Chapter 30
Payton watched as uncertainty, despair, remorse, and hope battled within Damon, and she wasn’t certain which would win out.
However, she did know it was a victory better achieved if won by his own volition.
It would do no one any good if she made the decision for him, if she dissuaded his misguided thinking, or attempted to soothe his conscience.
It would be easy to tell him how she felt, what she would do; though what if he came to resent his decision later?
His choice, and the risks involved had to be his own—and unwavering.
It couldn’t be decided during a moment of weakness or out of guilt or remorse for her present circumstances or his past hardships.
Payton wanted to believe she was worth more than her position as a governess—to both Damon and his children.
That their brief times of privacy had been more than a man still in mourning for the loss of his wife and only in need of an ear to listen and a woman to care for his offspring.
She needed to be sure that he saw her, not her value as his children’s caregiver, but noticed and valued her as a woman.
She couldn’t replace the wife he’d lost, nor the mother Joy and Abram barely remembered.
Payton hadn’t the first idea how to even begin to be either of those people.
“Do you feel you’ve failed?” she asked. “Your children are healthy, your servants and their families respect you, and your home is one to be admired. Perhaps it is not everyone else you fear disappointing but yourself.”
She knew this because it was the same for her.
The future she’d planned would arrive or fade away but would not have any effect on her family.
Marce would be content to have her close for all her years though Payton knew she longed for a life of her own.
It was Payton’s personal success she feared failing at.
Disappointing herself, not others.
He remained silent, though she saw the battle growing once more within Damon. “You came and accepted, loved, and cherished my children in a way I’ve never allowed myself. You stepped into the role I was unprepared to fulfill.”
Was. Was unprepared to fulfill.
“What about now?” Her breathless whisper filled the space between them.
“They may very well reject me,” he confessed. “But I can no longer allow my fear to stop me from trying.”
“They would never turn away from you, Damon.” She slipped from the lounge to kneel before him, her cream gown of satin and lace crushed and wrinkling under her knees. “Just as I, despite my anger over your high-handed manner, could never reject you.”
Taking hold of his hands—strong, capable hands—Payton raised them to her cheeks, their warmth infusing her with a sense of urgency. She needed him to understand how much he meant to his children, her, and his entire household.
“Favorably, you have the benefit of time.” His thumb caressed the skin of her face. “The children are young, and I suspect they would forgive you anything. They have only you, no one else.”
“That is not true,” he sighed. “They have you.”
It was Payton who broke their eye contact. “Yes, but I am no longer their governess.”
“What you’ve done tonight shows you care,” he replied. “In my need to be distracted, I was oblivious to their longings, their hurt. But they went to you, and you came even after everything that had happened between us. You saw them home, safely.”
“I did as any person would.”
“No, you did what someone who loves them would do,” he countered.
“I do love them.” At some point, they’d both reverted to whispering as she leaned closer, her hands settling on his knees while he continued to trail his fingers along her flaming skin from her cheek, to her jaw, to her neck.
She trembled under his touch, longed for him to never withdraw his hand.
In this moment, she would gladly remain forevermore. “…and you.”
The declaration slipped from her lips unbidden.
As the words hung between them, the seconds of silence stretched between them as everything around them faded. Payton could not think of the crowded ballroom down the hall, or her brother waiting in the foyer, or what ploy Catherton would employ next to seek his revenge.
It was only her and Damon. There was much she’d gambled on in her life, but never again would she wager so carelessly with her baron.
She loved him. Despite everything, she was in love with Damon.
Could he love her in return?
Something broke within her, freeing her from everything that held back her words—her emotions. It wouldn’t stop her if he didn’t love her in return, as long as he knew that she loved him.
She’d spent her entire life believing that one was only free and unburdened if they remained in control and were beholden to no one. It was how her mother had lived. No one could hurt her because she was in control of every aspect of her life—her children, her home, and her business.
Her mother had been wrong.
Everything Payton had believed was wrong.
She’d never feared risking herself financially, but now she had to risk the independence she’d fought so hard for by offering her heart to someone who might not think her love worthy enough to let go of his past and embrace a future together.
Yes, she was in love with Damon.
No amount of distance or time would ever change that.
Now that she’d laid all her cards on the table, no matter the consequences, she could move on with no regrets or thoughts of what might have been.
His hand slipped away from her cheek, grazing her collarbone before grasping her gloved fingers. At the same time, his stare fell away from hers.
This was the risk of her admission. Payton was familiar with taking risks. She took them every time she entered a gaming hell or sat down at a card table. Sometimes, she won. Other times, she lost.
After so many years, she was uncertain if her wins outweighed her losses.
When his head fell forward, and his shoulders slumped, she feared she’d have yet another thing to add to her loss column.
“I love you, too, Payton.” His utterance weighed more than a thousand stones, and his head hung with more despair than she’d ever seen before. “I am not certain when it happened or how it all began, but I can no longer deny it. Not to myself or to you.”
When he looked up, the sadness and despair in his eyes were heartbreaking.
It should be a moment of great happiness—for them both. A time they would remember all their days to come; however, something held Damon back.
If she loved him and he loved her, she could not reconcile the wretchedness that settled over him. It was as if admitting his affection for her was not the difficult part of it all but only the beginning.
Payton was well aware of the outcome of her admission.
Seeing the dejected air about Damon had her wishing to take it all back.
“I’ve held onto the reasoning that love means eventual hurt, heartbreak, and loneliness.
I shuttered myself in my study for all these years in a failed attempt to stop myself from hurting and make certain my children never experience a loss like that of losing their mother again.
” The words tumbled from him, some rushed while others were pronounced with such slow deliberateness that Payton wondered if he were in control of himself at all or if some invisible force had taken over.
“All I did was keep the pain and loss fresh in their minds because they lost me a bit more and more each day. When you entered our home, you were not the only stranger. I knew you that first day as well as I knew my own children. Without you, I never would have learned of Joy’s love for horses or Abram’s love of books and history. ”
Payton suspected that wasn’t true; however, she remained silent, fearful that he’d stop talking, and their time together would come to an end without the answers she so urgently needed.
Her brother was waiting in the hall for her, and they would depart.
If she were taking advice from her sister, Sam would have advised Payton to stand up and leave. If Damon came after her, his feelings were genuine. But if he didn’t, then it would be necessary for her to move on without him or the children.
If she’d sought out Jude for her wisdom, she would have suggested nothing so dramatic.
She would tell Payton to remain all night, speaking with Damon, if that’s what it took.
Even if the conversation continued, talking in circles around what they both truly needed to discuss.
Running was not an option—was not as noble as facing her fears and conquering them.
Success or failure was not the important part.
What of Marce? Sometimes, Payton suspected she knew the least about her eldest sibling, despite their significant time spent together over the years.
Their mother had died so many years ago that Payton sometimes had a difficult time remembering Marce was her sister and not her mother.
Her eldest sibling would do something in the middle, Payton thought.
She would not run and expect a man to chase her.
Neither would she remain in a situation that was stagnant.
No, Marce Davenport would discuss the important matters at hand. She would face it head-on and allow everything to work out the way it was supposed to. She would do what was best for her future.
Winning, or losing for that matter, was irrelevant when Payton didn’t know the game or how to play, let alone the stakes.
“I’m ready to let it all go.” He exhaled, and Payton could almost trick herself into seeing it all go.
“What does that mean?” she dared ask.
Damon stood, holding out his hand for her to take. When she did, he helped her to her feet.
“It means, I am tired. Tired of merely existing, tired of hiding who I am and what I want to the point where I don’t recognize myself.
I am tired of distancing myself from my children, and, mostly, I’m tired of allowing life to pass me by.
Thinking I either don’t deserve anything better, or that I am somehow betraying Sarah by any small attempt at happiness. No matter my excuse, I’m done with it.”
“And what, exactly, do you want, Damon?” Her body tensed, anxious for his answer yet leery of it, as well.
His lips pressed into a firm line as if he were actually pondering the question for the first time.
“I want to explore the museum and parks of London with my children. I want to journey to Bath and perhaps Scotland. I want to frolic in the meadows surrounding Falconcrest. I want to fall asleep reading tales of adventure…on that very lounge.”
He paused, and Payton’s excitement dissipated to apprehension.
“Is that all?” She should be content, happy even to see how far he’d come since they met. He’d gone from a man who avoided his children at all costs to genuinely enjoying their company.
“It is not all I want,” he said, pulling her securely into his embrace and bringing his lips to hers. However, he didn’t kiss her. Instead, he halted, his mouth hovering close to hers. Their breaths mingled; his, rich and warm, fanned her cheek and neck. “I want you, by my side, through it all.”
Of everything Damon could have longed for and desired, Payton was fearful it wouldn’t include her. He’d opened himself more than she’d ever thought possible, and it was only fair that she do the same. “I want all those things, too.”
Payton had lived her life one card game at a time, and she’d been known to cheat at them because she did anything to make it to the next stepping stone, her next goal, her next stop to where she wanted to be.
Perhaps it was past time she stopped long enough to determine if she’d already found everything she’d spent her entire life searching for. While she’d been plotting and planning, she’d misguidedly neglected to see what was right in front of her.
Damon.
Life wasn’t about moving forward, forging ahead until you found the green meadow you sought. It was about finding the right person who stood by your side and letting the paradise you longed for grow around you.
She held Damon’s stare, and a thousand unspoken musings passed between them: apologies, regrets, promises, and…something she didn’t quite understand.
Before she could ask, his head dipped, and their lips pressed together.
Suddenly, it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered but the feel of Damon’s lips against hers, his hard body pressed to her soft curves, his scent of lavender and citrus mingling perfectly with her floral aroma. Neither attempted to overpower the other to take control.
They merely reveled in an unspoken harmony that had always been present.
His kiss was reserved just as he was, yet the distance between them disappeared.
His arms held her so tightly, Payton wondered if he thought she would vanish from his embrace.
Did he not realize that his solid hold on her was the foundation she’d lacked her entire life?
With him close, there was no room for her to flounder. There was no possibility of failing.
In his arms, she was no longer the wounded child seeking happiness on the horizon, only to gain that distant point and find herself unfulfilled yet again. No, there was nothing better awaiting her somewhere else, no matter how far she traveled or how many people she left behind.
In that moment, as their lips danced to an unsung melody, Payton realized she’d found everything she’d been searching for—and so much more.