Chapter 4
I’d asked him. I’d put it out there. My intent. My want. It was adult of me, it was—something I didn’t know if I was ever going to do, but here we were, in front of each other after embracing—mostly because of his T-shirt. I felt somewhat compelled to follow it up.
“You—” His soft voice came, looking up at me. “You—”
“You can say no,” I said. “I was just—”
“Did they set you up to this?” he asked.
“Your friends?” I asked and immediately shook my head. “I’m sorry, I misread—”
“Kiss me,” he said, his hand on the back of my head like he was taking control.
Our lips locked and I tasted the sweetness on his tongue, his lips, his everything. As our faces came away, I saw the flustered look appear again. “Is that—” I asked, rubbing a thumb across his cheek.
“It’s just a little blush,” he whispered, gulping hard.
“Let’s get you some water,” I said, looking at the little pink-red blush my thumb had caught—I felt immediate pain for removing it without express permission. “I’m sorry about removing your makeup.”
“You’re not straight,” he said.
I laughed, right in his face. It wasn’t supposed to come out that way, but it did. “I—ugh—I’m not, obviously. I just—I have a pretty complicated thing.”
He walked off, leading me into the apartment from the hallway.
There were bright colored walls, shelves filled with plush toys and books, and large beanbags occupied space by the windows.
A large dreamcatcher hung in the corner of the room.
It was all quick cursory glances as Caspian took me into the kitchen.
I continued to look around, no touching, just looking at the paper plates in playful themes, the plastic plates with sections that had small notations for dinner, fruit, and drink, like from a school cafeteria except in pink with unicorns on them.
“They shouldn’t have told you to come over,” he said after gulping down a small bottle of water.
“It feels like a practical joke at this point.” He grabbed a second drink, this time a juice box.
“I just—” He sucked hard on the straw, practically inhaling as he squeezed the box. “I saw you were married.”
“Right,” I said, nodding my head at him. “Twenty years ago. I was—it was—complicated. If you wanna hear that?”
He nodded. “I—just to get this right, you wanted to kiss me, but it’s not a joke thing, is it?”
“No, I do wanna look at your fire alarms and assess if they’re functioning properly,” I said. “I’d never joke about that.”
Caspian’s smirk was a dagger of butterflies to the gut. “And you’re not here to kiss me, just work.”
“The kiss was a bonus,” I said. “And I—I wanted to come by and see if you liked the gift I got you.”
“Love it,” he said. “I’m still a bit confused, though.”
“I’m only supposed to be here for about twenty minutes, so ask me anything.”
“The wife?”
“Cliff’s notes. High school sweethearts.
Married. Pressure from my dad. Very conservative family.
Issues with religion. I told her I was gay.
Not quite ready to be out. We annulled the marriage.
So, was I even married? And yeah, I packed up, moved here, decided life was still worth living.
Never had a relationship really with another guy.
But for months now, I’ve seen you, and I—” Balls, words were not coming out fast enough.
I must’ve caught it from that kiss; the idea put a smile on my face.
“I wanted to ask you out. And now, I see, you’re probably more my type than I realized. ”
His adorable face frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Submissive,” I said softly, placing a hand on his shoulder then raising it to rest on his neck, my thumb rubbing against his Adam’s apple. “But the type of submissive you are, well, I’d like to explore it.”
“I’m a little,” he said, lolling his chin into my thumb. “If we’re being open, I’m into the sweeter side of things. Like routine, reading in bed, not harsh things, but I’m open to spanking if I’m naughty.”
“You’re perfect,” I whispered. It came out of nowhere. I’d thought it, but to say it was completely different. A shiver ran right through me and seemingly into him. He giggled. “Show me your room.”
He shook his head. “It’s a mess.”
“Do as Daddy says.”
He whimpered. “Yes, Daddy.”
“You like that?” I asked.
He nodded. “Yes.”
“Good boy.” I stroked my hand up the side of his face and back again. “Now, show me your room. Also the fire alarms, and the nearest fire escape. This place better be up to code.”
Capsian’s adorable giggle had me tensing every muscle in my body.
I couldn’t even hide the chub in my sweatpants.
I’d experienced littles before—the onesies, the fuckable teddies, the crates of juice boxes—but Caspian wasn’t like the others, he was looking at me to be his Daddy.
The others had just wanted to use me for the night.
I think he wanted more than a night, and right now, I couldn’t even give him more than twenty minutes.
I was still on the clock.
* * *
I was a thrill seeker, I’d always engaged in thrill-seeking behavior.
It’s what made me train to be a firefighter on the first place.
The idea of running into burning buildings, into being sky high and having nerves of steel, all of that, it made life feel complete to me.
And then there was the part of my life that reminded me of how incomplete I was—it was relationships.
My sister and her husband had a fantastic life with my niece and nephew.
They weren’t like my father, and my sister knew I was gay.
I just never thought I’d find someone, and then I found Caspian. He was at the back of the bakery, and his shimmery cheek highlights caught my attention. The first time I saw him he was wafting at the smoke alarm, trying to get it to stop while I stood, barely seeing much smoke.
My memories of that moment were strong because I thought of it a lot, but they often changed to include parts where I could kiss him, and I’d embrace him. Now that had happened, a new pit opened in me—it wasn’t excitement, it was fear.
What if I couldn’t be a good Daddy in this way?
I was cut from my dreamy haze by fingers snapping in my face.
“So, what was the problem?” Janey asked.
Back at the firehouse, I’d been staring into the storage cupboard for . . . a while it seemed.
“Anything I can help with?” she continued to ask. “And why didn’t you bring any cake back with you?”
“I—um—” I couldn’t get Caspian’s face out of my mind. It wasn’t a complaint, it was a blessing that he distracted me. “No, they were pretty busy by the time I left.”
Janey looked at her watch and then showed me. “You were there a little longer than normal for a routine check. Did you find anything unusual?”
I both nodded and shook my head, sending all the mixed signals, which seemed to be a common theme in my life right now.
“Yeah—no, it was fine. They just need a little more ventilation in their kitchen, which I think they’re doing, and everything else seemed fine.
I think some of the vents were actually pushing the smoke toward the alarm, so it was being triggered more often. ”
“Sure that’s all you found?” She clicked her tongue.
I scoffed. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You look flustered, Rick.”
“I’m just—”
She giggled. “You’ve also got a little—” She reached out and brushed a thumb across my cheek.
“Just some glitter. Where the heck did you even go? I’ve always wondered .
. . did you find out if they’re a throuple?
” She giggle-snorted. “Maybe I should’ve gone instead.
I bet I would’ve found out easily. Gay guys love me. ”
My entire body shrank. I didn’t know if she was hinting to me or what—it was confusing, and I hated keeping secrets, especially when they seemed to already be uncovering themselves. I just smiled at her. “I wasn’t prying,” I said. “They’re very nice and friendly.”
Tom startled me with a pat on the back. “You smell like that bakery,” he said. “So, did you bring anything back? My kids went wild for those cupcakes last night. Bouncing off the walls, though. So much sugar.”
“And you wanted more?” I asked, trying to smell myself with a head to my shoulder.
Cas had rubbed off on me—after all, we did make out and I could still taste his tongue on the inside of my mouth, as if he’d left crumbs of himself.
“I could go back and get cake, but we’ve got to stay in shape, and as the fire captain of this house, I might even suggest we should all be doing sit-ups and push-ups right away. ”
Tom laughed. “Okay, let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” he said.
There was a small gym inside the firehouse, which had a single treadmill, a weight bench, and a crossbar on the wall. It was mostly used after Tom or Rooney made a big meal and we all felt like we’d eaten too much.
“So, you have fun?” he asked.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, you were there for a while,” he said.
I folded my arms over my chest, pushing it out a little. “We’ve got to take care of the town, so I’ll take as long as it takes to make people feel safe.”
They both chuckled as I ordered them back to work. I looked back at the open storage cupboard and put away some of the equipment I’d removed—the screwdrivers, mostly.
My phone buzzed in my pocket. It was him.
If you really want to get to know me, you’ll have to take me on a date, Caspian sent.
And will I be seeing you as the baker, or you as the little? I was prepared for either side of him, but I really wanted to see the sweet, regressed side, the part of him that cuddled up with teddies and dressed in those onesies. The apartment tour had revealed a lot—but I wanted to see it on him.
What were you thinking? he asked.
What you want to do will decide where the date takes place. I’d never asked someone out on a public date, so I hoped he’d want it to be intimate, something we could do together in private.
Your place or mine? I prefer mine, because my things are here, but I have two roommates.
Can’t they leave for the night?
I’ll ask them, but they might not want to, he sent with a red heart emoji.
I stared at the phone as those dots appeared.
Toby here! Yes, we’ll leave for the night! Don’t let Caspian play hard to get. He wants you!
Snickering to myself, I looked around, making sure nobody could come and snatch my phone and see these messages. I figured he must have told them—or maybe they were just finding out right now. Either way, I wanted him, and I needed to keep this taste of him lingering on my tongue.
OMG! I’m so sorry! he added.
Obviously that wasn’t me. But they’ve agreed to leave for a couple of hours tonight. And we can do stuff together.
I sucked in a breath, feeling it grow heavy in my chest. Three people in town now knew I was gay.
My skin tingled, and it wasn’t a fun feeling, but right now, being outed was worth a get-to-know you date with Cas.
This wasn’t Daddy-like behavior. I was strong, I was in charge, and I wasn’t going to take shit from anyone.
Calling a meeting was the only way. Rip the Band-Aid right off. I didn’t care if it hurt, I had to get this out before someone else tried. In the lounge, Janey, Tom, and Rooney stood, waiting for me to speak. Tom was halfway through mowing down an apple.
“I have something important to tell you,” I said.
“Fuck, you’re not quitting?” Janey said.
“If you quit, who’s going to take over?” Rooney asked, his head turning to Tom. “God no.”
“Relax,” I said, gesturing to turn the heat down—we didn’t need any combustion. “It’s personal.”
Tom sighed. “What illness is it?” he asked. “We can fight it.”
“No, no, no, guys, come on,” I said. “I know most of you have tried setting me up in the past. Janey, I’m sorry, your friends were never my type. Neither were any of your wife’s friends, Tom. And Rooney . . . you’ve not been here long enough to hear those stories.”
Rooney laughed. “Oh, are you coming out to us?” he asked.
All heads turned.
“Yeah, kinda,” I said with a huge grin. “Well, actually, yeah. I’m gay. So, do with that as you will.”
Janey slapped a hand on her knee. “Damn. My gaydar is usually good.”
“Nothing changes, brother,” Tom said, pulling me in at the arm for a hug.
It turned into a huge hug with all of them joining. The relief lifted right off me. I could only laugh, because I’d been worrying about life for so long but there’d been no need. People weren’t as closed-minded as I’d thought them to be.
“So, now we get to try and set you up with our gay friends,” Janey said inside the hug.
“No, I—” I kinda shook everyone off.
Rooney gasped. “I think he’s seeing someone.”
“Who?” Tom gave my arm a jab. “Come on. If it was important enough for you to come out, must be serious.”
The fuzzies traveled up the side of my face and I just laughed. My response was laughter, belly-aching laughter. I’d done this for a crush, a head spinning, heart thumping, crush, and his name was Caspian. “We’ll see,” I finally said. “But it’s still new.” As in brand new, like, today new.