6. Chapter 6
Chapter six
Jordie
“ I s this alright?” Ray plucks at the tight black jeans I brought him to try on. I have to bite my lip to keep from hitting on him when he turns around and shows off his gorgeous round ass in the skin-hugging denim. Granted, he’s looked hot in every single outfit he’s tried on today, and the binder we got earlier seems to really be making a difference in his confidence with clothes. He hasn’t reached for his ever present hoodie since putting on the first new shirt over the binder.
These pants are pushing his limits though. They’re more of a going out look, because I want to show him off to my friends. As amazing as the pants look on him, they might not be the right look for Ray right now. I just want to figure out what about them is wrong so I can find something that works for him.
“So much more than alright. Makes your ass look fantastic,” I say.
Oops, guess I can’t help myself after all. Well, he looks hot. And I’m allowed to look, right? Jacob would certainly say so, but he might not be the best moral compass to follow.
“Yeah? It’s not obvious that I’m… ya know?” He gestures vaguely at his crotch where there’s no telltale bulge. Okay, yeah, maybe the outline of his dick would be visible in the pants if he was cis, but that’s what packers are for.
It’s not like most people would notice unless they were actively checking him out. Which I shouldn’t be doing when he’s looking at me with those wide vulnerable eyes and begging me to teach him how to do this. Step into the world as something other than what everyone’s always told him he should be.
He doesn’t need me to teach him how to be himself for real. He just needs someone to hold his hand and tell him it’s okay. That he’s perfect the way he is; no need to hide or tone himself down to fit other people’s expectations.
“Hmm.” I tap a finger on my chin as I scrutinize the outfit. “Is it obvious that you’re hot in those pants? Isn’t that the point of a going out outfit?”
Ray rolls his eyes at me, but he stops fussing with the clothing. “That I don’t have a dick,” he hisses under his breath, glancing surreptitiously around to be sure we’re still alone in the cramped changing area.
Okay, so he’s not comfortable. There’s no need for him to wear something I like if he doesn’t feel good wearing it. Even if he might like it some day when he’s more confident in his body. Ugh. I need to reel myself in a bit, but he needs to hear this. I want to encourage him without exerting any undue influence on his style.
“If you aren’t comfy, then those aren’t the pants for you. But also, it’s not anyone else’s business what’s in your pants unless you’re planning to show them.” I arch a brow at him and Ray snorts.
“Yeah, I guess. I just… want to be a normal guy.” He picks at the tight clothes. Yep, those pants are a definite nope.
“What’s normal?” I ask, his question rubbing against my insecurities. I tell most people that normal is a city in Illinois, but I went through a similar phase. Nothing good came of trying to suppress what I knew about myself to fit other people’s norms. I want to spare Ray from going through that if I can. “You can be a normal guy with long hair, or who wears sexy skinny jeans, or one who wears baggy joggers, or whatever makes you feel comfortable with yourself. Anyone who tells you there’s one right way to be yourself is a liar.”
“You think?” Ray asks, those wide blue eyes of his fixed on me, full of hope. Damn, his earnestness is going to wreck all my good intentions about keeping this platonic.
“I don’t think; I know. You are exactly the glorious Ray of sunshine that you are meant to be, no matter what you wear.” I reach out to boop his nose and he snorts at me, then turns to pout into the mirror, plucking at his shirt now. The v-neck and snug fit seems to make him uncomfortable, so I shove a dorky sweater-vest at him. He kept ogling it on the racks, but didn’t grab it himself.
“Try this on over it. Layers will make you look even flatter.” I gesture toward his chest. Getting the binder to lay just right will take practice, and layering can help emphasize the more masculine look, anyway.
“It’s not too nerdy?” Ray takes the soft knit with a dubious frown.
“Who cares if it is?” I challenge, shooing him with my fingers to get him to put it on already.
Ray bites his lip, but he obediently goes back into the changing cubicle to humor me. I scan the changing area as I wait, and snort when I notice a sticker of the Rock’s stern face peering out from an empty cubicle. Weird place for a sticker. It reminds me of similar stickers of the same actor that appeared in one of the bathrooms at Randy’s and near the back door to Frisky’s tavern. I wonder what that’s about.
The door to Ray’s stall opens and drives all thoughts of stickers right out of my head. He makes the geek chic style work for him. There’s even a hint of a smile on his face. He’s an adorable little nerd, so who cares if he looks the part?
“Do you like it?” he asks, so hopeful it almost makes me laugh.
“I do.” I nod. And more importantly, he seems comfortable and happy in the clothes. That’s what I’m going for, not pants that make me horny. Clothes that light him up so brightly, I want nothing more than to kiss those smiling lips.
We end up finding him a bunch of clothes that suit his style. Then we pare that down to a handful of outfits with a few interchangeable wardrobe staples to bring home along with his new binder. I feel a little guilty about not checking in about a budget before this little shopping spree, but that’s why we got the clothes second hand. And Ray is grinning when he pays for his purchases, so I don’t think we broke the bank? I take half of his bags for him and he stuffs his hoodie and beanie into one of the shopping bags before we leave. It’s satisfying to finally see him dressed for the summer heat as we step back onto the sidewalk.
“Is that everything?” Ray asks. His eyes plead to be done with the shopping.
I’m sorely tempted to have mercy on him, but our last stop will be fun. And it might make him more confident about the tight pants I want him to wear to Keith and Pixel’s drag show this weekend. I want to introduce him to my friends, and maybe show him off a little. It’s going to be fun to let my buddies see how adorable my little fledgling baby queer is.
I can already picture Ray in his hot as fuck new club outfit and maybe a hint of eyeliner to emphasize his gorgeous baby blues. It might be way too soon to talk about makeup as a gender neutral thing with him, considering. Still, most of my guy friends wear some, so maybe Ray has a similar view?
Either way, I can’t wait to introduce him to everyone. I’m so ready to see him wide-eyed with wonder at leaving the nest for the first time. Ready to spread wings that he wasn’t sure he really had until it was time to soar. I want it to go well and a packer might be just the thing he needs to boost his confidence. If he’s ready.
“Jordie?” Ray interrupts my thoughts. Right, he asked a question.
“Almost done.” I’m not sure how he’s going to take going to a sex toy shop, but it’s probably best to ease him into it. Or at least warn him before we take a bus across town during the evening rush. “Or we can do this last place another time, if you’ve had enough fun for one day?.”
“What’s the last place?” Ray asks, apprehensively.
“You wanted a packer, right?”
Ray blanches. “Um, maybe?” His voice gets all squeaky with nerves. I might have underestimated how much I’ve pushed him already. He might not be ready for sex toy shopping with me yet.
“If you aren’t up for it, we can leave it for another time. And if you want something to help fill out your pants in the meantime, I have some safety pins you can use with the classic balled up sock.”
“Do guys actually do that?” He sounds dubious.
I shrug. Maybe some guys do, but I want him to feel comfortable in his new pants, so I don’t get into another chat about normal. I’m tempted to offer to make a more realistic DIY packer with him. Condoms, hair gel, and panty hose can work wonders. I swore by them until the time I helped a newly out trans masc friend make one that burst on their first night out with it. It got caught in their zipper—I’m still not sure how, but it was not a fun time. The gel made a giant mortifying mess when it popped in their pants. Socks are safer until we can get Ray the real thing.
“Sure, it’s practically a rite of passage.” I sling my arm around his shoulders. “Come on, let’s head back to campus. I have an evening lab I shouldn’t skip and you have clothes to put away.”
“Yeah. I guess I do.” His face falls when I mention that I have to head out. It makes my insides all warm and fuzzy to be so wanted that he’s upset about parting ways.
“We can grab dinner in the dining hall first, if you want?” I suggest, because I want to draw out our time together too. Perks of living in the on campus apartments are that I have a meal plan. Saves me having to cook most of my meals, and the dining halls make it easier to meet up with classmates to study and socialize.
“Dinner?” He licks his lips. “Just us?”
His question reminds me we haven’t eaten a full meal together yet, and suddenly it feels like a bigger deal. If he was one of my other friends, I’d make a flippant remark about it being a date and wink at him. Except this is my baby trans mentee who I’m supposed to keep an emotional distance from, right? Give him space to figure out who he is and what he wants?
If he was a fresh-faced teenaged first-year, I wouldn’t even be tempted, but he’s not. Ray is almost my age. He’s adorable and sweetly na?ve about some things, but he’s also not new to his sexuality, just to being seen for the guy he is.
“Uh, yeah. Unless we run into friends or something. It’s just dinner.” I shrug with a practiced nonchalance that I don’t truly feel. It’s a heady thing to be looked up to like this. The weight of not wanting to let him down balanced against the glow of being able to help him find his way. I need a minute to get my head on straight.
“Oh, yeah. Cool. Can I meet you in the dining hall after I drop off my shopping bags?” Ray asks. Is it my imagination or is he hiding disappointment?
“Sure. See you there in about fifteen minutes?” I need to stop overthinking everything with him. He’s clearly just latched onto me as the first openly queer friend he’s made in a new city.
“Sounds good! I should grab my lab notebook anyway, so I can bring your school stuff.” I give him an awkward wave and we part ways while I kick myself for fumbling with the whole super casual dinner invite.
If the point of keeping my distance is not to hurt him, I pretty much blew it. Ugh. I’m tempted to text my friends to meet us for dinner as a buffer to keep things from devolving into more awkwardness. But I also don’t want to share Ray yet. My own personal ray of sunshine for just one more night before I bring him to tomorrow night’s drag show.
***
After we part ways, I rush home to grab what I need for my evening lab. I don’t linger for long since Celeste and Pixel usually get home around this time. Partly to avoid questions about why Ray’s stuff is in our entryway, and partly just to maximize my time with him before my lab.
Meeting up with Ray in front of the dining hall goes smoothly once I remember that I’m not looking for his ever present wool beanie. As soon as I stop scanning the crowd for a shrimpy guy drowning in his oversized hoodie, I pick him out near a cluster of rowdy jocks. I lift both arms to flag him over to me. Ray waves when spots me, his face lighting up again as he beelines to my side.
I grin as I take in the sight of his tentative smile. I can’t help a quick once-over. He looks good with his freshly shorn blond hair golden in the late afternoon summer sun. He’s still wearing too many layers to hide his curves, and he keeps tugging the hem down to cover the front of his pants. But for all that, he’s cute in an open heather blue button up over the dorky tan sweater-vest over what I suspect is probably two t-shirts, minimum. So we might need to work on less is more with his styling, but still adorable.
“Hey!” We exchange pleasantries as I hand over the school bag Ray left at my apartment earlier.
Ray gives me an appreciative up-down with his eyes, trying to be surreptitious about it and failing. I opted for bold floral print leggings and a slouchy femme sweater. The chunky yarn has just enough shimmer to it to satisfy my magpie need for color and sparkle without being too over the top. I know I look good and it’s nice to be admired, but I pretend not to notice the attention so as not to encourage a crush. We fill our trays and find seats across from each other at the end of a table. It occurs to me that I’m running out of time to invite him out this weekend, so I dive right in with that first.
“So, earlier, when I asked you to come to a drag show with me?”
“Yeah? I guess I can’t use not having anything to wear as an excuse now, huh?” He chuckles weakly.
“Nope. You definitely can’t.” I grin. “So, how about Friday night? I think I mentioned that Pixel and Bella Donna are performing?” I stab a chunk of zucchini on my fork. As if I’m not totally over-invested in his response.
“Your roommate, right?” Ray asks.
“Yep, Pixel and I share an apartment along with Pixel’s girlfriend, Celeste. But it’s Donna’s debut show, so we’re all going to support her. Keith’s been a bundle of nerves all week.”
“Keith is Donna?” Ray checks.
I nod, my mouth full of veggies.
Ray gives me a sympathetic smile. “I bet he has. My second oldest brother’s ex is a drag artist. He didn’t miss a show while they were together. We still go to support her sometimes. So, I’m all for showing up to support a friend.”
“Yeah?” I try not to get my hopes up that he’s going to agree, but I really want him to. I want to take the next step in our friendship from acquaintances thrown together by taking the same class to actual friends. “So, does that mean you’d want to come along? Everyone wants to meet you.”
“They do?” Ray sounds unduly surprised by that.
“Well, yeah.” I stuff more veggies into my mouth to give myself a minute before I give away just how much I’m coming to enjoy our time together.
“Why?” Ray’s brow scrunches in adorable confusion.
“I might talk about you a lot.” I hedge.
“Oh, yeah?” he asks.
“Yeah. Anyway, come to the show and meet my friends? They’re all totally cool with the trans thing. Heck, half of us are trans or gender non-conforming and all of us are queer,” I assure him. That’s another reason I want to introduce him to my friends, so he’ll have other people to talk to about his gender stuff.
“If you’re sure it’s alright, yeah. I want to come with you.”
“Good. It’s going to be epic!” I grin at him, and Ray grins back.
That genuine smile of his could easily melt away all my resolve not to get involved with a baby queer again. One-night stands and offering guidance are fine; letting my heart get involved isn’t. I swore I wouldn’t be anyone’s long-term experiment or gay training wheels again after the ways Nell played with my heart, but Ray feels different. I definitely need a buffer if we’re going to keep this friendship growing past our biweekly standing study dates.
Introducing him to the gang seems like the best of both worlds. I like him. I want to be friends. And I want him to have the same level of support that I’ve had with my transition. Even if it means I don’t get to keep all the happy he sparks in me to myself anymore.