51. TESSA
TESSA
The terrace’s bubble lights caught the angles of his face, reminding me of high school, watching him laugh with my brother. Back when he was happier, before Sarah broke his soul.
“Tell me about another memory that changed you,” Blake said.
He already knew the biggest one: Eric Voss. But I was more than that attack, and it meant a lot that Blake wasn’t defining my entire existence by one traumatic evening.
I settled my head on his chest, clutching the cashmere blanket tighter. “There’s nothing I could say comparable to what you just told me.”
“Tessa, I just want to know you. All of you. Every human has moments where they learn something about themselves or the world.”
I studied the city lights flickering against the ebony sky.
“Okay. Well, I’ve always wanted to be an entrepreneur.
” I smiled, remembering childhood dreams. “I marveled at Oprah and other successful women. I wanted my own business. Nothing too big, just a staff of twenty, where I’d be the idea person while others handled the day-to-day. ”
“I remember the time you started that cake-baking business out of your mom’s kitchen.”
I laughed. “I learned to create realistic business plans after that. But it wasn’t about cakes.
It was about female entrepreneurship. Then when I was sixteen, I confided my dreams to Mom.
” I glanced at Blake. “She mentioned she once had business aspirations too, but after starting a family, it wasn’t feasible. ”
Those words became a little bomb on my self-confidence.
“Until then, it never occurred to me I’d have to choose between love and success. If Mom couldn’t do both, how could I? After, I felt I had something to prove, that you didn’t have to choose. But this nagging doubt kept whispering, Think about all the statistics that are against you .”
I sipped my wine, wondering if that was another reason I hadn’t dated for years. Not just the assault, but that earlier fear.
“I couldn’t imagine life without love, but I also couldn’t imagine giving up my dreams to get it.
After graduation, I worked a safe job to save seed money, then started my business.
” I took a shaky breath. “That’s when I met Eli.
The real test of whether I could have it all.
I struggled with both the relationship and the company.
Eli tried to be supportive, but I wasn’t giving him enough of my time, and my business wasn’t getting enough of my time and energy either.
When I broke things off with him, I just remember thinking, I guess it’s true; you can’t have it all . ”
“To go through that, on top of being sick without knowing why.” Blake shook his head. “You should be proud you kept fighting for your business and for answers to your health.”
Somehow, Blake understood me better than I understood myself.
“Do you still feel you have to choose between dreams or love?”
I considered this. “I’m scared,” I admitted. “Here I am, in my thirties, with a struggling business and …” My pulse pounded. “I’m terrified I’ll lose it. Or you. Or both.”
He picked up my hand, tracing long lines over my skin.
“You’re not going to lose me, Cupcake,” Blake assured me, his lips curving into that devastating smirk. “Unless it’s to murder. When your brother finds out about us, he’s going to kill me. Like, cement shoes, sleeping with the fishes, full mob hit.”
My heart swelled at what this meant. By bringing up Ryker and future complications, Blake was telling me this was more than physical. This was a relationship worth facing my brother’s wrath for.
“He won’t kill you,” I teased. “He’s a criminal defense attorney.”
“Exactly. So he’ll know how to hide the evidence. In case my emotional baggage wasn’t enough of a disincentive,” Blake explained, “Ryker spent a decade making it crystal clear that if I ever touched you, he’d remove parts of my anatomy I’m rather attached to.”
I laughed. “High school Ryker was trying to be badass with his backward baseball caps.”
“It wasn’t just high school. Three years ago, at that Fourth of July barbecue? When you wore that red bikini? He caught me looking and threatened to feed my eyeballs to the neighbor’s Chihuahua.”
My cheeks warmed at the memory, and how Blake couldn’t take his eyes off me. “He was drunk on Mom’s sangria.”
“The Christmas before that, completely sober, he reminded me he knows how to make bodies disappear. While decorating cookies. With tiny candy canes.” Blake shook his head. “When he finds out about us, it’ll make the Red Wedding look like a tea party.”
“Well then, we’d better think of a way to tell him. Sooner rather than later. Somewhere public. With witnesses and security cameras.”
Blake groaned. “You want to tell him soon? I was thinking more along the lines of waiting until we’re eighty. Or dead.”
“We need a plan,” I said, fighting a smile. “He’s called several times when I couldn’t pick up. When I call back, he might question why I suddenly sound so happy.”
“I have a plan. It’s called moving to Argentina. How do you feel about mastering Spanish?”
“Be serious.”
“I am, mi amor.” He pressed a kiss to my palm. “Though if we’re going to die, we might as well face it head-on. But if Ryker asks, you seduced me. With that lip-biting thing, I was helpless.”
“We’ll figure it out,” I promised, tracing his jaw. “Together.”
I’d enjoy this night a little longer, but my hormones were already revving up for round two. Turns out, when you’ve had fantasies about a guy for years, it takes a lot to satisfy those desires …