Chapter Seventeen
Regan
The past several days have been spent deep in self-reflection. I’ve thought about a lot of things. My job. My life. My future. While most things are about as clear as mud, the one thing I’ve determined is that I most definitely want a child. Even enough to pare down my coveted wardrobe and turn my closet into a nursery.
I’m just not sure having one with Lucas is the right call.
But he is a Montana. It would mean lifelong financial security for the baby. It would mean local grandparents who are about the nicest people I can think of. It would mean aunts and uncles and cousins, something my child would never have if I did this alone.
The one thing I keep coming back to, however, is it also means having to be accountable to someone else. Lucas and I are wired differently. Would he want to control how I raise the baby? Dictate when and where and how and why, just because he’s providing financial support?
I lower my head into my hands, knowing there isn’t one right answer.
My grumbling stomach reminds me it’s time for lunch. I set my sign to CLOSED and turn the dial to 2PM. Forty minutes will be plenty of time to get back.
I cross the street and eat a bowl of Goodwin’s macaroni and cheese. It’s the dish the diner is famous for, and one I get at least once a week. Then I head out down The Circle and go to the auto shop where my car was towed earlier today.
They have a bell over the door just like I do. It rings as I step through. A few heads go up, customers on their phones waiting for oil changes or whatever. I stroll to the counter. The Cruz-In Auto Repair Shop is both a retail auto parts store and a repair garage. All four Cruz siblings run it, including Mia, who towed my car.
Nobody is at the counter, so I stand and wait.
After a few moments, I hear the familiar sound of forearm crutches. I smile when Christian Cruz comes slowly around the corner, looking at me through thick Coke-bottle glasses.
“Hey, Christian. What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be in school?”
“Hi, Ms. Lucas,” the polite twelve-year-old says. “It’s summer break now and Dad said I could start working here a few hours every afternoon.”
“Learning the family business?”
He nods. “I’m going to be a mechanic.”
“That’s amazing. I’m sure you’ll make them all proud.”
“Are you here to check on your Beetle?”
“Yes, I am.”
“I’ll go ask my dad. He’s the one who’s been looking at it.”
“Thanks, Christian.”
I watch him walk away, his torso twisting a bit unsteadily as he uses his crutches. There’s also a walker over by the door in case he needs it. Christian—the result of a scandalous teen pregnancy—has never let his cerebral palsy be a deterrent. When Christian's mom Denise bailed shortly after Christian was diagnosed, the whole town rallied behind Christian and his dad, Carter. Eventually, the shame became too much for Denise and she left town.
It’s her loss, though. Because despite the struggles Carter had with Christian as a child, all his persistence paid off, and Christian is a well-adjusted, happy kid who brings joy to everyone he meets.
He’s smart too. And I have every confidence that he will become a mechanic in spite of his physical limitations.
I study him through the glass separating reception from the garages as he talks with his father.
What if I have a special needs child? What if I go with a sperm donor and end up with a baby who has medical expenses I just can’t cover? Would I lose the shop? Would the town set up a fund like they did for Carter? No—they wouldn’t. Because I’m not a na?ve hormonal teenager who got himself into a situation and didn’t have the foresight to plan for such things. I’m a grown woman who has to live with the choices she makes.
Carter comes through from the garage. “Hi, Regan.” His smile immediately disappears, alerting me that what he says next isn’t going to be anything I want to hear. “I’m afraid the news isn’t good.”
My heart sinks. “Give it to me.”
“It’s the engine. It needs replacing.”
My eyes go wide. “The entire engine?”
“Sorry, but yes. And the air-cooled, flat-four engine design in these older Beetles can be intricate, adding to the cost of replacement.”
“How much?”
He rubs his chin in thought. “That depends if you’re going new or used. I might be able to scrounge up a used engine for a little over a grand. Add in the other parts and labor required for installation and we’re talking somewhere around twenty-five hundred out the door. I have to warn you, though, that while any used parts come with a six-month warranty, the same thing could happen a year or two down the road.”
“What about a new one then?” I ask, already seeing the numbers in my savings account dwindle down to nothing.
“Ten thousand.” He shakes his head. “But honestly, Regan, I’m not sure it would be worth it. The transmission is old. I don’t know how much time you have left on it. You may have reached the point with this old car where things just keep going out one after the other.”
I sigh and sit on the stool next to the counter.
“I’m really sorry. I wish I could help. But even if I gave you the good neighbor discount, you’re still looking at a significant bill.”
The good neighbor discount. As a small business owner on The Circle, I know exactly what that means. It means basically zero profit for the business because they either really like you, or feel really sorry for you. I’m wondering which would be the case in this instance.
For a second, I look at Carter in a way I haven’t before—as a single, good-looking father. Younger than me, but available. Does he even date? I try to remember ever hearing anything about it. I think his whole life revolves around this shop and his son. Sure, he has a few tattoos, which I don’t normally go for, but then again, who am I to talk? He’s probably thinking the exact same thing about me and the clothes I wear.
“Regan?”
I bring my thoughts back to the here and now. “I’m not sure I can afford either, even with your discount. Maybe I can go without a car altogether.”
“It’s not unheard of. You’ve got the train if you need to go to the city or over to White Plains. And everything you need is pretty much along McQuaid Circle. I can see how much the scrapyard I use would give you for the car. And if you want, I could keep my eye out for another affordable option.”
“That’s okay. If I can’t afford to fix this one, no way can I afford another one.” I nod in resignation. “See what you can get for it.” I get out my purse. “How much do I owe you for the tow?”
“It’s not that much. I’ll just take it out of the price Stan gives you for the car.”
I smile, knowing it’s not what he’s going to do at all. He’s being neighborly. It’s why half the businesses around here don’t make very good profits. But I do the same, so I understand. “Thanks, Carter.” I turn to leave, but then stop to ask, “Hey, Carter, how’s Christian doing? He says he’s going to be working here.”
His face beams. “He is. The boy’s been telling me for years he wants to follow in his old man’s footsteps.”
I tilt my head. “Has it been hard for you? With Christian.”
He looks at his son across the room, sorting spare parts into bins. He nods, but smiles. “It has. But I tell you what, it’s been worth it. He’s a hell of a kid. I’m a lucky man.”
“Yeah,” I say, my mind reeling. “I can see that.”
“I’ll call you when I hear from Stan.”
I thank him then trot over to strike up a conversation with Mrs. Henderson over in the corner. She’s one of my best customers.
~ ~ ~
“Your head is anywhere but here,” Ava says during our usual weekly meet-up behind the ice cream shop.
I look away from Teddy, who is sleeping peacefully in his stroller beside our table. “It’s my car,” I lie. Well, it’s not exactly a lie, I do worry about what I’ll do if I really need transportation. In this moment, however, my car is the furthest thing from my mind.
“You know you can borrow mine whenever you need to.”
“Mine, too,” Maddie says.
“Thanks, guys. I think I have it all figured out, though. I can order a ton of stuff online. The only time I absolutely need a car is when I take my donations across town. But with the money I’ll be saving on car insurance and repairs, I can easily pay for an Uber.”
“Or”—Maddie puts her hand on my arm—“you can borrow one of our cars and save even more money.”
“I tell you what,” Ava says. “You know I rarely use mine. I’ll leave the keys under the floor mat. That way if I’m busy at work or sleeping or whatever, it’s there and available.”
“Okay. Thanks.”
Teddy begins to fuss, gratefully cutting off any further attention to my transportation problems.
“I’ve got him,” Ava says, scooping him up and smelling his head. “God, I can’t wait to have one of these. My ovaries explode every time I’m near this little nugget.”
I reach over and touch his little cheek, wanting to hold him, but not wanting to draw attention to the fact that I’ve completely changed my stance on children over the course of the last week.
“It must be a lot different this time than when you had Gigi,” I say. “I mean, I know you had Gigi’s dad at first, but then you were a single mom for quite a while before you got together with Tag. How’d you do it?”
I’m hoping I asked nonchalantly enough so as to not raise suspicion.
“It was incredibly hard. But I had Gran.”
“What would you say was the hardest thing about it?”
Maddie thinks on it. “I guess knowing that I was solely responsible for a small human. And knowing I’d be the only one to blame if something happened to her or if she’d turned out bad.”
I laugh. “Nothing to worry about there. Gigi is fabulous.”
“She is, isn’t she,” she says like the proud mother she is.
“So you wouldn’t change anything?” I ask. “Like if you could go back and do anything differently?”
Her hard stare alerts me to my ridiculous question. “You mean other than leaving my hair straightener on and burning down my house, and my baby’s father going back in to rescue her and then dying?”
I swallow my guilt. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.”
“I know what you mean,” she says with a sad smile. “I just had to state the obvious. To answer your question honestly, I’d have to say I wish I’d stopped the self-pity and self-loathing a lot earlier. Maybe I’d have gotten with Tag sooner. He’s been so great with Gigi. I don’t know what I’d do without him.” She sighs, looking at Teddy in Ava’s arms. “And now he’s given me a son. I don’t think my life could be any better than it is at this very moment.”
I’ve been sitting on Lucas’s offer. Waiting for a sign. Maybe it’s come. Yesterday in my conversation with Carter. And now. It’s like the universe is trying to tell me something. Maybe I should listen.
I stand up. “Excuse me for a second. I need to respond to a text.”
I walk over, lean against a tree, take a very large breath, and type into my phone.
Me: Okay.
I slip my phone back into my pocket, surprised to hear a ping a moment later. I pull it back out and read the reply.
Lucas: Okay? As in you agree to my proposition?
Me: I want a lawyer to draw it up.
Lucas: I’ll have it done tomorrow. She’ll want to meet with both of us.
I roll my eyes. Must be nice to be so rich that you have a lawyer at your beck and call.
Me: Fine. Just tell me when and where. But I no longer have a car.
Lucas: I’ll send one for you.
I try not to roll my eyes again, knowing I may have just agreed to a lifetime of such statements. Or eighteen years of them anyway.
Me: See you then. Over and out.
He gets my drift and doesn’t reply. This isn’t like before. It’s not a sex thing. This isn’t a courtship. It’s not even a relationship really. It’s more like a business deal. Or a situationship as Ava called it.
I look over at my friends and wonder just what they’re going to think about this situation. Which is exactly why I decide not to tell them.