Chapter 29
“A squirrel.That’s hardly enough to feed a kid, let alone two grown adults.” Shae stares at our meager catch for the day.
“We still have a rabbit and a bird in the freezer,” I remind her.
“Yeah, but if we keep eating our reserves, we’ll never save up enough for the trip out of here.”
The worry in her voice gets to me, especially after everything that was said last night. She finally trusted me with her fears. I was so incredibly relieved and also humbled at how self-centered I’ve been. I couldn’t understand why she’d be so resistant to being with me, but that was because I hadn’t taken an earnest look at the situation from her perspective. I’m embarrassed at how easily I overlooked the sacrifices she’d have to make.
And now, not only is she torn about her desire for me, but she’s worried about starvation and how we’re getting home on top of it. I hate that I’m making a difficult time even harder for her. That was never my intention. I just wanted her to give me a chance. To give us a chance.
The tap holding back my guilt gives a little more, allowing the acidic substance to fill me more quickly.
“Let’s take it one day at a time, okay?” I start back toward the cabin, mired in my dark thoughts.
Doubt is a mental tar pit that will suffocate you from the inside. I’ve always tried not to succumb to the sticky death sentence. Gather information. Make informed decisions. Accept your mistakes and move on. Doubt and regret serve no purpose. Yet I’m questioning my choices. If I wasn’t seeing the whole picture where Shae was concerned, what else might I be missing?
I can’t deny that if my priorities were what they should be, I wouldn’t even be here now. And if Shae has become my top priority, what does that mean for me? Can I be the boss of the Moretti family, knowing the organization will never come first?
“Did something upset you?” Shae asks when the cabin is within view.
“Just thinking about things back home.”
“Like what?”
“Like who’s been running things in my absence. And what trouble my brother and Sante have been getting into.” Technically, I was thinking about how little thought I’d put into the situation back home. Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.
“Who was most likely to step in?”
“My uncle Gino. He’s a good guy. Never wanted the role of boss, but he’s the most obvious person to step up without me there. I think a lot of people were expecting him to become boss when Dad died. He’s older with more experience.”
She listens, nodding silently.
“You know my other uncle was pissed when I became underboss. I can only imagine he’s not the only one. This would be a perfect opportunity to shake up leadership if someone wanted to do that.” I feel oddly removed from the situation when I explain it, as though I’m talking about a television program rather than my life.
“I haven’t seen you in a business setting, but from what I know now, I have no doubt about your leadership abilities. That sort of thing isn’t something you can fake. It’s innate, and you have it. Anyone with two brain cells will know that.”
“Oh yeah?” My eyes cut to hers. “What about me handling trivial matters and not taking to leadership?” I tease, reminding her of the slight she threw at me back when we first met.
Shae grins. “I only meant to rile you up. Everyone knows a good boss, whether running the Mafia or a Taco Bell, is willing to get in the trenches on occasion. To do what needs to be done and promote loyalty.”
Fuck, this woman is incredible.
I can’t imagine the idiots who came before me and didn’t lock her down instantly. Not that Shae could be claimed by any old schmo. The circumstances would have to be exceptional for her to justify upending her world for a relationship, which is why I can’t shake the feeling that we need to sort out how this works between us before we leave here. Find a way to be together that doesn’t entail her sacrificing who she is.
I want her, but not at that price.
Some things are too valuable to give up, no matter how painful it might be.