25 Sam
After Saleuk left my room, I was dumbstruck and confused. If I didn’t know better, he’d just told me he loved me. Or maybe he didn’t… Maybe I was just being hopeful because he never said the word. When he left, I felt lost and just started pacing my room until the young woman brought me food. I scarfed it all down but barely tasted it. Then I curled up in my bed and I let sleep claim me, guided into a deep slumber by utter exhaustion.
Over the next two weeks, I barely ever saw Saleuk save for the couple of times he visited me. We were still intimate, but conversation was sparse and he’d only spent the night once. The only other times I saw him were when I was roaming with my young escort from place to place. We’d pass each other, hug, and sometimes kiss except that people outside didn’t really care for public displays of affection. I deduced it was because I was human more than anything. People looked at us weirdly. Some even looked at us like I was a slut stealing their husband. Not that I wasn’t used to that. This time, I was able to at least put myself in their shoes a little bit. It was a little daunting to think that our relationship would be looked down on if we ever decided to make it official.
With so few opportunities to see Saleuk, I was a mess. I wondered what preparations he was talking about. What discussions he was having and if they involved me. I wanted to know, but he dodged my questions every time. It was angering. I was over it and so damn eager to know the situation with my uterus so I could finalize my feelings on some things.
I wasn’t keen on going back to the medical facility to have more tests done, but it was part of the procedure. If I was pregnant, everyone was convinced that human medical technology wouldn’t be able to support the process, which was the scary part and the reason I wasn’t immediately sent back to the Nexus. Saleuk had explained a little more of it to me, but most of it I already knew since my best friend was bonded to a valerian and they had the same reservations when it came to offspring.
But oddly, I wasn’t afraid to know either way. I wondered if that was a problem on my part because I should have been afraid. A pregnancy could kill me…
To my delight, Saleuk accompanied me to my final medical exam. He was quiet, but I could tell it was just nerves. I sat in a private room with him standing next to me. I hadn’t stopped wondering about children since I started imagining a life with him. I’d considered the pros and cons and my list always tipped slightly the same way. I would rather risk having a valerian child than go back to Earth to what was now seeming like a very empty existence again. Glancing at Saleuk standing up against the wall, I considered telling him my exact thoughts but decided it was best to know the results of my tests first.
I could tell he was on edge.
“You know,” I said, snapping him out of his thoughts. “If, by some tiny chance, I am pregnant, it would be half human. Maybe the dangers of—”
“It’s still dangerous, Sam,” he said gently.
“I know. I’m just trying to lighten the mood.”
Before I could try any harder, the doctor walked in. She was a lovely woman with a pale, silver-blue hue to her complexion. She came to me first and I stood, smoothing the front of my dress.
“You are not pregnant,” she said outright.
I sighed with relief and glanced at Saleuk, whose shoulders had lost some of their tension at the news. He walked toward me, pulling me in to kiss me on the forehead.
“I’ll tell Kaisiri so she can inform the Nexus about your condition.”
I nodded and watched him step out of the room to make his calls. The doctor started to leave as well when I caught her arm.
“Sorry,” I said. “Could I speak with you?”
“Of course.”
“I was wondering, do you even know the chances of a human woman getting pregnant by a valerian?”
Her tender features hardened a bit. “The odds are a bit slim, but definitely not impossible. Our DNA shares so many similarities that a hybrid would be as easy as crossbreeding species of kulei.” She paused a moment before saying, “Dogs. I supposed dogs would be easier for you to understand.”
“That easy, huh?”
“But the risks are—”
“I know about the risks. Everyone keeps telling me the risks. I know about the term length. I know about the nurturing colonies.”
I lowered my eyes, imagining what it would be like to give birth and watch strangers care for my child. My parents almost did it before my brother and I were forced into foster care. It seemed easy for so many people on Earth.
But I wasn’t those people. I touched my stomach, silently feeling the pain of giving a child away and I didn’t like it.
“Was there anything else?” the doctor asked. “Do you think you and Saleuk will be continuing your time together in a manner that might risk getting pregnant?”
Yes.
“I was just curious,” I smiled.
The doctor nodded and then turned to leave, leaving me in the room alone for a few seconds before Saleuk re-entered and motioned for me to go with him.
“Come,” he said.
I reached out and took his hand, accompanying him out of the medical building and onto a metal walkway that wound all through a common area with shops and eating stalls. The food on Sylos smelled amazing. Since my nose was stuffed up almost the entire time during my last visit, I felt like I was experiencing things for the first time. Over the past two weeks that we were there, I’d been getting to know my way around and after the initial shock of the very slight changes in gravity everywhere we went, my acclimation was making things much easier. I’d started sneezing only a couple days after arriving and worried I would be a sick, feverish mess again only to find out that I had actually built up a tolerance to the devil flower.
Which was just another sign that things were falling into place. There were signs everywhere and the superstitious side of my brain wanted to heed them.
“Hungry?” Saleuk asked.
I barely heard him. I was still thinking about children and though he’d all but decided to drop the idea, likely for my safety, I knew it was in the back of his mind, too. Since that initial night of wild lovemaking, we started creating intimate moments that didn’t involve the parts of sex that could make a baby. It was fun and interesting, but I didn’t want that to last forever. I missed the rest of it. I missed not being scared of the outcome. But valerians didn’t really have a reason to use birth control of any kind since they were trying desperately to build up their population, so condoms were out of the question and unless I wanted to go back to the Nexus and get myself on some kind of birth control, I was still fertile as ever.
“Sam,” Saleuk said.
“Hmm?”
“Hungry?”
I cocked my head, still barely understanding. “Um, maybe.”
He tugged my hand, stopping me off to the side of a main walkway. “What’s on your mind?”
“Nothing. I’m just thinking.”
“Which means something is on your mind.”
“Ok, yes. I was thinking about what happens now that we know I’m not pregnant. What does that mean? That I go back to Earth? Again?”
His expression hardened. As soon as he dropped his eyes, I knew that was what he was expecting and it tore my heart to ribbons.
“Really? Y—you think that’s the next step?”
“Logically, because of—”
“Logically? You think anything is logical about us?”
Suddenly perturbed at his notions, I dropped his hand and headed back up the path leading to one of the many transport pods, which were essentially just the fancy elevators.
“Sam.”
I ignored him and kept walking, hiking up my long dress so I could take bigger strides.
I had just spent the last two weeks contemplating pregnancy with Saleuk and he’d whittled our relationship down to something “logical.” I wasn’t sure why it made me so angry, but it did. Perhaps because I was willing to make sacrifices and take risks and he wasn’t. Even after all that he said about choosing me, he dared to suggest I return to Earth.
Saleuk followed me all the way to the elevators where I stood against the opposite side, leaning on the metal railing and avoiding eye contact. I could see him trying to figure out what was wrong, but I wanted it to be obvious. Going back to the Nexus or to Earth was the last thing I wanted.
When the elevator opened, I marched out and headed down the long overpass to the corridor where my room was.
“Sam,” he said again.
I slapped my hand against the door panel and stepped inside, planning to close it behind me, but Saleuk was so damn fast. He forced his way in and locked the door behind him as if he’d been waiting until we were out of the public eye to react.
“Talk to me,” he demanded.
“You really think I should go back to the Nexus? To Earth?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t not say it.”
“Tell me why you’re angry. You’re not pregnant. That’s a good thing. Now we can plan ahead.”
“It sounds like you already did. Logically, going back is the next step.”
“Logically, we shouldn’t even have surged!”
“But we did!”
I felt hot tears stinging my eyes and turned away, combing my fingers back through my hair as I paced.
“Sam, please talk to me,” he said, lowering his voice.
My tears were insistent. I desperately tried to hide them by facing away, but I knew the next words out of my mouth would betray my secret. So I stayed silent. I hardly knew why I was so upset in the first place. I was making up scenarios and making up things I thought Saleuk was thinking and I was furious over it. Heartbroken.
Stopping at the table, I braced my hands on the edge and shook my head.
“Sorry,” I said. “I’ve just been confused the past couple of weeks.”
“About what? Tell me.”
I turned around, forcing myself to put it all out in the open, and faced Saleuk, teary eyes and all.
“I’m going to confess something to you and I need you to just understand,” I said softly. “There is a part of me that wanted to be pregnant.”
“Sam, if—"
“I don’t care. Because if I was pregnant, then that would have meant I was staying. If I was pregnant, it would be half-human, which means it might not develop as quickly as we think. And worst comes to worse, they extract it and finish the term in a lab if it’s too physically draining for me. You said that yourself. So if you mention risks again, I’ll punch you, because there are always ways around them.”
“But we know nothing about the process. After the Thinning, we barely know the process for our own people’s pregnancies anymore. It’s all numbers and studies and statistics.”
“And on Earth, kids are just a burden. An accident. A quick way to get fined.” I straightened off the table and took a deep breath. “You and I aren’t part of the pattern. We’re not part of the statistics. We’re something new. Whatever we do is what they’ll study years from now when more humans meet more valerians. And…” My voice cracked and finally, a tear fell down my cheek. “I don’t want to go back. I’d rather go back to that damn moon and live with you in a cave.”
“And you thought pregnancy was the best way to keep you here?”
“Wasn’t it?”
Saleuk scrubbed his hands over his face and laughed, but there was no humor behind it.
“Sam, tell me you want to stay and I will do everything in my power to make that happen. I have done everything in my power to make that happen. So just say the word because you already know I chose you. I chose you, Sam.”
The words he said two weeks ago rang in my head and made my heart flutter.
“I hate not being with you,” I confessed. “And I’ve been thinking for two damn weeks that I might actually want children with you. With you, Saleuk.”
He stilled, his expression going blank like I’d just spoken gibberish to him. Another tear slid down my other cheek and I slapped it away, pulling back my shoulders.
“We’ve been figuring each other out since the beginning. We’ve been avoiding our feelings and blaming everything on a surge. On physical urges, but that’s not all it is. I understand that if we stayed together, everything would change. But our best friends did it. Why not us?”
Still, he was silent and I hated that silence, so I just kept going.
“If the thought of leaving you digs a great big empty hole in my chest, then logically, I should stay. For my health. I’d deal with space sickness, flying on ships, and acclimating to whatever planet we end up on because it’s better than not being with you. So, what would be the most logical next step for you now that you know that?”
He regarded me like he didn’t believe I existed, his lips slightly parted. I wasn’t sure if he’d even blinked since I started talking. It was making me beyond nervous. If he decided it was too dangerous for me to stay and he sent me back to the Nexus, something in me said he would only be doing it out of affection, but it would break me. I knew it would. It would break me because, for the first time ever, I was pretty certain I was in love.
The admission, though silent, made me blink with surprise. I kept staring at him, suddenly unable to breathe.
“Sam,” Saleuk whispered, taking my hand in his and lifting it to his chest where his dual heartbeats played like a gentle song against my palm. “If there was nothing stopping you from doing exactly what you wanted right now, what would you do?”
“Is there something stopping me?”
“No. Nothing. But you still have to answer me because there are things I want to tell you—things I want to say—but I can’t.”
“If I could do anything, I’d stay with you forever. And…” I swallowed and took a slow breath. “I’d have your babies.”
His chest expanded with breath, his eyes flicking back and forth between mine like I’d just struck him over the head.
“Would you truly do that? Would you leave your home behind? Earth, I mean. Your people? Your life? Just like that?”
“What life?” I scoffed. “What people?”
“You’d make a life with me? I’m a pilot, you know. I’d either be gone a lot or you would be with me like Innifer is with Vahko. It would be different.”
“If you can handle me complaining for a while.”
“And your reservations because of the freighter incident?”
I drew my head back at the mention of it, realizing it hadn’t even crossed my mind in days. Perhaps what was going on with Saleuk and me was a great enough distraction.
Or perhaps Saleuk was the shield I needed to face those things.
It was easier not to dream of those horrors when I was dreaming of him instead.
“I think… I think I wouldn’t care about any of those things if I was with you.”
His eyes twinkled again like my words had touched some deep, hidden part of his conscience.
“You would truly conquer all of that for me?”
“Yes.”
He leaned toward me, smiling as he pressed his lips to mine in a slow and sensual kiss. I raised myself on my toes to better reach him, my breasts flattening against his chest.
“Sjek, al’fira. I need to be inside you again. You’re ruining me.”
“Please. I’m burning up. I need you.
He backed me up until my backside hit the edge of the oval table, Saleuk regarded me with feral need, breathing with the same passion as I was.
“How fertile are you now?” I asked, clearing my throat.
“Fertile enough that you should know you want this.”
“I don’t want to try, Saleuk. I just want to be with you. If something happens, it happens.”
He bent forward, kissing the side of my neck. “Tell me your mine. That you’re with me.”
“I’m with you. And I’ve had two weeks to think about everything, so don’t ask me if I’m sure again.”
“Turn around,” he whispered gruffly.
“But I like looking at you.”
The corner of his mouth rose up and he bobbed his brows once before looking up over my head. Slowly, he began to rotate me around until my back was to his chest.
“You can look at me all you want,” he said.
My head turned to see what was in front of me and noticed the reflective wall. When it wasn’t activated, it was nothing more than a giant mirror. Our image was reflected back at us in perfect detail under the low, cool light. I was so damn small standing in front of him, but seeing how clean and refreshed I was in that flattering dress instilled a level of confidence I didn’t have before. I cocked my head at myself and panned upward to look at Saleuk behind me. His frame was slender yet muscular. His big hands on my shoulders gently skimmed down my arms and as they neared my hips, his smirk turned devilish. His colors shifted from a light lavender to something warmer.
Jesus, he was handsome.
He brought his mouth to my ear and slid one hand gently up the middle of my back until it was between my shoulders.
“Bend over,” he whispered, the heat of his breath sending erotic chills straight through me.
His hand pressed on my back and instantly, I folded forward until my palms were on the table. Looking at myself doubled over like that, my ass against Saleuk’s groin, made my heart do somersaults. I swallowed hard and watched him lick his lips like he was hungry for me and God that was the best feeling.
“Keep watching, al’fira,” he said as he parted the front of his jacket and slid it off of him.
His hard chest and muscular abdomen glistened under the light and brought out every contour of his hard stomach and broad shoulders. His fingers crawled over the fabric of my skirts, pulling them up until they were bunched against my back. His fingers explored me first before he stooped to press his lips to my spine. I sighed loudly at that and hung my head, melting under his touches. He kept kissing his way down my back, taking in deep breaths of my scent while both of his hands traveled up to cup my breasts.
I could have enjoyed his mouth on me all day, but before I sunk too far into his calm teasing, his teeth nipped at my hip, waking me from my trance. He was crouched down behind me, kissing my thighs. The cool breeze touched my naked sex and I shuddered.
“Saleuk,” I muttered.
He licked a trail up the back of my thigh, his fingers playing between my lower lips. I was slick with need and moaned against his caress, rocking against him.
“Keep watching,” he rasped, rising onto his feet again above me.
I opened my eyes to see him towering over my body, his wicked eyes on me in our reflection. With anticipation, I watched his hand slide down around my stomach and disappear between my legs. I parted my feet, welcoming his touch, and gasped when his fingers found my clit.
“So wet for me,” he said.
I nodded and pushed myself back against him, elated to feel his hard bulge prodding my behind when I did.
Saleuk played with me, torturing me with slow circles. With his other hand, he started to maneuver his pants down off his hips. I could see them slide away and watched with excitement as his hard cock sprung free, tipped in dark purple that faded down the shaft. Nipples hard, I rocked against his hand, needing more. With a cocky grin, Saleuk dipped his hand further against my folds and then brought it to his cock, stroking it down the thick shaft a couple of times. I licked my lips, watching him rub it along my lower back just to drive me crazy.
“You want to watch me fill you?” he said.
“Yes,” I answered, breathless.
“Then keep your eyes on me, Sam. I want to see your pretty face when you come all over me.”
He took his eyes off of me only for a second as he positioned his cock against my entrance. I held my breath when his gaze met mine again, unable to blink or speak. Moving his hands to my hips, he started to drive forward, stretching me. I was so wet for him, there was hardly any resistance, but God, the feeling of fullness was like nothing I’d ever felt. And that position made everything feel new. Different.
So damn good.
I shook against him, my breath leaving me in a slow moan. And seeing the look on Saleuk’s face as I took him was priceless. His brows furrowed a bit and his lips parted with silent pleasure until my ass met his hips. Both of us let out a rough breath of relief, our bodies relaxing for a moment to savor the feeling of being locked together.
“Sjek, you're still so tight,” he said, bending forward and bracing a hand on the table beside mine. His lips met my shoulder as his other hand coiled around to grasp my chin. “So tight and so perfect.”
He pulled out of me, nipping at my ear before forcing my eyes back toward our reflection.
“Look at yourself,” he whispered into my ear, pushing himself back in. I gasped at the suddenness of it. At the feeling of being empty and filled to my limits within one shocking second. “So beautiful, Sam.”
He thrust again and I moaned, wanting so badly to close my eyes and revel in the pleasure of it, but Saleuk made certain I didn’t miss a thing. He watched me just like I was watching him as he rocked his hips forward again and again.
“Oh… fuck,” I panted.
Saleuk chuckled against my neck. The handsome sound drove me crazy and I turned to him. Our mouths connected in a deep, passionate kiss, tongues fighting for dominance. And then he was back to kissing my shoulder. My neck. My back. I was losing myself to the image of us screwing like I lost myself in dreams. It didn’t seem real and yet it was the most real thing I’d ever felt. This man was appreciating me. Enjoying me. And it felt so damn wonderful to be enjoyed and appreciated and cared about. With every thrust of his cock inside me, I felt closer to him. More connected. I’d longed for him to fill me for weeks and finally, I was whole.
His hand collared my throat, asserting dominance but not squeezing and the sensation nearly finished me. I whimpered his name, fighting for breath as the pleasure built in the base of my stomach. Mouth agape, I panted, wanting to cry out my bliss. Saleuk’s thumb dipped between my teeth, pinning my tongue to the base of my mouth. Why that was so erotic was a mystery to me, but it sent flutters racing toward every nerve. I bit down lightly on him and he growled into my ear, slamming into me with more force.
“Look at us, al’fira,” he spoke, forcing my gaze toward the reflection again.
My face was a canvas of ecstasy. My hair swung and my breasts bounced with every thrust and my fingers gripped the slick metal surface of the table for dear life. Taking his hand from my neck, he lowered it down between my legs once more, wet with my saliva. His fingers found my bud and he began stroking in perfect circles. My legs shook and it took everything not to throw my head back and close my eyes just to let the tension devour me. But I didn’t. I did what he said and I watched as Saleuk pulled on my hips with one hand and stroked me with the other.
“Tell me you want to come,” he said.
“I want to come,” I rushed. “God, I want to come.”
He chuckled at my urgency and removed his fingers from my clit, leaving me drowning in anticipation as he pounded mercilessly into my tight channel.
“Beg.”
Beg? Who did he think he was to…
He buried himself deep and stopped, his fingers biting into my hips. Looking at his reflection, I could see a fierceness in his eyes like he was warning me. My clit fluttered and my knees trembled, barely able to hold me up.
Fuck.
“Please,” I begged. “Make me come, Saleuk. Please, don’t stop.”
His devilish grin slid across his lips and he pulled slowly out of me, his hand sliding toward my front again to stroke me. The moment I felt him, I moaned with relief. And then his thick shaft was filling me again and I was finished. I cried out his name as he began to thrust with renewed speed, forcing the orgasm out of me. My legs almost gave out beneath me and if he hadn’t been holding onto me, I’d have crumpled to the ground. Every ounce of built-up pleasure coursed through my veins until my fingers and toes were curling.
Mercilessly, Saleuk continued to slam into me all through my release until I felt his body seize. I looked up to watch his glistening muscles go taut just as he pulled himself abruptly from my heat. A strained groan rose up from his throat as his hot seed streamed against my back.
Extra precautions were good… even if I would have loved to feel him come inside me.
We were both panting and spent. I felt like goop, in awe that I hadn’t just fallen to the floor. Every breath shuddered as the final aftershocks of my release dissolved from my core. Cold wind kissed me where his cock no longer occupied and I shivered.
I wanted to collapse there like a pile of boneless limbs, but Saleuk’s arms were around me before I could surrender to that impulse. He turned me to face him, fisting my hair to pull my head back. He was panting just as hard as I was, but that didn’t stop him. His mouth crashed into mine in a slow but deep kiss that took the last of my breath away.
“Up,” he breathed.
I didn’t have a chance to know what that meant before he lifted me by my waist onto the edge of the table, throwing my skirts up and parting my knees.
“Sam.”
“Huh?” I said breathlessly between kisses. “I meet with the council in a couple of days. To discuss our situation.”
“Would they oppose it?”
“I don’t think so. But on the subject of my…” He paused.
“Your swimmers?” I said.
“Sure. On that subject, they’ll want to collect as soon as they can and as much as they can.”
“Saleuk, men used to do that on Earth. They’re called sperm donors. It’s not unusual and it’s anonymous, right?”
“Then you have no issue with it?”
“No.”
His shoulders sagged as if he truly thought I would be upset and I wound my arms around his head, bringing him into my chest. As I slid my fingers over the taut weaves of his braid, I felt a small bead tucked into the strands.
“What’s that?” I asked, prodding it with my fingers.
He raised his head, lifting his hand to reach back and touch the little round ornament like he’d forgotten it was there.
“It’s called a mourning bead.”
My heart sank at the thought of Saleuk losing someone. I imagined what he looked like when he was sad and it shattered me.
“Is it for your family?”
“My brother. He died piloting a ship right beside me before I was put into stasis. Before my parents and sister died, I barely ever saw them. I remember my childhood with them, but my brother and I grew up together in training.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be. It was a long time ago.”
“You’re still wearing his bead.”
“We always wear them. No matter how much time has passed.”
“I have never seen anyone else with them.”
“Not everyone wears them and if they do, they don’t always advertise it. It’s mostly something Talooth’thenial’tes do.”
The word was jumbled gibberish in my ears. “What?”
“My religion. We’re a small circle, but we believe when people die, they stay where they are most loved. They exist in memories and to never forget, we wear mourning beads.”
“That’s beautiful.”
“Do you have any beliefs of that nature? You say your god’s name often. Who’s name is ‘God,’ which I think is strange.”
“It’s just something people say,” I snorted. “But I don’t believe in God. If I did, I think I’d always be mad at him for the hand I was dealt. Then again, I brought a lot of it on myself. I truly believe we all reap what we sow. I don’t believe in fate or destiny. If I did, I wouldn’t have worked so hard these past couple of years. I just believe in me, I guess.”
Saleuk’s lips curved into a languid smile. “I admire that about you, al’fira.”
“What does that mean? You’ve been calling me that a lot. I like it better than geshi, but what does it mean?”
He stepped further between my legs, his hands sliding gingerly up the sides of my waist.
“It’s Takesh slang for someone that perseveres. It’s a term of endearment.”
The word warmed my chest and to know that Saleuk had been regarding me that way for some time was the greatest compliment I’d ever received. My lip quivered and I felt my eyes swelling with tears. It was embarrassing so I lowered my head to hide. He’d just told me I had perseverance and it made me weep. I was pathetic.
“Sam,” he said, hooking his finger under my chin to lift my head. When he saw my red, glistening eyes, he wiped my cheeks with his thumbs. “Why the tears?”
“Saleuk,” I whispered. “You’re scaring me, you know.”
“How?”
“Because you keep taking care of me. You keep me safe and you feel so perfect and I’ve never had anyone like you. I’ve never felt safe. Not like this.”
“Why should that scare you?”
“Because the best things are never real.”
“Oh, Sam. I’m very real.”
He moved away from me a step and slid out of his boots. Then he removed his pants, kicking them to the side until he was standing fully naked before me, tall, muscled, and utterly perfect. He had a couple of small scars, one of them being from the barbs that had lodged in his hip on Phesah, but otherwise, he was flawless. His skin was a beautiful shade of ice blue now with hints of lavender around his ridges and at the tips of his crown and… at the end of his cock, which was standing erect toward his navel again.
Realizing what he was doing, I jumped down from the table and slid the shoulders of my gown off. The dress wasn’t fitted to me and it slid easily down the length of my body to the floor in a puddle of silky fabric. Both naked with no barrier of clothing between us, I felt more connected to him than ever. I stepped forward, lifting my hand to touch the hard plain of his abdomen. I watched the subtle pulses of color flutter out from the tips of my fingers and felt him shudder under my caress. I would never tire of having that power over him.
Slowly, I looked up into his brilliantly colored eyes and felt as if I’d just been thrown into a dream. One I never wanted to wake from. That dream had Saleuk in it and… I loved him.