17. Dr. Lovejoy
dr. lovejoy
. . .
Cade
A couples retreat?
… A fucking couples retreat?
Harrison was a dead man walking.
Madison smiled expectantly at the rest of us, but no one said a word, and her shoulders eventually deflated. “… This isn’t a problem, is it?”
My fingers flexed, itching to strangle my brother.
“A problem? No, not at all!” Ellie recovered much quicker than the rest of us, and she slid her hand into mine, smiling brightly. “A couples retreat sounds like a blast. Cade and I love any opportunity to deepen our connection.”
My gaze dropped to our clasped hands, and I barely stopped myself from pulling away.
Madison’s wary gaze slid to me. “… You do?”
Instead of gracing that with a response, I focused on not grimacing.
“We’ll take any excuse to get closer,” Ellie added, beaming up at me. “Right, cuddle muffin?”
I jolted at the pet name—the same one I vaguely remembered her using when she climbed into my bed as a unicorn—and I stared for a beat before cocking an eyebrow. “Of course, Darling.”
This was the worst plan I’d ever come up with, and I was seriously considering bribing the helicopter pilot to get me the hell out of here.
Harrison’s jaw hung halfway to the floor. “Bro, did she just call you cuddle muffin?”
“Shut. Up,” I bit out, not needing his teasing on top of everything else. He was responsible for this shit show.
“No, no. This is a miracle. Your fiancée is officially my new favorite person.” He sidled up to Ellie’s other side and slung an arm over her shoulders. A terse meow sounded from her backpack. “Do you have a few hours free later to talk about Cade?”
“She doesn’t.” I easily shut down that potential nightmare while tugging Ellie away from Harrison. “Because, apparently, we’ll be busy with a couples retreat. Thanks for the heads-up on that, bro.”
He just shrugged. “I warned you this was for serious couples, but forgive me for being a little distracted after you dropped the fiancée bomb.”
I frowned, but Madison shushed us and pointed to the doors leading inside. “She’s here, she’s here! No more bickering.”
We all turned to the entrance, and I dropped Ellie’s hand while everyone was distracted by the new arrival.
An older woman with a floor-length flowy white hippie-type dress and curly greying hair glided toward us on bare feet.
She carried a giant brown tote with charms and feathers tied to the handles.
Her cat-eye glasses were as thick as the dozens of bracelets dangling from her wrists, and a horrible feeling filled my gut.
“Welcome, everyone!” She raised her arms in greeting, and the flowy fabric of her sleeves draped from her arms like a hippie witch casting a spell. “It’s an honor to be your guide on this wonderful journey of love and healing. I’m forever grateful for the invitation, Madison.”
The lady bowed toward all of us with her hands pressed together, and I pushed down the urge to ask my brother what the hell was going on.
“No, no. We’re just so grateful you agreed to be our retreat leader,” Madison assured her, stepping forward. “I know trips like this aren’t usually part of your services, so thank you for accommodating us, Dr. Lovejoy.”
I couldn’t stay silent any longer.
“Your legal name is Lovejoy?” I asked, face deadpan.
The lady’s smile only widened until we could see her glistening gums.
“Yes, my family name is Lovejoy. It appears I was destined to lead love retreats, doesn’t it?” She laughed warmly, which only further grated on my nerves. “But you can call me Bliss if it would make you more comfortable.”
It would not.
“Are you an actual doctor?” Fletcher asked, looking her over with a frown.
Her bracelets clanked together as she clasped her hands. “I’m not a doctor in the official sense, but the title provides a sense of security for my clients.”
My upper lip curled. “If you’re not licensed but calling yourself a doctor, that just makes you a fraud.”
Ellie lightly cleared her throat and leaned in to whisper. “Cade? Maybe let’s not jump straight to accusing the nice lady of fraud.”
Bliss’s smile remained serene. “Licenses are a man-made construct more focused on profits than healing. Helping isn’t limited to those who seek approval through educational goalposts that only exist to make the rich richer.
Some healers, like myself, are called upon by a greater power to lead couples on their journeys of love. ”
My jaw clenched. That was utter bullshit.
“Let it go, guys,” Piper said through a strained smile. “Dr. Lovejoy has millions of online followers.”
I shook my head. “So, she’s a fraud and a cult leader?”
“Cade,” Ellie murmured beside me.
“He’s not wrong,” Fletcher added, but Madison’s scoff made him snap his mouth shut.
“You both need to drop it,” my sister-in-law warned. “Dr. Lovejoy does a lot of good as an influencer. She’s a wellness expert and love coach, and we’re incredibly lucky she was available to lead our retreat.”
Fletcher snorted a laugh, while Vlad focused on his drink and avoided looking at any of us.
Harrison tugged on his shirt collar. “Why don’t we all just give this a shot? Come on, I promise it’ll still be fun. I’ve never hosted a lame party in my life.”
“Wonderful point, Harrison,” the fraud said, holding up a boney finger. “But I must mention, this won’t so much be a party as it’ll be a joint adventure that’ll dive deep into your bonds of companionship.”
I ground my teeth to stop from speaking.
“Now, I won’t take up much of your time this afternoon, since it’s only day one,” she continued.
“Nights in general will be time for you to connect with your partner, and dinner will be delivered to your private balconies. We’ll meet up every morning for breakfast as a group to greet the day, then embrace our new itinerary for each day.
I have a few surprises up my sleeve, but all good ones. I promise. How does that sound?”
If I clenched my jaw any harder, it’d snap.
No one objected. Madison and Piper were all smiles, while Ellie shifted next to me.
“Lovely.” The fake doctor beamed and swept her arm toward the middle of the deck. “Now, if everyone could please take a seat next to your partner around this beautiful big table, we’ll get started.”
Fletcher was the only other one who still looked skeptical, so I walked next to Vlad to check with him. “You’re going along with this?”
He grunted and nodded at Piper—who had already traded in her book for a notebook and was writing down everything the crazy kook said.
“I don’t have a choice,” Vlad muttered. “She eats this stuff up, just like her sister.”
Great.
I grabbed the seat next to my brother—easier access to strangle him if this nonsense kept up—while Ellie set down her backpack and perched on my other side.
“To begin, this is a work-free retreat.” Bliss stood at the head of the table and produced a smaller black bag from her tote. “Which means no distractions. Place all your mobiles and work devices in this bag, please.”
This was getting better and better.
“Absolutely not,” I said. “We’re not schoolchildren.”
Harrison pulled out his phone and dropped it in as she circled the table. “Come on, Cade. You wanted to come on the trip, so you gotta show everyone you can play by the rules now.”
Bliss appeared next to me, giving the bag a little jiggle while Ellie slipped her phone inside.
“It’s just a phone,” she whispered. “You’ll get it back later.”
Clenching my jaw, I reluctantly added my phone to the bag.
At least I had a backup in my luggage.
“Thank you, everyone,” Bliss said as she finished collecting the phones and handed the bag off to a crewmember. “Now, how does a little icebreaker sound to kick things off and get to know each other?”
Ellie perked up. “Oh, I love icebreakers!”
A muscle under my eye twitched. Nobody loved icebreakers.
“Is this mandatory?” Fletcher frowned. “I’d rather have a few beers and play pickleball on the upper deck.”
“We really don’t need any couples counseling, anyway,” Candace quickly agreed, placing her hand on Fletcher’s knee. “Our relationship is perfect.”
“You may think that,” Bliss told them gently. “But just because you’re comfortable with where you are doesn’t mean there isn’t opportunity to grow. Just like a plant, relationships need nurturing and careful tending to truly blossom.”
Candace’s face puckered like she’d swallowed something sour, and Madison’s smile turned strained. “Please just give this a chance, guys? It’s our treat!”
It was Harrison’s warning glare, which promised retribution if we upset his wife, that sealed the deal. Our silence was taken as agreement.
“Wonderful. Let’s begin by introducing each couple and sharing a fun fact about yourselves,” Bliss suggested. “Why don’t we start with that corner of the table?”
She pointed at Ellie, who popped up straighter in her chair.
“Oh. Hi, everyone! I’m Ellie Darling, and this is my fiancée, Cade Westbrook.” She gestured toward me and smiled around the table. “Let’s see. A fun fact about us is that, um, well, we first bonded over our shared love of unicorns.”
I pressed my lips together in a thin line. She was going off script again.
And right on cue, Harrison burst into laughter.
“You pretended to like unicorns to get laid? Who are you?” he murmured low enough that Ellie couldn’t hear him.
“Shut up,” I bit out.
“And what first drew you to Cade, Ellie?” Bliss asked, not even blinking an eye at the unicorn fact. “Aside from the mythical creature connection. What made you see him as a potential life partner?”
Ellie cocked her head. “Well, at first it was definitely his generosity. Cade knows Whiskey is the most important thing in my life—”
“Whiskey?” Vlad lifted his glass of clear liquid. “You should switch to vodka. Trust me.”
Ellie blinked. “Oh, sorry, not the liquor. Whiskey is my cat! It’s short for Lord Whiskerson. Cade actually went out of his way to help us when Whiskey got sick. It was the kindest thing anyone’s ever done for me.”
I wasn’t the only one staring at her, but I was the quickest to shake off my shock.
Ellie didn’t actually think I was kind. She was lying for the job. It was an act.
“You helped a cat?” Harrison whispered in disbelief right next to my ear, and I shoved him away.
“Anyway, Whiskey was the most important thing to me,” she continued, even managing to sound choked up. When she batted her big eyelashes at me, I was caught between snorting a laugh and telling her to tone it down a notch. “Until I met Cade.”
Her smile turned soft, and she reached for my hand before I could pull it away—grasping it with her smaller, softer one.
I gave a tight-lipped smile. She sure was selling this.
But then guilt flashed in her eyes, and she quickly added, “Now it’s a tie.”
Bliss bowed toward both of us. “Thank you so much for sharing with us, Ellie. I can’t wait to get to know you and Cade better. Now, who’s next?”
The others continued introducing themselves and sharing fun facts, but I tuned them out. My mind strayed to the second phone and laptop I had stashed in the room. There were a few work-related items I needed to check on tonight that couldn’t wait until tomorrow.
If this fake doctor had somehow gotten the crew to confiscate electronics while they were unpacking, I’d just have to bribe one of them to return the goods.
But I couldn’t stop myself from looking down at my and Ellie’s clasped hands on the table. Her hand was so soft. And her thumb kept rubbing against my skin like she wasn’t even aware she was doing it.
It was cozy.
Intimate.
And weird as all hell.