Chapter 42
He left,and I cried myself to sleep with his words wearing ruts in my mind as they circle round and round.
Sometimes things simply aren’t meant to be.
The following morning, I sit in bed with my knees pulled to my chest and think.
Sometimes things simply aren’t meant to be.
What does that even mean? Who decides what’s meant and not meant? The more I think about it, the more it sounds like a cop-out. Like something a person says when they’re tired of trying. I’ve never given credence to fate before, so why would I now?
I stare at myself in the mirror, my eyes locked on my necklace.
I met Devlin a month after I started hanging out with Mari. He and I were forces of nature that were cataclysmic when we collided. The magnetism was unreal, but our time together was short. He was in the States for less than a week before he had to return to Ireland. As much as I was drawn to him, I couldn’t fathom leaving my family and everything I knew to be with him in Dublin. He felt the same about staying in New York. We parted ways, but the pendant was a reminder of the time we shared. A reminder of what a true connection felt like.
I saw Mari the same day he gave me the necklace and knew in my gut that she and I would only ever be friends with benefits. I wasn’t stimulated by her the way Devlin captivated me. Having her around helped ease the disappointment of him leaving. I figured it wouldn’t hurt anything to keep seeing her, then time drew on without me putting any real thought into the situation.
I put Devlin on a pedestal and doubted I would ever meet another person like him. I made the unconscious decision not to even try. Why bother when people outside my line of work reject the lifestyle, and those in the business are either family, rival, or foe. It seemed easier to keep my expectations low.
While I haven’t met anyone like Devlin, what I did find was someone who made me realize how wrong I’ve been. What I felt for Devlin wasn’t as compelling as I thought. How could it be when I never truly considered finding a way to be with him?
Leaving my family wasn’t an option. But with Renzo … I can’t shake the feeling that he’s worth it. I don’t even know what it is except a risk of change—the leap of faith that I’ll find my footing again.
Am I willing to jump without any safety nets if it means being with him?
That is a choice. My choice.
It has nothing to do with what is meant to be.
If I don’t fix things with him, I can’t blame fate. A relationship with him, no matter the difficulties or rewards, would be a choice.
How many times am I willing to find someone incredible and allow challenges to become excuses?
Renzo is here in the city. I wouldn’t have to move away from my family to be with him. And after everything we went through together, Renzo and I are family, too. All I need to do is decide if I’m willing to forgive him. That is the only question that matters because the rest will work itself out if we”re committed. He’d said as much, but I couldn’t see it then. I’m not sure why except that I knew it would be hard, but these days without Renzo have been miserable.
So I’m back to making a choice. I have to pick my hard—find a way to be with Renzo or find a way to survive without him.
He was willing to put both our lives on hold to be with me. He risked everything. It could have gone horribly wrong, and I don’t like that he kept such a huge secret from me, but I can’t deny his commitment.
Love makes people do crazy things. Like forgive one another.
The leaden cloak I’ve worn around my shoulders for days drops to the floor. I feel like I could float right off my bed, and that tells me all I need to know. I’m working in the right direction, but I have to set things straight with my family before I say anything to Renzo and risk hurting him.
I give myself until the end of the month—two weeks—to make arrangements and ensure I have no doubts. I’ll see him at Oran’s wedding, so I have to have a solution worked out by then.
My big brother deserves his happily ever after more than anyone after learning his first wife betrayed our entire family. That was the reason Devlin had paid our family a visit. His family over in Dublin had learned we had an informant in the family. Someone who had worked with the Albanians and stolen a shipment of guns. Guns we’d acquired with help from Devlin’s family.
Oran was absolutely wrecked when he learned what his wife had done. I was so worried about him because he became so closed off and bitter. Then he met Lina, and his life completely turned around. He’s a great example of someone who made the choice to open their heart and make room for love. He could have told himself a relationship with Lina wasn’t meant to be. He would have been justified, considering the challenges they had to overcome. But he didn’t, and now they’re deliriously happy together.
If he can do it, so can I.
It’s been my motto my entire life, where my brother is concerned. Seems like an appropriate time to revive the sentiment.
The next day, I take the first step on my new path by calling Mari and telling her that I can’t see her anymore. She tries to reassure me that she won’t pressure me, but I’m quick to assure her that it’s over. I know I’ve done the right thing when I end the call and feel practically buoyant.
Next, I set up a meeting with Conner. We sit in his office at Bastion, and I tell him all about the situation with Renzo. As expected, he’s exceptionally understanding. His wife is Renzo’s Italian cousin, so I figured he’d be the least likely to be concerned about a relationship between me and Renzo. If anyone will balk, it’ll be Oran. He still might harbor trust issues where outsiders are concerned.
“I don’t have a problem with it, but others might.” Conner’s face is lined with concern. He’s worried I’m going to end up hurt.
“Oh, I know. I doubt the Italians will accept Renzo being with a woman who still works for another organization. If that’s the case, and I still want to be with Renzo, I’ll have to consider making a change.”
Air whooshes past Conner’s parted lips, his brows drawn tightly together. “You’re serious.”
“I am.” I offer a weak smile.
“I never thought I’d see the day you found someone who meant more to you than the business.”
I open my mouth to argue, but he cuts me off.
“That’s not a slight—you don’t need to get defensive. I feel the same about Noemi. I’m just sorry you’re actually having to make that choice. But if I were in your shoes, I’d do the same. Some things are too valuable to give up.”
“Thanks, Conner,” I force past the emotion swelling in my chest. “I thought you’d understand, and that’s why I came to you first.”
“Hey, if it means I don’t have to worry about you stealing my wife from me, I’m all for it.” His playful jab about my friendship with Noemi reminds me there’s something else I need to tell him.
“I’m glad you brought that up—”
“It was a joke, Shae.”
“No, I know. It reminded me to tell you that my apartment was broken into while I was gone.”
Conner’s spine goes ramrod straight. “What the fuck, Shae. Why didn’t you say something earlier?”
“I had a lot on my mind,” I shoot back at him.
“I’ll see if I can get security footage from the building cameras.”
My instinct is to tell him I can do it, but something holds me back. “Thanks, I’d appreciate that.”
Conner stares at me with a tinge of awe. “These past three weeks have changed you, haven’t they?” His question is sincere. Almost gentle.
“I think more than anything, Renzo has changed me,” I admit softly. “Hopefully for the better.”
He grins. “Surely, you couldn’t get any worse.”
And that’s why I love Conner. He speaks my language. When things get heavy, humor is always a good option.
“For you, I could try.” I shoot him a wide grin as I stand. He gets to his feet and pulls me into a big hug.
“Don’t do me any favors.” He pulls back and winks. “Now, go on. I have shit to do.”
“Need anything from me?”
“Not at the moment. Wait, I take that back. Go eat a burger. You’re too skinny.”
“Yes, sir.” I salute as I leave the office feeling more energized than I have in days.
As I near my home, I see Mari outside my building. She’s pacing. The likelihood of her being upset outside my place and it not having to do with me is unfathomably low. I have to wonder if she’s more upset about me ending things than she let on.
Memories of her flashes of jealousy pop into my head. She was incredibly emotional about my return, considering she’d thought for weeks that I was ghosting her. I knew she was more invested in the relationship than I was, but could it be worse than that? Could Mari have ransacked my apartment?
Maybe, if she thought I had abandoned her for someone else. She could have gone looking for proof of an affair. It seems a little absurd, but it makes sense. I don’t have any better explanation for the break-in, and her behavior now is definitely odd.
I consider walking over to confront her, but she takes off before I can get close enough. I’m not up for a chase. If she comes around, I’ll see what I can find out. Otherwise, I have bigger fish to fry than a dejected ex. And who knows, I could be completely off base, though I find that unlikely.