35. Penelope
Chapter 35
Penelope
I’m breathing hard in the aftermath, braced over the counter with Tristan’s body covering mine. He’s knotted inside me, his cock so deep in me that I can feel it with each inhale. We’re locked together, no space at all between our bodies, and it feels good.
“Are you all right?” he asks me, his voice rough around the edges.
I nod. “Yeah. Just… I don’t think my legs are going to hold me up for much longer.” It’s just the counter and his cock keeping me upright at this point, and I still feel wobbly.
He chuckles lowly and wraps an arm around my waist. He lifts me with ease, picking me up off my feet and moving us both so he can sit down in one of the chairs pushed back against the wall in the kitchen.
I end up in his lap, his cock still inside me, and the new angle makes me groan as my body clenches around him. I’m too tired to do more than wiggle a bit in his hold and then melt back against him, body worn out and put through the wringer.
Besides the sex there was the emotional release too, the weight of all the things that had been going unsaid between us finally lifted off my shoulders. I feel better for it, but still so tired.
Tristan is quiet, but his hands roam over my body possessively. He touches my chest, my hips, my stomach, trailing his fingers over my skin like he wants to leave his mark there, and it feels good. It feels like floating, but being tethered safely at the same time.
After a moment, Tristan reaches up and takes hold of my chin, turning my head to face him so he can kiss me. His lips are soft and not demanding, but he kisses with purpose. Like he’s trying to press feelings and emotions into my lips with his own. It’s not meant to go anywhere else, and it’s nice to kiss him just for the sake of it. Just because we both want to and are both reveling in the fact that it’s something we can do now.
Tristan not needing to hold himself back and me not needing to feel guilty or sad about wanting him. It’s like we’re making up for lost time, and we’re both determined to make it worthwhile.
Time passes leisurely, and when we pull back for air, I lean into him, letting my eyes slip closed.
He strokes my hair gently, fingers carding through it, and I sigh with contentment.
“I kind of can’t believe this is happening,” I murmur.
“No?”
“I mean, just like an hour ago I was pretty sure we were going to be doing our best not to see each other more than we had to. And now this.”
Tristan hums. “Things have changed.”
“I…” I bite my lip, not sure how to say what I want to say. “I guess I’m still a little confused. You said all that about how you want me and how you care about me, but… you were really good at acting like you didn’t want anything to do with me before. You kept your guard up and were so cold all the time, and I don’t get how you could do that if you really had feelings this whole time.”
He takes a deep breath and lets it out. For a moment, he’s quiet, but I can tell that he’s gathering his thoughts, rather than refusing to answer me like before.
“The Beta I cared for before—Mariana. Losing her changed a lot for me.”
“I remember,” I murmur. “You left your hometown and your family behind because it was so hard to be there.”
He nods. “Yes. I didn’t process my grief well. Or my guilt. Losing someone like that, especially someone I cared for so much, was traumatic. There’s no other word for it. One minute she was there with me, and the next… she was gone. I hadn’t let myself think of a life where she wasn’t there, so I wasn’t prepared for the pain of it. Or how empty everything felt. I told myself that there was no way I could ever feel anything like that again. I couldn’t survive it. And I thought closing myself off from people, shutting my heart away was the best way to protect myself.”
I can’t really blame him for that. I can’t imagine how much it must have hurt to lose Mariana, especially when he blamed himself for her death. It probably did feel easier to just shut himself off from feeling than to risk that kind of pain again.
“And then I came into your life?” I ask, needing to hear him talk about that.
He chuckles again, and I’m surprised at the sound while we’re talking about this heavy thing.
“And then you came into my life,” he agrees. “You were so different from what I was expecting, and it was so hard to stay away from you. I tried. I put up my walls and froze you out and tried not to think of you more than I had to. But it was impossible.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. There’s just something about you, angel. You drew me to you, and I had such a hard time looking away. I rearranged my schedule to be able to see you, and you not being in the office lately makes it so hard for me to focus. I fought against it as much as I could, especially after your heat, when I knew what it was like to hold you and be inside you.”
My cheeks flush with heat, even though he’s still inside me. I sigh, biting my lip. “I understand. I’ve been developing these… feelings for the three of you, and I know I shouldn’t be. This was supposed to be a business arrangement, not a real marriage, and I tried to ignore the way I felt for a while. But you three make it so hard. Dominic and Xavier opened up to me, but you… I tried to pretend I didn’t feel anything for you for the longest time. Because I knew it would only lead to heartbreak.” I close my eyes and dip my head. “How could I compete with a woman who died, after all?”
“No, Penelope,” Tristan says. “It’s not like that.”
During the course of the conversation, his knot has softened enough that he can slip out of me. There’s the usual messy rush, but neither of us pay attention to it. “Look at me,” Tristan commands softly, turning me in his lap so I’m facing him. I glance at his face, and I’m surprised by the emotion I see there.
He’s been so good at being impassive and cold that it’s going to take some getting used to, seeing real feelings on his face.
“You have consumed my thoughts since the day you came into my life,” he says. “Your scent, your presence, all of it. I will always care for Mariana, and part of me will always mourn her. But this is different.”
“It is?”
“Yes. I have never felt this way about anyone before.”
My heart lurches in my chest, and I feel warm all over to hear him say that. It’s not the sort of thing he would say lightly, and I can tell he means it.
“Oh,” I breathe, and I lean in to meet Tristan in the middle of a tender kiss.
He cradles my back with one hand and twists the other into my hair, holding on to me tightly while his lips press to mine insistently. I kiss him back, head spinning a little with everything that’s happened.
“I’m sorry,” Tristan murmurs against my lips. “I’m sorry I held all of that inside me for so long. I shouldn’t have resisted the way I feel. I should have been honest from the start.”
It’s such a complete one eighty from where we started, and the open honesty makes my stomach twist. I’m so happy to hear it, so thrilled to know that he cares about me and wants me and feels things for me that he’s never felt for anyone else. But there’s fear there as well. Because when it comes to being honest, Tristan isn’t the only one who has been holding things back.
I’ve also been keeping something from him and his pack, and it’s fairly huge. The longer this goes on, the harder it is to find the right time to talk about it, and now that we’ve gone this far, I’m terrified that I’ll lose them for good if they find out.