure how many times we’ve had a conversation about putting her clothes in the hamper and letting me know how full it is.
But I still stand up and give her a nod which has her breathing a sigh of relief.
It won’t be long before she’s doing her laundry herself; something to look forward to and dread.
“I’ll throw a load in now,” I call out as I head toward her room.
Even though I have a room at the clubhouse in the casino the Steel Sinners run, Elysium, Rian and I needed our own space.
A little girl can’t grow up in a clubhouse or a casino.
Even though I’m sure my brothers wouldn’t have minded all that much, living amongst glitter, princesses, and everything pink would have been grumbled about.
This way, we get the best of both worlds.
When I step into Rian’s room, I can’t help but scowl at the dirty clothes on her floor. On the floor, not in her hamper. I collect everything quickly, including the pair of jeans in question. Just as I’m about to head out and load the washing machine, something on her desk catches my eye.
Everything else is covered in stickers or marker drawings, but the envelope on her desk, which clearly has something in it, is pristine.
After glancing at the door, I grab it and carefully pull the paper out and unfold it.
As much as I respect my daughter’s privacy, my curiosity gets the better of me.
The letter is short, but it has my heart clenching in my chest.
Dear Dream Mom,
I’m not sure what is taking you so long to find me, but I’m still wishing on the stars for you to find your way to me. Do you look at the stars and think about me? I know you’re out there because I can feel it.
The woman who gave birth to me has never been like the moms my friends have. I think she wasn’t meant to really be my mom and there was some sort of mistake.
I’m glad I have my dad, he’s the best. But I miss you. I don’t even know you and I miss you.
Sometimes when I’m twirling, I can feel you dancing next to me.
I’ll be looking for you. Don’t take too long? I’m not the only one who needs you, dad needs you too.
I love you already,
Rian
My heart breaks for my daughter and I hate that the indifference of the woman who gave birth to her touched her at all. I’ve spent her entire life protecting her from Shania. And I failed her.
I failed my girl. The reality of it slams into me as I fold up the paper and slip it back into the envelope.
The yearning and the need my little girl has for a mom, one worthy of the title, fucking wrecks me. I don’t know if she’ll ever have the connection she is clearly craving.
I’m reminded of when Shania tracked me down a few months after our one night together. The victorious expression on her face made me scowl and I crossed my arms across my chest as if that would be enough to shield me from whatever was coming my way. And I knew something was coming.
“I’m pregnant,” Shania’s voice rang out in the main lounge of the clubhouse floor in Elysium and my brothers fell silent.
I didn’t say anything at first. Honestly, I couldn’t. As my brothers tightened around me, either wanting to be closer as the drama unfolded or wanting to support me, I had a moment of clarity.
“If you are pregnant,” as I spoke, Shania opened her mouth but shut it quickly when I continued, “and if it is mine, then I will take care of my child.” From the way my brothers shifted on their feet, they saw the triumph in her eyes the same as I did.
“We will come up with a coparenting schedule. I will not be kept from my child’s life but make no mistake about one thing—there is nothing between us. ”
Her jaw dropped and for a moment she was a frozen tableau of shock and misplaced expectations. “You can’t be serious,” she sputtered. “I’m pregnant with your child, it’s your responsibility to make me your Old Lady. I know how this works,” she sneered.
“You don’t know shit,” I leaned toward her, looming above her, and she seemed to understand that things really weren’t going to go as she expected.
“What I have to do is take responsibility for my child if you are pregnant with my child. I’ll always take care of my child, but what I won’t do is be trapped in some sort of relationship with you.
If that was your goal, then you miscalculated. ”
“You’re going to regret this,” she hissed.
My brothers stepped in closer, a reminder and a threat all in one.
“No,” my voice was low, cold, and controlled, “you are the one who is going to regret this. You have the choice to make as to whether you’re going to be a mother to my child, if this baby is mine.
That decision will be on you. Also, be aware that if you do anything to harm this child, especially if it is mine, you’ll find out very quickly how bad life can truly get. ”
My brothers grumbled their agreement and the temperature in the room dropped. Shania’s eyes widened as she looked around and it was obvious that the situation had truly sunk in.
She wasn’t lying and the baby was mine. Once the reality of not getting what she wanted and expected from me sunk in, it became obvious that she never cared about Rian. A baby was simply a bargaining chip to her.
As I dump my girl’s clothes into the washing machine, my phone rings. When I pull it out, my mom is calling and I answer with a smile on my face.
“Hey, Mom,” I greet her, “everything okay out at Sagebrush?”
“Everything’s fine,” she assures me. “I was just calling to talk about Rian’s birthday. It’s coming up and if you need any help with planning something, I’m here and ready to help.”
I chuckle at how excited she sounds and some of that heartbreak becomes easier to bear. Rian might not have a mother, but she has a grandmother and aunt who love her fiercely.
That’s going to have to be enough because I can’t imagine a woman coming into my life worth letting past my walls. I’ve spent too much time protecting my daughter and I will never allow anyone else to threaten her peace.