13. Chapter 13
Chapter thirteen
Ray
J ordie takes one look around my dorm room and settles in at my desk. I join them, perching on the edge of my mattress nearest to them. We pull out our study materials in a sort of awkward silence. At first, it’s just like every other time we’ve gotten together to study.
Except this time, I’m hyperaware of the fact that Jordie is in my personal space and we just spent over an hour looking at sex toys together. They literally passed me the dick Jen sold to me after the party. Which, in a real sense, means they held my dick in their elegant fingers.
I keep glancing over at them, trying not to stare, but wanting to drink in the sight of them right there. Their blouse seems to have more loose buttons down the front compared to earlier. A silky pink bra peeks tantalizingly over the lapels every time they move too much. It doesn’t help that we’re practicing French and they keep giving me flirty eye contact. Jordie keeps touching their face and neck. They fidget with their freshly touched up dyed hair as they try to recall their vocab words.
They gnaw on their lip as they flip through their flashcards and I can’t stop thinking about how easy it is to get lost in their soulful gaze.
“Oh. So, wait a second. If I say ‘je suis un avocate’… veux-tu me manger?” They startle a laugh out of me.
“Either way, it’s un avocat, no hard ‘a’ at the end,” I correct them. Their words make my cheeks burn because the phrase ‘eat me’ brings me right back to just how much I want to put my mouth on them. And wondering if maybe that wouldn’t be unwelcome.
Jordie’s eyes are smoldering as they lock onto mine and their tongue darts out to moisten their lips. And ok, yes, I desperately want to taste them.
I’m not sure what about the corny joke pickup line gives me the nudge to make a move. One minute we’re laughing together about their dorky French mis pun ounciations, and the next I realize that I’m sitting too close. Our knees touch, their breath smells minty sweet from the candies they crunched all the way back here. I lean forward, closing the distance until the soft brush of their lips meeting mine brings reality crashing around me and I freeze.
Jordie deepens the kiss, sighing against my lips, opening to grant my tongue access. I tangle my fingers in the soft curls I’ve been dying to touch. Our kiss turns into soft moans and gentle nips.
Jordie might need to work on their French, but their French kissing is spot on. I don’t want this moment to ever end. The way they respond to me is intoxicating. I can’t help tugging a little harder on their curls when they moan into my mouth.
“Yeah, pull it harder,” Jordie pants, then their tongue is in my mouth and their hands are on my face, holding me close. “How do I say it in French?”
“Tire-moi les cheveux,” I say, tugging again to pull their lips back onto mine.
Jordie moans and scrabbles into my lap. They melt into me, kissing me desperate and needy, their hard bulge presses against my lower belly. I could kiss them like this forever. My world is reduced to their lips and tongue and teeth. Their hands cradle my face, their nose angled perfectly next to mine, their hair so soft under my fingers. Jordie fills my senses.
Fuck, I’m so turned on right now that it’s unbelievable. They pull back, lips glistening and so fucking delicious I want to lick back into their mouth to taste them again. Their eyes sparkle and their mouth curves into the shape of my name and it’s… there’s nothing like it. I’m soaring on the euphoria of being kissed by someone who sees all of me and likes me. It’s beyond intoxicating.
“Ray?”
“Huh?” I’m grinning so big my cheeks ache with it.
“You good?” They ask me, a concerned little furrow in their brow that I want to kiss away.
“So good.” I can’t stop grinning, and Jordie smiles back at me.
Then the smile dims into a slight frown and they wriggle on my lap, sending tingles to my core. “So. Um. Should we talk about this?”
“What’s there to talk about?” I ask. Wary apprehension overtakes my joy, dampening the giddy buzz of having just kissed the person I’ve been crushing on for months.
“This?” Jordie gestures between our chests. “Us.”
“I, uh, sorry for kissing you without asking?” I try, hunching my shoulders and hoping I didn’t terribly misread this entire situation.
Jordie snorts. “I think we were both pretty clearly into it. I mean, is that all you want?”
“No. I don’t usually go around kissing people I’m not dating.”
“So, do you want to date me?”
“Is that an option?” I ask. I sort of figured it was, from the way they kissed me back, like they were as needy and starving for it as me. It’s hard to think with them in my lap and my lips still tingling from their kisses.
Jordie blows out a breath, easing out of my lap to sit beside me on the narrow dorm mattress. They run a hand through their messy curls, clearly having a hard time opening up to me. “I can’t be your experiment, Ray.”
“Um, why would you think that’s what this is to me?” I ask. I get why that would be a problem, just not where they got the idea that it’s something I would do.
“Because all of this is new to you and you haven’t told your family about yourself and I would never pressure you to come out before you’re ready, but…“
I press a finger to their lips to cut them off, chuckling a little over how worked up they are. “My family knows I’m bi. I never made that any sort of secret. My youngest brother gives me shit about picking a side whenever I bring someone home because he’s a jerk like that, but it’s mostly joking.”
“Oh. But I thought…“
“They just don’t know that I’m not a girl. I’m still not sure how to tell them that, but if you’d be cool with them knowing we’re together, I have zero problem telling them I’m dating you. Or that you’re genderqueer. I honestly don’t think they’re transphobic.” And considering how well they’ve accepted my middle brother Darren’s new partner, Ed, being non-binary, I know it for a fact now. I just don’t know for sure that their acceptance of trans people extends to embracing me when I tell them who I am.
“So why haven’t you told them about yourself?” Jordie asks, and there’s no judgment in their tone, just genuine curiosity.
I shrug and can’t meet their gaze. “I grew up as the only girl born on my dad’s side of the family in two generations. It was a whole thing. And now that my brothers and cousins are having kids, I’m still the only ‘girl’ so… it just comes with a lot of expectations, you know?”
“I suppose that makes sense? But you still deserve to be happy and to have your family love you for who you are. Instead of living up to some weird notion of like, breaking the family curse.”
I chortle. “Cursebreaker, that’s clearly my dragon name.”
“Maybe add it to your drag name too?” Jordie teases.
“So, is me not telling them I’m trans a deal-breaker?” I ask, nerves clawing at my belly.
“No. Not at all. It might make me sad to have to pretend around them, or misgender and deadname you, assuming meeting the parents comes up before you’re ready for them to know. But I can handle that to keep you safe. And my family will love you.”
“Yeah? You’re not just saying that?”
“No. They’ll like you, if only because being with you makes me happy. I’ve had so much fun hanging out and studying with you and normally that is so not my thing. Seriously, my mom will be thrilled that I finally met one of those mythical ‘good influences’ she’s always on about. Jacob and the gang are always convincing me to skive off from class to hang out with them. They’re all about making the most of our university experience, but it’s been cool to have you challenging me to do my best academically.”
“Yeah? So, you like that I’m a giant nerd?” I tease, leaning back and twisting to face them better.
“Love it.” Jordie agrees. They scoot to angle themself more fully toward me.
“So, we’re dating?” I ask, nerves prickling along my skin at just how badly I want them to say yes. I smooth my hands over my lap, missing their warm weight on top of me.
“Mhm, we are.” Jordie captures my hand and squeezes. “For starters, I’m taking you to Frisky’s for dancing and drinks and then to Randy’s for dessert after we get through midterms.”
“Yeah? You’re my date? Joyfriend? What term do you like?”
“Date, partner, or joyfriend all work. And that makes you my boyfriend, right?” Jordie cocks their head, giving me the chance to correct them.
That pause to confirm makes my chest swell with a sense of being truly seen. Jordie has a knack for giving me the room to be a guy and a boyfriend, but also holding space for the parts of me that aren’t defined by my gender. That in-between liminal space inside me I haven’t had a chance to fully explore while struggling with a dysphoria that I’ve had to keep bottled up for so long. I nod. Boyfriend isn’t entirely right, but it’s not wrong either. And I want to hear Jordie call me theirs.
“Alright then, boyfriend.”
Wow, the rush of heat that word from them sparks inside me, electric with possibility. For the first time, I’m someone’s boyfriend. It’s incredible to be seen and accepted for the real me. There’s still a niggling bit of doubt, not that I’m not a boy and a boyfriend, just that maybe it isn’t as simple as that for me? A something I still can’t put into words. Jordie’s bold embrace of themself gives me hope I can explore myself too, but for now boyfriend feels right. Euphoric even, a bubbly joy in my heart. It’s just that partner also feels right. “Partner works too.”
“Perfect. We’re official.” Jordie grins at me.
“Yeah, we are.” I grin so big it makes my cheeks ache.
Boyfriend or partner, both terms suit what I want to be to Jordie, and with them. They give me the support I need to explore what that means. Later, because just then Jordie leans in and kisses my neck and I forget all about talking in favor of making out with my new joyfriend.